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Well, yesterday was a giant mess. WS was supposed to leave yesterday morning for a trip, so I was at the house to look after the cats and the kid. Last minute weather necessitated a postponement, and I was trying to rejigger my schedule and figure out when to return to my apartment. Meanwhile, kid (age 16) woke up depressed, expressed frustration at having to go back and forth with so much inconsistency, and she was confused and anxious about how WS and I "really feel about each other."

I started to break down because I didn't know how to explain why it's so hard for me to be at the house without telling her about WS's infidelity. She said, "I'd like to know what happened to make you so upset, and you know I want to make up my own mind about people, even close family." So I conferred privately with WS because we had agreed not to unilaterally share additional information, and he unhappily said he's ready to stop controlling the narrative and for me to tell her what I need to.

It was so hard for me to say it out loud to her, that her dad cheated on me. I kept crying. It was awful. She asked with whom, and I said a coworker. She didn't ask how much or for how long or any other details, and I didn't volunteer any. I did share that I'm triggered by showering in the house because that's where I did most of my sobbing and self-harm. She was understanding, and after the initial disclosure, said, "Girl, I would've divorced him on the spot." That made me laugh a little, and I explained that it's a lot more complicated when you've been with someone for 30 years, and that sometimes a thing that's broken can't be fixed despite our best effort. I also explained that we're amicably divorcing because I believe that he's truly sorry, and that I do want to continue a night a week together because I think it's stabilizing for all 3 of us (she's an only child), but extended stays at the house, especially when he's there, are really hard for me.

She seemed to take it all in stride, but I'm sure there will continue to be ripple effects, just as there have been with the divorce. She has completely crashed and burned in school this year, and we shifted her to an online program, but she's struggling to get the work done. I'm scared for her future, I second guess every decision, including the divorce, but I also feel good about finally clearing the air with her. "No more secrets," I promised and said the door is open for anything she wants to talk about. I feel like I can finally stop tiptoeing around her. She said that knowing all this might help alleviate her anxiety. I hope so, but only time will tell.

I left for my apartment this morning, and kid remains at the house (better study setup for her there), so there's no visible damage to her relationship with her dad, though I'm sure stuff will come up. The three of us had a peaceful family dinner together last night, but I couldn't sleep after 2:30am because I'm still worried about her education and future. For context, pretty much everyone in the family has a graduate degree, and this kid is contemplating taking a high school equivalency test and not going to college. We are all quietly freaking out, which she no doubt senses and no doubt isn't helping. The rational part of me says that people can have secure, fulfilling lives in many ways, but this is so far outside what I know that it's scary. Plus a heaping dose of parental guilt because I've been less involved in her life than ideal thanks to dealing with all the ddays and whatnot.

If wishes were fishes, I'd cast a net to roll back time to 2020. I wish the OBS had told me the truth back then, when he found out, when I was healthy and had a job, and the kid was a pre-teen, and I could've had primary custody, and and and...the sea has no shortage of fish.

Thanks for reading my trauma dump, SI. Y'all are a lifesaver, sometimes literally.

So sorry to hear you and your daughter are dealing with this infidelity, and I understand your feeling guilty but the topic of her school goals seems like one you could safely ask her about, sometime. Who among us knew what our higher education path would shspe up to be, when we were teenagers? Perhaps her feeling this way is due to uncertainty about how stable her home base may remain? Understandsble, if so, but it does sound like you're bending over backwards to be a steady presence.

My mother bailed out when we were late teens, and although I didn't blame her at all for leaving my alcoholic and then unemployed father, we ended up having to sell the house we all grew up in to avoid a foreclosure, and all 4 of us kids had to land on our feet and start jobs at 16-19 years old. Now that was a rough start. You're doing better than that!

It sounds to me as though your daughter is a very emotionally intelligent and sensible kid. All credit to you. She responded to you so much better than many grown ups would have. She sounds awesome and she will do amazingly in life, I can just sense it.

It's hard telling kids about difficult situations and it makes so much sense to try and shelter them from it all. However she is smart and she is old enough to see that things are not right. It makes sense for her to be inquisitive and to try and understand what went on in her family. Good decision to tell her I think. It's better than being anxious and wondering why you guys separated and if she's missing something important.

I have a 10 month old so I have no idea how I would handle a conversation like this with a teenager as I have no experience yet but it sounds to me that you did a very good job considering your circumstances and the way you are feeling right now. Well done and please don't be hard on yourself.

