SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,
It has been a little while since I posted. I do try and post on other people but anyway things have been a lot better. I have settled down and less emotionally dysregulated and this has led to less arguments and the kids are much happier.

My difficulty now is, letting the A go. we are about 15 months out since first dday but I think he probably don’t fully end it for another two months after dday and was still in contact with her. I also didn’t handle it well at all and made a fool out of myself anyway that is another story.

I think my husband just wants us to move on without anymore mention of the A ever again, I just can’t so I occasionally bring it up. Sometimes in a factual way sometimes in a snidy way. This leads to him accusing me of being mean of treating him badly. If I give an example. He took sometime off work which he told me about but must have forgotten. I was then saying a few weeks later, it was great he took sometime off annd we must plan something nice and he accused me of going through his emails as how else would I knew he had taken those days off. I hadn’t actually but I said to him since he still works with the Ap although doesn’t see her, ‘ does he expect me to fully trust him’ and for this I get ‘you at
Are so mean’ how dare you say that. Today he caught me looking at this site and I got ‘you are so mean, why are you looking at this’ with me here. To which’I said and I shouldn’t have it was open from last night but I need the support you don’t know what this is like’, to which he got annoyed and gave me the silent treatment as he thinks I betrayed him by telling people things and other stuff. Anyway I said when the kids were presngt that I know for a long time he has text a certain person at work (and that is how I phrased it). he has until recently been very protective of his phone. I don’t think he was seeing her but I imagine they communicated by text (I suspect for work purposes but I have a feeling something happened there and they no longer communicate that way. I don’t think he has seen her because he rarely leaves the house and hasn’t for a while. And I have had to put up with this so why can’t he just put up with me looking at this site. I hope he doesn’t know I post here so I may edit this.

If I give another example, we were talking about the children and I mentioned that a couple always go to things together and he said to me that is the problem with us we don’t present a united front and I said well ‘what do you expect? That is the kind of snidy way I say things which then puts him in a bad mood.

Anyway he this he told me I put him in a bad mood. He barely spoke to me for the day because and I understand this the kids were there and then he made a lot of snidy comments himself through out the day.

I guess, when we are good things are very good. Yeah I am still not very affectionate which he hates but we don’t fight and we work well as a team. However, I guess my question is should I never mention the A again? Is it too much like rubbing salt in old wounds and my way of just punishing him. Tbf to him, very occasionally he will say I have made a mess of my life and I am sorry for what happened to youbut it is rare. Things have changed for the better, he is being great with the children and more helpful and thoughtful to me. He doesn’t monitor my phone anymore and doesn’t care who I meet up with (which was a bit of an issue before as he thought I didn’t want to spend anymore time with him. I think as he sees I am more likely to stay with him he has let go of the reins. But It is like I can’t fully let go or trust him yet so I hold back and then occasionally say snidy and mean things to remind him of why. Any advice greatly appreciated or even I just want to vent. I don’t talk to anyone about this anymore S I think people just think I should be over it now.

I think my husband just wants us to move on without anymore mention of the A ever again, I just can’t so I occasionally bring it up.

Of course he does, and of course (to us) you can’t.

He will need to understand that this is defining moment of your marriage, if not *your life*. Like Herpes, it is forever. It will always be there. If he can’t deal with that, you both are wasting your time trying.

If you have been trying R for a while, let him know the Wayward forum is always open for him to try out.

He is rug sweeping.

Thank you, he will not come on sites like this or read anything to do with this. I tried at the beginning but he refused. I notice that he also hates seeing infidelity on tv when I am there. I think he always prided himself on being so moral and would have judged others for it.

If he is rug sweeping should I just go along with that for an easier life and for my kids sake who are older now and listening to everything? My son in particular seems to adore his father and cannot stand anything bad being said. He will rush into defend him. I think he knows that he left temporarily and maybe afraid he will do it again (I don’t know could be reading too much into that). What is so bad about that?

He is still drinking excessively (a bottle of wine a night sometimes two a night at the weekend but is getting medication soon to stop this (which is him admitting he has a problem and has finally gone on antidepressants after going into a depressive episode which is a first for him, no therapy though. He just doesn’t believe it will help after a negative experience.

Fifteen months is nothing.

I have to agree , 15 months is nothing in the life of infidelity. We are officially a year out today and the A has been a part of our every day conversation, mostly by me but some days by him. There hasn’t been a day one of us doesn’t bring it up , these days it isn’t anger it’s more just processing and feelings.

True remorse, I feel won’t allow you to rugsweep, in order to feel true remorse and make the necessary change he needs to make he has to be able to talk about it, process it , get to the root of his issue and then take the steps. He should be there for you and not asking you to not bring it up , that is rug sweeping and if you read enough on here you’ll see it never works.

