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Went to the doctor today and she asked me how I was feeling mentally. I told her I am a little down.

I feel like I should be happier with Christmas and all, but I’m just not. Doc said it’s common around the holidays.

Nothing is particularly wrong, and fWW is treating me well. We had a particularly great day 2 days ago. Then I woke up feeling scared the next day-like I could get burned again.

I know part of it is her last day with him was in December. She fucked him during the day, then came to the Sunday School Christmas Party that night and acted like nothing was amiss. Just as an aside, he gave her an expensive gold bracelet for Christmas-ironic in I don’t know where they thought she would wear it, even dumbass me would have noticed it.

I was so happy that Christmas-I thought I had it all, then it all came tumbling down a month later. I feel safe in the present, but I keep remembering how the ground dissolved under my feet without warning.

I’m not in horrible pain, just down.

What I really want for Christmas is to be able to give myself to my W 100%, and know that I am safe doing it. However, she has not done the work, and I doubt she ever will, so I can’t do this.

My life is not unpleasant, but I am not fulfilled as a man.

Hi Goingtomakeit….. Im sorry you are feeling down and I agree with you 100%.

"My life is not unpleasant, but I am not fulfilled as a man".

This (except replace man with married woman 😂). We have a good life, financially comfortable, good happy kids but that ‘specialness’ of being a married couple is gone now. I’m a year and a bit out from D-Day and I don’t really find any special occasions that good anymore - Easter, birthdays, Xmas etc!

I used to be a crazy Christmas fanatic, matching clothes, family photos etc but now none of that happens. We have family photos with just either me or him with the kids. Im not sure if anyone notices but I defs do it on purpose. I hope one day it won’t be like this but for now it just is what it is.

My therapists (long life, worked with a number of therapists) would all ask me what would make me feel fulfilled and then encourage me to arrange my life to get what I wanted. Just sayin'....

she has not done the work, and I doubt she ever will, so I can’t do this

May I ask why do you stay with her? You will NEVER feel safe, because you are NOT safe, as she hasn’t done the work. Are you at least looking at a big inheritance coming her way or *something* that keeps you in this M?

I am so sorry you are feeling down. I am 3 years out myself and feel similarly. No advice here, just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. What particuraly got to me in your post was the quote below

What I really want for Christmas is to be able to give myself to my W 100%, and know that I am safe doing it.

This is my biggest wish as well and I know it is not going to come true this year. But I have hope that someday, this is in the cards for me as well.

The only thing I can recommend is being totally honest with your wife about what you have posted here. Tell her how you feel and what is getting you down.

If she cares she'll help with it. If she doesn't, she won't and you may have to decide if you want to be with her to spend future Christmases.

I will say that you should include the part about her doing enough work to make her a safe partner, fix what was broken in her to make her cheat, and to actually rebuild your relationship.

That is an important part of the discussion.

Good luck and maybe do something nice for yourself during the holidays. Splurging isn't a solution but ok to do every now and then.

What I really want for Christmas is to be able to give myself to my W 100%, and know that I am safe doing it. However, she has not done the work, and I doubt she ever will, so I can’t do this.

I'm very sorry you are feeling down and have good reason for it. I believe this is what happens in a M when a WS doesn't do the work. Unfortunately you will not be able to give 100% due to the work not being done which is why you still unsafe. I'm sure there are many BS with a remorseful WS that cannot give the 100% post A either.

Gr8ful-yes, I am very comfortable financially. D would still leave me well off, but not as comfortable. The same goes for her.

I think this is bubbling to her doing the work, or we will come to an arrangement-be that open marriage, or separate lives, I don’t know.

I am scared of D. The decrease in lifestyle, the loss of sex( at least initially), and finding someone who would love me for me.

W does love me, and there is plenty of sex. From the surface, we look like a great couple. It’s just that missing piece.

I know a mantra here is you have to risk your M to save it, but it is still scary.