You were right to tell her. How can she navigate the messiness without understanding it? She’s on the brink of adulthood and obviously sees/hears/feels everything that is going on it the house. Give her time - it takes a bit to work through how she feels about it all. But you did the right thing and I am glad your STBXWS agreed to tell her and did not try to control the narrative.

I am so happy you were able to open up to your daughter. Your relationship with her will grow more than you can imagine I suspect. Regarding her lack of drive. I will tell you as father of 3 boys that are in what are supposed to be the "launch" years. It is so very tough out there now. You are not alone.

Thank you for the votes of confidence, Superesse, JustSomeWoman, and BearlyBreathing!

WoodThrush2, I'm sorry you're in the thick of this stage of life too. I feel like nothing has been quite right with this kid ever since the pandemic. Having her mom (me) become permanently disabled by covid from early 2021 probably hasn't helped her recover from all that either!

So hard not to stress about it all. And I know I'm not to blame for the divorce, but I still feel terrible that I have to put my kid through it.

I was also really looking forward to being with her (just me and her) for New Year's Eve, and now I will be alone my apartment. My sympathetic nervous system is a lot more relaxed here, though, and it's a better environment for me in other ways too. I'm so ready for a break from all these different kinds of grief.

She's 16 - 'kid' is the right term. She's still creating herself. She knows she's a mess right now. Staying away from college isn't a bad decision, if she does something productive. I think of an old acquaintance who joined the USAF when he was 18 because he didn't want to go to work in a factory. Barely got through HS. No history of college in his FOO. He's a retired (full) professor, Ph.D., lots of pubs.

You don't know your daughter's future. It looks like she was pretty persistent in getting the info she wanted from you, and that bodes well for her.

I'm glad the elephant is no longer in the room. Sending it away is a good way to start a new year.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:29 PM, Wednesday, December 31st]

NoThanks, I have no advice to give beyond the previous responses before mine.

I just want to tell you that you've been heard.

So sorry that you're struggling and hurting.

Sending hugs and strength.

Thank you, sisoon & Dorothy. I realize my anxiety is on overdrive, and that's helping no one. A lot of that is me feeling like I've failed my daughter these past 5 years. After I became disabled, I haven't been able to do 90% of what I used to do for her, including cooking full meals, hiking, crafts, baking, etc. And overlapping with that was a year of ddays and 2 more years of aftermath, including the separation and decision to divorce this year. I haven't had the emotional resilience, humor, or fortitude that I used to in dealing with her.

Maternal guilt is a beast, and even though I can rationalize and CBT my way out of the guilt and anxiety (none of this was my fault), the regret at all the lost opportunities remains. I hope she'll recover. I hope she'll have a good life, whatever that looks like. I wonder if my presence does more good or harm these days.

I don’t think you’ve failed your daughter. You have done your best. I am a child of infidelity. My mother kept her pain all boxed up from my dads affair when we were young. I thought I had her back and was super mean to my dad who was repentant. Then she chose to cheat on him the last six years of his life.That is messing it up.

You were honest. You were forthright. You have taught your daughter to share her pain and get support when she needs it. I think you are a great mom.

Your presence is definitely additive to her life. Never think otherwise.
Moms provide more than activities and meals. They provide love and unconditional caring. This is priceless.

"Love and unconditional caring" is tough for me right now. It's a topic for my next therapy session. Even with the truth exposed, I find that I am less trusting of others, including my kid, more anxious, and generally unable to feel "love" as wholly as I used to. My therapist will probably tell me I'm still healing and need more time, and if so, I'm sure that's true.

I wish it wasn't so, though - I feel especially bad about for my kid and parents. I'm still close to them, but I don't feel like saying "I love you" to anyone, partly because I just don't feel it the same way, and partly because I no longer see the point. STBX said it during and after the affair, but those words/feelings didn't stop him from crushing me over and over again.

I think I'm also strongly reacting when anyone (kid included) says they will do a thing and then doesn't follow through. It triggers a lot of anxiety, probably because I'm still rebuilding trust in reality. In the early months, after dday1 and dday2, I had several episodes of derealization for the first time in my life. The closest I've felt that way before was back in college on hallucinogens. I think I'm also subconsciously worried that kid will end up more like her dad then like me, which is based on nothing fair or rational, but it's another anxiety point that I'm still working on. Betrayal trauma is the gift that keeps on giving...!

