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BS Questions for WS's - Part 13

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destroyedwayward posted 12/3/2018 07:58 AM

@inthedark99

1. If you travel for your job, how do you make that safe or less triggery for your BS?

During business hours, texting often. After business hours, I would ask BH if he was available to talk or video chat. He has not been receptive to this so I send him pictures of what I'm doing. If I'm having dinner at the hotel bar, I send him pictures of the meal or the bar. If I'm taking a walk, I'll send him pictures of interesting things I see. This is not solely for him. For me, even though he hasn't made a decision to R, taking the initiative to share these things is how I would want our "new M" to be. In fact, it is one of the things in our early M that I felt worked for keeping our relationship healthy.

2. If you havenít been in IC at all, how is that working for you, how long has it been since your last DD and what are you doing to work towards your whyís without help from an IC.

3. Any suggestions or clarity you can share on getting to your
why? Am not sure my WS can differentiate that the how (difficult time in life, marriage, drinking etc) and the why are two different things.

It's been about 6 months from my first and last DDay. I confessed with all the major "milestones" of the A had let my BH set the pace of discovery on the details. For me, it was about a 10 week EA and a ONS. It was not about love or affection for me, but more of self-destruction. Unfortunately, IC is not a suitable option, so I read whatever I can get my hands on, articles, medical journals, message boards, books. I started with the 2 books often recommended here -- "How to help your spouse heal..." and "not just friends". I've listened to hundreds of hours of talks, meditation, podcasts. The subjects are on affair recovery (from the BS and WS point of views), trauma caused by infidelity, difficult emotions, the anatomy of an A and boundaries, and cognitive dissonance and distortions. I journal and meditate. For me, all these things have provided knowledge, provoked thought, or challenged previous ways of thinking. It is further applying them to myself and dissecting which concepts aligned to my perspective and subsequent behaviors that have led me down this current path of change. It has been a harsh light to see oneself in, but a light nonetheless.

Some of the whys are relevant (as they pertain to the A), others aren't, but I analyze them all the same. I feel like I can't leave a stone unturned because if the goal is to become a whole, healthy person, then any flaw or insufficiency I discover and improve upon will help me improve. At this point, it isn't just about being safe enough for my BH, it's about being good for him. I share with him all the whys I identify with and my thoughts/plans for next steps.


Sending you positive thoughts as you work through this. I am very sorry you have been put in this position and hope you find the strength and peace to move forward. Take good care.

[This message edited by destroyedwayward at 8:02 AM, December 3rd (Monday)]

hikingout posted 12/3/2018 08:32 AM

I have a few questions for WSís this morning.
1. If you travel for your job, how do you make that safe or less triggery for your BS?

I arranged not to have to travel the first six months and then bumped that up to a year. We are 15 months past DDAY and I have not yet had to travel but H has. We kept in contact more than normal, but other than that it didn't seem to bother him like I thought it would.


2. If you havenít been in IC at all, how is that working for you, how long has it been since your last DD and what are you doing to work towards your whyís without help from an IC.


I was in IC for two months before confessing and stayed consistently in for a year. I would say though that my work was still completely on me. The counselor mostly worked with me on FOO issues, and exercises. I don't feel she helped that much with whys. I did a lot of that on my own. I figured out about 6 months in through reading here and some books that my whys were all internal so I learned to phrase them that way. So for example, I was holding resentments in the relationship instead of talking about them I let them fuel my entitlement to have an affair. That was about one of five.


3. Any suggestions or clarity you can share on getting to your
why? Am not sure my WS can differentiate that the how (difficult time in life, marriage, drinking etc) and the why are two different things.
Thanks in advance for your responses. I have really appreciated reading this thread and am so impressed with the willingness of all of you to be so open and vulnerable.


Other than they are internal, one has to recognize the decision to have an affair is one they made unilaterally instead of coping appropriately with their own life. Understanding the A was using an escapism rather than dealing with things constructively. At the root, a lot of this comes from feeling they can't effect changes in their relationship, conflict avoidance, taking the easier routes on things rather than doing work within the relationship, and pure selfishness and entitlement they have created in their own mind. If you think of the A as drugs, alchohol, or gambling...these are all other unhealthy coping and routes of escaping ones life. The whys in an affair really aren't usually all that different than why they decided to do those other things.


