SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I got a FB message from a woman I don't know saying she wasn't sure what my relationship status was with my partner, but that she thought I should know he's been sleeping with her for 4 years and one of his clients for a year. My instinct was to not accept her friend request, not respond, and go to my partner of 11 years.

He immediately admitted it was true and expressed remorse. He's on a work trip right now, so we haven't had a full sitdown to hash things out - but over the past two days I've gone back and forth on whether to engage with the AP. I'm currently undecided on how I'm going to proceed in my relationship. Not married, no kids.

This is the main question I have for folks who have gone through it... Should I talk to her? It sounds like she just found out about me (and AP #2) and is threatening to "go nuclear" on him and "ruin his life". I know he's (selfishly) trying to do damage control from all angles right now, and I know she is angry and hurt too... Would any good come from engaging?

Not married and no kids, and you found out your partner was fucking at least two other women for multiple years. How is this even a dillemma?

He doesn't respect you, and he has no boundaries. He'll take what is offered to him even if it isn't the right thing to do, and he knows that and is okay with it. He failed the partner test, he'll never be safe. Kick him out. You know this is the right response.

You should definitely talk to the other woman. She'll give you information that will help you make this decision.

So sorry for this horrific finding.

If your heart can handle it, I would recommend talking with this person. Get some information from her, particularly ask for hard evidence. Trickle truth is another horror that you could face coming up here from your husband and getting irrefutable proof of what happened from AP will give you a shield against it. But keep in mind that AP could also lie to you as well, which is why proof is so valuable. She didn’t know about you, so maybe she isn’t a dishonest person, but you don’t really know.

One other thing to keep in mind is that the information you could come across, like sexually explicit images or messages, can be traumatizing to you. If you get access to such content, you should be thoughtful in how much you want to know about that element. As they say, you can’t unring the bell. If you want to know, I say you have the right. But if you don’t want to know that is ok too.

Best wishes.

He admitted it?

Call her. Tell her she can have him.

Move out before he comes back.

I know you thought he was a good guy. But you were wrong. He’s trash. Does he like you? Probably. Does he love you? Not a chance.

Scuba.

I am so sorry for you. In response to the question you asked I am on the fence about talking to the OW.

FWIW I called the OW on my own to learn that while I thought we were Reconciling he was still cheating. Swore up and down he had ended it, but it was only for a short time. And then the affair resumed.

So while the OW was good about answering a few questions, for me it became an exercise in self control b/c she did tell me that my H admitted to her about a previous affair that I did suspect but he denied. I know she was telling me the truth because she identified that first OW. Long story short I wanted to smack my H for the 15 year lie he told me.

If the case is that this current OW did not know he was married, you might get useful info from her (hardcore evidence like emails or texts). She may be truly apologetic and sorry. But I would suggest limiting the number of times you speak. She may be a victim the same way you are, but it would be hard to have sympathy for her given your current pain.

I don’t know what will happen with your relationship going forward. You may be able to Reconcile if you wish but just know it’s a long tough process. And it takes two committed people who are invested in the 2-3 year healing process. It does not happen overnight as I’m sure you know.

Continue to post here. We will support you.

Welcome to SI, Scuba. Sorry you've joined our club. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage newbies to read, as well as some posts that have bull's eye icons. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, too.

If you're having trouble with depression or sleeping, please see your doctor for some meds. Also, please be sure to get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer and kill you.

Sorry, I have to run to work. Please continue to post and ask questions.

Wow, this community is already worth joining! Thank you for the insight and the candor.

@Icedover - I'm an '84 too... The idea of just ending things at 40 after we've been together half my adult life is daunting even as a DINK. My first reaction was a need to understand every detail because... The next, day two, was a whole lot of anger. I know myself well enough to know I need to process and get all the info I want before making a call, but that there is a very good chance this is done.

@Inkhulk - I think you're right. My plan for now, since he's told me he will tell/show me anything I want to see, is to see exactly how that goes first and then how it compares with her side. I've already gone back and forth a dozen times on how much I really want to know and how much it even matters. If I stay it will ONLY be if I genuinely believe he's ready to work on himself. If not, I'm out immediately. I've been way too supportive and understanding for a long time, and ultimately have just enabled self-centered behavior. We got together when he was dating someone else. I was working through a family trauma and just didn't care at the time, so I always knew this could happen and that he was capable of it. I played the pick me dance and "won", and the chickens have come home to roost.

