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I am wanting to reach out to my wife's AP's wife. They are married with kids and it is digging at me I haven't said anything for these two months. I was able to find her on social media and a possible home phone number on the Internet. Any advice on how to reach out? What do I say?

My wife says they have no contact. My main reason for wanting to tell the AP's wife is I feel like an accessory to their affair by not saying anything. Another reason is a lot of folks on here say it is necessary to ensure to affair is ended.

It's early but my wife and I are working on reconciliation. I'm not wanting to tell her I am doing this. If it gets back to her it likely means contact was never broken. Her reaction would likely tell me alot of what I need to know.

Edit: I wanted to add a question I thought of after posting this. It may be obvious to you all, but I'm new to this and learning how to navigate through it. If AP's wife asks about my WW, should I share all that info? Name? Where she works? What her position is? Photo proof that has her in it? I would think yes, but I'd like your alls view point.

[This message edited by TrashPanda7 at 12:38 AM, Wednesday, November 19th]

I'm not wanting to tell her I am doing this. If it gets back to her it likely means contact was never broken.

In my opinion, this is the best way for you to know if No Contact is going on. If your wife learns you did tell the APs wife, then you know for sure.

The main reason for telling is that his wife needs to know to regain her agency. Surely you would want someone to tell you if they knew about your wife's betrayal.

Yes I would definitely want someone to tell me. My wife even said she would want to be told if the roles were reversed.

Bigger gave you somewhat of a template as far as to what you could say, and as usual, his advice is very good.

Bigger wrote:

All you need to tell her is what you already know:

They have been sharing sexually explicit content of each other.

They have spent time together alone in their vehicles and in the stairwells.

That you are concerned that they are having an affair.

That’s it. Don’t make any claim that’s not true or you can’t corroborate.

Find her number, phone her and tell her. Introduce yourself and be direct. You are sorry to have to tell her this, but believe she deserves to know.

Just stick with the actual facts and keep it as matter of fact and gentle as you can. It probably would be best to call her directly if you have a phone number. A Facebook message or text could potentially be intercepted, but if that's all you have, then that's all you have.

Remember, no matter how you or your wife feel about it, this is for her and her agency first. As you alluded to here, you for sure would have wanted to be told if the AP's wife's had discovered it first, right? If it gets back to your wife or gets the AP to back off those are just helpful side effects for you.

ETA: You could maybe lead in with "Hello, my name is TrashPanda. You don't know me, but my wife works with your husband and I've uncovered some evidence concerning my wife's and your husband's relationship that I think you should and deserve to know." Then add what Bigger typed up, or some version of that. If you need to, gather your evidence, write it down and have it in front of you.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:21 PM, Wednesday, November 19th]

If I remember correctly from your other thread the AP is aware that you know about the affair. That means his betrayed wife’s social media and phone may be compromised. If he has access he’s probably blocked you or is monitoring to intercept any message from you and reply with some form of thank you but please respect our privacy as we work on our marriage.

If she works outside of the home contacting her at her job would insure he couldn’t intercept. If she doesn’t you may have to take a day off and hand deliver, at a time you know he’s at work, a short note with the basic details and your contact info if she wants to know more.

Thank you. I think I'll definitely write it out, at least the main points because I know I'll forget something. I would much prefer a phone call over an Instagram/Facebook message.

I'm also fairly certain I found their address too, not that I want to do that route.

I'm definitely not blocked by either of them, but I still wouldn't want to risk if he's monitoring her stuff.

[This message edited by TrashPanda7 at 7:41 PM, Tuesday, November 18th]

There's no easy way. This is so hard. I'd just call her and say, "Hello, I'm TP7 and I want to discuss an important personal matter between my wife and your husband. I discovered they've been having an affair for...however long it is.
I know how awful this is, I'm sorry to tell you, but I feel you should know. If there's anything you want me to tell you, I'll tell you what I know. You can call me back too if you wish as I know how hard this is."

I'd get right to the heart of it before she can cut you off. She may already have some inkling that this is going on, people often do.

I think that's all you have to say. You can voice call or text but text is easier to pass on, of course. I'd do voice call myself. She really needs to know, for herself and her kids but also.....your wife may not be the only person he's involved with, and there may have been others before. There probably will be others after.

