SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all. XWH and I are entering a legal phase where custody of our child is up in the air again. I currently have full physical/legal custody while XWH gets supervised visits. The custody has been labeled "temporary" over the past two years because evey time it was about to become permanent my ex would request it be slightly altered (move days, add/move hours, etc) making it a "new" temporary order. The current temporary custody was about to become permanent last month when XWH decided that -instead of supervised visits - he wants 50/50 custody with no supervision.

XWH's lawyer is deposing me before we head into court. I am in contact with my lawyer and will be talking to her about what I will legally need to prepare for deposition. My primary questions for SI are: "what should I expect going into this?" and "how to keep calm?"

Thank you!

Hi Kanashii,

I don't have any advise for you, but I wanted you to know you've been heard.
Is there a reason he had supervised visits?

How old are the kids?

@nomudnolotus: the reason for supervised visits was XWH's mental health. He had extreme suicidal ideation and was self harming. He is still supervised due to being diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder and is in therapy several times a week for it.

@HellFire: Our child is 6 years old.

It seems like it wouldn't be safe for your child to be with him unsupervised?

@nomudnolotus: That's why I ask about the keeping calm during the deposition. I've no idea about how safe XWH is with his diagnosis without supervision as he does not communicate with me about his health. I know XWH has good and bad days, and that he's supposedly not self harming anymore. I never know which personality he will be fronting when interacting with him. XWH interacts with our son as many of these different personalities. He expects us to recognize which one he is fronting as from what voice/accent changes he's using. I've found XWH asking our son if he remembers what he (son) and "name of one of XWH's many personalities" talked about the other day. I do not have an exact count of how many personalities there are in there, but know that he has as at least 20+ different personalities with their own names.

XWH and his lawyer are pushing for me to agree to 50/50 and not have the case brought in to court. His lawyer has said she wants custody back to where it was before we separated, but I can honestly say that XWH was NOTHING like this prior to our separation for divorce.

Have you talked with your lawyer about this? Just because they want it, doesn't mean they get it. I remember one user here had to have a psychiatric evaluation, is that a possible thing? Like you think he would have to prove that he can be safe, and I don't understand how that's even possible with so many different personalities?

Do you know why they are pushing for 50/50 custody? Is it because of financial aspects?

I have spoken with my lawyer about it. She thinks that XWH is not telling his lawyer the whole truth or she does not really understand what's going on with his diagnosis. He can be very charming and affable to those he wants to impress. That's what worries me, that he will put on a good front long enough for an examination and hide all of the things he's doing.

As to why he's going for 50/50 custody, I don't know if XWH actually knows what custody entails. He does not really follow the current custody schedule and usually refuses to do anything other than play with our son during his times. XWH has refused to read to our son, help with homework, help with health related issues, and many other things during supervised visits because he just "wants to have fun with him in the little time he has." XWH's mother or his siblings are the ones usually feeding or helping my son with things during supervised visits. XWH's idea of a good split arrangment is our child going between houses every other day - which his lawyer wrote up as a suggestion as it meshes well with his work schedule. He did not and does not talk to me about our son's school schedule, doctors appointments, or anything that a parent actually pays attention to.

When I refused to accept his proprosed schedule he tried to convince me to agree by saying custody is a "trust fall" exercise (i.e. trust he had our son's best interest at heart), and he said I was getting too caught up in the details of days/times of custody. My lawyer knows all of that too.

I'm sorry Kanashii, this sounds like an awful situation for both you and your son.

I really hope there is some way for you to show the courts that he cannot do this. Just keep documenting everything he does and says and does, and hopefully you can bring the history of his diagnosis to court as well.

I have been involved in several depositions in my life and my divorce went to trial.

The most important thing is to listen to the questions and think carefully before speaking. I had an "expert witness" at my trial (he was an accountant) and he was fantastic at testifying. He would make eye contact with the attorney asking him a question. He then waited until the question was finished and then paused an additional 2-3 seconds before answering. He was completely unflappable. My ex's attorney literally asked something like "Wouldn't your recommendation to the court be the exact opposite if barcher144's ex-wife had hired you instead of him?" He stared at her when she asked this question, waited 2-3 seconds, and then calmly said "No."

You are not expected to be a perfect mother. I am sure that his attorney will try to make this about you. You need to revisit all of his poor behavior and other issues so that stuff is fresh in your mind. Otherwise, just try to keep calm and give honest answers. I don't have advice on how to keep calm... I was "lucky" enough that prior to my trial, my ex-wife's attorney had made so many false and offensive accusations that I was used to it.

Do not be afraid to ask for a question to be repeated.
Do not be afraid to ask for a break.

Also, definitely ask your attorney for advice on how to survive.

Have you been deposed yet? I hope it went well. I hope your atty deposed your xh, that should be interesting!

I was drug back into court and I remained very calm and answered the questions. I framed every response as to the best interest of our child.

I personally would not settle out of court. They are trying to intimidate you.

In regards to keeping calm - I recently was told about breathing exercises by my BFF (who heard about them from a recruiter). I have been using them a few minutes before interviews and it has helped my anxiety and stress tremendously, so I can answer each question calmly and thoughtfully. (My voice doesn’t shake like it used to, I’m able to keep my hands from shaking, and I can think clearly and not in a panic, etc.) I’ve specifically been using box breathing, but there are other types/methods you may like better. I may try some others as well. :)

@barcher144: Thank you for your response! I will be speaking with my attorney about strategies to survive it soon.

@homewrecked2011: I have not been deposed yet. I thankfully have a couple more weeks to mentally prepare for it.

@Karmahasnomenu: Thanks for your input! I've heard of hand massage to get out stress/anxiety. I will test out a few breathing exercises to see what might work for me.

From all of y'all I'm mostly hearing that I need to not rush in answering questions, ensure that everything I say is in response for "best interest" of my child, and refresh myself on the history of what XWh has done so that I can be logical in my reasoning on safe/not safe for the child.

If you have time Kanashii,

There is a great book called body by breath but it's huge, and it's basically learning resiliency through breathing. You can also look up tapping which can help you calm down a lot.

It may help you to bring notes such as dates and times the Ex has not been adhering to the custody agreement or how many times changes to schedule has been made. Anything in an index card you can refer to might help you stay focused.

You may also want to refer to his mental health hospitalizations for clarity.

Also refer to his family members supporting him during visitation (again specific dates) so your deposition has verifiable facts.

Keep it factual as best you can. That will help you.

Others here had great advice on remaining calm too.

How are you doing Kanashii

@nomudnolotus: I think I'm doing OK this week. Keeping myself busy with work and easter celebrations for my son. I've got a written timeline to remind myself how close together everything has been, though I'm not sure how much my ex's lawyer is going to want to hear about. Thankfully the deposition will be coming up soon, so I'll be able to stop dreading it and just do it!

Here is an update: My deposition went well. Due to what came out at my deposition my ex's lawyer decided it would not be a good idea to go to court. My child is safe with the now Permanent custody arrangement -which is NOT 50/50.

My lawyer said that me having/knowing the timeline of events and keeping everything factual helped my case tremendously.

Thanks again for everyone who posted in the thread!

I'm so glad to hear that Kanashii!!!

Great update!! Thanks for sharing.