SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I never in a million years thought I would be in this terrible soul crushing situation. I am in a never ending nightmare that is now my life. I am 42 years married but with him 52 years. WH was my first love since I was 17. Before we married we got pregnant when I was 18 after I left home to get away from an alcoholic father and stepmother. My mother had abandoned us for a man in the US when I was 12 and my sister was 8 and moved there. WH said he was too young to be a father but wanted to raise our child together.

The first cheating started when our child was about 2 and a half, maybe sooner I’m not sure. There were several I found out about and probably more I never knew. I stupidly forgave him as I was young and afraid of him abandoning me like my mother. One of the sluts was the best friend of his sister who always had a crush on him. She had also slept with his brother first, then WH, then had an affair with a married man later on I heard and got pregnant. POS SIL was the one who facilitated the hookups and she was happy her brother and friend "found" each other. 🤮 This was all behind my back while SIL pretending to be my friend. Bottom line is he left to stay with his brother in another province "to find himself". He soon moved one of his bottom feeder sluts into a place out there for about 3 months then she left him. He was gone 2 and a half years.

The next thing I know WH says he wants to come home. Says he’s so sorry for everything and that he loves me and wants us to start over by moving far away from all the things and people who interfered in our lives, especially his interfering sister. Apologized profusely for his "stupidity and immaturity". I was young and dumb so I took a leap of faith and said okay as long as we left the bullsh*t behind for good. He was totally okay with that and we went out west. Eventually got jobs, married a year later and had 42 years of what I thought was a good marriage. Never once did I bring up the past and he was honestly a trustworthy and loving person. I never doubted him ever. I inherited some money when my dad and stepmother passed away and I never hesitated to pay off our mortgage and do repairs needed to the house. I was happy to do it.

Since COVID our lives have been affected in ways I never dreamed of. In 2020 I had a knee replacement and found out I had breast cancer the same week. I had six surgeries including a mastectomy. To say the least I was under tremendous stress. Right when I had my last surgery in 2022 WH was diagnosed with prostate cancer and began radiation and hormone therapy treatment. That was worse than my situation as the hormone suppression left him a miserable emotional wreck. He cried at everything and no matter what I did he either yelled at me, told me to leave him alone or cried. I asked him to call his doctor or a therapist but he refused.

He told me he wanted to make up with his estranged sister. They had never really been close since we moved out here 44 years ago but had a terrible fight when their mother died. Hadn’t spoken in 13 years.

He bought a ticket and I was perfectly happy for him to go visit. When he came home I felt something was off right away. He started hiding his phone and turned off the ringer. WH started criticizing me for every little thing and would fly into rages at me calling me selfish and saying he blamed me for "dragging" him out here because he hates it. The hormonal swings escalated. On New Year’s Day 2023 I got a notification on our joint email that said his cell phone plan was changed and they needed confirmation. News to me, he never said anything about it. I thought it was a scam or something so I signed onto the cell phone account and was shocked to see hundreds of texts back and forth to a phone number in the US. I always kept track of a few of the pond scum sluts he had cheated with before we moved here. I don’t know why, maybe just to keep that knowledge to myself, maybe to be on guard. I knew phone numbers, addresses, spouses and children, jobs, etc. I knew this phone number. It was the POS SILs friend he had slept with behind my back all those years ago. She was married with adult children.

I confronted him first thing in the morning. He said "Yeah so what? My sister and I started talking about her and she gave me her phone number." I was furious and WH said why are you so mad? I told him I knew he had slept with her behind my back all those years ago when we were living together with a child. Asshole WH said "so what, we weren’t married at the time". I kept crying and saying he had no reason to contact her after 43 years and that’s when he turned my life upside down. WH said "we were in love and I had to make a really hard choice between her and you and our child. I didn’t want our daughter to grow up without a father like I did." Well hell, let me give you a statue and a medal for your supreme sacrifice. Better yet let’s have a ticker tape parade for the long suffering hero! I said you’re telling me you lied to my face saying you loved me back then and he said yes and they started sleeping together as soon as he came back. Well thank you for 44 years of deceit and lies and ruining my need for a peaceful and happy retirement after all our illnesses and suffering. WH says "I don’t care if you’re upset or hurting because she’s my special dear friend, more than a friend really and will always have a piece of my heart. I may even still be in love with her but in a different way." What way is that you heartless pr*ck? She was a child back then so how the f*ck are you that delusional to think it was some great love affair. It’s a fantasy in your mind you’re trying to recreate. Hormones in full swing now.

