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Long Term Affairs Part 39

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WhyAgainWhyHer posted 3/6/2020 07:57 AM

That's so sad. Alzheimer's is a horrible disease.

Lilac113 posted 4/9/2020 09:49 AM

I feel I am at a crossroads between staying in a bad and resentful marriage for my son or leaving and having to share custody. I am looking for perspectives from people who have gone in either direction that I am facing and what, if anything you would do differently.

My husband has been having a LTA with the same OW since September 2018. Four different times he has told me it’s over and four times now I have caught that it is not. I feel there is not longer any foundation for us to try and repair our marriage from, and furthermore, he is barely putting in any effort to do so himself. I wouldn’t still be with him if it weren’t for my son, who I did everything “right” for to give him the best life possible. Now I feel that my husband has ruined that and taken it all away. My heart is no longer in my marriage, but every time I think of separating, and participating in my sons life only 50% of the time, and not having say over what happens when he’s with his dad is killing me. In addition, if my husband and I separate, he will likely end up with the OW, who would then be step-mom to my son. It kills me. It causes me so much heart ache just thinking about it- how would I actually survive living it? I feel my heart would be more broken “losing” my son 50% of the time than it would staying in this terrible marriage.

I would love to hear from people who have been through a similar decision, what decision they made, and if they would change anything if they could go back and do it again. Is there anyone living with 50/50 custody? Lastly, is there actually any benefit of going through an at-fault divorce? From what I can tell it has no effect of custody and I make too much for spousal support, so I’m not sure what the point might be of filing that way.

gmc94 posted 4/9/2020 15:40 PM

Lilac, I'm sorry you are here, and glad you found SI.

I suspect you will find more responses if you posted in General or the Reconciliation forums.
LTA doesn't get a whole lot of traffic (and while I don't see it matters much, I think LTAs are generally considered to be 2+ years).

As to your specific concerns, I wish I had some specific experience, but I don't (my kids were adults when I discovered my WH's A). As a child of D, my experience was that it was much better after my parents D than before. The near-constant stress around the home was not healthy for anyone in our family.

ShatteredSakura posted 4/10/2020 18:08 PM

I feel like a big part of a LTA is finding out multiple times and they always going back to the same person and forcing you to just "live with it". IMO that can happen even in just a year.

I'm sorry you're here Lilac. It's tough enough to handle without kids. I thank God I never had kids with my XWW otherwise I would be in your situation. The OM would always be a part of my life.

It kills you she probably will become "step mom", but IMO it may be the lesser of two evils. Being in a relationship where you are second fiddle is hell on earth, it already has been since 2018...can you imagine more years of this? Doing nothing makes what he is doing legitimate. It will be a toll on your sanity, let alone happiness. Living under those conditions is abuse. He may just end up leaving anyways because you've become "too negative" about the situation (like mine did).

In a perfect world this should be grounds for getting full custody or something. This woman should not be allowed around your kid let alone ever become "step mom", it makes me sick to think about.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 10:33 PM, April 10th (Friday)]

Tallgirl posted 5/1/2020 05:55 AM


Is his affair current?

My kids were adults when the A came out. So it is different for me.

Given what I have gone through and I was unhappily married for a while, I now think divorcing so the kids can have happy parents most of the time would be the right choice. I thought I hid it well, but I did not. My kids saw how poorly their dad treated me. They took this inside. I pray that they are ok.

They did not see a good example of a loving relationship. They saw anger and hurt and pain.

And now they have seen the outcome.

It is hard. Each situation is different. Anyways that is my experience.

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