SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm in a very difficult situation. I'm really struggling.
Back in January My husband told me had a Month long affair with a woman he met, while she was on Vacation in Miami Beach,where we live. They met for drinks and they ended up sleeping together the first night.

She extended her stay and they continued the affair for just a little over a month.

My husband and I were in a good place, we were trying to start a family.

I didn't Even noticed there was a change in our relationship as in if he was having an affair. We were still very sexually active.

He was still very loving, but, I did notice around a week or so before he confessed to me that, he had become a little withdrawn as if something were bothering him.I would often catch him, spacing out, when I would ask him if everything was okay he would say everything was fine.

He became much more attached to me not wanting me to take a trip with friends, not wanting me to be far from him. My husband was always affectionate and loving, but he just seemed overly so, a lot more hugs a lot more.More kisses, wanting a lot more sex and buying whatever I wanted.
My husband told me that he had to get it off his chest. What he had done to me. He was sick with guilt. He felt absolutely terrible. He ended it with her.He said she has been calling and texting saying she's in love with him showing up at his job and apparently her family owns a house here in Miami Beach so she's free to stay for as long as she wants.

So there was no telling how long this woman would be in the picture.

He wanted to let me know that he was sorry that he was still in love with me and loved me. He was also changing his phone number. He said he has wanted to tell me for some time. He felt guilty after every time they slept together.

I'm not a fool fool. I told him what he did was absolute betrayal and I would never do anything like that to him and I asked him to leave. He did leave. He went to stay with his brother a few miles away. I told him I really needed to think about things. To leave me alone. I was in a relationship years ago, engaged and my ex-fiance cheated on me. I found out luckily before we walked down the aisle and I left him. So I do have some trust issues there.
My husband has been respectful out of my need for time and space. He often called to ask if I am okay that but he never pushed himself on me or pushed me to make a decision. It's been a few months now,I was very conflicted. Mind a mess, then I find out I'm pregnant. I didn't tell my husband anything.
A week ago this woman comes to my work and shows me a pregnancy test that she is pregnant with my husband's baby and she wants my husband to be with her and his child, she knows we're not living together, she says she is in love with him. She's having his baby. She demanded he take a paternity test. She had filed something in court demanding he take a paternity test which I did not know could happen before a child was born?!

Apparently it can happen, she is almost four months, right at the point enough DNA can be procured.

She seems crazy to me. She's stalking him, she's claiming she's madly in love with him, but he refuses to see her, because he wants me. She wants me to step away and take into consideration the baby. I do take the baby into consideration, I know the baby is the innocent one in all of this, and he/she deserves to have a father.
I'm just sick anxiety. I haven't had any face to face interaction with my husband. I travel a lot for work and so does he. Chat with him on the phone and I know he is in NYC for work and with family, I didn't tell him what I know or that this woman is trying to Serve him papers.
It's just so much to wrap my head around. The SHOCK that another woman is having my husband's baby and I am pregnant and the babies will be born around the same time. I'm not sure I should tell him I'm pregnant and maybe have an abortion or tell him, I want to divorce and move permanently to California, and have the baby secretly?
I know he is returning home to Miami this evening, he asked if he could stop by on his way from the airport to pick up a few things. I have a feeling he will be served at the airport?! The anticipation of what this evening may bring has me sick. I don't know what to do. That's why I'm reaching out for any advice. Help!!! I'm going crazy here!

First, breathe - you will be ok.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we recommend new members read. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources and includes the list of acronyms we use. There's a thread in the JFO (Just Found Out) forum for BSs (betrayed spouses) whose partner's A (affair) resulted in a child (OC - other child).

Just because she says she's pregnant doesn't mean she's pregnant. You can download all kinds of pictures on the internet these days and doctor them up. If she is pregnant, it doesn't mean that the child is your WH's (wayward husband's). Of course, there is a possibility it is true. They can do DNA tests at 7 weeks of pregnancy.

My husband was always affectionate and loving, but he just seemed overly so

This is called love bombing, and it can be very confusing to your emotions. Asking him to leave can help you sort out your thoughts without being distracted by emotions.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs because you don't want to have another reminder of your WH's A. If you're having issues with depression or anxiety, be sure to talk treatment options with your doctor.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. Bonus points if they also specialize with infidelity. Your WH needs IC to try to dig to find his whys and to work on becoming a safe partner. He should get the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Maybe this is a time for you to consider what you want to do. You will get all kinds of advice, so we also say to take what you need and leave the rest. The path out of infidelity is different for each of us, but we will share what has worked for us.

