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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
Love Bombing As I Am Trying to Separate

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 AlphaBeta (original poster member #45382) posted at 10:10 PM on Thursday, July 4th, 2024

WW had As in 2012 and 2014 with separate APs; I discovered both in 2014. I forgave, we reconciled, but I really never trusted in my heart. Fast forward to August 2023, she accidentally sent me a 5 second voicemail which, to me, was clearly her having sex with a man. Even heard the guy's voice. I confronted her (after waiting a bit to watch, never discovered anything further), and she denied which blew my mind. Later I had two friends ask their opinion of the audio. One was 100% sure it was sex sounds, one was 95% sure. I broached the subject of divorce in October 2023 and throughout that month and November. I stopped talking about it during the holidays. I approached her again about it in mid February this year. She was not cooperative. I decided to take steps on my own and get a place. I got a 3 bedroom for me and my kids (for 50/50 custody). Lease started July 1st this year. I told my WW on June 1st. I told my kids in mid June. I have all my stuff (almost) in the fully furnished house, but I haven't spent the night there yet. I'm getting cold feet because my WW is hoovering me like crazy. (But still vehemently denies the August 2023 voicemail was sex). She's love bombing. And my parents are just torn up. They love her dearly. And my kids, who seemed ok at first, are now being different. My daughter is colder than usual and my son is asking me to stay. I didn't know the final push would be like this. Anyone have a similar experience?

BH Me, 47 yo male
WW, 45 yo female
Married 17 yrs
Together 19 yrs
DD, 16 yo
DS, 14 yo
D-Days and TT: 10-22-14 thru 11-7-14
WW 2 PA's with 2 different OM's, 2012 & 2014
Attempting R

posts: 162   ·   registered: Oct. 27th, 2014   ·   location: AlphaBeta
id 8841509
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:40 AM on Friday, July 5th, 2024

I didn't have this issue, but others have. It's possible that your WW is probably telling them stuff like you're going for D and it's your decision to break up the family.

Some people, like your WW, can't be the bad guy in their own story and will do things to make the BS the bad guy.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3573   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8841535
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 4:45 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2024

What is it YOU want?
If you want a divorce, you really don’t need a reason beyond the fact you want out.
You can explain your stance to your kids in an age-appropriate way, and your parents are not your wife’s spouse. It’s YOUR family and YOUR life and YOUR decision. Things will blow over once they all see you are determined in your decision.

If however you have some hope of reconciliation then that would have to be based on truth...
You definitely would need to get closure on the voice recording.

What is it she says it is, and why did she send it? Is there a plausible explanation?
You could make her this one off offer:
She has a chance NOW to tell you the truth. If she does you commit to pushing pause on the divorce for a week or two. Like an amnesty-period.
You have some questions you want answered like:
When did the affair in 2012 start and end and when did she last see the OM from that affair. Same with affair from 2014. Has she had any form of inappropriate relationship with either OM or anyone new since the last affair in 2014. Make it clear that if she were to share that she also had an affair in 2022 and told you who it was an all that... your marriage might still have a chance. The key here is honesty.

Make it clear that you will be setting up a polygraph test at the end of your amnesty-period. That test will contain some of the questions you have, plus others she won’t know off beforehand.
If she passes the test you will consider a more permanent pause on the divorce, but only if both of you get IC and then some MC and you both work towards trust and a honest marriage.
However... if she fails – no matter why – it simply confirms your suspicions and that she neither respects nor trusts you. Therefore divorce is inevitable.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12479   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8841624
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 9:39 PM on Friday, July 5th, 2024

Keep it very simple. "Mom has boyfriends." If they ask questions or want to hash it over tell them that is all they need to know except you have tried for a decade but recently she did it again and you will not stay married to her. Tell them you love them then stop talking. Set up IC for both. You will have stated the truth. You have not called their mother bad names. You have moved on from her, not your children.
Do not let others drag you into conversations. Silence is golden. Use it.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4274   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8841679
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 3:31 PM on Saturday, July 6th, 2024

I suspect your wife is unfairly influencing your kids, hence the change in attitude.

Stand your ground here. No one likes change and this is huge. However you have to give it a chance to see if this is the right decision for you.

Your wife is lovebombing you. It’s all words.

Is she in counseling? Is she reading books or doing anything constructive to help right the ship OR is she denying and pretending she’s not at fault here?

You can tell your wife that if things can change, you would reconsider reconciling. But for now you need time and space.

You work on you. She works on herself. You co-parent and see how that goes. If you decide to reconcile you want to reconcile with a spouse who you can trust and feel safe with.

Not a spouse who continues to lie to you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13971   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8841724
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gr8ful ( member #58180) posted at 10:00 PM on Saturday, July 6th, 2024

Have you considered having your wife sit for a polygraph? If you haven’t already done so, I would also have her write out EVERYTHING from the 2 adulterous relationships and have the poly confirm she’s not withheld anything from her timeline(s).

Not saying it’s not possible, but it’s rarer than unicorns for serial cheaters to truly reform.

posts: 387   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017
id 8841745
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:09 AM on Sunday, July 7th, 2024

They love her dearly. And my kids, who seemed ok at first, are now being different. My daughter is colder than usual and my son is asking me to stay. I didn't know the final push would be like this.

She's casting you as the destroyer of the family. That shouldn't surprise you. It takes a pretty selfish person to get to three strikes on the infidelity at bat. If you want the bright side, your stbx really likes having you as a husband and father. Just not enough to stay faithful. Keep walking your way free. Talk to your kids. Tell them you can't stay married to a wife who has boyfriends.

posts: 1603   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8841756
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:49 PM on Sunday, July 7th, 2024

She's casting you as the destroyer of the family

I think this is the MO of a lot of WS’s including mine once you are set on D.

My xWS also did love bombing and it was not surprising given his disorder to maintain his image and control. Now he could say look I’m changing and I want to save my marriage but my wife wants to break up the family look

Just keep on the path moving forward. Others will eventually accept your decision and this will fade into the past.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8841780
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