You ask if you should stay with him to make your children’s lives easier , no one can answer that for you, we can only tell you that chances are he will do this again (if he’s even stopped).

What I do know is you deserve better , you deserve to heal with or without him and clearly he doesn’t care about your healing.
I remember what it felt like in the early months after my H affair came out and I couldn’t IMAGINE dealing with that for 15 months , my mental health suffered tremendously and still has taken a huge hit that has required individual counseling.

Today is our dday, originally I didn’t want to be around my H , I had this day planned for a long time. I decided that instead as a family we would go to church (we usually take turns) but I wanted us together , my H has done enough work that I felt like we should have a united front today. He agreed and it shows me that he wants to stay on this journey and he wants to stay following the morals and values he has found (sorry not trying to be preachy) but my point is people that are remorseful face themselves and strive to be better no matter how uncomfortable. He reminds me he needs to schedule is IC appts, he books our MC appts, and he doesn’t ever make me feel bad for bringing up his A , even when I’m shitty about it which this past week due to d day I have been.

It is not your job to change your H , it also isn’t your job to make what he did to you more comfortable to talk about, he has to WANT to change for himself and his family and if he doesn’t then in my opinion he doesn’t deserve you at all.

If he is rug sweeping should I just go along with that for an easier life and for my kids sake who are older now and listening to everything?

Not unless you want your spirit to die a slow painful death. Don’t believe me? Spend a few hours reading here, looking for stories titled something like "Back after 12 years".

Your situation sounds incredibly precarious to me. He sounds controlling, and you sound like a strong people pleaser. He drinks excessively. He is not empathetic to the trauma he has caused you. It sounds to me like you are no where close to being able to let go of the outcome. Can you honestly say that you are prepared to leave him but actively choose to stay? I don’t hear that in what you write.

I know this sounds harsh. I mean it for your good. I came to fear what I see as a fate worse than death post infidelity, staying with an unremorseful betrayer out of fear. To do that you have to take all these white hot emotions and try to deny them or stuff them down, and the human spirit cannot thrive in the presence of such poison. Don’t sentence yourself to that hell. Don’t normalize that to your kids. You are valuable, of equal worth to any human that has ever walked this planet, and of infinitely greater value than the broken marriage you find yourself in.

What advice have you received in your prior threads that you’ve tried to put into practice? What worked or didn’t work for you?

The only thing that has gotten better, it seems, is that you’ve stopped advocating for yourself, and so that’s led to fewer fights.

Your kids have also learned capitulating to an abuser as a survival method, which is why your son shows so much favoritism toward his father. Your kids know who has the power in your marriage and who doesn’t. They know that they can’t rely on anyone to defend them from his temper, and so they placate him. That’s what passes for happiness and harmony in your home.

The problem is… you want your husband to care that you’re unhappy. And there’s no way to make him do that.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:26 PM, Sunday, October 6th]

If you need to talk about the affair then do so. If he is truly dedicated to repairing the relationship he would do anything at any time regardless of how uncomfortable it makes him

Sounds to me like he isn't that committed. Of course he wants to put the A behind you, that's easier for him. Well, screw that BS. He CHOSE to have an affair and now he gets to live with the CONSEQUENCES.

Have you considered divorce? If so, tell him. Go talk with an attorney. Figure out where you stand should you decide to divorce.

He is trying to control the situation because he screwed up. It's all about the control. You taking that away from him balances the relationship

Set the boundaries that you need to feel safe. If he cannot or will not abide by them then IMO he is not sorry nor is he committed to the relationship

How much do you like your life? It sounds pretty awful to me. You're stifing yourself at 15 months. DO you think your life will get better with more self-stifling?

You can't R(econcile) and rugsweep at the same time. Rugsweeping makes R(econciliation) impossible.

If your finances allow you to split, what's keeping you from splitting? If finances don't support splitting, can you get your ducks in a row so you can afford to split?

Rugsweeping just lets the wound fester rather than heal. You have to deal with it.

You do not need to sacrifice your happiness to a man that sacrificed your marriage for his own carnal pleasure.

There is an appeal to rugsweeping it though. Just pretend it didn't happen. Take a mental time machine to before the A. But that is just more lying and deception. It also becomes tacit acceptance of the behavior. The A has no consequence. So what is going to stop him next time?

His mental process hasn't changed, so he isn't a safe partner.