Congratulations on your baby and so sorry you have the rest of the mess to deal with at the same time.

Your situation is tragic and I am very sorry you have to endure this during what should be a joyous time. You'll get tons of advice from seasoned vets who are way smarter than me, but I would add this. Your WH took your agency away from you when he made unilateral decisions which affected his life. I think agency is critical, and so withholding information can really complicated matters for all parties concerned.

Again. So sorry for all of this...

Welcome to SI, you will get great help here from people that understand what you are going through. First, her being pregnant might not be true, she is trying to get you out of the picture so she can take over. None of this is your fault, he has made a mess and it is on him to clean it up. I wish you the best.

I am so sorry to welcome you here, but here is a good place to be in your circumstances. The Linda MacDonald book recommended above is a very good place to start, as it provides a recipe for what your WH must DO to show you he is on the road back to being a safe partner. He also needs IC to explore why he was open to making such a bad decision (which has nothing to do with you; it is something in him). His guilt and confession suggest he may be a good candidate for being a "Rebuilder," but only you can judge.

About your baby, only you can decide what to do; do not let anyone pressure you EITHER WAY!

About the OW, what she is doing cannot hurt you, because if your WH succumbs to that sort of pressure and manipulation, well that means he cannot be a good partner to you. Better to know that. You are doing the right thing by insisting on space and time for yourself; I think you know the "pick me" dance never works.

Is he home yet? Was he served?

Just stay in tough here and there will be many to help you.

Best,
Odonna

Hi, welcome to SI.

I hope you don't let this other woman take away the joy of your own child.

IF the woman is pregnant, it may not be your husband's baby. If she is, he has no obligation sadly other than to support the child. He created this mess, he should be the one to fix it.

She wants me to step away and take into consideration the baby.

^^^Not your circus, not your monkeys. WHY would she go to you first before informing your husband? She sounds like a bunny boiler, please be careful.

IMO you should have an honest conversation with your husband. He might need an attorney pronto, I think the best way forward is to be transparent not allow this woman to destroy both of your lives whether you stay together or not. It's apparent he wants nothing to do with her, is she that delusional that he will just run away into the sunset with her?

This woman is hell bent on destroying your life. She's in luurve just after a few weeks?

Infidelity sucks. It destroys our souls. One thing positive in your situation is your husband confessed and he is willing to give you the time and space you need. Most of us here found out about the A by accident, through our own discovery, or from someone who knew of the affair.

Thank You everyone for all the information and the comments/suggestions. I have a lot to think about. The resources given me here will be a great help.
My husband did just stop by, I don't believe he has been served. Generally he calls and says he is coming over to retrieve something, I usually get out of the way. I really feel I need to avoid him. I'm afraid of his reaction to my pregnancy if he were to find out.
Especially when he finds out about the paternity test. I have a gut feeling that the baby is his. She is a young woman, she was adamant on my understanding she didn't sleep around with men, she didn't know that he was married until he broke it off with her.
I feel like I need to get my ducks in a row and figure out what to do. This is going to make matters so much worse me being pregnant, his ex girlfriend being pregnant. Him financially supporting two women pregnant, at the same time. Healthcare for two seems so unrealistic.
I may not be thinking straight, but I keep telling myself that I should tell him, I can't forgive him. He's having a baby with a woman he barely knows. I want a divorce, I'm moving back to California, where I'm from. Just kind of disappear🤷🏻?! Have my baby and raise him/her on my own.
I can't watch my husband have another family. It is killing me to think about him fathering this baby. This is very confusing. I'm not showing yet, but when I start to, I can't let him ever see me! Or my in-laws see me. My family knows nothing so, I am alone in this.
Thankful for this forum to get everything off of my chest. I really appreciate the information and feedback. I feel a little less alone.

You need an attorney to file for child support. The one who files first gets the most $.

If you plan to move, do so before the birth of the child. As the father your STBXH has rights and can force you to stay where you currently live if he decides to fight you.

I am so sorry for you. You are not responsible for the OW or her child. If in fact she was lied to and did not know your STBXH was married when they met, she is in an awful position as well.

And both of you will be seeking $ from the same person. There is only so much to go around and sadly he may have two children to support.