One thing I’ve thought about a bit is how few words we have to describe the many many kinds of love. The love for parents is different than the love for kids is different than the love for your pets or partner/spouse or friends or that deep dish pizza that is so sublime. We have this one word that is supposed to cover all those bases. So when you hear or say you love someone, it may be the same word, but the feeling and emotion behind it is different. In the end, they are words and YOU give them the meaning.

And yes, good stuff for therapy. Your kid will make their own way and be their own person. Have faith in them.

She's going to remember and appreciate your honesty and it sounds like she more than understands. I think you clearly, absolutely, unequivocally did the right thing. The message sent is that it's not okay to stay in an unhealthy situation and it is okay to take a stand for yourself. For what it's worth, when I was a kid (12 years old) I appreciated and understood my mother divorcing my dad and was grateful she got us out of a bad situation. I have never, ever held that against her.

So glad to see your daughter understands. She might be struggling with school right now, but she doesn't sound like a dummy at all. I predict she'll grow up to be a successful well adjusted adult. You sound like a great mom.

I think your daughter appreciates you treating her like an intelligent person and told her the truth. So she could stopping wondering why her mother was distant and wouldn’t come back home. Was it her fault? Was there anything she could do? Now she has the answer and she has your back. She will also realize even though the marriage is ending both parents care about her. Maybe she is unsure about her future. Give her some room to explore and find her passion. Just remind her whatever she wants to do you also have her back and she should try to be the best she can be, regardless of how you and her dad may find your own new paths.

Thanks, BearlyBreathing, Pogre, Sadnanxious.

The last couple weeks are going a little better all around. I'm sure there will continue to be ups and downs, but I will take the reprieve. Since the disclosure, kid has had one session with her therapist and then declared that she's cutting back to monthly rather than weekly or bi-weekly, so maybe having the truth out alleviated something that she's been holding back (either from us or maybe even from herself).

I definitely have more to work on in therapy for myself, but I have been less anxious around both kid and stbx now that at least some of the truth is out. I have a hard time with secrets and skeletons in the closet, and who knows, maybe the stress of holding that back was stressing out the kid, too, even if it wasn't overt. Time will tell.

In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have let stbx control the narrative ever, but while trying to R, I was still invested in his comfort and hoping to protect the kid and extended family from the affair fallout. During the initial phase of the D, I didn't want to antagonize stbx. I do sometimes wish I could rewind time and make the decision to divorce sooner, but hindsight is 20/20, as they say.

No Thanks FTM - you did the right thing in telling her. She probably had her suspicions anyway of what was going on but knowing the truth is much better than imagining the possibilities. This is her family too, she has a right to know what's affecting it and what's going to shape it in the future. Don't worry about protecting Dad. This is HIS fault. Frankly, I'd have your daughter's reaction, LOL. Whatever relationship they have in the future is between them, it's not for you to control or shape or manage. They have to work it out, and YES, again, this is HIS fault so he has to deal with it. If she's angry or upset with him or doesn't want to be involved, that's all legit. If she clings, that's legit too. Right now everyone has to find their footing and it will take a while.

About the school work - I came from an extremely poor and dysfunctional family and I DID drop out of HS and got my GED. A few years later I was able to put myself through college (because I could never afford it on my own) with help from an employer. And I got a couple of professional degrees too. So this definitely can be done. She sounds like a sensible girl and I wouldn't worry too much unless she starts having bad behavior like drinking, etc. You know. I tend to doubt that though. Sometimes it's not the right time for school - some people handle stress by diving into school or sports, etc, others need to pull back because they can't concentrate, they're too jangled. You might want to talk to the school itself and see if there are other possibilities for her - maybe there's more flexibility than you know right now. But don't worry about the lack of interest in school work or the GED right now. If she can't focus, she can't focus and she doesn't need the extra pressure. Just let her know she can always talk to you, and even loser Dad about this and you'll both be there for her. Maybe there's a substitute kind of school work she can do if she can't keep up right now. See what kind of options the school or school system might provide. But don't make her the focus of worry because she has enough to deal with right now. And so do you. I think in a time like this the emphasis has to be on finding calm and stability where you can. Maybe have little rituals or things you do together that are fun and calming and don't involve being "productive".

Thanks, BondJaneBond. All valid points, and I appreciate you sharing your story and journey!

I found a good online program for her a couple months ago when she stopped going to regular school, and we're working things out with her therapist, too. While she isn't on the track I had hoped for, I think you're right that she will be okay. She's not acting out in harmful ways, so that at least is a relief, and she is doing her schoolwork (if slowly) so I'm hoping she gets through this at her own pace, whatever that turns out to be.