SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello folks,
My wife had a 13 month affair back during 21-22. I found a msg on her phone under a woman's name, but a profile pic of a man.. Confronted her and after a lot of teasing out, she said it was an x work colleague. I knew he had made inappropriate remarks to her and she told me back in 21, but he had left the company so I'd no need to worry because he was gone.. Then I found out this was the guy!!
Seemingly only friends, never met, and fully related to work.. She called him a womans name as she knew I wouldn't approve..
I was devastated..
I asked on so many occasions after this was there anything more ( in my heart I knew there was ) and she swore on everything sacred that there wasn't..
After this I stayed with her and really tried to make it work..
2 years later, I had enough info from my wife to make contact with his wife.. She was able to tell me that she knew of something from her side, and him and my wife had met and kissed, but that was it..
I talked to my wife again and met with more lies.. She said the did meet once, he tried to kiss her, but she pulled back! She again swore that was all...
I was so pissed off that I ended up calling her AP.. After a long chat, he admitted that they had an affair, met several times and had sexual relations.. I near died!
I found out more from him than 2 years pleading with my wife 😞
When I went back to her with this, she was caught and nowhere to run..
We had a big shouting match, and I said we were over!
The next day, we calmly spoke, I asked lots of questions, and she answered all.. More than what even her AP had said..
He was initially helping her with work, she enjoyed chatting with him, and he pushed for a meet up. Seemingly she blocked him twice when sexual remarks were made, but she kept letting him back in..
It the lead to coffee meetups, then meeting with kissing, then sexual imagages and pics, then sex once, and other several forms of sexual acts on at least 4 other occasions..
I was a mess!!
Trying to rebuild on what little I knew in 22 for 2 years, moving on, to then finding out everything I was told was lies..
We are married 18 years and have 3 kids under 13..
I want to make it work..
We have had many many sessions of IC, and couples counseling.
She has done everything she possibly could to repair this over the past year. Being supportive, giving me space when needed, being remorseful and respectful of my journey now..
I see all the efforts, and we've had some lovely times along with plenty of bad..
I just have lost the love I had for her to some degree, and I don't know if I'll get it back.. I do regularly see how sad she is for letting it happen, but in some ways it's a little late.. I just couldn't possibly have done what she did... Period..
Can I ever move on from this and be genuinely happy with this life with her, and regain trust and love..
I know some say that it can be better and stronger than ever after something like this, but I just don't know.. I'm the one now constantly stalling progress and causing setbacks in the recovery..

I'm the one now constantly stalling progress and causing setbacks in the recovery..

Why do you believe that?

Probably because I can see what could be possible if I can put this behind me, but I'm just fearful of truly letting her back in...
I want to, but I can't get past what she let happen, and wanted to happen in continuing their relationship..

So sorry you are now a member of the club that nobody ever thought they would be. Your wife had several opportunities to come clean yet she chose to lie to your face. Had she come clean the first time you confronted her reconciliation would have a better chance

Trickle truth. You had to dig and pry for years to get to the truth or what you know to be the truth. WS's typically only reveal as much as they believe they have to in order to placate the BS. Then you find out there's more and that resets the whole reconciliation to day one because now you don't know if you can ever believe anything because they lied so many times

Your wife is broken and she will not be a safe partner until she fixes herself and that takes a very long time but she has to want to do the work. She has to be willing to drag her naked butt through a mile of broken glass everyday for as long as it takes for you to believe that she is truly remorseful. Do you think she is truly remorseful? Only you can answer that question

Your relationship can never be the same because you now know something about your wife that you never thought possible and you just cannot make that disappear. Personally, I will never again implicitly trust my wife. Trust yet verify are wise words to live by.

Recovering from an infidelity trauma takes an incredibly long time for the BS. Everything you thought was safe and true and secure evaporated and now you're left wondering if the relationship can ever be rebuilt to what you need it to be. Some people have built better relationships after an affair, some people ended the relationship the moment they found out, and others rebuild the relationship to a degree and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't

April will be my 2-year anniversary of finding out and I still don't know for sure if the relationship will work out. I don't know if I want this type of History with someone I thought I was safe growing old with

Do I think my wife will cheat again? No. Do I think she could? Absolutely. She has proven that she is capable of setting aside her moral convictions for selfish reasons and maybe the pain and suffering she saw me going through was enough to permanently change her from ever being able to do something like that again but the truth is you never know

An affair causes permanent changes in a relationship and in the BS. For me, I am much more jaded and cynical about relationships and I will strongly caution my kids against getting married without having safeguards in place

