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Long Term Affairs Part 39

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Marlita posted 1/3/2020 21:25 PM

Am I the ONLY one who has cut off certain ties?
Because the trust, that he earned, which isnít easily given, has been destroyed... I actually feel like a part of what I fell in love with, died.
I havenít forgiven him, & certainly wonít forget. Iíve barely accepted it. And itís been 2-1/2 years since I found out.
He totally lost the best part of me & our marriage!
I feel like Iím branching out on my own....
All dynamics have changed!
Not to mention that Iím already not a very good forgiver! THIS is a challenge!
To me, if he died tomorrow, Iím already 3/4 of the way healed.
He already killed most of who I was!
However, Iíve become so much stronger!
Heís definitely paying the price. I could give a $..t less what heís doing... thereís definitely a disconnect....but Iím not bailing!
I still want revenge & want him to hurt... is this wrong?

[This message edited by Marlita at 9:34 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 1/6/2020 09:47 AM

Honestly, I wish I had never found out the first time. I wish I didn't know now.

likeapinball posted 1/6/2020 11:08 AM

I wished I'd found out at the beginning of this mess! Before we had kids, moved to another province, left my job!

deephurt posted 1/7/2020 14:57 PM

My WH's LTA certainly ended and it was ending before I found out apparently. Not all LTA"s are true lurve or even close to it. Cake eating at its finest is what they really are. I mean, if you are getting away with it and the AP is happy to continue accepting scraps, why not get the extra ego kibbles and sex. No one is getting hurt in the WS mind-because they are so smart and we will never find out, until we do.

I cut off ties, basically to most people. I no longer want to be around people very much. I feel like I am becoming a bit of a hermit, happy to stay home and talk to no one.

My WH definitely lost the best part of me and I lost what I thought was the best part of him, he is not the person I thought I married. We both lost the best part of our M but I feel like it was me who lost the most. He is a fabulous compartmentalizer and he just goes about his day and doesn't think about this shit storm me brought into our life.
I think of it everyday and it affects me everyday is some way. It has certainly affected our sex life. I have yet to have sex once without thinking of the A. I no longer see the AP in my thoughts, it is faceless and could have been anyone so its like the mind movies show a person but its no one specific, if that makes sense. But every touch and sound I know he shared the same with someone else and it shuts me down emotionally on some level. It has gotten better but I doubt I will ever feel 100% all in emotionally. Like a wall was built that is indestructible to protect me on some level.

I have changed. i don't even recognize myself anymore. Part of those changes are good changes-the part where I don't trust anyone unconditionally anymore and never will again. But so many other ways I have changed. I am never fully relaxed. I feel on edge far more often. I question everything and I don't trust that what seems to be my reality, is actually my reality. There is always a part of me that questions if the life I think I am living is real-or is it all a lie-again.

Honestly, I wish I had never found out the first time. I wish I didn't know now

Honestly, I have never felt this way and never would. The worst part of this is not knowing the truth of my own life. Living in a world that was made up of the worst lies. If anything, I wish I had really paid attention to the red flags from the beginning and didn't accept his lies. I definitely wish he had never cheated. I will never wish that I didn't know the truth though. I understand why people do wish that.

My WH said he would have taken this secret to his grave. He was apparently trying to end it-although there is very little evidence that he really was trying to end it.....I guess meeting for sex less often could be considered trying to end it but multiple.e calls and texts all day is not trying to end anything. If I hadn't found out, and if he had been able to end it, he never would have been truthful with me and I would have lived the rest of our lives never knowing who I was really married to and that my life was a total lie......truth is though, he would not have ended anything without me finding out.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 1/7/2020 15:56 PM

I know what she looks. We were even friends on social media years ago, before the first d day. She's tiny and cute, nicely put together, I;m a big woman, and not the cute type at all. She's basically the opposite of me, and everything he claims to have not wanted in a woman. She's a life of the party type. She's the girl he thought he could never get. He's introverted, nerdy.

We haven't had sex in years. I doubt we ever will again. He repulses me physically, yet I wish we were back in the days before. I can't imagine my life without him in it.

I am all over the place today. And I gained weight over the holidays.

somanyyears posted 1/8/2020 12:42 PM


..Deephurt...every paragraph you wrote, I have felt along this journey.
Your user name is well chosen!

Thanks for posting your deepest emotions there.

I share your sadness.

smy

ShatteredSakura posted 1/8/2020 15:54 PM

I no longer want to be around people very much. I feel like I am becoming a bit of a hermit, happy to stay home and talk to no one.

Sing it sister!

But in seriousness, deephurt, yep I too have felt almost all you expressed. Especially not feeling relaxed and feeling on edge. TBH I don't think I can remember the last time I truly felt relaxed. Her affair has been eating at me for over two years now. And before then, her inappropriate "platonic" friendship with him for much longer.

I've been thinking today of when we first moved to our condo. It'll be 5 years ago this May (which means I'll be moving in the next few months). That was really when she first cheated on me. We were together for over a year and engaged. What was supposed to be our first night in our new place after moving everything, she freaked out and spent the night at his place. She freaked out because it was all a new experience for her I guess, and her new commute (previously she lived next to her work). She claims they didn't do anything, and maybe she didn't, but the fact she went there was a black stain nonetheless.

