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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 3:28 AM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

My decision is to work on my marriage and do what my husband needs me to do. Bc we had so many issues before and it's not a marriage either of us wants to return to, we are starting from the ground up. Neither one of us is closing the door on potential divorce but keeping the door open to trying to make it work. If i sound tentative it's bc ik he could choose to leave sooner than later and i cant do anything about it and that makes me guarded still.

The language here makes it sound like you guys are on even ground, but you aren’t. You are the betrayer and he is the betrayed. You don’t get the luxury of being guarded. You have too much to do, too much to prove.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2190   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8839197
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 3:33 AM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

Yeah, it's just so much uncertainty. And we still haven't really talked about it. He never wants to when I bring it up. So in limbo to say the least.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8839199
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Tobster1911 ( new member #81191) posted at 4:13 AM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

I am a BH as well. I am not trying to bash you and you seem to want to understand. I hope we can help you see the truth of this quickly. This is why people are telling you you’re still in the fog.

And I do think fondly of him (care about him) now (and I don't need to tell my husband bc that will fade) and I hope that he finds joy in his life again bc I feel responsible for fucking his up

If my wife still had fond feelings for her APs (yes multiple) we would be separated and on the track for divorce. Seeing it for what it really was had to happen in a very short time for me to even consider staying to see what could be. You didn’t make this guy do what he clearly knew was wrong. He is not a toddler. He is a full grown man. Stop pretending he had no choice and couldn’t resist you. That is just romanticized bs and is incredibly cruel to your husband. How in the world can you still respect a man willing to have illicit sex with another man’s wife? This man was/is absolute trash no matter how much you don’t want to admit it. You are doing more damage every moment you persist in this mindset.

BH(45), married 16yrs, DDay1 Feb 2022, DDay2 Apr 2022, 2EA + 4PA over 6+ yrs.

Glimmers of hope for change

posts: 35   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2022   ·   location: CO
id 8839202
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 4:14 AM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

If your husband was on here, we would be advising him not to pursue you, not to do the "pick me dance". His job right now is to face his pain, process it, and start to rebuild his esteem and self worth that have been ground to powder. It is not to give you reassurance. You are the offender, it is on you to make amends.
Hikingout is right, you need to get your thinking about all this straight. But the sooner you can do that and give your husband the dignity of either your whole hearted remorseful R efforts or your clear decision to D, the better. And it’s true, he might choose D at any time here, it’s entirely his right. But that really has nothing to do with what you need to be doing right now.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2190   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8839203
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 4:34 AM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

This isn’t me saying it’s right, but I am saying that a single man will very unlikely get shamed for sleeping with a married woman, vs what you would face if it’s exposed. A married woman who cheats will get kudos from other cheaters. If I’m wrong, then expose your affair to everyone. Tell all of your friends and family about it, especially the part about it in you and BH house.

Yeah he could choose to leave, so can you. You both have that freedom. However you chose the path of deception and lies, so now your BH can’t trust you at all. He can’t trust that you won’t do it again. That you aren’t comparing him to AP, especially with sex, that you are only stringing him along until you leave with someone else. These and 1000s of other thoughts are going through his mind. But you are worried he might leave. So go ahead and be guarded. All that will prove to him is that you’re not committed and are still likely thinking about AP, which you are by your own admission. And, you have wanted to leave how many times now? All of a sudden your BH might leave and now you’re worried.

You can’t recommit to your BH while still feeling sympathetic and fondness to the man who helped you destroy him. I am going to say this an easy as possible, the affair happened because you both made yourself available and willing. There is nothing special about it. Read

everyone’s story here. Sure some nuances here and there, but everything else same as all the others. Yours just involves the kids.

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 4:58 AM, Tuesday, June 11th]

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 503   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8839208
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 1:19 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

Thank you all for being straight with me. It's what I need to hear bc no one else is doing it. Maybe what's causing the disconnect is that I did not have a good marriage before this happened and so we are still trying to parse through that piece so that's probably why I seem like I'm on the fence because I was on the fence before the affair even happened. The tragic thing about having the affair is it has set our progress back because now we need to focus on that for before we can move forward on just the marriage piece so I'm very sad about that. I am very remorseful I regret doing it I wish that I'd had the self-control and the decency to come to my husband because he would have understood and we could have worked through it and instead I just satisfied my needs. Part of me thinks I should just walk away like I was thinking about doing before the affair but I want to stay to help him process what happened and if he wants me here then I will be here I don't want to abandon him. But I definitely do not deserve his forgiveness and I don't deserve to be in this marriage right now for sure and I understand that.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8839223
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 1:51 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

And, you have wanted to leave how many times now? All of a sudden your BH might leave and now you’re worried.

