DD2 is closing up on us, we are in the middle of affair season. I have been feeling like I am in the POLF for some time now. More than 6 months and it only seems to be getting worse.
I always used to be able to tune into my good feelings towards WH and our relationship as soon as we were in a good place, before DD, but also after DD. Obviously the first 12-18 months after DD those feelings were never only positive, they were severely tainted by excruciating emotional pain, sadness, anger, PTSD symptoms. But I still felt the love that has always been our base, our anchor, I felt that I still wanted us, wanted to fight for us. This was also why I decided to give WH a second chance after DD, because I still felt that deep love for him and hope for a future if certain things would happen.
These days, it sometimes feels like it may have been too little too late? I see changes in him, it's just they came after more struggle and at a higher cost than I could stand. And now I find myself feeling more and more numb. I no longer go into that deep turmoil, but I also no longer feel any really good feelings in pur relationship. Even when we are in a really good place, it's like I'm just numb. I can't really access that feeling of love or belonging or happiness anymore? I am still holding out hope that this is the dreaded POLF and that it may pass with time. At the moment thought, it's a bit unnerving.
I was always so, so head over heels for my WH. For more than 20 years I never fell out of love with him and not even after DD, although I sure wished I could have stopped loving him then so I could just have left and put an end to the pain as soon as possible. Cut my losses. Now that we are moving forward, he's trying, he's changing (not perfect but still steady change in the right direction over time), I can feel no joy over that change. I for the first time have no idea if I even love him anymore or not. HB the first year has turned into something quite mechanical and emotionless for me, I never feel close or really connected to him and recently I had a health scare and didn't even share it with him. This was something that surprised even me. I found a lump that needed to be checked and I kept it from him for weeks, until I'd had all my exams and scans. I just didn't feel our relationship was a safe place to share my worries and I didn't feel close to him emotionally in way that I felt natural sharing it with him like I have for our whole lives together. He was hurt that I hadn't confided in him, I understand him, I would have been hurt and angry had the tables been turned. But I just couldn't talk to him? I feel such a huge disconnect.
How the hell do you know if it's time to call it quits or if it's part of the process that'll pass?