Be prepared for any kind of response, including anger, but once you tell her, that's the limit of your responsibility. You don't need to do anything else unless you both want to. So if she gets angry or upset, just be easy with her...."I know how hard this is how much it hurts, I'm going through this too. I'll let you go now but you can call me at any time." She may yell, she may cry, she may say nothing, she may thank you, she may want all the details, she may want to meet. You can decide at that point, but once you've told her, you don't have to do anything else, IMO. I think it would not be uncommon for her to get very upset but maybe want to talk to you later. Think of how it would be if someone just told you this, especially if you had no inkling. She might not be surprised - she might be grateful even....but I think this is always a shattering thing to discover.

It's a very hard thing to do, but it's the right thing to do. And it will help to end the affair or make it more difficult to continue, on your side.

If you do have a sense that AP might monitor the messaging (as I guess he knows you know), you could also try meeting her in person - I know it might sound a bit stalkerish but you could just show up someplace you know she'd be if you know what she looks like. I think it's important that she knows, for her own good and her children's. I would want to know, no matter how upset it might make me at first.

I'm very sorry your wife has put you in this terrible position. If we had any real punishment in the world, SHE should have to go to his wife and tell her this because your WIFE is the interloper here. It really makes me angry that on top of all the other bullshit she's done, she puts you in this position where this even becomes an issue. I would seriously reconsider reconciling if I were you. I really think people should be publicly shamed for this behavior, probably right in the middle of the town square.

Yeah definitely do not try to make first contact with her by email or Facebook message etc. I can’t tell you how many times it has been reported here that those were intercepted by the AP.
I distinctly remember at least once where the AP had one of his other women pretend to be his wife!
Top tier would be phone contact at her place of work. But sometimes it can be difficult to track down where they work.

If she is like most of us she ignores unknown numbers. My take is to leave a message if she doesn’t answer. On my iPhone it show if a message is left then I can listen and make a return call if needed. If you do call leave your phone number altho it probably is there.

You message should be short and sweet. My name is xxx. My w is having an affair w your h. I have info if you need it. My number is xxx.

I sent the OBS (other betrayed spouse) a letter by registered mail. I told her everything that I knew and how I knew it. I included my name and contact information. We emailed each other a few times, and that was that.

I would try to reach out and talk to her rather than send an email or message. Definitely not anonymous.
Stay factual. Like right now you don’t know if they had sex, but you do know they sent explicit pictures, spent time together alone in their vehicles, spent time in stairwells, and have had intimate conversations/messaging.

Remember your role is not to convince her or prove anything to her. It’s to inform her.

We can list all sorts of moral reasons, but the key one for me is that even if she doubts you there is a 99% chance she’s going to confront her husband. At the very least tell him that some weirdo called TrashPanda was claiming he was having an affair with Mrs. Panda. The goal here IMHO is not so much as to cause pain in his world (that’s a nice side-benefit) but rather to make him do what probably 9/10 OM do: Dump your wife and focus on his marriage.

--

You never answered one question: What is their work-relationship? One of them higher than the other in the office hierarchy?

Thank you Bigger. Without putting too many details out there, they are not coworkers. My wife's job involves going to court sometimes, but is not based in the courthouse, it's a different building down the street, but still walking distance. His job is at the courthouse. They could potentially cross paths if he is the one bringing the inmate to the court room that day and she happens to be in court for that particular case.

They used to schedule it so they would be in there at the same time since he is in charge of scheduling that stuff on his end.

Yes.

Stay factual. Like right now you don’t know if they had sex, but you do know they sent explicit pictures, spent time together alone in their vehicles, spent time in stairwells, and have had intimate conversations/messaging.

You don't need to embellish or dip into any hypotheses. I think the bare, demonstrable facts of this case alone are enough to raise concerns for any spouse, and guessing or connecting dots without proper evidence could just undermine your credibility if you can't prove something. Keep it short, factual, and leave the door open if she wants to reach back out with any more questions.

