SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

I wonder if anyone could help me write a message the the woman my husband had an affair with? I want to send her a message telling her what I think of her and her behaviours but I want to keep it tactful and direct.

She had a 16 month affair with my husband. She knew we were married and I had a 1 year old daughter when it started. After it all came out I spoke to her on the phone and she gave me a lot of details about the affair even sent me pictures. At the time when I found out I was 20 weeks pregnant with our second child. She knew I was pregnant and then continued to sleep with him even though she knew I was pregnant and I had just found out about the affair. She begged for him to leave me and even said that she would take on my new born baby when he arrived (how very kind of her haha).

I just want to send her a mesaage to let her know how much of a low life excuse of a woman she is ☺️ I want to be direct but not trashy if that makes sense? Any suggestions welcome xx

I have thought many times about sending a letter to my wife's AP. I have been told by her at one time or another that he was a good man. Good men don't pursue married women!As much I liked to give him both barrels about how much he messed up my life, I left that letter in my journal. Don't give them the power or satisfaction of any more of your time. What goes around comes around and they will have to answer for this some day.I am so sorry your going through this. My prayers go out to all that suffer this heartbreak.

Honestly, I would just write it for yourself and burn it. The OW do not care what you think. If anything she will probably just laugh at your pain (it's been my own experience). The fact that you want to let her know what you think of her shows that you think of her and they get a kick out of that. She will blame you and the M for your WS stepping out and having a relationship with her.

You don't want to put anything in writing that her lawyer could use against you. You're better off writing it and burning it.

I generally believe anger at the AP (if they don't owe you loyalty as a friend) is misdirected anger at the WS.

You husband knew you were pregnant, and cheated on you anyway. He knew he wasn't going to leave you, but slept with her anyway.

Everything you feel about her applies to your husband.

I would also suggest writing the letter but not sending it.

We can be angry at our WW spouses and still be angry at their AP.

I was appropriately angry with my H and held him responsible. I also felt anger towards the OW for her part.

Sleeping with a married man/woman is a shitty thing to do. It's ok to have anger about that in addition to being angry with your spouse.

You can be angry at anything. You can be angry at a blackberry bush for being thorny and growing on your property and overrunning your garden, but the blackberry doesn't give a shit what you think. And if your spouse planted the blackberries there on purpose, knowing you have a garden, but they just like blackberries. Well, you can be angry at both, but only one of the two things owed you any consideration, and it wasn't the blackberries.

I understand that APs are people, and that people ought to follow the rules of society, but we know that many people are assholes, and you can't just go around being angry that assholes exist, or you will never be happy.

There is so little upside and so much downside to sending the AP a letter. I fully understand your feelings. I have similar ones for wife’s special friend. I sometimes dictate a letter to him, minus the recording device. An unkind observer might think a crazy guy is having a conversation with an invisible man. So I do it in my car or when mowing the lawn. I also have a little tete-a-tete with him just before I smack the living hell out of the heavy bag at the gym.

I had a really good Base Commander when I was in the Air Force who used to say, "Never get in a mud fight with a pig. The only thing that will happen is that you’ll both get dirty…but the pig will like it." Write the letter. Don’t send it.

Write the letter , get all the hurtful things you want to say and write them down and then burn it.

I have thought about doing something similar or reach out on Facebook so often but I know I will feel 10x worse by doing this.

Don’t give her that power she will feel so smug that you reached out to her because people who would do something so damaging really don’t care about anyone but themselves.

It feels like she’s important because her actions contributed to your pain but only your husband owed you anything.

The OW is irrelevant don’t let her become anything else.

Hmmm... so, one one hand, I agree with the others that sending a letter to her won't really do much of anything. There's a lot of ways it can go wrong. If you write it and don't send it, you don't have to be tactful and direct.

On the other hand, if you are planning to write and send this letter anyways, regardless of that advice, I'm down to help.