Thinking back (despite signing a one year lease), I should've ended it there. I thought it was over actually when she didn't come home, but then she love bombed me. And my demand for him to go away, to go NC just got ignored. She hates I bring that incident up from time to time...but it really did affect me...in some ways it was "all downhill" after that lol.

What's horrible is I think about how much in love with her I was back then, I still have the same feelings. They haven't really changed, while she's a completely different person (at least to me). I have the same emotional attachment that this is my person, my family; I didn't want anyone else, and I still don't. I found someone who I felt so comfortable with, and I'm an introvert...it's kind of rare for me.

I wish I was as loved as much as I have loved her. I do not think these people realize what they have or have lost, in regards to our love for them. That many of us stick by them and try and make it work and don't just throw them away at the first sign (or treat them like how they treat us). That sort of love is rare and valuable. It hurts to know she is not as much of a committed person; I wish she didn't cheat...but now sometimes I wish I never met her. I cannot just "fall out of love" like she did...god how I hate that phrase. People who "fall out of love" I don't think were experiencing real love to begin with.

Now that we're separated and she's building a new relationship with the AP, I feel like I not only have been abandoned, but also forgotten. She's expressed hatred for me and there are times that I feel like *I* was the one who cheated or wronged her. She doesn't want to "mess things up" with her new boyfriend, so I feel like she's working on putting up a boundary between us that never really existed with her AP/ex. I find it ironic more than anything.

Some of that hatred is she felt like I was constantly blaming her and bringing up the infidelity...which is true...but because she never truly ended it. The last time we were out together I got triggered badly and she got upset that "I ruined the night out". She hadn't stopped the sex with the AP. She wanted her cake and for me to shut up about it. She didn't want to be reminded, made to feel guilty, etc. It was "ruining her life". She was in love with two men you see, and couldn't decide!

But...she has claimed many times that "he doesn't love me", "I dont think I love him", "I don't think I want to be in a relationship with him". But she can't be without him, it's like she couldn't have her life without him in some way. And their relationship before they broke up and she met me was so toxic. I don't get it.

ShatteredSakura posted 1/8/2020 15:57 PM

My WH said he would have taken this secret to his grave. He was apparently trying to end it-although there is very little evidence that he really was trying to end it.....I guess meeting for sex less often could be considered trying to end it but multiple.e calls and texts all day is not trying to end anything

"trying" to end it. Do or do not, there is no try.

Their attempts at "trying" are laughable (I heard this a lot from WW, that she tried really hard). A lot of it I think is like fighting an addiction....but many of her attempts at trying metaphorically was trying to lift a heavy dumbbell with your pinky finger. That isn't trying, that's setting yourself up to fail.

ShatteredSakura posted 1/8/2020 16:24 PM

Another thought:

I wish I could take a relaxing vacation from my feelings. Like just shut them off and do something else for a while.

They creep in when unwanted (like most of today...today has been rough which is why I'm posting on this thread lol)

Marlita posted 1/8/2020 19:43 PM

ShatteredSakura...
I totally understand that feeling!
Iíve often said that I wish there was a back alley doctor who could remove those thoughts!
I feel your pain.....so hard!

ShatteredSakura posted 1/8/2020 21:59 PM

I feel your pain.....so hard!

I wish you didn't :/

There's only one person I would wish any of this on, and it's the AP. But the other 8 billion of us? Nope.

Throwaway999 posted 1/8/2020 22:42 PM

Deephurt....everything you wrote is everything I feel. I am glad at I am not alone in this journey. I am at the beginning my Dday was 2 1/2 months ago...plus lies each week. He started texting in 2011 with her, had a 3 year affair from 2013 to 2016. And was planning to take it to his grave...literally (he has cancer). And more other information this week. I donít even know the man I married. So many lies.

I am at a loss of how to make peace with all of this. I am sad I a becoming a different person...I donít recognize who I am anymore.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 1/9/2020 09:29 AM

Vacation from the feelings...that would be the best vacation ever.

ShatteredSakura posted 1/9/2020 11:50 AM

Although be careful of what you wish for...

...returning from that vacation may be overwhelming, like checking your email inbox at work after being gone for two weeks!

deephurt posted 1/9/2020 15:20 PM

Your user name is well chosen!

Thanks. It literally was the only thing I could think of at the time. It is how I felt and still do. When I found SI, I was so broken. It was after a year of TT and discovery of the extent and reality of the A, it really broke me.

I wish I was as loved as much as I have loved her. I do not think these people realize what they have or have lost, in regards to our love for them.

yes. There have been so many times that I think, why could he not have loved me like this or that. Sometimes I see people and they seem so happy and I think, why couldn't someone have loved me like that. Even though I have no idea what the reality of someone elses relationship really is, I guess I feel cheated out of being loved the way I have loved him. Yep, I feel cheated on and cheated out of a life I feel that I deserved.