Hurtexpat posted 12/3/2018 09:05 AM


Iím struggling to understand and hope that those who have been a WS can offer help. (And maybe those who are BS have the answers too)
Why after betraying your spouse are you utterly devastated and will do anything to keep your relationship, yet you took the steps to also destroy the relationship and betray it because you was in such an unhappy place and not willing to do anything to save the marriage. It seems so contradicting to me.

inthedark99 posted 12/3/2018 09:24 AM

Were any of you WSís contacted by your affair partners BS?
Or were your spouses contacted by the BS? How did that play out?

Hurtexpat posted 12/3/2018 10:00 AM

[This message edited by Hurtexpat at 3:14 AM, December 6th (Thursday)]

hikingout posted 12/3/2018 10:05 AM

Iím struggling to understand and hope that those who have been a WS can offer help. (And maybe those who are BS have the answers too)
Why after betraying your spouse are you utterly devastated and will do anything to keep your relationship, yet you took the steps to also destroy the relationship and betray it because you was in such an unhappy place and not willing to do anything to save the marriage. It seems so contradicting to me.


Yes, I can understand, and it is contradicting. A WS is typically conflict avoidant, it seems to be a common trait most of us share.


Most of the time, I think that a WS chooses to cheat instead of ending the relationship because they really don't want to end the relationship to begin with. They don't know how to cope properly with whatever is happening in their life and they basically want to check out or escape. Living out a fantasy is self medicating like getting drunk, taking drugs, gambling, etc.


At DDAY we realize we are about to lose life as we know it. That is the first blush of a reaction. Noone wants to lose their normal.

Slowly, we begin to see that we've taken a lot of things about the BS and the marriage and exaggerated it. We used those things to fuel our selfish entitlement in having an affair.


For me, I realized I took my husband for granted, and as I started working on myself realized that the problems I was fussing about were....caused by ME. When we get close to losing the things we value, even when we forgot to value them for some time, it's a wake up call. I personally can't believe that I was willing to throw away literally the best thing that ever happened to me because I was a selfish asshole that was too lazy to work on my own life.


As you get further into this mess, you will one day realize that the affair had nothing to do with you. It was all internal to him and the deficits he has in his character. You will realize there was nothing special about the AP either, that they could have been anyone they ended up being who was available.


[This message edited by hikingout at 10:06 AM, December 3rd (Monday)]

Barregirl posted 12/3/2018 16:01 PM

. If you travel for your job, how do you make that safe or less triggery for your BS?

I don't necessarily travel, but I do take business meetings one-on-one with men frequently (I work in financial sales). I do a couple of things to ease my BH's mind. I always text or call on my way to and from meetings. I let him know when I've added new contact info for people to my phone and why I've added them. BH knows he can ask for facetime or photographic proof of my location at any time. And I always tell him about my schedule in advance and let him know of any changes.

Any suggestions or clarity you can share on getting to your
why? Am not sure my WS can differentiate that the how (difficult time in life, marriage, drinking etc) and the why are two different things.

This is going to require your WS to dig deep. Finding the why is about digging through the how bs (I was unhappy, drinking, etc) to what made each individual decision ok to your WS. What emotions, what thought processes led to those decisions. Because infidelity is a series of decisions made by selfish, immature, and entitled people. Getting to the root of that will point to the why.

[This message edited by Barregirl at 4:02 PM, December 3rd (Monday)]

bluetears posted 12/3/2018 18:53 PM

I am hoping to not trigger anyone with this question. I don't want to know nasty details but I'm going crazy wondering about certain things. This is for the WS. Obviously, these are general questions because all places are different but here we go:

As far as Massage Parlors, Generally:

1. Did you have to wear a condom for a blow job?
2. Do you have to take a shower before hand?
3. Were you actually able to have intercourse?
4. When you call the number, what do you say for them to know you are a "safe customer" to let you in the locked door?
5. My WH received text messages and then took out extra money. Did they tell him how much he would have to pay for whatever?
6. The place that my WH went to is OFF the radar and advertises "Nuru beds, Deep Throat, Anal, Threesomes, Showers, Massages, it's labeled All American Girls and they offer a very "Romantic Atmosphere".

I hate to ask this but I really want to know any information you can provide or have heard of. I will possibly need this information for divorce later.

[This message edited by bluetears at 7:39 PM, December 4th (Tuesday)]

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 12/3/2018 19:31 PM

Hurtexpat, you have a pm.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 12/3/2018 19:34 PM

This is a reminder that this forum is for BSís to ask questions of WS only. BSís are not to answer questions.

bluetears posted 12/4/2018 19:41 PM

Thank you Eggshelz for the reminder. I have edited the post.

