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Newest Member: cobblerock

New Beginnings :
Needing Reassurance

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Perdita1 (original poster member #67654) posted at 10:37 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

I know the answer to this, but not having confided with anyone IRL I’m relying on the kindness of internet strangers to help reassure me.

I’ve been seeing a guy for a while. Well, I actually first met him about 2 years ago. I was fresh off getting the divorce finalised back then, and at that time dating was new and exciting.

So I’ve been seeing him, probably on average once a month. Texts are daily and frequent.

Lately he’s been pushing for him to be more of a priority in my life. We had an argument a few weeks ago over this and effectively broke up, but then started talking again a few days later, and sort of fell back into it all. To be fair I could see where he was coming from.

Then, two things happened. First, his landlord gave notice on his flat so he has to move. Secondly, his teenage kid (who had been splitting time between mum and dad) decided they wanted to live full time with mum.

So, a lot going on and I sympathise with all the stress.

He started flat-hunting. Not much out there. He was looking at staying in the same area, which made absolute sense as he would be near his son. Then he started indicating that he’d been looking at flats nearer to me, as I live further out of the city so there are more options. I began to panic and gently reminded him that ideally he’d want to stay near his kid. He agreed that would be the ideal scenario.

Then a few days later he got a new idea - he’d buy instead of renting, in his area. Fair enough. But…I think flats in his area are out of his price range. He asked me for financial help. Said eventually we’d get married anyway so the property would be mine too, although he would pay me back anyway (although tbh I can’t see how).

Red flags were waving every which way. I told him to talk to the bank. Today he told me what the bank would lend him and how much the shortfall would be. It is a significant amount of money.

For various reasons, I cannot lay my hands on that amount immediately. And even if I could, every fibre of my being is screaming that this is a terrible idea. I told him that I’m unlikely to be able to access what he needs. He said I let him down. I haven’t replied to that.

Please tell me that running away from all this is the right thing to do.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8827576
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Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 10:49 PM on Wednesday, March 6th, 2024

This is a terrible idea.

If you really want to give some dude property, I have an opening in my schedule to discuss.

BH
DDAY Mar 2014
Widowed 2022 - breast cancer

posts: 13491   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Washington State
id 8827579
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 2:05 AM on Thursday, March 7th, 2024

Not only should this be a hard no, lots of red flags here. You want to be casual, but he says you're getting married? Is this the kind of guy you want to be dating?

posts: 463   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8827606
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redrock ( member #21538) posted at 2:21 AM on Thursday, March 7th, 2024

((Perdita))

The good thing is that you saw the flags flapping. And that you didn’t feel responsible to solve his problem.

He feels entitled to ask you for a significant amount of money with no collateral except for the vague promise of marriage at some point.

You get the prize rolleyes Um no.

You let him down by not sacrificing your savings for his convenience. Too bad so sad. He can have all the feelings he wants about the situation but you don’t have to provide empathy or agree with his pout.

‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’. Is all you can say to his pity party. If you respond further at all.

If you two move forward I would keep a sharp eye out. Entitled, selfish expectations are a big old red flag. What else is under the rock?

Is this the first time he showed behavior that made you think.. hmmmm.. that’s not inline with my beliefs, feelings, lifestyle, integrity?

Sending hugs. It’s not easy to discover ugly character traits in someone you have been seeing/ grown close to.

[This message edited by redrock at 2:21 AM, Thursday, March 7th]

I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

posts: 3529   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2008   ·   location: Michigan
id 8827607
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:36 PM on Thursday, March 7th, 2024

I was fresh off getting the divorce finalised back then, and at that time dating was new and exciting.......Lately he’s been pushing for him to be more of a priority in my life.

Now that you have 2 years of healing under your belt, where are YOU now with what YOU want, etc?

As for this guy - I think he has some big kahunas! There is NO way I would even ask my BF or Mom do loan me something that big. Plus, if the bank doesn't trust him enough; neither should you.

It would be a hard 'no' for me.

I told him that I’m unlikely to be able to access what he needs.

You do not owe him an explanation. 'No' is a complete answer.

He said I let him down. I haven’t replied to that.

Well, I would say he let YOU down by even asking such a thing.

This guy has showed you exactly who he is.

I am really surprised that his latest 'new idea' hasn't been to move in with you until he finds a place (then not leave).

posts: 6903   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8827644
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 2:13 PM on Thursday, March 7th, 2024

He’s not playing with a full deck. You need to be very clear that you don’t share your $ or home with others.

Marriage? Hmmmmmm that sounds like a plan to get you to give him $ or move in with you.

Say no but be firm. I’d be curious to see what happens long term.

