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Something going on?Gut feeling vs paranoid

Rambuctious posted 1/15/2019 16:07 PM

Hello,was wondering your opinion on this story.
A quick history.Been with GF for 10 yrs.I travel for work alot.5 yrs ago caught her Sexting with guy from a city thats near by.She downplayed it and never did admit any wrong doing.Thru much sleuthing on my part I got the jist of everything.As far as I can tell,nothing happened except an EA.We went thru a rough patch but worked it out.Since then she has been loyal to me as far as I can tell.But because of all this i lack trust and pay attention to things more closely.
For 1.5 yrs now there is this guy that i know she is attracted to(I know my GF better than she does).She has gone out with friends to see him DJ or sees him around.She acts strange when I ask her about it.When we drive by his apt she always discreetly looks in.She looks at him whenever we see him.Just something always seems off with her body language.
What really gave away something is off was one night at a bar everything was normal as usual.I saw that she noticed his car parked outside.She did a double take and swung her head right up.She trys to be discreet ,was watching him all night.He would look back also.Again,something felt odd about all this.
after closing time we leave and walk out.
walking away i notice him and he calls out to my GF and walks over.We talk trival small talk and then leave.I had a gut feeling and thought it was a very weird interaction, as he never speaks to me.Again my GF body language was different.After I told her how odd it was.She didnt really say alot.
This guy is a real player.Ive heard stories about him soliciting other peoples women.We have never talked about him,but I kinda indirectly brought up his reputation onetime with my GF and she got angry and defensive,argued with me about it.Later that night,she tried getting into my phone.She also deleted all of the guy's contacts and social media.The next day she was normal.Again my gut was off about all this.
So now anytime we see him,she ignores him,wont look at him.He doesnt look at her.Again her body language is off.But if was not around,they will talk.
Prior to everything Ive talked bout, and me noticing her attraction to him,he had been to the house for a delivery.I was away, and my Gf told me about him being there.Again,at the time,something felt off and my gut wasnt right.
I just have a bad feeling about this guy and something doesnt sit right with me about her body language.
What is Peoples opinion on all this? Is something off or am I being paranoid?

Gutpunch posted 1/15/2019 16:16 PM

I am a trust your gut person.

However, she had an EA already.

You aren't married.

Why are you still with her?

Ignore red flags and you live a life like
you are currently living.

totallydumb posted 1/15/2019 16:20 PM

I would say it is time to do a little snooping. Play dumb as far as your GF is concerned.

Always trust your gut.

WilliamM posted 1/15/2019 16:24 PM

You are having these feelings. Buy a VAR and place it in her car or in places you know she will talk on her phone and record her. That may tell you what you need to know.

Jduff posted 1/15/2019 16:27 PM

I don't think you are being paranoid. You Spidey sense are going off for a reason. Never ignore your gut feeling about this. You've been with her 10 yrs so you are definitely going to sense something is "off". Sexting people and meeting with someone behind your back is considered cheating. At the very least she was (and may still be) in an emotional affair (EA). This "player" gets her agitated either in a good or a bad way to her and neither should really be happening, Rambuctious. She should be completely unaffected by his presence if there really wasn't anything going then or even now.

There are two things you can do now to gather some info.

1 - If you share a single phone plan then look at her phone usage. Especially check texting. The tell tale sign of cheating is high usage of texting to a single number.

2 - Consider getting a couple of VARs (Voice Activated Recorders). Hide one in the your place (I'm assuming you both live together) and one in her car (if she drives one of her own). If she is cheating she is likely talking to this player while you are away from home and while in her car. He came by for a "delivery"? Bullshit. Players don't deliver shit other than themselves for a booty call. What ever your GF claims he "brought" is a cover. She tells you about him being over to make it appear innocent but that is what we call around here as an "opportunity". If you had a VAR in place you would have heard their conversation to confirm.

So, start with those two avenues and see what you come up with.

Do you have any plans to marry her?

GoldenR posted 1/15/2019 16:49 PM

Not married. Assuming no kids.

Already cheated once and something is off again.

No proof is needed. Just break up with her.

OrdinaryMuse posted 1/15/2019 17:07 PM

One thing that stood out to me is that the DJ is also ignoring her/you. This would lead one to believe that she had a convo with him about it all. Now, if she began to ignore him and rebuff him in front of you, that would be different, yes?

You may not be married, but it is a long relationship, so despite people saying, run away/break up, it is not always that simple.

I've learned, sometimes to my dismay, that my gut is almost always right. Trust your gut.

Beyond that... if my wayward had this kind of interaction whether it was inappropriate or not, he has already, like your GF shown that he is not trustworthy with relationships with the opposite sex, and I would expect him to fully disclose all details and shut it down, even just based on my own discomfort and for the sake of our relationship and reconciliation. But it also seems, as others have encouraged you to do, that you may need to do some investigating first.

