SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I discovered my husband's affair 7 years ago and we really have been limbo ever since. I haven't let my guard down and really don't really have high hopes of reconciling. It feels like a lot of damage has been done and not a lot of repair has been made. He still lies - just a few months ago I caught him lying about a credit card. If anything, our marriage feels to me more like an arrangement, but when I say this to him it hurts him to hear. He claims he wants a real marriage with me, but it just feels like he wants this without putting in the work, which leave me not wanting to try.

Call it a woman's intuition or PTSD, but it feels like the work hours are getting slightly longer especially when it should be slow. This could very possibly in my head. What is not in my head is a $27 charge for Chinese food where he took 8 hours to go Christmas shopping only returning with 2 things I sent him to get. Something to note is that Chinese food would never be his first choice and after looking at the menu, $27 is the perfect amount of money if 2 people were ordering.

Other thing I noticed is that he groomed down there - something he rarely does. Could have been coincidental because he had the extra time, but I am noticing because I am in hyper aware mode.

In terms of his overall attitude it feels like he wants to make me the bad guy. "You don't care about me because you didn't ask me about how my tooth was feeling" (it had been days I forgot about it and thing it was better). "You want to blame everything on me". "Now that you quit drinking its apparent you don't like me at all anymore" Is this his justification for being sneaky and possibly having a new affair??

I don't know how to confront him. Its not like I didn't think this day would never come again. I just feel stupid for allowing myself to stay in a vulnerable situation knowing what he is capable of. I couldn't leave if I wanted to, but I don't want to stay knowing he is out there sneaking around with someone else, when I am stuck at home with the kids.

Pearly I understand you.

Your gut tells you everything you need to know.

No your instincts are likely right, you are especially sensitive to red flags so if you feel something is up, it might very well be.

Your emotions are stirred, the lies are still there, likely the most important thing for you is to protect your peace.
The "I do not know how to confront him" could be a "I fear that if I confront him I will have the confirmation of my instincts" is this possible?

If yes, then you know the path that awaits, he will feel confident he can deceive you, go in the mud deeper, do more damage.

You feel what is best inside yourself, so follow it. As an external person I would suggest you to confront him. Your senses are sharper than 7 years ago, even if there is denial you will feel it. And you can start to take cover to protect your life.

It is up to you.

About keeping the guard up, unfortunately is useless.
If a partner wants to cheat he will cheat.
Work is not a safe space (on the contrary is where a lot of betrayals happen).

My wife did it, I know for a fact that if I ever wanted to do it, that would be the easiest place to cheat. No way for the spouse to prevent it, the only thing stopping that is a partner who is faithful.
So those excuses of him about long hours will not hold.

At this time I hope you will find the answer to what you feel you need the most.

I couldn't leave if I wanted to, but I don't want to stay knowing he is out there sneaking around with someone else, when I am stuck at home with the kids.

You can't control what he does. You only have control over yourself. If he's cheating on you again, there's absolutely nothing that you can do to stop him from screwing around behind your back if that's what he intends to do.

So rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop, I think you should get your ducks in a row and do whatever you would need to do to be in the best possible position after a divorce, whether or not it comes to that.

And as I always say to anyone who says that leaving isn't an option, your spouse might not feel that way.

It seems you have both emotionally detached.

He’s just continuing to be a liar (verified) and cheater (unverified but I don’t think you are wrong).

Get a plan. Get out. This sounds like a bad place to stay long term.

There are certainly enough red flags here to have your Spidey Sense tingling. Trust your instincts. Generally speaking, our institution is rarely wrong.

Any chance you can hire a private investigator without him knowing? Can you access his phone or car's GPS?

There are lots of videos on the internet that can help you learn to interrogate people. I think you might be surprised by just how enlightening, and useful, they can be.

You say that you cannot leave. Why would you have to be the one to leave? Of course you can't force him out. However, a threat of exposure might motivate him.

I'd suggest consulting a lawyer, even if only to educate yourself on your rights. Knowledge is always useful.

I'm sorry you've found yourself in limbo and possibly another d-day.