You can’t recommit to your BH while still feeling sympathetic and fondness to the man who helped you destroy him. I am going to say this an easy as possible, the affair happened because you both made yourself available and willing. There is nothing special about it.

I agree I've probably stayed too long in this marriage and I wasn't a good partner. A good mom, yes, but not a good partner. Neither was my husband but I was afraid to be on my own only seeing my kids 50% of the time and I was committed to the marriage. I did stay for selfish reasons,I fully admit that. At one point I was in love with my husband and enjoyed his company and having children woth him. I can sit here and type all the ways it went wrong,how I withdrew when things got rough instead of facing them straight on. I've always taken the easy way and rarely have worked hard for anything and it showed up in the marriage. It was such a difficult road I just couldn't believe I had to work hard for it to be even just okay. Anyway, ik there's nothing special about the affair, it's as cliche as they get, but if I'm going to forgive myself I can forgive him, too. I'm not going to hate him bc I don't hate myself.

Maybe fondness isn't the right word. I feel bad for him.

[This message edited by Elliebellie at 1:54 PM, Tuesday, June 11th]

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8839228
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 3:59 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

You have made some serious revelations about yourself and the truth of your marriage and your affair. That takes serious hard looking into your own flaws, and I encourage you to keep going.

Believe it or not, as I said before I am not telling you to hate your AP, in fact I believe hating him will continue to hurt your progress. I am trying to shed the light on his true character and that he doesn’t deserve any of your thoughts at all, least of all sympathy.

He hurt your children. Sure he wasn’t like my situation where AP actually abused my kids, but he still willingly hurt them. Your kids had trust in him. Think about it. He has sex with you and then plays dad with kids who aren’t his, and in their house. I’m making a lot of assumptions here, but considering that you were caught in your house, that leads me to believe that wasn’t the first time at all. Your kids want you and your husband together, and they are too young to fully understand but they probably know that your AP did something wrong and has hurt them. Your AP gladly agreed to. In a way that is much more insidious than overt abuse. He’s being kind and playing with them, all the while betraying them. He was someone they trusted, and if you had actually had a normal relationship with AP he probably could have been a good influence in their lives. Instead, when given the green light to sleep with you he decided that the harm to you and your kids was worth it.
I wish I could show you what my kids wrote about AP in my situation. My oldest knows about the affair, and the other 4 know that AP was trying to get me and WW divorced. Therapist had them write letters about thier feelings and it’s absolutely heartbreaking how they were hurt by him. I promise, since you involved your kids they are feeling similarly.

He is not deserving of sympathy. Yes you are at fault to because you failed to put your kids over you, but so did he.

I brought up all of the social shame stuff only to prove a point that AP had nothing to lose. Nothing. He knew what was on the table and what could happen to you and your family, but he didn’t care and he didn’t have to worry about what happened. Here you are trying to pick up the mess you made,
Meanwhile he gets to think about the mind blowing sex and good times while living his best life without a care in the world. Remember, the kids aren’t his, so I’m betting he isn’t really crying too hard about not seeing them ever again.

You should stop waiting for your BH to ask for things. You say you want to R and recommit, then do it. Make the decision by actions not intentions. Write two disclosure letters. Just do it. First one is just timeline/.dates/what happened and where. Best you can.
Second one is everything. Everything.
Did you send him dirty pictures or vids? Put that in the letter.
Did you and AP make any vids of you two together, put it in the letter. (yes my WW did and I am dreading the day when they pop
Up because they probably will)
Did you sleep with AP in the house, where, and then get rid of whatever furniture you did.
Tell BH about the kink. Tell him if was on the martial bed. Tell him if you did things for AP you never did for him. Again, if you bought toys or underwear or outfits for AP, tell BH in this letter.