Don't beat yourself up and don't blame yourself for stalling or blocking the reconciliation. If it's going to happen for you it's going to happen but only when you are ready for it to happen. There's no timeline there's no reasonable limit for you to get over it and move on as some MC's have suggested

You will have days when you feel good about the relationship, you will have days when you don't feel secure, you will have days when everything is going along just fine and then out of the blue the memory of the affair will pop into your head but take solace in knowing that as time goes by it does get easier, it does become less painful for most people

And as always, remember it is not your fault. Even if you were the worst husband in the history of mankind that's still no justification for your wife having an affair. She had ample opportunities to come to you if she was unhappy but she didn't. When she found herself slipping down the rabbit hole she could have come to you and you could have worked on the relationship but she didn't. Like 99% of the cheaters out there she wanted the Safety and Security that you provided and she wanted the excitement of an affair and now she gets to suffer the consequences of her decision

You have come to a great place for support and advice. All of us are here for you

[This message edited by WB1340 at 10:05 PM, Thursday, January 8th]

Don't be too hard on yourself, man. It takes years to heal from the severe emotional and psychological trauma. I understand that you want to put this behind you as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, it just isn't going to happen any time soon.

Being fearful to let her back in is perfectly natural and completely understandable. I certainly wouldn't encourage anyone to even try at this point. It'll take years of consistent actions on her part to earn back your trust and affection, if she's capable of doing whatever it takes.

I’m truly sorry you’re navigating this, as it’s an incredibly heavy weight to carry. In my experience, the key to moving forward is figuring out which "type" of person you are in this scenario. I’ll be honest: personally, I could never move past this. My principles regarding cheating, forgiveness, and need for justice are such that reconciling would feel like a betrayal of my own self-respect. I know that if I stayed, I’d eventually grow to hate myself because my need for justice would eat me alive.

​However, you seem to really want to make this work, and many people on this site claim to have done so successfully. On the other side of the coin, there are those who view forgiveness as a supreme virtue and are willing to adopt a more "flexible" view of justice to keep the relationship intact. It really comes down to whether you can live with that compromise or if your internal standards won't let you rest.

​You have to ask yourself what is actually holding you back from being happy with her. Is it a hurdle you can eventually jump over, or is this "stuck" feeling simply as good as it gets when you choose to stay? Some people manage to find a version of happiness in reconciliation, while others only find their peace once they leave for a faithful partner. You need to decide if you can truly bridge that gap, or if you're just delaying the realization that your principles might not let you.

Side note: Not really related to what you asked but an observation on your account... a claim I've saw by many waywards previously. The claim that they did not enjoy the sex but did so to keep the friendship as the friendship was highly meaningful to them. Always makes me wonder... Suppose her female friend made the same requests in order to keep the friendship going, think she'd have acted likewise? I doubt it. Clearly minimising at least some level of attraction that was going on.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 10:25 PM, Thursday, January 8th]

Feelingvunerable

I just have lost the love I had for her to some degree, and I don't know if I'll get it back..

this from my experience:

You will NEVER forget - but some day you will, mostly, just get a bit sad about her transgressions.

You will NEVER love her the same and TRUST will never be 100%

Yes, you can heal, after some fashion, and have a good life.

the "but" - It will be like a broken leg - maybe a bit shorter so you walk with a limp and some days you have some odd pain there.

No matter what - wifey needs to fix herself.

You should work on figuring out how to live with the merde panini.

Good book to read to motivate you to "let go" as much as possible:

The Body Keeps the Score
Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

By Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.

recommend you post more on your thoughts and bounce your concerns off of the painfully earned group knowledge here.

and peruse the library here - lots of good stuff

Guys, I thank you all for these heartfelt messages 🙏

Ok,here's where I'm at now.. Yes,I agree that the clock reset this year when I finally got the truth ( or at least what she says is the full truth ).. A few things the hurt very deeply in this..
They seemingly only had sex once, and when I push hard, she did admit that part of her did want to have sex, and part not.. The other big hurt is she performed certain acts with him ( she told me & didn't need to ) ok, I did push hard.. But these were acts that we never carried out together..
It can't help me feel like I wasn't worth the effort..

