SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank u all for taking the time to write your thoughtful responses.

We discussed this again last night. I told him I realized his actions were HARMING me. That’s how I feel. He looked at me wide eyed. He always carries so much shame. His response was the first time he has made since in this "I don’t know why I do that"

This morning , I feel awful. He feels awful. He is so sad and keeps trying to hug me and it’s pissing me off - I literally feel guilty for withdrawing

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 1:42 PM, Sunday, August 11th]

Satya I often feel the same. I told my wife some time back that when I'm feeling bad, sometimes even just a hug would help, she does that reluctantly and when she does, it just feels mechanical, not from the heart so now I find myself just not feeling interested in working on the relationship anymore.

I've read the posts,but something I want to point out about the title of this thread.

Reconciliation is a process that takes years. At one year past dday, saying you're "reconciled" is surprising.

Also, you can't have true R with a es who is still hiding and lying.

And he since he works next to this massage parlor, he absolutely knew what kind of place it is.

Spouses protect each other, put each other first. Your comments show that you have been doing that for him all along. BUT, he knew he was in a problem area for you, he didn't clear it with you in advance, and then he tried to hide it afterwards. I am more than willing to acknowledge that (as every cheater says) "nothing happened." But his job is to make doubly sure that he's way far on the right side of the line, not breaking the marriage down even more. He should feel awful. He really, really messed up, and it is his fault. The damage he's doing may be emotional, but that doesn't mean it isn't real. Even if nothing happened, make no mistake: THIS IS EMOTIONAL CHEATING. What he did is as damaging to the marriage as if something happened. You feel awful because someone you love treated you with appalling contempt and disrespect. If a boyfriend/girlfriend were to treat one of your children like that, (I assume that you have children from your screen name) how would you react? I'd bet your first reaction would be to step in and protect your child (and maybe then to toss the boyfriend/girlfriend into the nearest body of water). Maybe it's not wrong to step in and protect yourself? Withdrawal in this case is an act of self-preservation, not a reason to feel awful.

Has he told you how he is going to change going forward? Maybe he might think to tell you before he gets a massage? Maybe get your approval? Maybe work with a massage therapist that you recommend? Let's hear what changes he proposes to make you feel safe, protected, respected, honored, and loved. After all you've done to forgive and rebuild, you deserve it.

Thank u Com1c

Yes he has said I’m 100% right he should have told me. I believe he was in pain, severe back pain , but that’s not the point. It’s the lying by omission and we have talked tons and he said he doesn’t know why. He knows he has to dig deeper to find out why and is in IC. U fortunately he tried to get in this week but no openings.

I went to make IC today - she said it sounds like he has white knuckles through this year. Former athlete "pushing through but hasn’t gone deep enough yet. This happened a lot in his family - his dad was deceitful.

Issue it is is harming to me - mentally spiritually yes. I told him I’m not sure how much more I can take and he is very nervous. It’s hard for me because I’m so concerned about his mental health. And yes I’m taking care of mine - but as my IC said "you’ll know if and when it’s too much "

IDK about consequences....

To change from cheater to good partner, I believe the WS needs to build their own boundaries. The motivation for being a good partner best comes from within. Fear of consequences doesn't make for strong bonds, IMO. I've been trying to figure out how to say that less provocatively, without success.

*****

I think it might help you to analyze how his actions hurt you. Prostitution via a shady massage parlor hurts him, but in what ways does it hurt you? (I ask because, obviously, I believe in naming the specifics helps.)

*****

I think Justsomeguy's post, above, makes a lot of sense. Paying attention to stuff that evokes an emotional response - negative or positive - is how one heals.

It hurts me because the man I loved and supported for 25 years and trusts 100% betrayed that trust and put my physical , and mental health at risk along with the mental health of my grown children through his own selfish acts. Now I have found out for years he has lied by omission during our many times apart ( business travel). Not sexual encounters but conversations , financial decisions and "partying " which he always said didn’t happen …. There was zero reason for him to not be transparent. We are both mature adults and I share my life with him but he consciously or unconsciously had a secret life I knew nothing about.