It's possible that there was a lot of rugsweeping when you initially found out about her EA. Perhaps it's time to revisit some stuff, do some investigating and work. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Please read through the healing library and know that you are not paranoid. Trust was broken.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/16/2019 09:14 AM

Her behavior smells of someone who's already slept with the other man. I'd bet that she invited him in during the 'delivery' and he delivered something else. She told you about the delivery to cover her tracks in case anyone saw him there. His behavior too smells of someone who's slept with your girlfriend. He's ignoring you because he knows he has her on a leash and you don't matter. Her removing all traces of the other man on her devices but still talking to him also indicates she's been with him and is hoping to get with him again. She's just trying to pretend in front of you that there's nothing to see here. It's pretty obvious she's cheated on you.

Realize that she'll never admit to her infidelity and given that she's behaved this way before, she's a serial cheater. I'd highly suggest as others have, that you dump her as soon as possible. Let her know why if you want, but regardless, get her out of your life. Even if she hadn't physically cheated, (I guaranty that she has), is you life enhanced by having her around making you suspicious and worry? You don't want toxic people in your life. She's a toxic person and she taking energy that you need to achieve your goals. If she was your friend's girlfriend and he was telling you what you've told us, I think that you'd realize that she's hindering his happiness and you'd advise him to dump her. Take your own advice; don't waiver; dump her.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 9:38 AM, January 16th (Wednesday)]

nervousnelly posted 1/16/2019 09:34 AM

Trust. Your. Gut.

twisted posted 1/16/2019 09:37 AM

I think we've all had that paranoid feeling. It could be our own insecurities, or it could be our subconscious putting together the red flags and things just don't add up.
Many of us have learned the hard way that you have to trust your gut. How many of us have looked back now and couldn't believe we ignored all the obvious signs that are clear in hindsight.

Fbtjax posted 1/16/2019 10:06 AM

She's been your girlfriend for 10 years. You haven't pulled the trigger and gotten married. Trust your gut here and move on.

Happenedtome2 posted 1/16/2019 15:42 PM

Sorry to see you here. That said, trust your gut. Chances are that whatever you THINK happened is likely much less than what ACTUALLY happened. Gather your bearings and get gone.

LtCdrLost posted 1/16/2019 17:04 PM

Sir, trust that little voice. Move on, you deserve better.

Krieger posted 1/16/2019 17:47 PM

May I ask why are you with this girl if you don't trust her? Where to you see this relationship in 5 years?

Rambuctious posted 1/16/2019 19:01 PM

Id like to say that for him at the house for delivery,it was a kijiji exchange.I did know about it in advance because it was something we needed.However,I dont trust him around my GF,or her too i guess.
I still do sleuthing on her but have yet to find her up to anything.However, whenever around this guy or mention his name,her and her body language are off.
As for why I stay,there are many reasons,but it is my decision.I know everyone says drop her,but its complicated.
Would like to hear some womens input on this also.

Tripletrouble posted 1/16/2019 21:42 PM

I think you are dialed in on your GF after ten years enough to pick up on body language and nonverbal communication. I tend to be a benefit of the doubt person, but you have provided enough insight that my first thought after reading your post was that something already happened. Generalizations are discouraged, but I do think many if not most women tend to have difficulty entirely hiding their feelings in situations like this.

When the sexting transgression happened years ago it was rugswept. Your GF did not do any work on herself and did not experience any consequences. I'm sorry to say that as a veteran here on SI, it is very, very common to see the betrayed here mentioning a previous incident that was never dealt with in a constructive and healing way. Your GF has poor boundaries, and poor boundaries are the direct pathway to infidelity.

I hesitated to post because we all like to be able to give actionable advice. There are some clear steps to take to catch an active cheater. In your case, it sounds like the cheating already happened and it may be very difficult to find the evidence. What is your desired outcome? If you cannot prove your GF cheated with this man, but your gut screams that she did, what will you do?

AbandonedGuy posted 1/17/2019 16:37 PM

For better or worse, I stopped giving the benefit of the doubt to *anyone* following the affair discovery and my subsequent processing of it. My gut was screaming at me for at least a month or two prior to DDay that something was fucky, and what do you know? I'll still try to remain diligently fair-minded, but I'm not dismissing my gut instincts ever again.

Rambuctious posted 1/17/2019 18:46 PM

Im totally in agreement with you AbandonedGuy!
I dont trust people anymore and will always go with gut instinct.
One thing i now believe in is that women are even worse than men for cheating!and ive seen it enough times in other guys cheating wives.They will say they love you,act all innocent and sweet,"im not that kinda girl"..until someone else beds them and they turn into horny sex feigns with no remorse.
thats my thinking on it.

HellFire posted 1/17/2019 19:01 PM

Wow. Way to minimize every betrayed wife's pain. Thanks.

Look, the worst betrayal? The one you're dealing with. Yours is worse,because it's happening to you. Mine is worse because it's happening to me.

Some men claim to love you,act like they are good men, good role models for their children, meanwhile they're picking up hookers on their lunch break,then going home and having sex with their wives. Or fucking her best friend.

Men dont have it any worse than women. And a cheater is a cheater. Both are shitty people for cheating.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:02 PM, January 17th (Thursday)]

Rambuctious posted 1/17/2019 20:35 PM

Sorry I offended you Hellfire,but thats my opinion on the subject.I was never like that before,but a few experiences has changed my thinking.and yes like you say,cheaters are cheaters,doesnt matter if M or F.But I feel women are worst than men.

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