ButterflyBeauty posted 12/5/2018 07:38 AM

I see that a lot of times WS can be suffering from depression during the A. Once everything comes out is it common for WS to experience depression? My WH is working hard at IC and dealing with a lot of personal issues. He is struggling with depression and has a lot of guilt and shame. He was also hiding depression during the A (things now make more sense) I feel like I could be a trigger for him lately as he is looking at himself and confronting his demons. He has expressed that sometimes when he looks at me its a reminder of what he has done and how badly he has hurt me and our family. WH says that he is so grateful for the opportunity to change and keep our family together but he has moments where he seems so sad. He says that its just hitting him and looking at the damage he has caused is difficult and painful. He wants to repair things and for us to have a M better than before. I appreciate him being remorseful and all the work he is doing. I don't want to be that reminder that makes him only feel ashamed. I want him to see me and feel good and hopeful about the future we are trying to build moving forward. I want to be able to support him through this but it is also difficult as I still struggle with my own emotions.

Has anyone felt this way? If so how did you handle it?

ButterflyBeauty posted 12/5/2018 07:45 AM

What feelings/thoughts did you (WS) have concerning your AP BS and family before and during the affair?

destroyedwayward posted 12/6/2018 10:42 AM

@butterflybeauty - Depression certainly played to my "whys". It's hard work not to spiral again. Witnessing BH going through everything is a constant reminder that I have to focus on him. I have said it before, but you have such great compassion for your WS. You verbally assuring him of the things you say here hopefully will help him. I would encourage your BS to finding things to read or listen to that center on confidence and diminishing self-hate. I have yet to read her books, but have listened to talks by Brene Brown and she has many good things to say. I plan to start reading some of her books, as mentioned by others on this site, once I get through all the videos/podcasts I have in my queue. There's also as self-guided meditation by Pema Chodron that I listened to every night for a month on mindfulness that I found very helpful. Perhaps your husband can look into these as well?

I, too, still get caught up on the guilt and shame. I feel it just as many times in a day but each time I do, it's not as long. In months 3-4, it was the WORST. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I was completely debilitated for hours and hours in a day. Now, I am very thankful that with some practice on mindfulness, reading (and comprehending some of the concepts I read as I align them to my ways of negative thinking), I spend a few minutes on it and have bounced back a little quicker.

I hope your WS will be able to find his way out of this darkness. Best of luck to you.

Teeny18 posted 12/9/2018 16:31 PM

Hi im new to this forum and am in desperate need of advice from any WS.
In abit of a panic a very tough year down The line ive forgave but cant forget as much as i would love to the triggers are crazy just now but i decided to wipe the slate clean because he is who i want to be with and hope all the things he promised were the truth but how do I approach him to discuss my triggers without going back the way hes gets really defensive when i try but i just want him to understand im going through a tuff time just now and the reassurance its very much needed
Thank you in advance

Barregirl posted 12/9/2018 20:24 PM

Teeny, one of the tasks a WS faces is to learn to listen without becoming defensive. If your WH is in IC, he can learn that there. If he's not, I recommend that he find an IC to help him work through things so that he is safe partner for you. Also a first or reread of How To Help Your Spouse Heal is a must. You need to be able to express your feelings without having to defend them. If he is not willing to do these things, then, gently, he is not a good candidate for R.

firenze posted 12/9/2018 20:57 PM

Waywards who had that "oh shit" moment where you finally started to really grasp the gravity of what you had done, what was your impression of your A and your BS's reaction before that moment? What caused the shift?

Barregirl posted 12/9/2018 22:09 PM

Firenze, for me I had my "oh shit" moment on dday. I knew what I was doing was wrong, otherwise why hide it. But I told myself that it was ok for well pick a bullshit reason and I probably justified my actions with it. Before dday, I thought my BH either wouldn't mind so much or would forgive me. That being said, I will never be able to forget the look on his face when I told him that yes, I had cheated. Everything changed in that moment. I am humbled by the strength he has shown in the time since and in awe of his ability to offer grace. I truly did marry an incredible man, and will spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy of him.

LoveGolf posted 12/9/2018 23:49 PM

Remorseful waywards ... what would you tell a BS trying to get over the sexual insecurities caused by their spouses affair ?

Barregirl posted 12/10/2018 05:13 AM

Lovegolf I'm not sure anything your WW says can be believed. It's about actions right now. She has to make you her priority #1. Show you that she desires you by initiating sex frequently and being open with you sexually. Consistency in actions is of the utmost importance in the beginning of recovery.

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