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Newest Member: Daughterofthemosthigh

Divorce/Separation :
How to get through divorce?

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 Devasted0687 (original poster new member #84605) posted at 9:19 PM on Wednesday, June 12th, 2024

How to cope through divorce?
I am just starting the process. My husband has changed into a complete stranger. How can someone you thought was your person turn you and your kids world upside down and not seem to care.
He now has all the time to himself, his parents have given him a business for him to take over. All he seems to care about his making money.
Then I’m left with all the responsibilities of the house and kids. How is any of this fair.
I have a good support with family and friends. But all I want is my family back sad

posts: 8   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2024
id 8839427
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:08 AM on Thursday, June 13th, 2024

Letting go is the hardest thing. But you said it yourself- he’s no longer the person you thought you had married. And you can’t go back.

If all he wants is to make money- excellent. Make sure your lawyer gets you and your kids every single penny you are entitled to.

I am so sorry. But you get through it by focusing on what is best for your kids. and one day ( sometimes on hour) at a time. And you still have your family- minus the lying liar . You family cut out a cancer.

Hang tight. You can do this.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8839464
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 4:51 PM on Thursday, June 13th, 2024

Welcome to this side of infidelity. Divorce is not an easy thing to go through and it will take time and it is ok to grieve the M you wanted and dreamed of. Take things one minute at a time and make sure you practice lots of self-care (you deserve to pamper yourself whenever necessary). One day you will feel at peace and even thankful you no longer have to be treated badly by your WS or care that he has become a complete stranger.

There is nothing fair about any of this I just hope you get your fair share in the D. You and your WS will have to split up responsibilities obviously your house is your responsibility and his will be his, same with the parenting unless he's a deadbeat dad.

You family cut out a cancer.

^^^
This... is exactly how I see my own situation. My xWS was a cancer to the family and to me. My kids see how much happier and healthier I am now. They say it was the best for everyone even though the D was hard on them at first especially for my daughter who is a daddy's girl.

If you are not already I would advise to find a good therapist that will help support you through the D. Also lean on friends and family. You will get there it's not easy in the beginning and the process seems to drag on, but one day you will get yourself back and be happy and at peace with it all.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8839529
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 Devasted0687 (original poster new member #84605) posted at 1:15 PM on Friday, June 14th, 2024

Thank you for the replies.

I’m glad you’re both doing well.
Hope it comes to me soon.

It’s just so hard. Feels like grief. Losing the life you thought you would have. I feel for my kids never wanted this for them. Think this is the hardest to accept, you never wanted this and a few months ago everything was normal and then your husband and dad betrays you. Just keep pain shopping by looking at old family photos.

It seems that I’m the only one suffering and he is enjoying his "freedom" and now can focus on his business. Then I’m left behind doing everything else. Why did I pick such a selfish man, how can they change so much.

I feel so stressed with everything and this is my new life now. And he is at his parents house with no responsibilities and they are well off so he never has to worry about money. I want to keep the house as couldn’t afford a new mortgage but only work part time. Just feel like my life is falling apart.
Sorry for the rant.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2024
id 8839609
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:32 AM on Saturday, June 15th, 2024

It feels like grief because it is grief. No getting around that. And the only way through it is through it. No shortcuts. So have some grace for yourself.

And don’t believe the externals he’s presenting. He’s running fast to avoid the bad feelings, but they WILL catch up. Meanwhile you and the kids will have moved forward and be in a much better place.

I know the financial and emotional challenges are real and difficult. And there may be changes you don’t like ahead, but image the amazing role model you are being for your kids. They will see you grown and adapt and recover. Pretty freakin’ badass. Let your lawyer help you get what you are owed.

Hang in there. Feel the feels. Be good to yourself. You are doing a good job.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8839808
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 1:24 AM on Wednesday, June 19th, 2024

I had been with my EX for 49 years. One morning, we were chatting about an upcoming European trip we were planning and no one, absolutely no one, would have seen what was coming.

I'd had strong suspicions for a few months and I'm not sure why I decided to just flat out ask him that morning but I did. I kept asking him if he was cheating and he kept denying it. Denying forcefully. With declarations of love and devotion. I kept saying "tell the truth" and "it's time for the truth." He was sitting in chair across from me and he put his head down (his chin practically to his chest) and hung there for a few seconds. When he looked back up at me, I was looking at a stranger. His eyes were cold and black and he was not the man I'd been crazy about for 49 years. And I could see that I was nothing more than a lowly bug in his eyes.