If you really can’t leave, detach. He becomes a piece of furniture. Whatever room he is in you are not. You do not have conversations. You discuss garbage pickup, leaf raking, snow blowing, tire rotation etc.. You no longer worry about where he is and what he is doing. You get busy finding interest away from the house. Leave the kids with him while you take some day trips, or weekend getaways. You consider him dead. You think of that thing that lives in the house a hologram.

If not leaving are kids, or financial, start putting money into your own savings and if you can do some investing. Start living your life on your own terms. You do not need to know why he is this way, acts this way, thinks this way. Whatever it is that makes him who he is in not your fault or your responsibility. He threw away any rights he has to your attention. Give yourself permission to let go. He does not have any rights to you any more.

Thanks for your replies. I had to confront him. I asked him who he went shopping with and he looked me dead in my face and lied to me over and over until he knew I had something more and then he folded. Told me he went with a coworker (woman) who I met before. Insisted nothing more is going on. I don’t know what I believe. But does it matter? He still lied and snuck around with a woman coworker. He had a 2 year, 9 month affair with a coworker. There’s no rebuilding trust, just further eroding it.

He tried to claim he wanted her to help him pick out a Christmas gift for me, then returned 8 hours later with nothing for me. But when I asked why he didnt just tell me he was going with her he said he didn’t want me to think something was going on. Which makes no sense. Instead he lied about it, and now I’m questioning if something is going on.

There was also some projection and deflection.

I’m more mad at myself for still being in such a vulnerable place all these years later. Financially dependent on a person I can’t depend on. I’m sad because I know this marriage doesn’t have a shot. I need to figure out how to get out. Really this time. 😢

I think your best bet is to consult with a good D lawyer to find out what your true financial situation would be after D.

Why worry about what a WS thinks of you? What you report says he already believes you're the reason he lies and, probably, cheats.

Went shopping with a female coworker to find a gift for you. Yeah I'm going to call BS on that one. And he lied to your face until he assumed he was cornered and then told the truth. He sounds like someone who is not worthy of your trust

If he was truly committed to your relationship he would have said I want to go shopping for you and I want a female's input so I would like to ask Jane to come along to help me. Now, were my wife to say this to me my response would be BS, you are free to do what you want with whomever but I won't be here when you get back.

Maybe I am just old school and jaded but I have never been comfortable with men and women being friends to the point they spend time with each other without spouses present. This is especially true if they are attending a social setting.

I also believe it's a bad idea for coworkers to go out drinking in a mixed setting. After discovering what my wife was doing I set a hard boundary that she does not go out with coworkers in a mixed setting and if she goes out with female coworkers and male coworkers show up she either leaves or calls me to join them. Now, I am not naive, I understand that this could happen and she says nothing

How did you handle the first affair? Was there any individual counseling? Was there any marital counseling? Or was it just swept under the rug?

The sudden urge for him to groom downstairs would be a red flag to me as well. Men who typically do not do this do not suddenly start if they are married unless there was discussion about it. If he did it to try and impress you he would have made sure you noticed

You could try this, tell him I want your phone because I'm going to call the woman you went shopping with. I'm betting he will say no or he will try to deflect. Tell him I have questions that only she can answer and I want to talk to her right now. Or, tell him I want you to call her on speakerphone and tell her my wife figured out that we went shopping together and ate Chinese food. How the Other Woman responds will probably tell you everything you need to know but I'm guessing he will not agree to this, initially. He may say no and then come to you later saying okay, but then you have to assume he forewarned the other woman.

But if you think you are just done with him and the relationship and you cannot leave then you simply become roommates who share expenses and that's it. You start developing your own life with your own friends your own interests your own hobbies and he does the same. You do not tell him where you are going or who you are spending time with nor do you ask that of him

If you think there's a chance he is having sex with other women then I strongly urge you to get a full STD panel done

You have found a great place for support and advice, all of us are here to help

To me, this goes beyond red flag to a wailing red siren. He lied. About being with another woman. It doesn't matter what actually happened between them. The point is that he hid the interaction and then he lied about it. I would consider this another DDay. Between this and his blame-shifting/DARVOing you, I think it's clear that R isn't working.