Please also get good legal advice and counseling for yourself.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:17 AM, Saturday, April 20th]

so so sorry you were put in this difficult position. This stinks.

But please please lawyer up with the sharkiest shark in town. You need to fight for your child here. Don’t worry about him - he made his bed and he will have to deal with the consequences. But you need to look out for you and your child. As others have said, there is a big advantage to being the first one to file for child support, and you owe your child that.

He may also be so overwhelmed that he is easier to reach agreement with (legally binding agreement) while overwhelmed.

As for where you should live— if you have family that can support you in CA, then that makes sense.

Sending strength.

I would rethink your views on your husband carefully.

Is this the man you want to be involved with at some level for the rest of your life, who cheats while you are trying to start a family?

Worse, cheats without using protection, and risks your life and the life of any child you might be carrying?

True, most WS's don't use protection, but this cheating occurred at a particularly key point in your relationship.

What has/will he do at more difficult times. If you were not pregnant, I would unequivocally say RUN LIKE HELL.

I think the best advice, now that you are pregnant is still the same. I know exactly what I would tell my daughters if they were in the same situation.

I have been perusing the articles and the forums throughout. It's helpful so are all the advice and comments.
This is all very overwhelming I definitely feel my situation is imploding all around me.
I was awaken to my husband frantically ringing my doorbell, he had been served! This morning as he was heading out for his morning run. He has no idea I had this encounter with his AP.So he comes to me frantic and losing his shit basically. He was honest with me,he told me he wanted me to hear about this from him first. That she is pregnant. That she is demanding a paternity test.
We have spoken of her and the way the affair started. Today I really Dug in. I am so thankful for this forum, because I was able to ask the good questions, ones I didn't even know to ask before.
My husband is pretty certain that he did get her pregnant. He never brought up the subject of him being married. He met her, he admitted that he found her to be absolutely beautiful.He was lusting. The time he believes he got her pregnant,they indeed had unprotected sex.
He said he was feeling terrible about the affair, but he was selfish and physically attracted to her. She is absolutely beautiful. She models, she models in Miami for Swim Week and nightclubs.
She is "Young" she is 29. She's in love with him or so she thinks. He did say she started to say she was falling in love and he said he was trying to end it. She refused to let him go.
I believe my husband is being open and honest with me, he has never been a man with a wayward eye. That's why it hurts so much, because I truly trusted him, and he had never broken my trust or ever given me a reason to doubt his word or trust.
He was vulnerable with me. I know my husband. Maybe not as well as I thought, but we have been married for many years. We're in our 40s. I think he is going through a midlife crisis. The scale f what he has done, has really hit him. I can tell from his voice, his eyes, he looks miserable and it's not for show.
He says he would do anything to save our marriage,we were supposed to start a family. He says he could never be with this young woman. It was purely sexual and mentally she is very immature and delusional. She seems to have these grandiose ideas.
She knows my husband is wealthy, he comes from money, his family is known in the community. But that doesn't mean he will bankroll her lifestyle. But the baby will be taken care of. He made it clear he will take care of his responsibilities.
We do well, we're comfortable,but nowhere near the way he came up. Having two pregnant women and two babies would be overwhelming for him. I said nothing about my pregnancy. I have been listing lawyers in Miami Beach and Southern California. I think when I tell him I am going to go back to California, he's not going to be okay with it. So I am wise to not disclose my pregnancy. I'm of an age I don't have much time to get pregnant. If I choose to abort it would be hurtful, it took a while to get pregnant!
He was so eager to have a baby, and I think he would be against me aborting, I do say think, now he could have two pregnancy at once his feelings may have changed.
My plan is to Lawyer Up quickly and move. During our conversation this morning I gently told him I loved him. I always will, but this is so overwhelming and I don't think I can handle it. I tried to jokingly say that I am jealous and I don't want to share him with her.
I told him I think we should divorce.
I gave him a kiss and hug. He didn't respond quickly. He was deep in thought. I was shaking my heart is pounding so I let him be alone. I had to go collect myself.
Infidelity does tear lives apart. I feel broken and it sickening me to think about calling and telling my family that my marriage is over.
I'm so close with his parents and siblings and have so many nieces and nephews it kills me to think about never seeing them again. We're very close. We've been married for 20 years. This is a lot.
For us both.
Thank You to those encouraging me to seek a Lawyer. We have built a big life together. My husband definitely doesn't want a divorce. Before he left, he was begging for me to seek counseling, he was cornering me in our kitchen saying he would never let, me go. He refuses to lose me. He said he would rather die than not have me in his life. He told me it would destroy him and our family.
He said he takes all the blame. He was on his knees, arms wrapped around me in tears. I didn't push him. I didn't want him to do anything out of anger or being upset and hurting me and my baby. Now after this I will say I am terrified of him finding out about my pregnancy.
I may be wrong but I think if he knew he would become more possessive and aggressive and it may escalate. I don't know if he would hurt me. But today he wouldn't let me go and was squeezing me tight, I have bruises on my wrist from his grasp and the way he was grasping my neck wanting me to hear him out. I was intimidated. He's much bigger than me. He seems very desperate and adamant. It took forever to talk him down and get him to leave. He was wanting to make love to me and asking me why not when I was saying no! He seems so desperate to the point I wish I didn't say " divorce" He is behaving differently.
To talk him down to get his mind off of me. He at this point had me on the sofa and he was on top of me.I told him that he needed to get the paternity test today. He needs to go immediately. He backed off.
He said he was going. I told him to stop by with the results.I don't know if that is how it works?! I was scrambling to get him off of me, he was aggressive and forcing him self on me. My husband has never been that way to me. Everything is so foreign right now. I just pray I am safe.
I lost my friend to domestic violence recently. She was finally leaving her WAYWARD husband and he accidentally killed her in a fit of anger. I can't help but feel fear of my husband right now and I hate it. I'm walking on eggshells right now.
I appreciate this forum and the resources have been so helpful. Sorry for the novel. I just need to talk it helps with sorting out my mind. I'm still open for any sage advice. Thank You all so much🙏🏻

