SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t posted in a long time. DD was 5 years ago and now it feels like just yesterday. I received a friend request from my WH’s AP. As soon as I saw it my fight or flight response kicked in. I started shaking and having a mini panic attack.

I am not sure if she did this in error by trying to stalk my page or what her purpose is. I accepted the request. I also messaged her asking why she sent said request. My FB account is set up if I am not friends with them they cannot send a message. So if she did mean to message me I want to know why. I’m freaking out.
I don’t know how to proceed. Do I show my WH? Keep it on the down low to see what she says? Any insight would be appreciated.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think most BSes would feel just as you do; for sure a mini panic attack and shaking and all the rest. It makes perfect sense. I am not a big advice person so I can only say that you should do what feels right to you after you have reflected. I would feel tempted to keep my husband out of it until I knew what was going on. Then again I do not like to stoop to the level of deceiving just because I have been deceived. I would struggle with knowing what to do in the situation you are in.

Would you ever imagine your husband would make contact with the AP if you were to tell him? I would do exactly what you did as far as accepting the request and asking what the meaning behind it was.

Good luck. I hope you have a trusted friend or counselor that you can have a genuine discussion with.

Update- AP viewed my message and like a coward didn’t respond.

I also confronted my husband and asked him if there was anything he’d like to tell me. That I wanted to hear whatever she was going to say from his mouth first. I told him that AP friend requested me. I asked him if there was any reason she would be doing so 5 years later. He swore up and down on everything his mom, our girls the Bible that he has been no contact with her or any other girl for that matter. That he knows he almost fumbled everything. I’m the love of his life etc etc. Him saying that did not help at all because do I believe I am the love of his life? Those words always have a caveat at the end of them in my mind. I’m the love of your life, the best thing that has ever happened to you, yet you cheated. Anyway, I digress.

Then he went on to say how sorry he was, asked if I wanted to rehash everything and I said no. He went on to say that I need to see what this is as a Satanic attack. That everything was going well, we were moving past everything and here he comes along. I told him to stop saying that. I said the only thing I want from you in this moment is for you to hear what I’m saying and how difficult this is for me right now. I told him it feels like a gut punch and that I am all the way back to DD.

I kept questioning why she would do that? He offered to show me his phone then he said I had two options, the first to block her or the second that I reach out to her and ask her why she friend requested me. He also said it could be her spouse logging into her computer and stalking me.

I’ve never confronted her in the past, directed all of my rage towards my H, now I’m feeling extreme anger towards her. She can’t even acknowledge that she was stalking my page? I want to call her out so badly.

I understand your position. My wife's AP sent me a LinkedIn request about 3-4 years after. I emailed him and asked WTF? He gave some lame excuse that his account sent requests to everyone in his contact list, not that there was any reason I should ever be in his contact list. I just assumed he looked at my LinkedIn page and accidentally hit a wrong button. Like with everything else, he was too chickenshit to own up to what he had actually done.

Wow. WOW.

I think if I was in your shoes, I'd let things sit for a day or two and see what happens. Maybe she just wanted to creep on your photos, etc, before she unfriends and blocks you. Or maybe she's going to say something. Hopefully, she's going to issue an apology.

White- Thank you for sharing your experience.

Still- thank you for your support.

Sacred- Idk what I would do with that apology.

What is becoming absolutely clear to me is that she is still an unrepentant coward. What entitlement she must have to not even acknowledge me or own up to her stalking. I shouldn’t be surprised. I hope she takes a good long hard look at my daughters and feels like absolute shit for almost tearing their world apart.

Anger is coming out in full force towards hubby as well for even putting me in this position years later.

I think realizing they lack remorse causes a lot of rage. Possibly pitying them is healthier.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 6:04 PM, Monday, August 26th]

If she is married send a screenshot to her husband. Block her asap. She was snooping, fishing for whatever cruel thrill she could muster. Ignore, block, and if she is married, send the screenshot to her husband with an explanation.
Good luck.

On second thought, crazycatlady is right. There's nothing good that can come from this, and if she friended you so that she could apologize or even tell you something, she'd have done it already. She's just creeping on you. Block block block.