Their attempts at "trying" are laughable

Agree completely. How hard is it to tell someone you shouldn't be spending time with to get lost after all. I also believe its like an addiction. The ego kibbles must feel so good if you are someone that needs them. I thank god everyday that I am not someone who needs external validation and would never get sucked into needing ego kibbles from anyone. To me, that is very immature.

Throwaway- I am sorry you are here and I empathize with everything you are going through. The early days after DDay are definitely by far the worst. TT literally feels like another knife being plunged in your heart, over and over and over.....yet, I tried to tell WH that and instead of just telling me everything to get it over with, he just says he doesn't remember anything else. Pretty much 90% of everything was found by me because I had to investigate and search and search for the truth. He did admit to having an A, after a week of trying to say pictures I found were not him but someone from work. He gaslit me for so long. That may actually be the worst part, the gaslighting and lying after being found out. It is so disrespectful. It showed me that he was continuing to put himself before me. So selfish.

He says I know everything now, which I know I don't. He says if he remembers anything else he would tell me, but its been years and he hasn't remembered even one more detail of an almost decade long A.

There are so many red flags that I just didn't notice. I trusted him and didn't think he would ever hurt me like that. He had said previously that he would never do anything to hurt our son or me, I believed him. I will never make that mistake again.

The me I used to be is dead and buried. I haven't seen her for over 5 years now. I liked her and miss her but she will never be again. She was a bit naive I guess, to believe that her love was enough. To believe that my husband actually loved me and put me and our son before himself. I was living with my eyes closed. I still like who I am but I am not who I used to be, thats for sure. Its like living with a monkey on your back, or an elephant in the room all the time. Its always there. There is always some form of a reminder that I was not enough, that I chose to be with someone who didn't give a shit about me and my feelings for what is likely most of our M.

I think my WH has been reading here and he has probably been reading my messages. I wish he would just speak with me about his A and how its affected both of us. If nothing else, I hope he is really hearing what I am saying and understand the pain that his actions have caused me. He recently commented on the length of time since DDay, that led me to believe that he thinks I should be over it by now. i am not over it and I don't know if its possible to ever really get over it. It feels like something that follows you around and says "remember this" Possibly because once someone betrays you so badly, you probably never get the trust back.

[This message edited by deephurt at 3:25 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 1/10/2020 12:53 PM

They have no idea of the damage they cause. Especially the LTA's. I think we would have gotten past his first round with her, I could chalk that up to a lost love blah blah blah. But then to continue again for YEARS after swearing never again...I don;t get it.

I agree, deephurt, I've lost the woman I was. I miss her. This new me, she struggles every day. She has no joy.

gmc94 posted 1/13/2020 00:38 AM

There is always some form of a reminder that I was not enough, that I chose to be with someone who didn't give a shit about me and my feelings for what is likely most of our M.
Aint that the truth.

The old me is gone too. I don't know who the "new" me will be, but she is damn sure gonna find some joy in her life (unfortunately, it's usually when I'm not with my WH).

Godspeed to us all.

ShatteredSakura posted 1/13/2020 09:25 AM

I agree, deephurt, I've lost the woman I was. I miss her. This new me, she struggles every day. She has no joy.

That's how I feel too.

It's also why I hate the AP so much (I know a big attitude here is "they didn't make a vow to you"), but this man hung around and purposefully kept himself in WW's life, and purposefully pursued her when she started feeling confused about her feelings. He's made my life a living hell, and the daily struggle / no joy is what my life has become.

This man could have had anyone else. Instead he chose to invade MY life.

deephurt posted 1/13/2020 10:00 AM

It's also why I hate the AP so much (I know a big attitude here is "they didn't make a vow to you"), but this man hung around and purposefully kept himself in WW's life, and purposefully pursued her when she started feeling confused about her feelings. He's made my life a living hell, and the daily struggle / no joy is what my life has become.

I hear ya. MOW was always hanging around, always calling WH. She wouldn't go away. I thought we finally got rid of her but it was that the A started and everything became a secret so all her calls were hidden etc. They used cell only. She was like a recurring STD.
Its also why its near impossible to feel safe and that she is actually really gone. It could be underground for all I know. I didn't see it before so I will never feel comfortable that what I believe is my M, actually is, there will always be suspicion. For now though, things seem really good between us and it makes me happy, I just don't trust that happy yet.

ShatteredSakura posted 1/13/2020 10:40 AM

Hah! Yeah, they're like a STD. When she took it underground it was cell only through the WhatsApp app.

She was so glued to her phone it was rarely out of reach, and our interactions became so bad that when I would be speaking to her or just around her and she looked at her phone I'd cringe because I'd think she was looking at his messages. I was right a lot of times.


Its also why its near impossible to feel safe and that she is actually really gone

Yeah, even if WW came back...she wasn't interested in giving up his social group when we were together, I doubt she would in the future. No matter what we did or what I did, she still saw him at social events because she wanted to be part of a Jewish 20s and 30s club, majority of which were his social circle.

So I don't think I ever will be safe if I'm with WW, that man will always be in her life in some way or form.

On the other hand I probably got saved from losing 20 years and finding out my children are not my children.

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