Seal them, and give him the easy one first. Tell him what it is, and tell him what the second letter is. Let him decide what he needs or doesn’t. Right now he has no idea, he probably has no support whatsoever and doesn’t know what to do. Here at SI we do, because we are a support system and we know what works to give true R a shot. I’m speaking as a BH, I had my wife tell me everything, I had her throw out a lot of things. It was awful, but I would have D her if she hadn’t told me everything I needed.

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 503   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8839244
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 5:23 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

The tragic thing about having the affair is it has set our progress back because now we need to focus on that for before we can move forward on just the marriage piece so I'm very sad about that.

It’s true, having an affair is a really poor way to try to fix a bad marriage.

When you take a mistress on the side, just to keep the marriage alive, you know it never works, especially the harder you try - Derek Webb, Nothing But Love

I had a shitty marriage before my wife’s affair. I fought for it anyway, because I thought that I saw the root cause of many of our problems laid bare. But she remained guarded and did not embrace the kind of advice you have gotten here. She remained guarded, she listened to IC messages that were all about her, and she lied and hid things from me. If you can do ALL THE THINGS, honesty, humility, empathy, intense self reflection, endurance for years, then you will have done your part, and then you have to still give your husband his autonomy to make decisions for his own life in light of this life shaking betrayal.

It’s a hard road from here, Ellie, no matter what. I hope for your well being, and that of your husband and your children.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2190   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8839258
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straightup ( member #78778) posted at 9:17 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

I second what HellIsNotHalfFull said about the kids being betrayed by the affair partner.

My father and a family friend did the same thing and married post divorce.

The kids learn it all eventually. Those who do track their own lives with their parents, and mutter to themselves ‘how could you?’. Those who don’t know the extent of it, for a while, mutter ‘what the hell hapoened, I just don’t get it’ and fill in the blanks with lies that don’t serve them well. The first is better, but bad.

Your AP could have never been a father figure to your kids. He would have been some guy who taught them not to trust people.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 364   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8839295
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 10:23 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

He was someone they trusted, and if you had actually had a normal relationship with AP he probably could have been a good influence in their lives.

Yup this hurts, too, bc he was a good role model...until he wasn't. I'm not either, for relationships anyway.

My oldest knows about the affair, and the other 4 know that AP was trying to get me and WW divorced. Therapist had them write letters about thier feelings and it’s absolutely heartbreaking how they were hurt by him. I promise, since you involved your kids they are feeling similarly.


How old were your kids? My kids were confused but i haven't heard anything alarming when I talk to them. I told them he had to move closer to his ailing parents and he says bye and we'll see him around some time.

[This message edited by Elliebellie at 10:28 PM, Tuesday, June 11th]

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8839304
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 10:30 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

Meanwhile he gets to think about the mind blowing sex and good times while living his best life without a care in the world. Remember, the kids aren’t his, so I’m betting he isn’t really crying too hard about not seeing them ever again.

No, he is devastated. He really saw us being all together one day.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8839305
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 10:45 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

No, he is devastated. He really saw us being all together one day.

He probably thinks that about you as well, but you have gone quickly from loving him to loving the feeling you had around him to feeling sorry for him, and soon enough you will probably have anger or disgust, and ideally get to complete indifference.

I assume you are NC and can’t verify how he is feeling right now. You assuming he is devastated says more about you than it does him.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 10:49 PM, Tuesday, June 11th]

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2190   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8839307
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 10:53 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

He probably thinks that about you as well, but you have gone quickly from loving him to loving the feeling you had around him to feeling sorry for him, and soon enough you will probably have anger or disgust, and ideally get to complete indifference.

I am devastated, too. And have a broken heart just like he does. He reached out to me yesterday, actually, and I reiterated that we cannot communicate so we can both move on and heal. I had a good cry and am trying to move past it. Just knowing someone's world is worse rn bc of me is awful, and that includes my husband. Hopefully, I won't continue carrying the burden of worrying about how ap is doing.

ETA: I'm really confused why ppl keep repeating he has to be hurting less than I or that he's not as upset as I am. Not sure what the point is other than to make something up to make me feel like I could move on more quickly? Or to make me feel worse?

[This message edited by Elliebellie at 10:58 PM, Tuesday, June 11th]

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8839308
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 10:57 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

Ellie, you MUST stop all communication. That was a huge misstep to respond to him.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2190   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8839309
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 11:27 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

Ellie, you MUST stop all communication. That was a huge misstep to respond to him.