I waited 5 months before reaching out and I regret every minute of waiting. It was not my right to decide what his wife gets to know about their marriage. I found an email and I sent a message that was vague but specific enough that if this was the right woman she would know what I was saying

I vacillated over telling my wife before I did it but I decided not to because I didn't want to take a chance on her talking me out of it

I felt so much better after that woman replied and I was able to tell her what was going on and it turns out this is not the first time he has done this. I apologized for waiting so long but she wasn't upset, she was very grateful

When I told my wife of course she was upset. She said why didn't you talk to me before you did this, what if she comes into my work and causes a scene, what if I lose my job to which I replied where was all of this concern while you were having your affair? What if his wife had discovered your messages on her husband's phone and came into your work and caused a scene and you lost your job and our family lost its medical insurance?

That quickly took the wind out of her sails. I said if she does come into your work and causes a scene her husband will lose his job so I don't see her doing that.

I said I had no right to decide what this woman gets to know about her marriage and I did the right thing and I feel better about myself for doing so

I would not call, I would try to email or reach out on social media. Do not give out your phone number do not give out any information about your wife

Kudos to you for doing the right thing, IMO.

The husband of my WH's affair partner found out about their long-term EA. He confronted both my WH and his wife. WH and AP agreed they would end it.

AP husband didn't send me the memo. About a month later when WH traveled to her site, they met up in his hotel room.

Had the AP's husband informed me, nothing physical would have ever happened between my WH and the AP.

His choice not to inform me resulted in years of heart wrenching pain that could have been avoided, even though the EA was heartbreaking enough.

Hi TP

Giving my two cents worth. I followed the advice here and reached out to the OBS. You'll see from my threads I had similar reasons in wanting to know if contact was truly broken etc.

I messaged on FB on a day I knew AP was going to be at work to avoid interception and just said I had information about her husband and my partner that she should know and she responded instantly to set up a call. Long story short, she had suspected something and it also wasn't APs first affair so she'd been waiting for years for this to happen again. She cried. But ultimately profusely thanked me for telling her. I knew at that point it was the right decision to tell her. I've not heard from her since (Jan 25 when I contacted) and I haven't told my WW. We're working things through. Not perfect but riding the coaster.

Good luck to your brother. Thing that has always helped me - you don't deserve this, and you're the prize. X

Captain Infidelity checking in.

The way I generally reveal an affair is as follows:

"I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but I have information that I received via [information source] that makes me believe that your spouse has been in an inappropriate relationship with WP.

[Evidence here]

I know this is hard information to receive, but I think informing you is the right thing to do.

If you'd like to talk to me about what I know, feel free to reach out."

As for contact info, LinkedIn was the platform I had the most success on because it doesn't filter suspected spam like facebook and other social media platforms do. In other cases, I simply had the direct contact info and used that.

If AP's wife asks about my WW, should I share all that info? Name? Where she works? What her position is? Photo proof that has her in it? I would think yes, but I'd like your alls view point.

I provided my wife's name and that they worked together. I was ready for any potential blowback from an HR report. OBS in my case thanked me once and then never talked to me again.

In short, I would encourage you to definitely find an appropriate way to reach out. We've all got our own stories, but in my case, I had confirmation of the affair (though not all details). I had spoken with the other guy, and he mirrored what my wife had said -- the affair was a mistake, it was over, they were both very sorry, and he implied that his wife knew as well.

I contacted his wife through her work email, and basically told her of the affair with no details. I said that I had been told she was aware, that I didn't intend to break any news to her, and that I was sorry if that was the case. It was not my job to help control their secrets, and I said that I wanted to see if the "truth" I was being told matched the "truth" she was being told. I offered to talk or meet to compare notes if she was interested.

Ultimately, she was NOT aware, and confronted her husband that night. She called me the next day, and we talked a couple times over the next several months. Once things were out in the open, and our spouses realized that there was this direct line of communication, a weight was lifted off my shoulders like I cannot explain. Suddenly, I had an ally, and that felt like a first.

Just wondering: Why don't you demand that your WW's AP inform his wife, because otherwise you will do it yourself? This works in most cases and saves you the pain. In my case, however, this led to the husband of my WH's AP blocking me on all channels because he decided he just didn't want to know. And even if this may be an unpopular opinion: everyone has the right not to know. However, I also completely understand that direct communication between the BSs can be very stress-relieving (it would have been for me too).

[This message edited by 7m46s at 5:33 PM, Thursday, November 20th]