You are correct that you need to start planning a way out. Many family lawyers will do a free initial consultation. Shop around and talk to a few of them. Find out what they think of your financial and custody prospects. Find out if you're in an at-fault state, in which case it might be beneficial for you to play things cool and hire a PI to get real evidence.

This is not going to be an easy road, but many of us have walked it (or in my case, are walking it right now). Check ou the Fear vs. Reality thread in the Divorce/Separation forum. It might help put your mind at ease about the future.

I'm so sorry.

Grey rock!

His explanation is absolute bullshit! First, he deceived you. Then, when confronted, he lied. That's all you need to know.

My husband said to me 6 and a 1/2 years after the affair you stayed and this is what’s going to do it. Going shopping with someone?

The fact he just doesn’t get it. That’s why I’m done.

I’m sure you know someone who recently divorced and got a favorable deal out of it. Talk to that person. Get the name of lawyer from them and schedule an initial consultation with that lawyer. From the intake form you should have an idea what you need to know. Write down your questions. The fact that you are staying home with kids also means you will likely get alimony and main custody of your kids. Know what you are up against and weigh your options. Trust me you are still young and don’t be stuck like this for another decade.

[This message edited by Sadnanxious at 7:04 AM, Monday, January 19th]

Going shopping with someone?

Hmmmm. Let’s call it what it is.

He had a dinner date with a co-worker. Seems to follow a pattern.

His co-worker friend "helped him" pick out some pretty terrible Christmas gifts.

He lied about everything.

He will never be a person who will be honest and truthful. Period.

Get a plan together. Whether it takes one minute or one year or longer, detach and financially prepare yourself for a D.

My husband said to me 6 and a 1/2 years after the affair you stayed and this is what’s going to do it. Going shopping with someone?

The fact he just doesn’t get it. That’s why I’m done.

No, he doesn't get it at all. It's far more than "going shopping with someone." If it was so innocent why did he try to hide it and lie? The lying alone is enough to be done with someone.

Go ahead and blame him. He earned it. He is the bad guy here.

I consulted a divorce lawyer. I need to stay with this feeling of being done and not slip back into being comfortable until it blows up in my face again.

He’s on his best behavior now doing things I asked of him like taking the subway to work and not driving. All the sudden it’s dead at work and he’s getting home earlier. I’ll never know the truth.

I also snooped in his bag on Monday and he has the blue pills. You know the ones that help his manhood. I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking that they may have been left in there from when we went away and he never took them out. Except when I checked today they were moved to his jacket pocket so he’s well aware of them. None were missing, but very suspect. I really don’t want to drive myself crazy with this. I just want to be done. Can’t trust him.

How do I hold onto this feeling?

You might not have that feeling all the time, but you have to follow through and act regardless. If you think divorcing him is the best move, then stick to that path. Feelings come and go, and you can't keep changing your mind based on how you feel on any given day.

How do I hold onto this feeling?

You ask yourself — is this how I want to live the rest of my life? Do I want to be living in this place filled with a lying, sneaky cheating spouse who continues to disrespect me?

So now he’s in "best behavior". That’s a typical cheater move. Do what the spouse asks. Temporarily anyway.

He’s taking his trusty blue pills outside of the house - 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

His Christmas shopping escapade - 🚩🚩

He’s coming home "on time" from work now - 🚩🚩

You deserve better. You deserve to live a life filled with truth, respect, love, happiness etc. You should not settle for the few scraps of his "I’m in the doghouse so I’ll be in best behavior for awhile".

My husband said to me 6 and a 1/2 years after the affair you stayed and this is what’s going to do it. Going shopping with someone?

This is called gaslighting. Making you think you are the crazy one. Blue pills he is moving around, grooming down there. Spending 8 hours and buying dinner for a woman coworker. Now suddenly he can get home from work on time. He is having an affair. Whether or not he has gotten her to sleep with him yet, no idea but that’s what he has been putting his effort into.

You deserve way better.

One can choose D even if your STBX acts humanely most of the time. you do not have to prove anything except that you want out.

You can't trust him. That's a great reason to D.