But today he wouldn't let me go and was squeezing me tight, I have bruises on my wrist from his grasp and the way he was grasping my neck wanting me to hear him out.

Run now, don't say anything, get on a plane tonight. Get to where you have some support and additional protection. File a restraining order if you can't leave.

I agree. Get away from him, the situation sounds volatile. Some space away would do you both good and hopefully you’ll have some support around you.

I agree. Your WH is acting aggressively and you need to protect yourself and your baby. Emotions run very high and even passive people can snap under such conditions. Is there any family who can shelter you or a woman’s shelter where you will be safe. If you can get on a plane to a safe place even better. Notify your attorney of his behavior. Be safe!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:45 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]

I agree your husband is desperate. Desperate enough to alter his normal behavior. He's taking his anger at himself on you.

He just got served, he needs to process this nightmare ahead of him. Actions have consequences, unfortunately cheaters don't understand until it's too late.

If you have family out of state, lean on them.

Again, please don't let your husband or his gold digger AP take away your one opportunity for the joy of motherhood!

I'm so so sorry he has done this to you.

Next time you meet him, meet in a public place so you don't feel so threatened. Maybe have a friend join you and just stay in the car or out of sight.

[This message edited by annb at 11:37 PM, Saturday, April 20th]

Photos of injuries with date and time stamp.
If you are unwilling to leave, like the next flight then you absolutely MUST file a restraining order. Make sure you feared for your safety, he trapped you with no escape type phrasing. People who tend to "not get approved " tend to soften the language of what is really happening, which is understandable but really the opposite if what you need to do right now.
I personally would file for a restraining order and get on the next flight out of there to where you want to be. When you land go straight to an attorney and find out your options and have a friend or loved one with you to help you sort it all. You are probably overwhelmed emotionally and physically right now. First pregnancy and all this....I cannot imagine.

Before you go take 50% put of any joint accounts, and all your necessary papers like birth and marriage certificates, passports, etc. Ship any valuables or memento that you absolutely want, leave like you are never returning because he is behaving in a way where it may be a very long time before it is safe to do so.
Oh and for goodness sakes if you are with him again before this happens please record it and do not be alone with him. He is unstable. If he messages you he is going to harm himself call 911. Don't try to talk him down or anything. Just get the professionals there. They will deal with it, could be real, could be manipulation, calling 911 documents how unstable he is. Which only gives your concerns more credibility.
I know it sucks to have to think like this but sister he has proven he isn't who you believed him to be. So make you and your baby priority number 1 from here on out.

OP, run. I don't say this lightly, especially when there are hints of violence involved. It always escalates. I say all bets are off once things become physical.

He sounds like he is just one hair away from snapping, and finding out about your pregnancy will be the trigger point. And if word of it gets out to his AP, I wouldn't put it past her to come after you too.