I appreciate the replies. So I do enjoy my life, I have good friends and a job and my children. I am a people pleaser but I do fight back if I feel angry or annoyed and I do on oaccasion lose my temper badly with him.
I have had conversations with him where I ask him to have some humility and take responsibility for what has happened. I think unfortunately he sees himself as a victim of it all. People knowing and the damage to his reputation as well as him having to change offices (which hasn’t gone well, the new team weren’t accepting). He sees all this as punishment and it doesn’t see the impact (well sometimes he does, it has had on me). He has said he is never going to see my family again and they are so annoyed I feel it is mutual at this point so I fly home with the kids.

the changes are definitely around the kids and he is 100 times more helpful and active in their lives. He denies this but he was not very involved before. He is more thoughtful to me on that he will organise a date night or cook nice meals or think of nice things for us to do which I am rubbish at.

He now wants another baby and I keep having to remind him that he ran off with another woman when are 3rd youngest child was 6 months old. So I am not so keen on that one lol.

IMO having another child with him would be a disaster for you. He suggested the baby as a means to distract you from the affair. Any WS that views himself or herself as the victim has not accepted the reality that he/she is 100% at fault.

He's an abuser.

He's been physically, emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive to you AND THE KIDS.

Everything is your fault. He gaslights you. He tells you he told you thinks and you've just forgotten. It's a pattern.

Everything is ok,as long as you walk on eggshells and take 100% responsibility for his actions.

You are with a man who you have said won't hit the kids again,because he's scared of going back to jail. Any man who only refrains from physically hurting a child solely because of the consequences is not safe. He will never be safe.

Hold on!!!

He wants a baby for what reason?

He doesn’t want to talk about his cheating for what reason? His pain? His Shame?

He expects you to sweep this under the rug? Wow he really hasn’t a clue!

He is NOT a victim. He is not suffering - he’s just unhappy he’s lost control and cannot get his own way.

I think you need to get some counseling for yourself so you can feel supported. You have the right to discuss the trauma and betrayal you suffered as often as you want.

My experience is if you rug sweep the affair, it makes it that much easier for them to cheat the next time. Because there are no consequences.

I hope this helps you.

The only thing worse you could possibly do other than stay with him is have another child with him.

Thanks for the replies, I am not planning anymore children. He is as I said really good with the kids now, plays with them, very involved with their care has apologised for past behaviour and is trying hard. The hitting was around the time of the affair and he had become completely disconnected from them and had gone off into his new life also the drinking had really escalated as he was leading his double life which was stressful. It wasn’t acceptable but at least I know consistently for some time there has been good changes.

I guess my husband thinks he has been punished, he feels there has been loads of consequences for his affair hence him playing the victim.

The tension with your family is somewhat interesting to me. When you reconcile rather than rugsweep, you are forced to deal with the issues and to specifically feel safe. You can say what specific changes he has made, that he has done what is possible to make amends (though there is no making it go away), and if you feel good about him and your M, you can easily go to bat for him to your family.

"He didn't hurt you, he hurt me and I've forgiven him. So I'd like to have him in my life. You don't need to be offended on my behalf. We are good."

But if you haven't really healed, or you don't feel you could go to bat for his change of character, it speaks volumes to what is real and what is just you white knuckling it while he takes half measures and gives you crumbs.

Honestly it doesn't sound like much of R or a M. Working great as a team would mean he is empathetic to you bringing up the A. As others have said 15 months is not a long time and I was still bringing up the A at this point. The silent treatment he gives you is to punish you and is emotionally abusive.

Why not detach from him and focus on yourself and your healing? You can do this with or without him. Since you are not willing to leave the M I would at the very least protect yourself.

Focus on you and the kids. Build a support system of friends that make you happy as you don't really need your WS to be happy.

Start building independence for yourself. When your kids are older you can revisit whether you would like to stay married to him or not.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:54 PM, Monday, October 7th]

If you need to talk about the affair then do so. If he is truly dedicated to repairing the relationship he would do anything at any time regardless of how uncomfortable it makes him

Sounds to me like he isn't that committed. Of course he wants to put the A behind you, that's easier for him. Well, screw that BS. He CHOSE to have an affair and now he gets to live with the CONSEQUENCES.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation which doesn’t seem to me a true R. I agree he is rugsweeping but what worries me is the idea of having another child with him. It seems to you it means he is committed. Nope. In my opinion a new baby makes YOU more committed to the family and BUSIER, so he can find time to himself again or pretend he needs to earn more money so he has an excuse to stay longer hours in the office maybe work with the colleague he had/has an affair with.

I really didn’t like you haven’t a clear idea of when the affair ended, if it ever did.

He shows no remorse, no empathy, I am not of the idea he is doing a good job with you. And it seems you are not doing a good job either because you feel you have to walk on eggshells all the time, because the "poor darling" gets offended.

Also it is not by bursting out in anger to him that you show you don’t put up with what he says, it seems you tolerate things until your breaking point when you should be able to speak clearly and be listened to well before you lose your temper.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 9:03 PM, Monday, October 7th]