WH also said he had no intention of stopping texting her as he likes talking to her and it’s only harmless texts. She is all in too. He arrogantly flaunts it in my face by texting her all hours of the day and reserves between 8 and 10 at night to run to the garage to text with her after her husband is in bed. Phone was always hidden, in pockets, never left out of sight. As soon as I left the room it started up. I cried every day and tried to make him see how foolish this is and how it hurt me but he won’t stop. I am a mental and physical wreck because of it. WH keeps gaslighting me saying we’re "just friends talking". Bullshit you show me the phone but it’s blatantly obvious most of the texts have been deleted. Cell phone account says 200 texts in one day but when WH shows me there are only 10 left that day. He deleted the rest. WH says I would "misunderstand some of the things they said". She has a sick adult son and In the middle of all this he dies. Oh, now you’re the shoulder to cry on for your grieving friend. You don’t know them, who do you think you are! My mother also died and all he did was sit on the bed and say sorry then walked away. AP gets hundreds of heartfelt consoling texts and I get nothing.

Weeks of torment and arrogant behaviour. So mean and critical all the time. WH says I’m what’s wrong, he’s not doing anything wrong and I don’t trust him. Ya think? You deceived, disrespected, betrayed, hurt, broke our decision not to bring anything from the past. Destroyed me and our marriage, my hope for the future, my happiness and my security in our relationship. Refuse to acknowledge this is an EA despite all the classic behaviours. Oh my god you are the king of the gaslighters and blame shifters. I tell WH this insanity has to stop. Constantly bringing up stupid things that happened 30,40 or 50 years ago and throwing them in my face now. Resentments he had but never mentioned before. Oh yes and called me selfish, the one who gladly pays for half of everything we buy like cars, furniture and who paid off the mortgage and repairs when I inherited money. Who worked her ass off so we could be comfortable in our retirement.

Suddenly after thousands of texts (more than 2900) and 2 months and 10 days of torturing me it all stops. I’m not a fool there’s probably a burner or an internet app now being used. I have had to tell a few trusted family and friends about all this and they are in disbelief. Can’t believe the kind and caring WH they know could ever do this to me. He lies to our daughter twice when she asks him what’s wrong with mom. Finally he tells her how he just called an old friend and I am jealous. Really I have never been jealous of any of his work lady friends and never had reason to be. Asshole WH says "Oh well she’ll get over it".

Been relatively calm for months now. No direct texts but some every day to SIL. Probably passing messages to AP. WH denies this. Told our daughter he finally stopped texting in March 2023 because it was too upsetting for me. Really? You didn’t seem to care for 2 plus months so why all of a sudden, and never told me. Wouldn’t that be the logical thing to do . I don’t believe you, APs clueless husband must have caught her or like I suspect a burner or app is being used. I am so tempted to call OB but decided to wait as they lost their son and disclosure may be too much for him.

There are no conversations about it as WH vehemently denies anything other than they were "just friends" and gets wildly defensive. I cry every single day at WH apathy and willingness to crush my heart. He half heartedly tells me he loves me but only when asked or prompted. He continues to hide things from me like sending Christmas and birthday cards and gift cards to SIL families from just him and not signing my name and hiding the receipt and paying out of his savings account. Getting cards from them addressed only to him, not me and he doesn’t have my back or the balls to stand up to them on my behalf because they are in on his dirty little secret and you all got caught.

WH tells me after some prodding he is not communicating with AP in any way, even through his sister. Wonders why I don’t believe him. Don’t know what to do as I have sick feeling this EA is not over. Asked him to promise me he would never, ever contact her again no matter what and he said.

He told our daughter it ended because it was hurtful to me but he has forgotten that and now says he told AP it had to stop because "things were getting too messed up". WTF does that mean? Still insisting it was all innocent even when he sneaked, deceived, disrespected me and lied and deleted things.