Ik. I explained again why we can't communicate and that I am betraying my husband by communicating and said goodbye.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8839315
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 11:45 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

Block him on all platforms. Do not accept new unknown invitations that could be fake accounts by him.

Ellie, you have absolutely no margin for error here. You are harming your children and yourself in this, needlessly piling on harm to your already traumatized husband, lessening the chance of any possible reconciliation.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2190   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8839319
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 11:48 PM on Tuesday, June 11th, 2024

I’ll be honest Ellie,

Part of why I keep digging at AP is because I see a lot of the same traits from the turd who is significantly responsible for almost destroying everything I built, and the way to keep talking about him reflects almost verbatim what my WW would say about her AP both during and in the immediate aftermath of dday2. Again, each time she said something positive about AP it was like having what eas left of my heart ripped out. Even when she didn’t express it, when I would catch her crying over AP, all I wanted to do was throw up in disgust and kick her out. It wasn’t until i laid out the facts, and I said some very similar talking points that I did with you in my posts, did the light come on for her and she realized how many red flags she ignored. Because of how hard she hung on to the image of AP she built in her head (also her/ap had been friends for four years before the A, pretty damn close to your timeline) it was almost the the final straw. I was done, I couldn’t take it anymore and I explained everything as I did as a final chance. Lucky for her, she started seeing how the affair had completely warped her view.

It isn’t to make you feel bad, but to try and explain you are still betraying your family. Apathy is the goal. Remember I said AP might as well be dead if you want R to even have a chance, and that has to be completely fine with you. Indifference to what happens to him good or bad.

Until you do that, you’re not in R and are still in affair zone. You owe your BH and kids that level of commitment if you want to even have a chance.

I can’t stress enough how you can’t recommit to your BH while you still have positive thoughts and feel sorry for AP. Even if you don’t express it to your BH, your actions and commitment, really lack there of will reflect where your loyalty is. Sure you say you don’t want to go back to AP, but here you are communicating with him still. Why isn’t he blocked? You left that door open on purpose. No one should have to tell you that not blocking him is still keeping access to him and still reflects your desire to bring him back in.

Guess what, APs lie. You lied to your BH, maybe lied to your AP. He can too. What do his actions say, not his sweet words? Why can’t he respect you enough to not contact you? You told him not to right? It’s not romantic that he ignores your feelings and ignores you when you say don’t contact me again. AP is selfish. Contacting you is for his own benefit not yours. And you took the bait, hook line and sinker.

You at least are trying to take accountability and fix the problem, AP is still making more for you

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 503   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8839321
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 Elliebellie (original poster member #84918) posted at 12:04 AM on Wednesday, June 12th, 2024

Guess what, APs lie. You lied to your BH, maybe lied to your AP. He can too. What do his actions say, not his sweet words? Why can’t he respect you enough to not contact you? You told him not to right? It’s not romantic that he ignores your feelings and ignores you when you say don’t contact me again. AP is selfish. Contacting you is for his own benefit not yours. And you took the bait, hook line and sinker.

I left the door open last time. He wanted to delete the app but at the time I wanted to make sure he was ok and I see now he didn't. We didnt communicate that whole time so I thought it was done. This time I was clear and we said goodbye. I'm not ready to block him. I hope to get there soon. I totally get it's a mutual benefit to contact one another.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2024   ·   location: New England
id 8839325
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 12:16 AM on Wednesday, June 12th, 2024

And you have proven my point. You aren’t ready to block him? That’s the biggest load of garbage I’ve ever heard. You are still having an affair. You are still cheating. This whole thread of saying you want your marriage is a lie.

Also the whole “I wanted to know if he was ok” is cheating speak for I want to see him again. Next comes
“I want to go see him to say goodbye and get closer”
Followed by “we had sex one last time to get closer”

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 12:19 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

Me mid 40s BH
Her 40s STBX WW
3 year EA 1 year PA.
DDAY 1 Feb 2022. DDAY 2 Jun 2022. DDAY 3/4/5/6/7 July 2024
Nothing but abuse and lies and abuse false R for three years. Divorcing and never looking back.

posts: 503   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8839327
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