I just want to say that I agree with cat. Send a screenshot to the other BS.

I’m also bothered that at no point did your WS call this what it was. He blamed Satan and the other BS? Seriously? Is he still somehow defending his AP? Why wouldn’t he just say she is crazy. That he’s sorry to bring her in your life.

Taken- I think H was trying to talk me through moving forward. Which is why I stopped him and said not today. Not in this moment. Right here and now I need you to acknowledge what I’m going through. He did apologize profusely last night.

As far as reaching out to the BS - five years ago he came banging on my door at 1:30 in the am scaring the crap out of me and my daughters.

Idk if I want to put them through something like that again.

Another update- she blocked me. I can’t locate her to blocker her back. What a witch. Five years later and she can’t let go or acknowledge what she did. Unbelievable.

I don’t know that I have any advice, just letting you know you are not alone. About 4 months post DDay, I was sitting in a meeting and across my phone comes a friend request from the AP. It made me sick to my stomach, I remember the hot flush and cold chills I felt. I excused myself and went to a private area and called my WH. I let him have it- probably not my finest moment, but the fact that his actions were causing this feeling was hard to deal with. By the time I opened FB she had withdrawn her request, just being a stalker and dumb enough to hit the wrong button. When I look at it now, I’m like take a look and eat your heart out, because the life I have worked to create, my profession, my kids, my family and caring friends—she will never know how that feels. The closest she could get to my life was F’ing my husband who was at the time as trashy, self disrespecting and selfish as she was.

In a fit of rage, I messaged her BS letting him know what she did.

I bet she didn't mean to FR you. Probably drunk and hit the wrong button. Either that, or she was being a brazen creeper.

I don't think you can block her back once she's blocked you. I would probably check every so often to see if she's unblocked you, and then you can block her.

I'm glad you messaged her H. You might consider FR'ing him so that he'll definitely see it. Otherwise, it could sit in his message request box for a while without him noticing. Once he's seen it, you can unfriend and block.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:45 PM, Monday, August 26th]

Good. She needs to crawl back under her rock and leave you all alone.

I do also think that your H needs to own that this is not Satan’s work- this is HIS work. This is the ongoing consequences of what he did. He can’t control the AP, but he brought her into your lives and he needs to support you as you (very naturally and normally) react.

It should enrage him and activate serious empathy for how you are feeling.

Take extra good care of yourself— you need to soothe your fight or flight right now. Get a massage, do some meditation, journal, deep breathing, long walks…. Process it out of you.

I hate that infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving.

I'm so sorry she put you in this position, but I wouldn't have accepted her request. Gently, you gave her a window into your life that's none of her business.

I hope you unfriended her, and I hope your husband is telling the truth.

I’m having a hard time understanding why after five years she can’t let go. She stayed with her BS.

Is she still pining for my H?

I definitely need to do some serious self care. I cannot think straight, can’t focus and when people are trying to talk to me, I’m having a hard time not think about the affair and her reasoning for reaching out now.

Maybe it was a mistake. She meant someone else or she was drunk and did something stupid. In any event she’s pathetic — sad and lonely and desperate.

I had the first OW 15 years later email my H not long after dday2 with the 2nd OW. I saw the email and was furious!

Even though she was married she was fishing (IMO).

My H knew that was not a good situation.

IMO these are needy drama filled people who act like they are still in middle school /junior high.

I leave them in my rear view mirror and don’t give them the time of day.

I’m having a hard time understanding why after five years she can’t let go. She stayed with her BS.

Is she still pining for my H?

I definitely need to do some serious self care. I cannot think straight, can’t focus and when people are trying to talk to me, I’m having a hard time not think about the affair and her reasoning for reaching out now.

She might very well be still carrying a torch. My H's AP was still pining for my H 15 years after DDay, based on things I found online while pain shopping. She got married five years after DDay and is still married. It must not be a very happy marriage! Sucks to be her, I guess.

What you and I both need to remember is that what she's doing doesn't matter. Can you take a day off and treat yourself in some nice, relaxing, distracting way? Spa day? A day at the movies? Museum visits and a nice lunch?