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Newest Member: cobblerock

Divorce/Separation :
still suffering

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Wool (original poster new member #58578) posted at 8:10 PM on Tuesday, March 19th, 2024

Divorce was final January 25. Three days later he brought his 33 year old girlfriend to our daughters ballgame. (he is 56) Girlfriend has a 5 year old. I am outraged how he could do this to our daughter her senior year. He has ruined her year and put so much stress on her. We have been married 34 years and this was the 5th affair. I think he is mental. We also have a 32 year old son who pulled him out of the game to tell him it was not appropriate for her to be at his game. He barely sees his kids. He was never much of a father but I never imagined this. Even tells me he is close to God now after all he had done. He is currently living with his girlfriend and my kids have never even been told where he lives. He goes to dinner once a week with our daughter. Didn't see them at Thanksgiving and barely saw her at Christmas but then went on a cruise with his new family. I wake up mad and go to sleep mad. I just wonder when all this will get better.

posts: 9   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2017
id 8829601
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cedarwoods ( member #82760) posted at 8:20 PM on Tuesday, March 19th, 2024

Oh my goodness this is so so terrible!!!! I am so very sorry you and your children had to endure this kind of "abuse"
He says he is closer to God?? Is he a "believer?"

posts: 211   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8829603
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:26 AM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2024

So sorry he's being such a dumbass.

You will feel better. It took me some time after the D was final to do some grieving.

Will he get better? He's 56 and it sounds like he's thinking only of himself. BTW, he should do a study on the word fornication.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8829662
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 3:04 AM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2024

What a selfish jerk. All show and no substance. What a maroon.

It gets better as you get more distance from him. At events, in your mind, he does not exist.
Other times, basically keep contact with him to a minimum and use an app or texting/email only.
And take care of you and your kids. It takes time, but it does get easier.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6059   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8829666
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 Wool (original poster new member #58578) posted at 7:06 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2024

Thank you all for the comments. It is just so hard what my daughter is going through right now. I believed all along he was a Christian. Yes, he did cheat all those times (and there is alot more I am finding out) but he still said he was a Christian and we went to church. When all this last time went down he was on the finance committee and other committees at church. So I thought maybe he just treated me this way. Maybe it was me. But when I see how he is doing his kids I think not only is he mental (narcissistic maybe) but also has let satan in and has been turned over to a depraved mind. (not knowing right from wrong) when he left me he started a new church with his girlfriend. They sat in church together while he was still married to me. He said he didn't think there was anything wrong with it. And also told our daughter he wanted to introduce her to his girlfriend when the time was right while we were still married. He thinks he is a good dad and always was to our son because he coached his baseball team and worked with him on baseball. My son said he never felt his dad cared for him and was very hard on him in sports. My son now thinks he has to be perfect when he plays a sport (he as broken golf clubs) because if it is not perfect it is not good enough. I had someone tell me today that everyone who ever played ball with my son always felt bad for him because of how his dad treated him. My ex also complains and whines about how he was treated as a child. He can't stand his mom...gave up working at his dad's construction company in his 20s because his dad was too hard to work for. You would think if he had such a bad time a in his childhood he would be better to his kids. We had it out yesterday. we have not even spoken in a long while, but I called to tell him our daughter was stressed and having a hard time and to please not mention his "new family" to her and upset her. He said he told her he was living with the girlfriend and if she wanted to come over to get help with homework or whatever!!! I said she is not going over there! I spoke to my son later and he said his dad never told him where he was living. My son said you all told me it was wrong to live with someone like that. (sorry if I am stepping on toes but that is our believe...or mine). when he had one of his affairs, he later told me the girl did not have any morals (what???!!! and you do) and that she didn't care that her kids lived with someone. Look at him now. And yes, he thinks he is close to God. If you are a Christian, you probably know what I mean by a depraved mine. After repeated sins God turns you over to it so you don't know wrong from right. we were together since I was 15. I did try to leave before and he would beg and cry and manipulate me to stay. And I never wanted my kids to be from a divorced family. I didn't want them going back and forth. I am glad now I didn't because no telling what they would have been surrounded by. It is just very hard right now. And yes, he was very proud of the fact when he told me he was going to be selfish for once (ha ha) and not care what church, parents or anyone thought. He also told me he likes kids (because GF has a 5 year old) and would have adopted more if I would have. He never did a thing besides sports for our kids. No doctors, no school, no sick, no drop offs or pick ups. So of course he would have adopted more....he never did anything. I am ranting I know. Thank you for listening and taking time to report. I appreciate it.

posts: 9   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2017
id 8829778
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 7:35 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2024

I've bumped the thread "Stay no contact" so you can post what you'd like to say to him, but it will allow you to stay NC.

I'm sorry that he's being such a jerk.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8829786
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 8:00 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2024

I wake up mad and go to sleep mad. I just wonder when all this will get better.