The sad truth is, even though I'd never known anyone who went through this, I soon discovered that this isn't uncommon. I'm not sure if it's due to chemical damage to the brain from addictive substance (he was an alcoholic but quit drinking in 1981), a personality disorder or what.

But here's why I'm telling you this. The why doesn't matter because what's done is done. Something flipped in his brain and he'll be that guy for the rest of his life. Please believe me when I tell you he's gone and he's not coming back. In the future, you will have to deal with that guy, someone who is a complete stranger to you. With the added pain of him not caring about you, his family, his home, nothing but himself. And with the ultimate pain of seeing that he now views you as an impediment to his happiness.

I think it's about the worst thing that can happen to a person. And the best way to find peace is to accept that and not waste time trying to figure it all out.

Fortunately for me, I went straight to a lawyer and he gave me great advice: File now, right now, before he has a chance to study his options and before that 3rd party in your marriage starts whispering things in his ear and while there's still some part of him that might feel a bit guilty. I ended up getting 70% of our assets and it was only because he was too shocked by what was happening and too anxious to move 1000 miles away to be with the love of his life. If I hadn't filed right away, he'd have had time to think about it more and maybe gotten a lawyer. If that happened, I'm pretty sure I would have ended up with much less if the court had made the final decision.

Also, the best thing you can do right now, for yourself, is quit talking to him. Absolutely not a word in person and only use text and email for things that pertain to finances and the kids and even then, only the basics, no emotions whatsoever. I have a very handy little tip for you about how you can tell when he's lying. You'll be able to tell because his lips will be moving.

Hang in there and lean on our group here. I've been inactive for several months but once you're part of this family, it will become part of you and no one here will ever betray you. It will be your safe place.

BW, was 67; now 74; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. D July, 2017

posts: 3237   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8840106
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 Devasted0687 (original poster new member #84605) posted at 4:54 PM on Wednesday, June 19th, 2024

Thank you for your replies.

Im sorry you have all been through this too.

Does feel better to come on here - I do have a great support system but no one has experienced this and I dont want to burden them too much and think that im going on all the time.

I know the man I know has gone its just hard to accept. Our youngest is only 2 so sadly I will be around him when for a long time to come. I work with his parents too so its hard to see them all the time knowing that I will never be a part of their family again.

Yes I hope so - I wish I could fast forward to the future to know it will be okay. I just keep focusing on my children and he is the one who is missing out on their childhood
Even though he may have a business and money I have the children in my life. But obviously it is scary not knowing if I can support them on my own. I would like to progress but feel like I wont have the time or chance to better myself now.

He said that I liked to control everything but had no choice with him he was like a fourth child. He wants to be financially independent, however he is living with his parents and living off them. He doesn't have to pay or do anything. His mum is doing up a room for him and the kids, buying everything. She is helping him with the business too!

So true that its like a switch has flipped. My husband does suffer with his mental health and he has put me through things over the last couple of years and I have always tried to support him. But whenever I asked him to support me with kids and house stuff - I would be accused of nagging him.

Yes i'm not talking to him only through text when its his time with the kids.

Thank you for all your support.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2024
id 8840128
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BallofAnxiety ( member #82853) posted at 7:55 PM on Friday, June 21st, 2024

Fortunately for me, I went straight to a lawyer and he gave me great advice: File now, right now, before he has a chance to study his options and before that 3rd party in your marriage starts whispering things in his ear and while there's still some part of him that might feel a bit guilty. I ended up getting 70% of our assets and it was only because he was too shocked by what was happening and too anxious to move 1000 miles away to be with the love of his life. If I hadn't filed right away, he'd have had time to think about it more and maybe gotten a lawyer. If that happened, I'm pretty sure I would have ended up with much less if the court had made the final decision.

This is great advice. I did the same thing and also ended up with a significantly better settlement than I would have otherwise.

Me: BW. XCH: ONS 2006; DDay 12/2022 "it was only online," trickle truth until 1/2023 - "it was 1 year+ affair with MCOW." Divorced 4/2024.

posts: 142   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8840441
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