You are not safe. Please get somewhere where you can be.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 2:45 AM, Sunday, April 21st]

I know that everything is spiraling for you right now. Maybe even worse for your husband.

He is desperate. He is possibly coming unhinged. This may be too overwhelming for him to handle.

But you can't help that. He has created a situation that he never gave any real thought to. I believe that he is being painfully honest with you, in an odd way, out of respect. Once he saw the consequences falling down around him, he finally got an idea of some of the damage that he has really caused you. But unfortunately, being the wayward that he is, his wants and needs are superseding everyone else's....including your own. He simply can't accept the reality that he is losing/lost you.

This is why you need to be so very careful. He is a caged animal right now, and does not know how to regain his footing. The only thing predictable right now is his unpredictability. You should, at this time, not allow any further contact until you believe that he is safe to talk to. I agree with the others in that as out-of-character your husband's behavior/actions were this last time, he has shown you some of what he is capable of, when his world is falling apart. It would be very wise to have this altercation documented/reported.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I specifically remember a story similar to yours in where a woman, who was also pregnant and cheated on in a short affair by her husband, reacted VERY similar to your own husband in the way of forcing himself upon his betrayed wife almost totally out of desperation, when he discovered that his wife could not reconcile with him. To the best of my knowledge, he eventually got a grip on himself, but not until he did further damage to his wife and himself. You never know what one will do until they are put in such a situation.

Please take care. Please be careful.

Please please do not allow yourself to be alone with him ever again. All future meetings are in public or with someone else in your home.

Get your exit strategy together (if that is what you want) and get out.

When you leave, be very careful of giving your information to any one who may give it to him.

You may need to get a new cell # now. Start transferring your information to a new #. Then when you get to CA you get another #.

Stay off social media. Period. Shut down all of your accounts on all platforms.

And if you plan on asking for child support you will need to figure out how to co-parent. I’d suggest filing a domestic violence report against him to protect yourself.

He may demand a co-parenting schedule but you need to stand firm that he is to see the baby where you live — not where he lives. That baby should not be flying across the country just because he wants to see the baby.

Also when he finds out you are pregnant he is going yo possibly become more aggressive. He will feel it’s HIS child and that he can exert his wishes on you. He appears very desperate and desperate people do desperate things.

Be very careful and get an attorney ASAP.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:05 AM, Sunday, April 21st]

Geography might be a major factor here...
See you place your location as Southern California in your profile yet are married and living in Florida.
You have already mentioned sourcing lawyers in both states, as well as planning to reside in California in the (near) future.
As with all legal advice offered on this site: Take it with a really big spoonful of doubt and skepticism, but also with the acceptance that there might be a grain of truth in the ointment. My advice included...

Generally it’s predetermined that the husband is the father of a child born in wedlock. I even think that in some states that if another man is the father, it requires both the husband’s and the wife’s AND the OM approval to change paternity or even a law-suit. So, no matter where you have the child chances are your husband will be noted as the father even if you ask for it to be blank.
This will (probably) give him some rights, as well as (probably) some obligations. I don’t think your idea of sneaking away and keeping the birth a secret can realistically work, and won’t necessarily protect you if he later on discovers the birth and starts claiming his rights.

One of those rights MIGHT be that you don’t take the child out of state.
That MIGHT be determined by the state you file in...

Worst case scenario: You file, child is automatically determined his, he demands (as is his right) 50/50 custody, you are stuck in Florida for the next 18 years unless you are willing to compromise custody or find a way to move child between states on a regular parenting schedule.

My suggestion:
Consult with an attorney at the location you PLAN on being in: California.
Maybe you can move now (before the child is born). The attorney can tell you when you can file and if you need to reside in CA for some time before filing. The attorney can also outline the parenting factor, possible child support and all that.
I suggest you do not wait. The sooner the better.

I also in the strongest words possible suggest you have the present injuries documented.
Either go to an ER, phone your local police department or if in any doubt phone an abuse hotline.
Very often a judge will be sympathetic to one party in a dispute, but has to follow the letter of the law. A legit report that indicates you were facing physical violence can go a long way in allowing – say – a judge to decide that you CAN have California as your prime-residence for the child, and it’s then his dad’s obligation to come there for visitation.

Finally: The OW can claim it’s your husband that is the dad, but it requires either his acceptance at time-of-birth or a legal settlement.