🚩

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13970   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8827651
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:52 PM on Thursday, March 7th, 2024

Yeah no there is no way in hell I would do that. Let him rent another flat and if you do buy a home I would make sure it is in your name with a pre-nup stating it is yours and upon divorce would become yours.

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8827735
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 Perdita1 (original poster member #67654) posted at 7:36 PM on Friday, March 8th, 2024

Thank you all so much for your replies. It really helps. It’s been two days (I think) with no contact and I’ve been so busy I haven’t really missed him, which is a surprise. Maybe this is the eye-opener I needed to end it.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8828015
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Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 6:04 AM on Monday, March 11th, 2024

If it isn't, let us know.

BH
DDAY Mar 2014
Widowed 2022 - breast cancer

posts: 13491   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Washington State
id 8828310
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 Perdita1 (original poster member #67654) posted at 10:03 PM on Wednesday, March 13th, 2024

It’s hard to believe that it’s already been a week since all this happened. And no contact, not a single word, in that week. I’m doing well really, if somewhat surprised at the no contact. I kind of feel like an ‘ending’ needs to be talked about, but on the other hand I really don’t want to get into a difficult conversation….

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8828715
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Jajaynumb ( member #83674) posted at 10:59 PM on Wednesday, March 13th, 2024

Closure is a myth. No good can come of it so keep going no contact and thank your stars you dodged a bullet.

This guy is a manipulator, don’t fall for it he’s after your money. I’m sorry but move on.

https://library.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661294/worse-than-hell-yes-its-all-true/

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8828721
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:54 PM on Friday, March 15th, 2024

Always be grateful when trash takes itself out.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 2010   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8828943
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 Perdita1 (original poster member #67654) posted at 8:20 PM on Friday, March 15th, 2024

Just wanted to thank everyone again. I’ve been reading and re-reading this thread and it really helps to put things into perspective. It’s so weird how someone can just disappear from your life after being such a presence for so long. I’m glad though, in a way, that it can be such a ‘clean break’ despite not actually formally sitting down and ending it.

I’m a little lonely, but it doesn’t feel like the complete end of the world. I saw my therapist this week (who echoed all the comments on this thread) and will again next week. I’m glad that I have outlets as I’m embarrassed that I got / found myself in this situation.

I argued with XWH today (over something completely unrelated, we have to coparent) and that is stressing me, but I hope that that will pass soon.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8829127
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:31 AM on Saturday, March 16th, 2024

Hang in there, Perdita. You've got this. Maybe it's time to try a new hobby? There are paint & sip nights in my area. Is this something you can try?

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3567   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8829216
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 Perdita1 (original poster member #67654) posted at 12:52 PM on Thursday, March 21st, 2024

Thanks Leafields. I’m slowly getting my next steps in order. Everything is changing as XWH might be (probably is) moving away leaving me with more childcare. Which is great, but exhausting, and I feel so bad for my kids. This week has been involved chats with my lawyer and financial advisor, and I just find it all so stressful.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8829932
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 2:00 AM on Friday, March 22nd, 2024

Sending positive thoughts your way. Sorry for all the changes and stressors.

I hope you are taking exquisite care of yourself in all of this. I find that when things change it helps me to remember to put my self care first.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8830110
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 Perdita1 (original poster member #67654) posted at 1:58 PM on Friday, March 29th, 2024

Thank you Shehawk. I’ve been trying to dial down the stress as the Easter holidays begin. I still can’t believe that he didn’t try to contact me after saying I let him down (although part of me is glad that I didn’t have to have the ‘it’s over’ conversation).

Really I just want to run away. A cheating ex-H and dating a guy who’s a disaster. How did I get myself into this mess?

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8831301
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 6:16 PM on Friday, March 29th, 2024

I'm glad you did not financially intertwine yourself with this guy. If he is hard up for money, he can rent a room on his own.

As for dating, yeah, it can be brutal. Just read my thread.

No advice from me, just know you are not alone.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1835   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8831418
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 Perdita1 (original poster member #67654) posted at 9:28 PM on Saturday, March 30th, 2024

Thanks JSG. I read through your post and it was so helpful, although I’m sorry things are tricky.

As for me, I am feeling constantly on edge. It makes me both sad and tense. Distraction seems to help so today I took myself over to my parents and siblings just for a change of scene. It was good to think about something else rather than stressing over my disasters.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8831550
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 1:06 AM on Sunday, March 31st, 2024

Holidays can be difficult. But I am glad you are choosing to spend time with people who care about you.

You deserve to have positive times and happy thoughts!

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1675   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8831568
Topic is Sleeping.
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