SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Since I didn't find this site until about 2 years post D day, I feel like I missed so much great advice. I'm wondering what "rules" you put in place with your wayward spouse to help both heal from the A.

I'm wondering if it's too late for me to impose these rules with H....

THANK YOU!!

I didn’t put any rules in place.

I made sure my H was leading the path towards R. If I tell him what to do, then he’s just following and it doesn’t prove their investment to the marriage or commitment to the spouse/partner.

It had to prove to me he was willing to change, and recognize the mistakes he made and understand why he cheated. He had to show true remorse and the willingness to make amends.

Without any input from me.

13 years later those changes are still there and he’s never once given me a reason to suspect he’s lying or cheating.

He also knows he has no more chances - not just with cheating but with anything. If he’s not doing the right thing (for any reason) then the marriage is over.

I wrote this some time ago:

If you want R, I recommend figuring out your requirements for R and seeing if your W will sign on. If they won't, perhaps they can come up with something else that will meet your requirements, but if you can't negotiate something truly acceptable to both of you, great - you can go directly to D. Otherwise, you can monitor them for 3-6 months and commit to R for yourself if they are (is?) consistent in meeting your requirements.

The requirements need to be observable and measurable. That way it's easy to monitor progress and make adjustments as you go along.

Common requirements include:

NC - no contact with ap; if ap initiates contact, report to BS and together decide how to respond

Transparency - BS has passwords to e-mail, voice-mail, phones, etc.; WS keeps BS informed of
whereabouts, activities, and companions at virtually all times

Honesty - WS answers BS's questions when they're asked, although sometimes a break is necessary, sometimes an answer is best deferred to MC session, etc., no more lies.

IC for WS - to change the thoughts and feelings that supported the A, with signed release that enables C to talk with BS about WS's goals and progress (so the BS can make sure WS's IC isn't being lied to).

IC for BS - for support - and for resolving any internal issue that comes up

MC - to help communications between the partners, if one or both partners want MC

Some (Most?) people have individual requirements - my W had to arrange dates for us on a weekly basis and must initiate sex sometimes. What do you want from your W?

And R is a joint endeavor - if one of you hides objections to the other's requirements, you sabotage R. And you have to see your WS as a human being of worth equal to your own to make R work. You don't have to see your WS as a human being equal to you to recover, but you sure can't R except with an equal.

In my mind, those were real requirements.

If my W hadn't agreed to meet them, I was gone. If she didn't meet them, I was gone. She was free to disagree with my requirements. She was free to flout them. And she knew the consequences.

For me, it was much of what Sisoon posted. I'm the beginning, I also added:

No sexual contact with another person (hard boundary, would result in D)

No female SM friends unless I approved

Cannot be in a room by himself with another female, with certain exceptions and named them

He didn't do the third one, which led to the first one which resulted in D.

If he'd done the work on himself to be a safe partner, I'd loosen up on the bottom two. But, it doesn't matter now.

Right after discovery, I did the full access to phone and emails -- and while some of that helped, I hated playing detective. Someone wants to be with you or they don't.

Her communication definitely revealed some of the boundary work she needed to do. She treated her male co-workers the same way as her female co-workers, but as our MC pointed out, guys often react differently when a woman asks after them or asks personal questions. In other words, my wife offered too much of her information and asked too much about other people.

So, I did ask her to let me know if she had a solo lunch with a male peer -- sometimes it was a boss, sometimes just a salesperson, but I needed to be in the loop in early recovery. It got to the point where I don't have to ask, any meeting my wife has with anyone, she lets me know in advance. She has earned enough trust now, that I have told her she doesn't need to let me know so much, but she says it is a part of her routine, which is nice.

I did mention that if she put in half the energy into us that she did into the A, we would do well.

It wasn't said in a mean or harsh way, I simply pointed out the amazing amount of work that needed to be done to set things up, to keep things secret, and keep each respective family (family friends!) in the dark. My wife's A was just before the cell phone era. Weird 1990's spy phone stuff, like letting a land line ring twice and then hang up. That timing stuff had to be perfect every time.

I told her any discoveries in IC were up to her to tell me, but she shared a lot, which helped me see the work she was doing (repairing esteem, finding her own value, ditching shame, etc.).

No real rules, just outlines and suggestions. I did need to ask her 5.7 billion questions, and she answered them all. It's probably been four years plus since I had any questions about the AP or the A.

I did mention words or new promises weren't helpful, but consistent actions would be.

Okay, thank you everyone. I’m going to use those suggestions when I give him my letter that I am writing to him.

I appreciate all the advice I get here!

I didn't have rules - I'm not his parent or warden.

I did have a philosophy - if you don't want me doing it, you shouldn't be doing it either.

Chaos, thank you. I’ve been thinking this as well…. He is a grown man and i shouldn’t have to tell him right from wrong. Thanks! I’m sorry but I chuckled at your signature line!

The AP was a coworker. I insisted my WW, or the AP, get a new job. My best demand ever, for multiple reasons.

Complete NC forever. No lies, ever again. Give me the same respect I give you. If you wouldn't want me doing it, or if you have to sneak around to do whatever, then it's a no brainer,don't do it (whatever IT may be). The consequences would be immediate divorce. Happily divorced!