SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel very low.
41 years old.
2 small kids 9 and 11.
An alcoholic spouse that cheated and basically ignores me all day every day.

I’m trash. Worthless. Too scared to leave. I keep thinking "I’m not the kind of person who just gives up. I’m not the kind of person who thinks the grass is greener somewhere else."
I’m loyal. I put family first. I fight for my family.

But there is no love. There is no family. Maybe I’m just the kind of person who attracts horrible monsters. Something in me is broken and I will never know love. I will never have a happy family.

I thought I had it. I was so sure.
It’s all gone now.

Is there even such a thing as a man who will love you and put you first? Is that a myth?
What am I even fighting for? Too many Disney movies?

I AM BROKEN. Will never be the same. Just filled with sorrow.

Arctic girl, you are not trash. His cheating was all about him, and sadly had nothing to do with you. You could be perfect and he still would’ve cheated because it was all about his lack of character. This is hard because means none of this is in your control and you can’t fix it, but that’s the truth.

You are a wonderful mom and you were a good spouse. And you kind of empathetic. You are good you don’t need him. And you’re kind and empathetic. You are good and you don’t need him.- You are good just as you are.

We know how much pain you’re in right now. Thousands of us I walked the same ugly streets and we made it through to the other side. Please trust that you have the strength to take care of your children and to walk away from this man is hurting now. You did put family first and by taking care of your children you will still be putting family first. He’s the one who has walked away from the family.

And yes, there are good men out there. Just like there are good women. After you’ve divorced, and you’ve healed from this, you’ll find a good partner and you’ll see that life can be very different.

So hang in there and trust that you will get to the other side. Start taking very small steps to get your ducks in a row. You can do this. (((Hugs)))

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 11:39 PM, Sunday, November 24th]

Please please please 🙏 do not let a broken alcoholic cheating spouse define you.

It is unfortunate your spouse is an alcoholic. You se how the addiction rules their life. If you stand in their way of feeding the addiction, you are the bad guy.

I hope you see how warped an adduct’s thinking is. They blame everyone else for their issues INSTEAD OF getting help.

Go to Al Anon or seek some professional help. You need to look at reality and understand YOU are not the problem. You are not trash. You are not to blame for a spouse’s choices or cheating or addictions.

Oh Arcticgirl, I can feel your pain through your words. It’s so hard to feel and know your worth when you are treated so badly by someone you love and cherish and who is supposed to love and cherish you as well.

Everyone tells us it’s them (WS) not us (BS) but it’s so hard to believe when you first learn about the A, and especially if they have been emotionally abusive as well.

This is my second marriage and both husbands have had affairs. The first ex husband is actually now married to his AP. And was a step mum to my son (like that wasn’t a kick to the teeth). So our thought processes have been similiar - can I not pick a decent man? But I also sat with some friends one night and all four of us had been cheated on in a one or another, so I also understand the thought of ‘is there any decent men’.

I think this website is testimate to the fact there is. My dad is one, some of my best mate are them.

And I promise you this. It is our WS that have the problems. I know I’m not a perfect wife. But they were also not perfect husbands. The difference is we have something in us that they don’t. We know the difference from right and wrong, we have strong ethics and morals, we care more about others than we do ourselves. You are not worthless, you are a mother. You will find your strength again, but will need time and self care.

I am so sorry you are going though this but please reach out to us. We can and will be support you need 💚

I am so sorry to hear you are so low. I have been there….

I hope you have an excellent IC. "Not one to give up" and "Loyal put family first" are all things we wear as badges of honor and take on the role of the suffering martyr. I know because I did.

Life is YOUR journey- yes be loving, take care of your children- I lived with a very unhappy mother, it took its toll. BUT Find your own contentment! Take good care of yourself, know your worth, let go of anything in life keeping you from finding your own joy. Don’t focus on finding the fairy tale- get strong and be your own fairy tale! You dont need a man for that….

That being said, yes, LOVE is real, true caring and deep connection is available but you have to be a whole person first so my only advice is focus on YOU. Get strong, become the leader, dont consider your WS, you have one life— be careful what you tell yourself. Sending lots of warm thoughts your way

What you’re feeling, and the place you’ve found yourself in, are so, so painful. I’m so terribly sorry you’re experiencing this; it’s a process of grief and loss regardless of the outcome.