@Formerpeopleperson - love the name. I own the house, so it would be booting him out. And that might very well happen on Saturday. It's scary, but I'm wrapping my head around it.

@1stWife - It feels like most here decide that R isn't the way to go for themselves. There's more context in the response to IceHulk... But we got together initially as two pretty damaged people. They weren't married, but I was essentially the AP and because I was reeling from the death of my last immediate family member my attitude was "You can't lose something you never had" and it worked for me at the time. I have healed a lot in the time since, and outside of THIS we have a happy and wonderful life together. I also knew this had a high probability of happening when I chose to enter the relationship. Now that I'm healthier/stronger/wiser, I know I deserve a partner without commitment/fidelity issues. I do believe he hates this part of himself, the question for me is does he actually want to do the work to fix it. Either way this goes, I will definitely be leaning on this community as a resource.

I don't want to talk to my friends about it yet, and I don't have family - so it's nice to have somewhere to get insight from folks who get it.

Boot him out.

Change your locks. Move his stuff to a storage unit, tomorrow. Leave the key in an envelope. Don't be there.

He can go stay with number 2, or number 3.

You probably want to talk to him. Don’t do it. You’ll be told nothing but lies. The sooner you end this the better. End it, and there will be a short period of misery. Don’t end it, and much, much more misery.

I know it’s hard. It’s so hard I couldn’t do it. But I should have. I should have.

P.S. Saw a t-shirt that said: I used to be a people person, but then people ruined it.

[This message edited by Formerpeopleperson at 9:24 PM, Thursday, November 21st]

My plan for now, since he's told me he will tell/show me anything I want to see, is to see exactly how that goes first and then how it compares with her side.

People caught in affairs are famously deceptive, including lies both of omission and commission. Only you can decide how much tolerance you will have for this. If you read here you will find that few report their newly unveiled wayward to be immediately honest. That isn’t to say that you should accept more lies, more to warn you.

I've already gone back and forth a dozen times on how much I really want to know and how much it even matters.

A typical response is to be borderline obsessive about collecting information on an affair. (or maybe not borderline at all ) You will have to monitor your own wants and needs as time goes on.

Getting full disclosure can help calm a betrayed person’s fears and anxieties. And if (IF) reconciliation is going to be attempted, it is a big piece of beginning to rebuild trust. Either way you might go, R or ending the relationship, betrayal trauma is a huge shock to the system and you have a long road of emotional healing ahead of you. It’s as unfair as a victim of a drunk driver needing to go thru years of physical therapy. Sadly, it’s not your fault, but no one else can do it for you.

My advice, in short, is that information is like gold. Get as much as you can before confronting or asking your partner for that information.

Like an attorney in a tv show, if you only ask questions that you already know the answers to, you will figure out your partner very quickly. Ending a long-term relationship can be daunting, but don’t exclude that from being an actual viable possibility.

11 years may be a long time, but you've just learned how deceitful your partner can be, you've probably found out that you never really knew this person.

This is somebody you cannot trust when the chips are down, you have no children with this person, I would get as far away from them as I could. I wouldn't even investigate any further since he admitted it, I would just cut him off and have no further contact because you are never going to know what is real and what is not with this person.

Find someone who values you as much as you value them. It's hard to find that, but it's worth finding it.

More information is better than less but just be aware you are dealing with someone with their own motives. She may or may not be truthful to you. It's clear she's unhappy with your BF after finding out she's been sharing him with you and another. You won't know if she's being honest to be honest or just trying to burn his life to the ground. Nothing wrong with hearing what she says, just don't take it as fact.

He admitted it?
4 years?
Not married?
No kids?
You own the house?

Contact an attorney (just to see what is legally involved of getting rid of him - and what you can/can't do by booting him - think how soon before you can change locks or do you you have to legally evict), get STD testing, pack his shit and have it waiting for him.

I would not engage with AP - she has a motive/angle for letting you know and it isn't a crisis of conscious.
He's doing panic damage control. They deserve each other.

Tell him not to delete anything! You want to see it all. And if you find out he deleted things that will make any chance for rebuilding exponentially more difficult and he should work his hardest to retrieve it.

Also he should have absolutely no contact with her. Starting now. Block her on everything. No responses. If u want to communicate with her for a while and see what info she can provide, then fine.

I wish you well on this difficult journey.