Topic is Sleeping.
KiboGaAru (original poster member #83847) posted at 3:57 AM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
I'm here to rant. I am so mad right now!!!
Just found out that the OW reached out to my WH few months ago and she asked him if he could go to a store to pick up a gift she bought for him as a "goodbye gift" (a bit expensive about $300+ gadget).
WH broke the NC and went to the store to pick up the so called gift. WH did not meet up with the OW. They communicated thru text and WH said it was a short conversation. 🙄 Nothing else.
Now, he was upset that I am mad and making me feel like I am making a big deal out of this. Mind you I have been asking him since Dday if OW gave something to him and his answer is always a NO!!!
He said he took the gift because he needed it anyway and its just a gift. It makes me wonder how the hell would that OW know that he needed that particular gadget given if NC since DDay (about 4-5months apart)!!
WH said NC since Dday and thats the only time OW reached out to him (would you believe? I dont.)
I dont know what to do anymore but Ill make sure that the OW will get this gadget back even if I will be the one to deliver it on her face. Informed OBS about this new information. Didnt care if it will matter to him or not.
D is on the table but it is not easy to proceed, too many to reconsider in terms of children & properties.
And I thought all this time we are doing okay and trying to move past this nightmare together! All lies!!!!!! UGH!! 
[This message edited by KiboGaAru at 4:07 AM, Thursday, February 29th]
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:04 AM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
It's still all about him and what he wants. No regard for you or your relationship.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 6:26 AM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
Does he want a goodbye gift from you too?
I'm sure you could think of plenty of things he 'needs'.
BH
DDAY Mar 2014
Widowed 2022 - breast cancer
KiboGaAru (original poster member #83847) posted at 7:19 AM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
Leafields: unfortunately, yes.
Notthevictem: hmm, maybe I should ask him that?! 🙃
goingtomakeit ( member #11778) posted at 7:58 AM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
Why send the "gift" back to the OW?
Send it to the bottom of the landfill, or sell it on eBay and get yourself something with the money.
Honestly, he is an obtuse asshole.
Me: BS (34 at d-day)Her: WS (35 at d-day)D-Day: 02/03/99Kids: 2 boys (5 & 3 at d-day)Married 9 years at d-day
KiboGaAru (original poster member #83847) posted at 8:23 AM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
goingtomakeit:
I thought about that too but the thought of me using OW's money yo buy something? I just cant. 
I dont know maybe thats just me.
SadieMae ( member #42986) posted at 12:16 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
Do you go to church? WH sold the birthday gift I gave him while we was conducting his A and the proceeds went in the church poor box. Maybe you could think of anther charity to give it to. Convert that bad money to good.
And your WH? It doesn't sound like he's even trying to understand. I'm so so sorry.
Me: BW D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020
Yay! A new D-Day on 11/8/2023 WTAF
KiboGaAru (original poster member #83847) posted at 1:16 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
SadieMae:
Yes, I do actually.
Hmmm.. thats a good idea..
Thanks for the input! 🙂
EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:32 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
There would be lots of flags here for me:
Just found out that the OW reached out to my WH few months ago
How did you find out? He never told you that she contact him when it happened?
she asked him if he could go to a store to pick up a gift she bought for him as a "goodbye gift"
Who does this?
Ok - let's assume this is really how it went down (which I really don't believe). His answer should have been CRICKETS to her. She was fishing and he took the bait.
WH broke the NC
How did she contact him? I.E., Doesn't he have her blocked?
Now, he was upset that I am mad and making me feel like I am making a big deal out of this.
Just wow. His response here shows a lot about where you are with healing your relationship. You can't do this alone.
Mind you I have been asking him since Dday if OW gave something to him and his answer is always a NO!!!
Again, the lack of transparency and lies.
He said he took the gift because he needed it anyway and its just a gift.
More flags that he just does not get it.
Ugh - I am so sorry. This just sucks.
SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 2:50 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
He's either lying about the A being over at the time that he accepted the gift, or he's a stupid, selfish twit who decided that a $300 gadget was worth the expense of his integrity and your trust. He's not behaving like R is important to him.
Gasping for air while volunteering to give others CPR is not heroic.
Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.
BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:22 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
He's either lying about the A being over at the time that he accepted the gift, or he's a stupid, selfish twit who decided that a $300 gadget was worth the expense of his integrity and your trust. He's not behaving like R is important to him.
...because it's clearly not.