Even as a person who is happy with my choice to reconcile with my husband, my experience of betrayal changed me enough that I can’t offer easy assurances about true love and finding a good man.

But you know what I CAN tell you? You are a person of worth. There’s a lot of beauty and happiness in life that you can pursue and attain. You have two amazing children, and your love for them comes through your posts.

You do not have control over your husband. He’s an alcoholic who betrayed and continues to betray you. But one step at a time you can turn toward yourself and your kids and focus on your own healing and happiness and creating the best possible environment for and relationship with your kids.

On another thread you asked about small steps you can take. Here’s one: order Living and Loving after Betrayal, by Steven Stosny. It gives you a roadmap for healing regardless of whether you stay in your current relationship or leave it.

On a different note entirely; don’t assume divorce would take your kids away from you 50% of the time. Alcoholic cheaters are mired in toxic, self-focused behaviors that leave very little time for their kids. I can think of half a dozen women in my life who have gone through divorces with men who have problems as serious as your husband’s. In every case, for better or worse, those women have their kids almost all the time.

I am so sorry you are at this point in your life. You are still young, and your two children need you more than ever. There are good men out there who will appreciate a loving and loyal woman like you. Your husband needs help and he needs to recognize that. You and your children deserve better and it's time to think about getting out of that marriage. Personally, I have been to the bottom like you are now but in a different situation and I got out of that hole called despair. It's not easy but you can do it. You are a good woman, and a good mom married to a selfish and disrespectful man. It's Time!!

Everything you described is happening TO you.

None of it is because of you or who you are.

Being victimized doesn't diminish your value.

You are the brightest light in your children's lives, and their only hope.

You are the brightest light in your life, and you are your only hope.

How do you push through and figure out what steps to take? You decide to do so. Not because you feel like it, or because you are driven and supported, but because it's the right thing to do. It's right to you, and right to your children.

It's hard, because women generally define their identities around their relationships. Yours is to this toxic man, so you are defaulting to thinking you're on his level. You're not. He caused this harm, he is sinking. You need not sink with him. Every time you notice this pull downwards, decide to stay level. Decide to climb. Only you will ever be able to make this decision, and every time you decide to move upwards, that's where your energy will go.

I can't tell you how many times in my young life I was called "trash." The little half-breed adoptee growing up in one of the most racist towns in 1980s America. I got it every day. But I never stopped climbing. Ever. Because I knew they were wrong. Ever step I raised myself I knew was worth it. You will too.

Every brick laid in that wall is easy to do. It's just one brick. Every step upward is easy. It's just one step. Did you feed your children? It's a brick in the wall. Did you recognize the value in a successful mental exercise? That's one step up. Did you go for a 10 minute walk? That's one step up. Don't look at a completed building or the entire journey, Just do one thing that's in arm's reach.

Do it enough, and one day, you'll marvel at what you've built, and how far you've come.

Is there even such a thing as a man who will love you and put you first?

There are about a billion men of age to marry you on this planet. Assume only 1 in 10 are worthy, that leaves 100,000,000 out there worthy of you.

It’s just that your current husband isn’t one of them.

"There are good men out there who will appreciate a loving and loyal woman like you."

This ^^^

"Assume only 1 in 10 are worthy, that leaves 100,000,000 out there worthy of you."

Also this ^^^

And yes. There are good men and good relationships/marriages.

I think people who are good potential partners tend to have constellations of good habits and traits. Also called green flags.
They are out there and available. Like other posters have said..it’s a big world out there!!

I know what you're feeling right now, and how low someone can get after being betrayed.

For some reason, though, when you said this:

Maybe I’m just the kind of person who attracts horrible monsters

All I can picture is the cookie monster from seseme street raiding a kitchen.

I'm pretty sure that you know if you were someone who attracts horrible monsters, you'd probably not have two kiddos. Yes, your husband did you wrong. That doesn't mean everyone else wants to.

Will cuddling the kids on the couch with popcorn and movie refill some of your happiness?