SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all, I might not get some abbreviations correct but I just wanted to get some advice here because I'm not currently able to do Individual Counseling.

My husband was cheating (April 2024, we just had our daughter who was only 3 months old) by talking to multiple women, downloading Tinder, and trying to ask for sex. I have screenshots of these messages. We are trying to reconcile but I'm not sure if I delete everything so I don't look again, or if I keep it to remind myself or him how awful this was. My gut tells me that if I truly want to move on, I'd better get rid of it. He has apologized and been regretful and remorseful and has done many things to move us forward.

What did y'all do when you had physical (digital) evidence?

Thanks for the feedback.

Welcome to SI. I’m sorry you had to find this site, but it really is the best place to be while navigating through infidelity. Lots of great wisdom and knowledge here.

As for your question, I actually caught my H via VAR (voice activated recorder) … this was just over 16 months ago. I’ve listened to it multiple times in the days/weeks/months after Dday. I initially kept it around because I wanted to dissect every second of that recording … thinking I would find some additional evidence or maybe it would lead me in a different direction that I hadn’t discovered yet.

It probably has been about 9 months since I’ve listened to it. Honestly, I don’t ever plan on listening to it again, but I can’t seem to officially get rid of it. That VAR literally "saved" me and my sanity when my alarm bells were ringing without the slightest inclination as to why. I’ve contemplated several times now about smashing it into smithereens, but haven’t wound up the strength to "let it go" quite yet.

I think many people keep physical reminders as a way of pain-shopping, not wanting to forget how awful your partner was to you during that time or keeping it as evidence in case of divorce.

I don’t think there is any right or wrong way to go about it or a timeline that needs to be followed. You will know when you’re ready to let it go.

Compromise with yourself. Get all of it on a thumb drive or a cloud server and secure it. It’s too soon to know if your R will be successful, and you may need that information. But if having it around bugs you or tempts you to pain shop, get it out of sight. Do not delete. There may come a day down the road where it will be time to get rid of it. But if you have to ask… well then you are not there yet.

BearlyBreathing nailed it. You may need it if R fails and D proceedings occur.
Save it to a thumb drive or cloud. You can even give it to a trusted friend if you don't want to hold onto it.
If R works out, one day a few years from now you can destroy it.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you have to find us. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some pinned posts we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some unpinned post with bull's eye icons that are very helpful. Please be sure to read the ones that say recover before deciding to R (reconcile). Also, the Healing Library has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

In this forum, be sure to read Beyond Regret or Remorse. I suggest Thor WH (wayward husband) needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a blueprint he can use to help you. Another book we recommend is Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass.

Please watch his actions and don't listen to the words. Cheaters lie and he has a lot of work to do to become a safe partner.

Not going to put lipstick on it...if he's on Tinder talking to multiple women, it doesn't sound good. If he really wants your M (marriage), then he needs to move mountains to keep you.

Keep it. If WH tries to re-write history it will come in handy.

IMHO we tend to focus too much on evidence.
The only person that needs to be convinced of an affair is YOU. Unless infidelity impacts divorce in a legal way then there really isn’t any need to convince anyone else than you.

You are convinced of what he did, and the evidence you have confirms your suspicions. He seems to have acknowledged what he did and the scope of it. What future use do you have for the evidence?
So what if he tries to re-write history? If you were to delete the screenshots you have – and he then says "well – you can’t prove I cheated and therefore I didn’t..." – would that make you doubt yourself? Would you be saying "OK. Since I can’t PROVE it despite having seen the messages myself then you are right, I have to go on as if you didn’t do anything wrong".
Go to MC and he refuses he had an affair... that in itself would be enough for you to realize MC won’t work. It’s not as if it all of a sudden works because you can show the MC evidence that you are right, and he is wrong.

If this ends in divorce then that is not a competition. He can tell his family that he didn’t cheat, and you could tell them he did. You still end up divorced, and chances are his friends will stick to him, your friends to you, your family with you, his family with him, some couples completely drop out of your lives. There won’t be a moral-tally sort of scoreboard and you declared the moral winner of the divorce.

Having said all that. Then the idea by BB makes sense. But frankly if you ever need the evidence to remind HIM that he cheated, then you are fighting a lost cause.

I understand the desire to keep the evidence. I kept everything sort of as a way to touch base with reality vs gaslighting. However, it can easily turn into fodder for pain shopping.

I second the suggestion to download it onto a thumb drive and tuck it away somewhere that's not easily accessible. Somewhere where you'd have to take multiple steps to access it so that there's ample time to stop yourself if it's something you really shouldn't be doing. When you feel ready, get rid of it. For me, that was a big step that took many years.

Thank you all for the advice so far. Some days I feel ok, and other days I am reminded that R can (and should) take years. We will be able to do MC soon and he did start IC, but I think I need to start again too to help cope. Too much on my mind still. I just saved everything is a separate folder on my computer, I think having it on my phone would lead to more pain shopping. Going to read more of the recommended posts, just having one of those low days. Thank you allv

keep it cheaters deny it ever happened years later and it feels very ugly when they do.

minor thing with my WW a few months or so ago claimed OM1 was a different ethnicity.

felt like a denial of my pain and all that we lost as a couple.

I am sorry you are going through this. I struggled with the same thing.  DD was about 16 years. I still have the evidence. AP died 2 years ago. I still have the evidence. I keep it in a sealed envelope should I ever need it again. I doubt I will need it, but I have it. I have a note on it in case I die to shred it. I think my family would do that for me. I kept it should something ever happen again.

My DD was almost 20 years ago.

I still have the evidence. Haven't looked at it in probably 16-17 years.

I don't know why I kept it, but I did and currently don't have any intention of destroying it. It's hidden in the back of my closet somewhere.

I kept the evidence for months but finally had to get rid of it. It became a burden I was carrying around with me everywhere on my phone. It hurt too much to look at, and I had no plans to use it against my WS, so there was no point in keeping it. My WS and I reconciled successfully, and it was a release to finally delete all the photos and messages. I can still picture it all in my mind anyway, but it does not hurt nearly as much as it used to, 3 years later. I think everyone has to make his or her own decision on this issue.

I am not a fan of deleting evidence.

I am a fan of putting it in a safe place and not pain shopping there.

Mine resides on a flash drive in a box in the basement of old memorabilia AND in an email account I set up only to send myself/store information. I log in once every 6 months [so it doesn't be deemed inactive] but I don't open anything. Just log in long enough to delete the spam.

I feel "safe" for having it. But haven't "looked" at it is many years.