Of course, if I'm helping then I have to wonder... why bother with being tactful? In fact... why bother aiming this letter at her, and not... idk, sending a letter to her mom?

"Dear Ms. X, I don't know if you are aware what your daughter has been doing, but..."

I could see a reason for being tactful in that instance.

As an aside (and this is gonna sound dumb), one of the most cathartic things I did during year one was to write the ap name on the toilet paper I used to wipe my rear with.

I suggest trying that at least once. Hopefully, though, with a pen that won't smear.

[This message edited by Notthevictem at 8:32 PM, Tuesday, November 19th]

Okay, okay thanks everyone. You have successfully brought me back down to earth and I agree I probably shouldn’t send anything to her and give her the satisfaction. Just the urge to tell her how vulgar she is and that she has no self respect is overwhelming sometimes.

It’s crazy I just really struggle to understand how people can be so heartless and no morals whatsoever.

But writing it all down and burning it sounds like a good idea, which I think I will do. And also then I don’t have to be tactful at all and I can now be the vulgar one and call her every name under the sun ☺️

Notthevictem - this honestly made me laugh so much and I’m glad you said about the toilet roll, I will definitely do this. I’ve had a very bad couple of days and spent most of today crying to myself on the kitchen floor. So thank you for making me laugh and cheering me up!

I am completely on board with writing the letter and not sending it. However, I'm not on board with burning it. I like to read things like this over again later, and maybe add to it as time goes by. I think that people think that burning it gets it out of your system but let's face it, this is never going to be out of our system!

Google on "custom printed toilet paper". Yes, it’s a thing.

I'm so sorry about what you are going through. I could have talked or written to the OW about what I thought of her and her behaviours. I never did. Maybe I could have influenced her. I don't know.

I suggest that you write a letter to us here instead. I care about your feelings. They are valid. People here are sympathetic and do care about you and your feelings. That's why they are here.

I'm glad you changed your mind on sending it to her. I know how an ap takes up rent in a BS's head, but the ap doesn't need to know that. That makes them feel relevant and they don't deserve that.

If I may offer an alternative to burning it tho...

When I was cleaning out my spare room after my xwh and I separated, I found an old suit of his (that I had bought for him). I started to walk it towards the trash, but got an inspired idea. I instead took it out to the yard, put it on a dog turd, and river danced on it while cackling and screaming curse words. It felt AMAZING.

Probably scared the crap out of my neighbors but sure made me feel better

EllieKMas

I think anger at the AP is sometimes misdirected, but not always. It’s ok and appropriate to be angry at someone who treats other people poorly. Knowingly sleeping with a married man whose wife is pregnant is terrible behavior.

I would not send the letter though. I made the mistake of contacting my husband’s AP after DDAY. She was someone I knew, and I foolishly thought confronting her directly about her behavior and the damage she was complicit in would cause her to feel remorse. It did not, at least not in any meaningful way. I was even keeled/not trashy in terms of tone and delivery, and I’m glad for that, but it made me vulnerable to her, and I regret that. It wasn’t a disaster or anything, but in hindsight I should have just frozen her out.

This quote is generally attributed to Max Reger, the composer and pianist, after a bad review in some newspaper:

"I am in the smallest room of the house. I have your review in front of me. Soon it will be behind me."

Basically I would suggest comparable use for the letter...

This quote is generally attributed to Max Reger, the composer and pianist, after a bad review in some newspaper:

"I am in the smallest room of the house. I have your review in front of me. Soon it will be behind me."

Basically I would suggest comparable use for the letter...

I won’t repeat the advice of everyone ahead of me, but wanted to say, write that letter, keep that letter and add and subtract from it. It will help measure your growth and healing.

Your H chased rats in dump, he sought out a broken discarded person. She is not worth the head space, but at the same time you still have to process and evict her. Don’t include her in that process.

Your H was the gatekeeper to your M, your home and your overall safety. He let her in, he violated you and your M.

Leave the trash where it belongs.