I had suggested a few sexual things after we tried to repair after the 1st smaller disclosure of an emotional affair ( I was trying to spice things up a little,as I felt for several years that it's like she didn't enjoy being intimate with me ), but there was no real effort on her part...
Then this year, I seen a big positive shift in her towards me intimately, and I did ask her why was I not worth this a few years back.. Putting in the extra effort etc.. He reply was, 'I didn't know the full truth back then, so I didn't feel I needed to'..
This actually hurt a lot, and makes me wonder, am I only worth this effort now that I know all, could leave, friends and family finding out, the shame of it all etc...
I asked her this, and she said NO.. The reason is she puts in more effort now is because she wants to.. Seen what she nearly lost.. Realises how terrible it all was, and wants to start over, but in a more positive way with more effort on her part..
That's all lovely, but it's just so hard to believe anything she says anymore... Hand on heart, I do believe her, but the bull shit lives over 4 years now makes believing very challenging!
I fell in love with her, married her, had 3 beautiful kids with her, thought we were truly solid, and for the record, I was a dam good husband.. Always there for her and helping her in any way I could.. Never abusive etc, helped out lots at home, and did everything I could to help the family..
What's more than challenging is swiftly realising I had no bloody clue who I married and what she was capable of!! I still feel sick at the thought of it all, and constantly question her and the counselor, How could you continue it.. How did it not eat you up inside.. You had 13 months to stop it, but kept going because You wanted it, and it felt good..
In a nutshell, her reply is 'because I thought you'd never find out'..
Me not finding out is worth nothing, as she should have had the morals to say NO from the 1st text message from him!!
I openly said, I'll accept this all some day, but I'll never ever understand it..
I'm in mid life at the moment now, not a bad looking guy and I know I have so much love to offer someone deserving.. The big question is, do I want to keep trying to get past this hurt and stay.. Give her the chance to prove herself truly over time, and have the possibility happy ever after with her... Or, do I grow a pair, say you had your chance and move on to new pastures with someone else..
The kids are always at my forefront and only for them, I'd be gone..
Finances is the other side, as neither of us can afford to get another house..
All these things are making me stay in the fight, but is it enough??
I also question the chance of me never finding someone else again, and if I left, I'd truly regret throwing the marriage away..

Do I think she'd cheat again: No.
Do I think she's genuinely remorseful now : Yes.
Do I believe everything I've been told about them together: Possibly not.
Does she want to make this work now, and put in full effort to repair: I'd say yes.. ( But I'll never truly know what she thinks or feels ).

It's an absolute head wreck!!

You have been heard! And these thoughts have plagued so many thousands here. Keep working on yourself. BTW it didn’t matter if you were a great husband or a poor one in her decision to cheat. You were immaterial as a cause. It was all about her issues and her brokenness. It sounds like she is taking the steps to repair herself. Good. Don’t try to understand her motivations or thinking at the time. You can’t. It is not something we as BS can grasp. Her continued consistent effort to fix her issues over time is the key, whether you decide to stay or you both move on. If you continue to move forward in R and heal, remember you each have the power to pull the plug at anytime. You are not trapped. Good luck.

So very sorry friend. That is horrible and I know it takes a long time for the horrible thoughts to have less power over you. I highly recommend you find a Betrayal Trauma Therapist, not just a normal counselor. They have much more knowledge on how to get you through this. More methods on how to process and grieve.

Check out Jake Porter on YouTube, great specialist.

I hope you circled back with the AP wife and told her all you had found out. Seems he had trickled her too.

I believe you can make it work, but it will take time and tons of effort. Don't ever think you need to stop talking or asking questions. Your brain NEEDS to do that.

Did she read book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald? If not, get it and both read it.

Prayers for you friend. On that note, after I found out, only seeking God and Him supporting me cause me to survive. My wife and I are recovering. God is a restorer.

You don't have to make any decisions right now. Three young kids and limited financial options are good reasons to make an effort towards reconciliation. You wouldn't be the first BH to do so for these reasons and I'm certain, unfortunately, that you won't be the last.

Her increased desire for intimacy and being more adventurous could be a type of love-bombing. She might be using sex as a way of getting closer to you. A tool of sorts. That's not an intrinsically bad thing. It's contrition, in a way. I would suggest having some deep conversations about this, exploring what you both want out of it, how you both feel, think, etc. Physical intimacy is typically different for men versus women. There's common ground, of course, but it varies from person to person. Talking about it can lead to a better understanding and, hopefully, greater fulfillment for both of you.

What's more than challenging is swiftly realising I had no bloody clue who I married and what she was capable of!!

Yeah, we all go through this. It's a mind-fuck of epic proportions and extremely disappointing (to put it mildly). But, now you know. Now you know just how broken she is. I certainly hope she know this, too, and is owning and fixing her shit.

How could you continue it.. How did it not eat you up inside.. You had 13 months to stop it, but kept going because You wanted it, and it felt good..

In a nutshell, her reply is 'because I thought you'd never find out'..

That's a lie she's told herself. She knew damned well you'd find out but buried those fears and thoughts, compartmentalizing them. I think most WS convince themselves of the same bullshit. It's like hoping to win the lottery: the odds are extremely low.