I get it. I truly do.

But, here is your 2x4: It has gotten better for you. You are out of that marriage, out of infidelity. Focus on that. He's not your monkey, not your circus.

I am sorry that he is a shitty father. That's not a reflection of you. It's really neither your fault nor your responsibility either. About the best that you can do is talk to your children and remind them that his shitty parenting is not their fault or responsibility either. And, you can talk to them about setting boundaries. But, honestly, that's about it.

And it's okay to be mad.

Me: Crap, I'm 50 years old. D-Day: August 30, 2016. Two years of false reconciliation. Divorce final: Feb 1, 2021. Re-married: December 3, 2022.

posts: 5419   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8829794
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Ragn3rK1n ( member #84340) posted at 9:05 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2024

Wool

Please rant away and no need to apologize. Your husband’s actions betray some narcissistic tendencies. The good news is that you are now free from his infidelity. Focus on being the one good parent to your kids.

BH (late 40s), fWW (mid 40s), M ~18 years, T ~22 years
DDay was ~15 years ago.
Informally separated for ~2 years and then reconciled and moved on. Have two amazing kiddos now.

posts: 131   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2024   ·   location: USA
id 8829806
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 Wool (original poster new member #58578) posted at 10:46 PM on Wednesday, March 20th, 2024

Leafields, I have not posted much on here so I don’t understand what you mean you bumped the "no contact" so I can post about him. What does that mean. Sorry

posts: 9   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2017
id 8829831
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:46 PM on Saturday, March 23rd, 2024

Hi, Wool, bumped the no contact means she brought the No Contact thread up to the top of this forum so you could read it or post on it. I'm sure it will be helpful to your situation. IMO the point is to stay No Contact with your ex as much as possible, it's healthy for your emotional well-being and sanity.

Your husband's actions are just cruel, and pretty soon your daughter will be old enough to make the choice about seeing her dad.

My neighbor/friend's husband had an affair about ten years ago. Her two daughters at the time were about 13 and 17 years old.

Her husband left her for a woman who had a daughter about 4 years old at the time. This OW (who happens to be a clinical psychologist rolleyes who you would think would know better), continuously posted pictures on Facebook of the WH and the OW and 4-year old taking trips to Disney, the beach, pumpkin picking, and so many other activities they shared while the WH rarely saw his own daughters.

Her 13-year old was extremely close with her dad, and one day he was gone and absent from her life, the 13-year old was just tossed and so lost.

Some people are just self-centered and don't care how their actions affect others.

Focus on being the best mom you can be, I'm so sorry your husband is insensitive to put it mildly. mad

[This message edited by annb at 9:26 PM, Saturday, March 23rd]

posts: 12178   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8830468
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:09 AM on Monday, March 25th, 2024

Gotta love the hypocrisy 😡😡 of this terrible situation. (Sarcasm)

He’s not and never was a Christian. Sorry but it irks me when people play the "Christian" card.

FWIW you are talking to him as though he cares about you & kids. He doesn’t unfortunately. It may feel good to unload your anger at him but I think it has the opposite effect— it just adds more pain to your situation and you.

I hope your daughter is getting some professional support.

I hope your daughter understands that she is dealing with a person who has some serious issues. Adults who just abandon their families/kids like your XH are just garbage. No child deserves that. A marriage or divorce has nothing to do with being a parent. (Please note I am not talking about situations where parental alienation occurs).

I hope your family can heal and out this in the rear view mirror someday. You deserve happiness.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13970   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8830641
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 10:09 PM on Monday, March 25th, 2024

Anytime, I read something like this. The first thing that comes to mind is that your ex is so immature and lives so much on the surface of life that his ability to love deeply is just not there. He’s missing whatever it takes to make an adult. He’s with a 33 year old because he’s about 12. And I mean that truly. His emotional growth stopped just about at puberty. He looks like an adult and occasionally sounds like an adult but his behaviors over the years have shown you that he is nowhere near that. It is amazing to me how often people like this get away with it and it’s because no one ever says no to them. You can now say no, and your children can say no, by having nothing to do with him. You can take the power back from him, and his behavior, simply by going no contact. Your children can choose that or not. If they hope that their father is going to grow up at 57 they need to get real with themselves. That’s not going to happen .

I am appalled for you and send you hugs. Once you are truly no contact your life will improve measurably.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4274   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8830727
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 5:53 PM on Tuesday, March 26th, 2024

And yes, he was very proud of the fact when he told me he was going to be selfish for once (ha ha) and not care what church, parents or anyone thought.

This line really got me, exactly conveys my wife’s perspective. She feels that her job is to become MORE selfish after her three year bender of utterly selfish behavior. The hard truth is they DO need to become more selfish in some areas (like boundary setting), but on the whole they need to become way the fuck less self focused.

So sorry you are dealing with this. Peace and strength to you.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2185   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8830830
Topic is Sleeping.
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