So now I am in a place I never wanted or thought I would be in. WH will not admit to the EA or that contacting her in the first place was even wrong. Either he is a moron or he thinks I am one. Any attempt to discuss it rationally ends in him yelling at me, stomping out or trying to bully me into thinking it’s all AOK. I know this is emotional abuse. At this point I don’t know how to handle this. I am partially disabled so trying to get out to see a therapist would be hard. I have some good friends and family I have confided in and they are horrified at this whole damn mess he has created. SIL probably still facilitating contact with AP i know as she did it back in the Seventies and couldn’t wait to interfere again. I just need to get this out and know that others understand. Not sure of what I want to do yet.

That’s a terrible story. I’m really sorry for everything you’ve been through and are still going through. I don’t see what you have to work with here. He is selfish, entitled and unrepentant. I think you should meet with lawyers and see what divorce looks like for you. I would also think about telling the OW’s husband so he knows what is going on.

Your husband is a monster, I think you would be better off without him.

If I lived near you I would give you a big hug. And your idiot husband would get a smack upside tge head lol.

First you have been lied to, cheated on and disrespected by your husband. He is acting the way he is by continuing the affair and making it seem like you are the problem.

That is very typical cheater behavior. Here at SI we jokingly refer to a non-existent Cheater’s handbook because there is some very typical and predictable behavior seen from cheaters.

Unfortunately you are witnessing the worst of it.

My cheating H was exactly your husband. Two affairs (that I know of) and my H was denying the affair, saying they were friendships, making me out to be jealous and ridiculous, etc. His last mid life crisis affair WS the turning point for us. He was planning to kick me to the curb for the OW (other woman).

What changed for me was my decision to finally stop letting him dictate our life together. I finally decided to D him and move forward without him.

I decided my happiness was more important than living with a lying cheating jerk. Somehow we have been able to reconcile but only because he has stopped cheating and disrespecting me.

My H is very sorry for his behavior and has spent the last 10 years as a really great husband. I did not use the D as a threat. I had every intention of D him.

I think you should start ti get together an exit strategy for yourself. Finances, attorney or mediator, housing, etc. all should be planned for you and kids (if they still live at home).

You are not alone. We are here to support you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:19 AM, Saturday, April 20th]

I am so sorry you are here. Sounds like your husband has shown you who he is.

Get IC, if the first one isn't a fit try another. See an attorney, get your finances in order, protect you and your child.

Hang in there.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you have a reason to join us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources and includes the list of acronyms we use.

You don't have to decide what to do today. Sometimes, just getting out of bed can be an accomplishment.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. What is important is finding a counselor who is a good fit for you. Many mental health providers are conducting visits through telehealth, so that may be an option for you.

There's a book called Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass that may be helpful for you. He doesn't sound remorseful at all, and there isn't much to work with there.

Thank you jayjaynumb,The 1st Wife, trusted and leafields. You are correct I have little to work with here. I am trying to discover why there was such a personality change and it all coincided with the cancer treatment. It was like a switch went off in in his head and he just decided "screw it, I may die so I am going to say and do whatever I feel like no matter who I hurt". He even said he decided not to listen to anyone anymore who tried to make him do anything he didn’t want to. Guess that meant me trying to make him see reason in this issue. I see on this forum that there is mostly remorse of some kind from the WS when caught and compassion and empathy for the BS. Not here. His blatant arrogance and self righteous attitude are frightening to me. He was not like that for 44 years. This EA texting happened January 1 to March 10, 2023. Then it stopped, probably went underground. I have no way to tell yet but keep looking. He has been acting quite normally now but totally ignoring the A. He still does hide things and do passive aggressive things. One was he got a passport without telling me then tried to dismiss it by saying he thought everyone should have one. Also we have been using our birthday numbers on the lotto for over 40 years. When I went to check the tickets last year found he had replaced my birthday with hers on three months worth. He didn’t know I knew her birthday and tried to tell me it was a "random" number that popped into his head. So I continue to deal with the utter madness and wait for the next shoe to drop. I am not living, I am only existing.