Most WS are trying to fill a void within themselves, an unhealthy need that they neither understand nor try to fix. For many, it's an escape, an easy fix, not unlike an alcohol or drug addiction. They know damned well its wrong and self-destructive, but are unable to stop.

If you're going to reconcile, it begins with your WW uncovering her whys, owning them, and doing her best to fix what's broken. Unlearning some untruths about ourselves is fucking hard. Without that effort, reconciliation is simply not possible.

At some point, she's going to have to try and explain all of this to you. It may never make sense to you, because you haven't been there and done that. However, getting as close as humanly possible will help you to believe and accept the changes she's making. That will help to restore trust, which opens up doors currently and justifiably closed.

Does she want to make this work now, and put in full effort to repair: I'd say yes.. ( But I'll never truly know what she thinks or feels ).

Well, yes and no. We can never truly know anyone. However, it's possible that your wife will learn to be an authentic person. It can happen.

All of this takes years, brother. It takes hard work.

There's a great post written by a formerly wayward wife in The Healing Library.

"Wayward: The Work"

by foreverlabeled

Print it out and give it to your wife. Just don't tell her where you found it.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/wayward-the-work/

[This message edited by Unhinged at 1:44 AM, Friday, January 9th]

How could you continue it.. How did it not eat you up inside.. You had 13 months to stop it, but kept going because You wanted it, and it felt good..

In a nutshell, her reply is 'because I thought you'd never find out'..

My take is that people are too quick to discount that even if she expected you to find out, she may have assumed you’d eventually forgive her anyway. Another reason I would never choose the R path. She may feel she was entitled to the affair and is now entitled to your forgiveness.

This reminds me of a former colleague, an engineer who traveled often and cheated on his wife constantly. I found it abhorrent. When I asked what he’d do if she ever found out, he was blunt: 'So what? I’ll spend a couple of weeks in the dog house, maybe do some therapy—it’s worth it for all the action I’m getting.'

He was a terrible human being. Interestingly, I’ve never seen a wayward partner on this forum admit to that mindset. Either he was the only 'truthful' wayward I’ve encountered, or he was the worst of all time. Then again, maybe that type of person just never seeks out a site like this.

Its impossible to know which type of wayward your wife is. Absolutely do not discount that she did a cost benefit analysis, presumed even if you did find out you'd take her back and then it was therefore worth it.

Ultimately she might be right, if you stay what are her consequences? Were they bad enough to negate the thrill of the affair? I can't answer that for you. Just worth thinking on.

The kids are always at my forefront and only for them, I'd be gone..

Finances is the other side, as neither of us can afford to get another house..

All these things are making me stay in the fight, but is it enough??

I also question the chance of me never finding someone else again, and if I left, I'd truly regret throwing the marriage away..

People have argued with me consistently on this forum that low self esteem doesn't impact the decision to stay... I guess I'm right some of the time... that's what you are doing here.

Do not make the mistake of thinking you aren't worthy of a loyal faithful partner! You are. You could absolutely find one. It's honestly not that big of an ask. I'd argue its the bare minimum. You need to work on your self esteem such that you believe that. The other reasons are practicalities. Admittingly relevant ones but ultimately people divorce everyday and make it work. Of course finances will take a hit in the short term, the kids will have to adjust to the new normal but its all worth it if you think it will make you happier in the long term.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 9:58 AM, Friday, January 9th]

A year is too soon to trust any WS. Rebuilding trust requires 1000s of trust-building actions, and that takes longer than a year. If you don't want to pull the plug, see how you think and feel 6 and 12 months from now.

IMO, D doesn't guarantee much of anything. You've still been betrayed, and you still have to deal with that trauma whether you D, R or wait. You thought you were getting a faithful partner with your WS; you have no way of knowing if the next partner will choose will or won't be faithful. In fact, if your WS does the necessary work (and you seem to think she's doing it), you might have a permanently faithful partner now, right next to you.

Right now, you're uncertain about what's best for you (and your kids). I don't see a need to act now. You're dealing with decisions that will likely affect decades or your life and more decades of your kids' lives. My reco is to seek an optimal decision, and that will take longer than a year. I understand the impatience - that's where the 'soo' part of my ID comes from. But recovering from being betrayed is a marathon, not a sprint. So is R. So is a good D.

Patience, bro, Patience. The resolution always takes longer than the BS thinks it should. Patience will get you to where you want to be.

Interestingly, I’ve never seen a wayward partner on this forum admit to that mindset.... Then again, maybe that type of person just never seeks out a site like this.

Your colleague doesn't qualify for membership. because he's not interested in changing. If he DID join and posted honestly, I think his fellow waywards would confront him in ways that would send him scurrying away.