For every cockroach you see, there are 100 hiding in the walls. The $300 gadget is just the latest one you've caught scurrying after flicking the lights on.
This is a guy who keeps lying to you, who goes out with his friends/coworkers on short notice and for all hours of the night, and makes zero effort to make you feel safe, loved, and understood.
You're a room mate with benefits at this point, KiboGaAru.
[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:25 PM, Thursday, February 29th]
BW, 40s
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried
I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.
KiboGaAru (original poster member #83847) posted at 4:01 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
EvenKeel:
How did you find out? He never told you that she contact him when it happened?
- Saw the airpod and didnt know that he got one so I started questioning him until he admitted that it was from her.
How did she contact him? I.E., Doesn't he have her blocked?
- He actually blocked her and any mutual friends on all soc meds and on the actual phone but WH said she used a different number. (I cannot confirm because he deleted everything).
At this point, I think I'm done and I'm tired already. Is this the feeling of another Dday? 
KiboGaAru (original poster member #83847) posted at 4:04 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
ScaredSoul/BluerthanBlue
Yup! Now, I wonder if the A did not stop at all. And it makes me nauseous to think that I gave this human being a chance, many chances, to fix our relationship. I guess I just got hit by the false R. 
TBH though, I do not know how to proceed at the moment.
[This message edited by KiboGaAru at 4:05 PM, Thursday, February 29th]
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:17 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
(((KiboGaAru))) I'm so sorry and understand exactly what you are going through.
Every broken NC, act of no remorse, False R took whatever love and respect I had left for xWS until there was none.
TBH though, I do not know how to proceed at the moment
If it were me... I would stop working or hoping for anything positive to happen in the M. I would 180 and start detaching. Once you detach you will see his actions more clearly and if he still doesn't get his head out of his a** by this time you will already be so detached that leaving will start to become more appealing with less fear.
fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24
Tobster1911 ( member #81191) posted at 7:16 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
For me this would be as bad or worse than the picking up a stupid gift.
I cannot confirm because he deleted everything
he's a stupid, selfish twit who decided that a $300 gadget was worth the expense of his integrity and your trust.
Exactly and unbelievable. Boggles the mind to be so focused on your own desires that this ever seems like a good idea. The only thing I can think is he believes he can successfully hide it from you or manipulate you into being ok with it. Both are huge problems because it means he doesn’t see it as horrifyingly wrong…
Make sure you smash them into tiny pieces before return to sender….
BH(45), married 16yrs, DDay1 Feb 2022, DDay2 Apr 2022, 2EA + 4PA over 6+ yrs.
Glimmers of hope for change
SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 8:15 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
If it were me... I would stop working or hoping for anything positive to happen in the M. I would 180 and start detaching. Once you detach you will see his actions more clearly and if he still doesn't get his head out of his a** by this time you will already be so detached that leaving will start to become more appealing with less fear.
100% agree.
Don't tolerate this.
Gasping for air while volunteering to give others CPR is not heroic.
Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.
Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 8:33 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
TBH though, I do not know how to proceed at the moment.
If it were me... I would stop working or hoping for anything positive to happen in the M. I would 180 and start detaching. Once you detach you will see his actions more clearly and if he still doesn't get his head out of his a** by this time you will already be so detached that leaving will start to become more appealing with less fear.
All this. You’re the only one trying to throw water out of a sinking boat. Time to consider whether this boat is worth saving.
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 8:50 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
"Goodbye Gift" That is your WH just threw salt in your already gaping would.
I have many questions starting with how could she get in touch with him - she should have been blocked on all fronts.
And he not only responded - he accepted. And your WH behaved like the good Lap Dog that AP wants him to be.
I'm sorry - this is a new low in the level of disrespect.
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades-2 adult children. Multiple DDays w/same LAP until I told OBS 2018- Cease & Desist sent spring 2021 "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 10:42 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
You’re the only one trying to throw water out of a sinking boat.
I love a good analogy, and that one is top notch.
Gasping for air while volunteering to give others CPR is not heroic.
Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.
KiboGaAru (original poster member #83847) posted at 10:58 PM on Thursday, February 29th, 2024
Chaos:
She used a different # to reach out to my WH and my stupid WH gave in, that is why they had that "short conversation".
And the audacity my WH said that its just a gift, nothing else. Though he admitted that he was talking about himself during that time. (damn right!) And trying to justify it. 
You wont believe all his excuses!
Wondering though if it was part of the "affair fog"?
But absolutely, I am not going to tolerate this.
Topic is Sleeping.