Here is a suggestion. As long as he lies and chests, stop being his wife.

You can read up on the 180 in the healing library here at SI.

It is not meant to stop his cheating, but is meant to put somewhat of a wall in place.

I stopped doing everything and anything for my cheating husband after dday2. I only ate meals with him if the kids were home. Otherwise I made my dinner and not his. I did not do his laundry (11 years later I still don’t 😂) and did not do favors or errands. I basically ignored him unless the kids were around.

The distance helped me to begin to heal.

I hope this helps you.

Thank you The1stWife I will refer to the 180. I tried detaching myself and it sort of backfired. He said "two can play that game" and refused to take me to appointments, grocery shopping, etc. I am partiallly disabled and don’t drive so made things more intolerable. Did and relatives don’t live in same city so I was stuck.

Also tried as suggested by some to write a letter with my feelings and fears. He found it and said he didn’t care what I felt or thought. So there you have it.

Fractured

One thing I recognize in myself and think is VERY common with us when dealing with infidelity is a sense that we don’t have options.

See my tagline?
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone."

I truly believe that sentence. I truly believe that if we aren’t happy where we are then it’s up to US to change it. That change COULD possibly change your husband and your marriage, but the key factor remains that WE have to make changes to create a situation where we are happy.
Only don’t look at "happy" in the traditional sense of the word. I’m not thinking cake and balloons, but more the concept of content. If you were to make changes it won’t necessarily make you "happy", but it might make you less unhappy. From there you can move to even less unhappy. Gradually making your way to content – and happy.

You HAVE options. Those options range from accepting your husband has his side-hustles. After all it’s apparent that after all this time with his AP he isn’t going to leave you. You could turn a blind eye to his meandering. This is something lots of women over the centuries have had to accept and it works for some. There is a well known photo of a former president of France funeral procession with his wife and kids following the hearse, with his mistress and child about 10 feet behind... Personally I couldn’t accept this, but that ME in MY situation. What you can accept might be totally different.

Another option could be to separate or divorce. I know it sounds frightening, but I encourage you 100% to learn what that process would really be like. I am fairly certain that knowledge would alleviate most of your fears. Ask around, check with an attorney, phone a helpline... Information is power.

You mention your disabilities...
Please – for your own empowerment – What services are open to you? Like could you do most of your grocery-shopping online? Does your community offer services like home-help, shuttle-services, subsidized appartments suited for your disability?
This is another part where knowledge is power.

Look – If you were to realize that divorce would leave you financially capable of single-life, that services and changes would enable you a decent life in a decent home, free of infidelity...
THAT could make your husband realize that he no longer holds the reins. That YOU can decide what YOU accept and where YOU want to be.
That in turn might make him realize that his actions aren’t acceptable, and that he needs to change if he wants to remain with you in his life.

You have options. Never accept being a victim or a prisoner of your situation.

I am so so sorry OP. Really I am. That is a horrific story. Bigger said most of what I was going to say. Just one more thing I thought of - can you do IC online? A lot of therapists are offering that now and it might help you get some clarity.

Also, I think your DD is in a different city? Can you go visit her for a bit? Or a friend in a different city perhaps? Some space from him might help you. You don’t have to relate it to his cheating, you can just say you are going on a visit. But it just might give you a physical break from the enormous stress that you are under.

His blatant arrogance and self righteous attitude are frightening to me. He was not like that for 44 years.

I'm not defending him in any way, I want to make that clear.

Some men do not handle hormone suppression very well. Cognitive issues, behavior, changes, etc. Other men don't seem to even have any side effects. I know someone who's going through this currently, his meds don't seem to be bothering him at all, like he's not even getting them, and his testosterone dropped to zero from a healthy normal level.

I've known other men who became so emotionally labile that they stopped the medications.

You might want to call a pause, go in to a doctor together.

OTOH, his underlying behavior patterns may be the problem more than the hormone alterations.

I am so sorry you are here. I wanted to first comment on this:

I tried detaching myself and it sort of backfired. He said "two can play that game" and refused to take me to appointments, grocery shopping, etc. I am partiallly disabled and don’t drive so made things more intolerable.

