SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi folks. Have a VAR and can't seem to get it to record by voice activation. Settings are between 1 and 7. 7 being it picks up the lowest decibel possible. I set it at 5 and found a nice little spot in the corner of her purse. The only barrier is the leather - it should pick up noise no? Any help would be greatly appreciated - if I can get it in her purse I can see what she really is up to during the day. A woman never leaves without her purse!

wjbrennan78

now knowing what you have - can't offer any help other than RTFM!!! (not intending to offend)

OR!!!

google "spycentre" and peruse the plethora of stuff they offer for "discrete" voice recording.

some awesome stuff available now.

also - devices much smaller in the choices - much easier to squirrel away somewhere.

Some as small as a paper clip or a DIME!

Given it is near impossible to leave a grocery store with one bag of groceries for less then $100, in comparison, the prices for the recorders seem cheap for the technology.

The VAR is about the size of a matchbook. There is a text file to input the programming (dB level, k level, gain, date and time, file length (set to 60 min increments). I've had success with the voice activation off, and just running all day. But I just don't want to listen to hours of key strokes. So when I do change the voice activation to pick up the small dB possible, it doesn't seem to record. Weird. Trying it out tonight - have it inside of a throw pillow next to me to see if the new settings work.

wjbrennan78

just took a gander at your other posts -

I think you should read through the library and then scroll down JFO forum for the "bullseye" threads and read them.

I would (if I were you) have kicked wifey out of bedroom and maybe the house.

Also - don't "sell your kids short" - they know something is amiss - and likely will figure out soon.
- unless both you and wife are excellent actors

Given what I read - wondering what more you need that a surreptitiously garnered recording will provide that you need.

What you saw on her phone is all you need - the details don't matter. Kind of like robbing a store: Whether is was a case of beer or a 25 cent candy bar - the robbery is the offense.

Also - have you tried to recover messages off phone? If not - get it and do so. Then send to other BS.

good luck my man

Hippo - I tried everything I could to get the deleted messages off her Iphone - but they are gone. Just recording to see what tales she is spinning with her close friend at work - who is the only one there that knows about the A. Looking for insight to see how warped her thinking still is.

Think you are overcomplicating things...
You will be listening to hours of office communications, small-talk and keyboard clatter. Trying to read into some distant rumbling.

OM and WW think the affair is secret. It’s a workplace affair and they think nobody there knows.
I recall you said they didn’t work close to each other, so it’s not like OM (or your wife) will be walking past the other’s office or cubicle to see if there is an opportunity to chat, or accidentally meet in the supplies room for a quick romp. Nor will they feel safe to make calls if they are expecting colleagues to go past any second.

When and at what times are they most confident of being private (not together, but private)? That is when they coordinate or communicate. Generally, that tends to be the commute to or from work, and in their vehicle. You feel safe to talk when driving down the road alone in your vehicle. THAT is the ideal place for a VAR.
If she get’s home before you and has some alone-time in the house then the bedroom or bathroom are commonly used for private calls. Not suggesting she’s having him over, but that might be where she feels safe to talk to him.

You can also use location services or place an old smartphone with mapping in her car and retrospectively see where she’s been. Using that you can build up a pattern of her behaviors and then possibly validate using other info. For example: You don’t get anything on the VAR, but you can see that she left the office and drove to a park 10 minutes away at 11.00 last Monday. Spent 40 minutes there before driving back. You tell her in the evening "Honey – I tried to call you at the office and they said you were out. Where did you go?" – and then you base your response on her reply. Just remember – the ONLY one you need to convince is you.

But friend...
The affair isn’t over...
It might not be active, and maybe she will never again be with the OM...
But she’s still in infidelity-mindset, and is until the moment when she acknowledges that this is totally 100% her blame and NOTHING you did or did not do explains or justifies her DECISION to have an affair.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums/post/?fid=1&tid=662904#:~:text=But%20friend...,have%20an%20affair.

Bigger - I wholeheartedly agree with this. I refuse to lay next to her at night knowing that dude is still in her mind. I expressed to her that I will not share any space with the OM if we are going to even attempt R (which I will not start until I recover, which right now is more important). I'm trying to get some sense in her. Explaining that the person (OM) she still in high regards took advantage of her vulnerabilities and the way and place he did it showed nothing of love, respect, and decency (in between their cars in a bar parking lot). There was no intimate touch of the skin, expressive bonding - just the banging of their genitalia. Waist down interaction - that was all. But I digress. Nothing will improve until she takes 100 percent of the blame, apologizes for her gaslighting and TT. And really understands how much her continued lies, attitude, and self-protection hurt me on a daily basis.

