SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am not concerned about him having an affair again especially with his same AP.

I think my main issue is the memories and just seeing him in that area on the map makes me wanna vomit.

Our MC gave me a little card to carry in my wallet and pull out when I was freaking the F out. It said, in all caps, NOTHING BAD IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. The house isn't on fire. No one is bleeding. The A isn't active. THEY'RE JUST FEELINGS.

The only way to build callouses is to expose yourself to the rub. You can't avoid every single thing that triggers you for the rest of your life. Know that things are going to trigger and hurt; deal with the emotions and thoughts when they come - turn them over and examine them from every angle if you need to; work through them together; and build the tolerance.

At the risk of sounding like a complete asshole, sack up, sister. Put your warrior hat on and summon your courage. You can do this. And you'll be better for it.

Sacredsoul you’re a bad ass.

I hope one day sooner than later I can start reclaim things and places but right now I’m not there.

What's going to happen if you spiral emotionally? Are you at risk for self-harm? If so, I can see that special consideration is in order. If that's not the case, play it out. What do you think will happen? Why do you feel unsafe?

Sacredsoul you’re a bad ass.

Even better, she’s an Original Gangster! And don’t you forget it

Of course, do as you see best. I lean towards agreeing with OG on this one. The danger is truly all in your mind, and many of us (me included) have reported facing those locations and reclaiming them has helped defuse triggers. It could do you good, but no pressure.

So I think it is so great that you gave out the distress call. And so many people responded - nice! But then as you responded to their questions it became clear that you are stronger than I realized in your first post. Basically, you ended up saying you were not going to go there with him because you did not really need to. (1) you don’t thinks he’s gonna cheat, at least not in this particular way and (2) if he were to cheat you would be out anyway. That seems really good and I just wanted to acknowledge it.

I was not as strong as you at this point I don’t think. I had a very demanding job but I would still definitely take those days off and go plant myself in a car outside the office because I would be afraid of how it was going to make me feel. Just like you said.. You are afraid of being afraid. Which is obviously totally normal. It sounds like that was your initial reaction, but on reflection you’ve decided it will make you ill but you plan on trying to power through. (Using whatever supportive techniques your spouse can gin up - FaceTime for 24 hours or whatever it is)

I think I used to be afraid of the power through approach because I wanted to know WITH CERTAINTY it wasn’t possible for him to cheat within the parameters he was allowed to operate. That wasn’t really a reality based thought but I still felt that way. My therapist spent a lot of time convincing me that if he cheated again I would eventually find out. I wanted to see a threat coming from ten miles away so I would do stuff like take days off and park outside his office and monitor. It’s kind of sad to think about now but that is just where I was at. Eventually, I became more comfortable with the idea that if he cheated again I would eventually find out (and of course leave). And I realized that eventually finding out was good enough.

I do commiserate with you on the location thing. My husband still works in the offices he cheated in, and those two days still suck in some ways. It stings less but in an ideal world I would be spared that indignity. So sorry you have to deal with this location thing.

However you choose to manage this it sounds like you will be okay, maybe miserable for a few days but okay. It sounds like you are very strong and very level headed. Two great things.

One of my favorite restaurants is on the road they always met to eat dinner then go have sex

Maybe I should start there?

And honestly I wasn’t this strong always. I just feel like having a special needs kid that hates change and couldn’t function well in a split home ( she will never live alone) if he were to do that to her than whatever B he gets with deserves him. He would ruin his life with his kids and his parents at that point. I just start to think about how much I have to offer vs him and as much as he is NOW growing I still have that in the bag. I’ve always made more financially , I can handle all four kids without batting an eye, I’m faithful, I’m working towards getting closer spiritually, and I’m a good friend.

I get hit on

So no , when he had the affair I was in pieces. I still ask him if he thought I was ugly ( I know I’m not) but some days I feel that way. I had four kids my body is still nice in my opinion but it isn’t the same as when we met at 22.

I have my moments but I also know my worth. I’ll kick his ass right to his parents, they wouldn’t bat an eye about me staying here with the kids. I think they like me more anyways.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 12:41 AM, Tuesday, June 25th]

Even better, she’s an Original Gangster! And don’t you forget it

I'm gonna kick your ass.

Groot, it sounds like your biggest worry is disruption for your special needs child. I completely get that.

But seriously, what happens if you spiral? You're fierce AF. Own it!

Hi Groot, it probably took a year or so.

I was actually a bit mean to my xh. He always lied about the places he went with her, so would make him go with me. After DD3 I went on my own with girl friends.

Now I simply don’t care.

Hi Groot,

I don't post much anymore but I wanted to respond. My therapist had me come up with "escape plans". Not escape my marriage...but escape my feeling.

I planned out each day he would be gone. Good food, pedicure,nice drive, movies,museums. I would 100% date myself while he was gone. HE PAID. Lol

At home...coloring books,watch lists on Netflix and apple, book lists, home projects. Girls nights. I wrote out what activity to do depending on my anxiety level. For example if I'm feeling low level anxiety...I colored. If I wanted to go back in time and destroy his entire bloodline...well then the bedroom got redone.

I also wrote out (Like Ink suggested) the steps I would take if he messed up. I plotted his down fall as throughly as possible and included all the heinous shit I would do like tell his mother he hated her sweet potato pie because it was bland. I set up a dummy email account and everything. Lol.

My best piece of advice...
Totally spoiled, pamper and indulge yourself. Fully agree with Hellfire...he needs to come up with ways to make you feel. YOU come up with things that will make you feel Good...and he foots the bill.

Prissy

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I also find the things that make me feel the most happy is this

My best piece of advice...
Totally spoiled, pamper and indulge yourself. Fully agree with Hellfire...he needs to come up with ways to make you feel. YOU come up with things that will make you feel Good...and he foots the bill.

I get pedicures, I have my nails done now, I go out to dinner with friends several times a week, I go shopping, I take naps, I go to the gym. I NEVER spoiled myself before after the kiddos were born. I let all of my hobbies and my personal care go out the window and I never will again. There are times I feel guilty because I do have four littles so trying to find the balance is hard. Now that I am in a LITTLE bit of a better place I have a few things planned for them this coming weekend to do and we have a family vacation in August. I just don't want to feel selfish when it comes to them, when it comes to him, I could care less.

I also wrote out (Like Ink suggested) the steps I would take if he messed up. I plotted his down fall as throughly as possible and included all the heinous shit I would do like tell his mother he hated her sweet potato pie because it was bland. I set up a dummy email account and everything. Lol.

I write things like this too ... unfortunately I speak them to him more than I write them.
I need to get better at writing my thoughts down instead of firing off at him because at the end of the day it gets us nowhere and leaves me feeling like hell. The up and down is too much right now for me to be in one emotion for long. at 10am I am telling him how much I love him, 1130a I am asking him how he could be so evil....