The 180 is NOT a tool to get your WS to bend to your wishes or otherwise stop their behavior. IF that is what you are after it will not work - in fact, nothing will. You cannot control the outcome. The 180 is for you to give yourself some space. In that time I suggest that you come up with a way to get yourself out of this mess - a plan to leave. You may or may not execute that plan but the biggest mistake I made was to not to this from the get go - it cost me 2 years of addition financial planning to make that happen for me. Start figuring out what you would need to be on your own - start making financial plans. You indicated you are partially disabled - what would you do in the event he were to pass away or leave? Plan like you know that will happen. But yourself in a position of strength to take care of you.

As to why the texting stopped. There could be a burner phone. Could be that AP got caught by her spouse and cut things off. Could be for a million reasons...but you are right in thinking that it is not likely because he felt bad for you. Is it possible? Sure. But IMO not likely...but the fact is your WS has a lot of work to do on himself and you can't make him do it no matter how hard you try.

Your strength - via the 180 and PLANNING - will make you feel better in the long run. I promise.

He cheats and then refuses to help you get to appointments with docs? That's unconscionable, IMO.

Please, please, please look for the resources that will enable you to live without his support. He is simply unreliable.

Perdita1. Just one more thing I thought of - can you do IC online? A lot of therapists are offering that now and it might help you get some clarity.

Yes I am looking into this option. Trying to find resources up here that are covered by seniors health plans are harder than it looks.

Bigger. You have options. Never accept being a victim or a prisoner of your situation.

Yes thank you. I am exploring my options as at the present time there is no admission, remorse or truth telling. I realize everyone here is in a different situation unique to them. What is acceptable for one is not for another. I know this A will eat at me forever and I don’t know if I could ever let it go. On the positive side, there are a couple of things I am doing. One is that he hates tattoos and I have always wanted one so I am going to. Secondly I inherited money from my mom’s estate. I put it in the bank and will not discuss it with him. Up here inherited money is not community property and belongs only to the heir.

Standing here. OTOH, his underlying behavior patterns may be the problem more than the hormone alterations.

I think this is a combination of both hormone deprivation and his behaviours. He is all done the therapy for now and there is a marked difference in his emotional state.

Thisissolonely. Your strength - via the 180 and PLANNING - will make you feel better in the long run. I promise.

I have started planning. My daughter has said I could come live with her but I don’t want to impose if it comes to that point. I worked too damn hard and went without for years to get where I am. I am not willing to give up a house I paid for. With my inheritances I think financially I may be okay.

Sisoon. He cheats and then refuses to help you get to appointments with docs? That's unconscionable, IMO.

That was short lived. He has gone back to acting normally and taking me wherever I want to go. One of my biggest regrets was not learning to drive. Do you think at age 70 it’s too late?

Sorry for my late replies. And also for not knowing how to highlight the excerpts from posters.

My exWW also seemed to change overnight. I couldn’t believe it, it was almost like she was possessed by an evil spirit. The way she treated me contributed to my going in the nuthouse. Then after in false R I knew I had to get away from her at all costs.

I’ve stopped trying to diagnose her. The important thing is she’s horrible so I don’t want to know her. Maybe she was always like that and hid it well.

Some thoughts: one, if you have a little extra money, can you use Uber or the like? And second, have you spoken with an attorney? Also if you have the funds, you could live near, not with, your sister, and benefit from her support without feeling like you are imposing.

There are a lot of people whose hormones have been turned upside down for one reason or another, who continue to be civilized human beings. He is SO out of line.

I think this is a horrible, horrible story, and I hope you can extricate yourself from it.

What do YOU think about learning to drive?

IMO, a driver needs to have a good sense of where they and their car are in space,

they need to have reflexes that allow responding to unexpected situations, and

they need to be able to move with traffic below the speed limit (in urban and suburban traffic) and at the speed limit when traffic flows.

Also, if you have to move at the speed limit, you need to be able to manage fear when the so-and-sos who want to go faster get annoyed with you.

What else does a driver need? (Genuine question....)

If getting your DL means getting a 2nd car, too, it'll be cheaper to use a taxi.