I see this a lot with BHs, and I am guilty of this at first as well. Your wife was not taken advantage of. This mentality, My guy, this is still the pick me dance. Trying to get her to see all of the things wrong with AP and blah blah blah. That’s pick me. She is the problem. Not OM. AP could be anyone. The problem is her. She wasn’t taken advantage of. She knew what she was doing, and decided to cheat. AP could be a billionaire or living in a box, could be beating her or treating her like a queen. None of it matters because she first made the choice to be your wife, and then made the choice to be a cheating wife.

My recommendation. Stop. Stop trying to show how awful he is. Usually all that does is fuel the A anyway like a rebellious child. Your wife is the bad guy. If anything, she took advantage of AP.

I've tried nibbling around the edge of issues in the past, each time I have concluded I would have been far better served by just turning into the problem, confronting the issue and forcing resolution. The resolution going to be whatever it is going to be, the only difference is how much turmoil you'll suffer getting there.

Nothing is going to change unless you force the change, that means disrupting everything related to that affair and frankly her life. That is the only time you will see the truth both in the situation and your wife. Remember words are just words, truth lies in visible actions and reactions.

[This message edited by hardyfool at 1:12 PM, Tuesday, May 21st]

Kind of curious about your personality around family.

You mention working getting same remuneration as brother that "works half as much." (past) - I'm sure wife noticed and is ticked off about that.

You do a lion's share of household chores -

The general tone of your posts is more passive acceptance of 'the way things are' in your daily routines.

You have yet to expose her affair - so she gets to only have to "put up" with your <surly?> mood and life continues on basically same as before - other than she can't spend time with her paramour.

Several posters have prodded you to take positive action and you are still (my impression from your posts) being passive.

Expose AP to his significant other now.

Visit a divorce lawyer and find out what life will look like if you finally choke on your wife's rug-sweeping.
Get all the forms and whatever else you need filled in and documented.

Drop marriage counsel - waste of $$$ Main defect you are dealing with is wife's lack of honor of wedding vows. Assuming you are married with usual vows- Wife's integrity is missing a big chunk of what a good person will have.
This: "Spends 3 hours + cooking for a competition" - yet doesn't (usually?) cook for family? And you're OK with this situation?

Keep in mind that your 3 boys have noticed the "ice" in the air between you two and are taking note. Continuing the charade if "I'll be waiting in the wings for you when you get your cranium out of your posterior." - not much motivation for her to move towards proper reconciliation.

FWIW - I grew up in such an environment - it will warp your boys thinking and behavior.

one last - "Privacy" - in marriage that is, essentially, taking care of personal body functions. The fact you don't have something like life360 on your phones and each others passwords to everything - says you are way away from being 'married.'

Hippo - thanks for the insight. I no longer do any of the laundry, nor do I pick up after dinner, dishes etc. I set those boundaries when I came home after the DDay. I'm no longer going to try and do everything for her comfort, seeing she used that to pursue her selfish, self gratification. Life360 is on all our phones, and I have all the passwords to her email, facebook, social media, phone, etc. When she says she is going to be home - she needs to be home at that time. No "I need to finish a report" bull shit. Her printed labor schedule is attached to our calendar.

She has lost all compassion and patience from our friend's group. And we have been the best of friends for over 15 years. We would vacation with them, take respective "guys" trips and "girls" trips, and meet at least every other week for dinner and drinks. She has lost that entire support network, and they have been an overwhelming help to me during all of this. Non apologetically I will visit them throughout the week and weekends to get the hell away and get out of the "echo chamber" of our house. She understands what consequences will come if she crosses my boundaries set forth. I told her if she wants to fuck around, she's gonna find out.

Divorce lawyer has been retained, and I have been talking with her about a possible legal separation if my wife doesn't take responsibility sooner than later. My timeline for that is the end of June. If it's the same bullshit I am going to leave as painful as it will be to have more space to work on myself. I am fully committed to that personal boundary for me.

I'm also working on a mortgage refinance to pull some equity out of the house and pay off debt. Making any proceeding easier to get done.

When we open a dialogue at night, and it's just bullshit - I leave. I am not sleeping in the same bed with her until I know she has owned her shit. Only after that will I even attempt R.

I started off passive, but now I am pissed and detaching myself from her and her bullshit. And to take care of the kids I grab the boys to go fishing, hit golf-balls, go to a movie, etc. They need to be away from the shitshow too.

I firmly believe that some WSs have to really feel the consequences of their actions before they're able to pull their head out of their ass. If moving forward with D doesn't do it, well, at least you're saving yourself and getting out of infidelity.

You don't really need the VAR to see that she's still wayward. If she's not moving towards you, apologizing, owning her shit, distraught over how she's hurt you, afraid that she will lose you - she's still wayward. You don't need a VAR to tell you that. If you live somewhere where adultery can be used to your advantage in D, it might be worthwhile, though.

My advice is to proceed with D and see what happens. Why give her until the end of June to FA? Let her FO.

Glad for you after reading this post:

wjbrennan78 (original poster new member #84763) posted at 11:39 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2024

👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