SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

T/j

Jameson1977,

So, based on my experience with infidelity, I think you are making the right choice even though I didn’t.

Your WW's D-day was in 2015 and TT continued for several years, correct? What's the status of your marriage now, if you don't mind sharing?

I’m always intrigued by the WS who has acted so horrible but when their behavior is discovered, they come apart at the seams. It is like their ability to assess risk-reward during the affair is severely impaired. They are willing to risk that which is most important to them but would not take a high risk bet for money. I did not see where you talked about any conversations with her where you asked her why she did this. I guess there is never a satisfying answer to that.

I’m sorry you had to go through all of this JC. Please take care of yourself - you deserve that.
You WW can figure herself out in therapy if she chooses to. Right now, focus on you. Best wishes to you.

Ragn3rK1n, our marriage is….better, certainly better than while in the throes of ddays.

Therapy has been good for my WW. I did a fair amount of therapy but never really got much out of it.

We are good partners. Going through infidelity has has made us better partners, but honestly, if I had known the crap I had to go through, I wouldn’t have done it.

Seeing my buddy go through his second D, 4 years after his death I’ve left him has left me feeling like I would never get married again. My buddy has had to deal with his STBEX dragging her feet on the divorce, false domestic violence charges, all of it. Really sad and has messed him up.

I talked with my (our) attorney this morning and told him WW was coming into see him and that I was ready to file. He also advised that me moving out of the house would not be an issue. I’m going to move as soon as possible. Everything in the house is a trigger, including my WW. I have several appointments to look at apartments this afternoon and this evening.

We both got our STD test results and we’re both clear. While that was a relief, it was pretty much a gut-punch reminder why all this is happening. Now that I’m back home, I think the enormity of the situation is starting to hit me. In just a few weeks my life has been totally turned upside down, and I keep asking myself how the fuck did I get here. I’m just really down right now. Thanks for listening. I don’t share with anyone but you, so I appreciate being able to keep doing that.

Glad the STD test results were clear, JustCrushed.

Good luck on the apartment hunting... I would suggest looking for a cheap, very short term lease-- nothing more than 6 months. Has your attorney told you how long a divorce should take (with the caveat that your WW could change on a dime and fight/drag on the divorce for a much longer time period)? Hopefully you don't live in a state where you have to separate for a year before the divorce can be filed. You want to live very frugally for the next several months... I don't know how much experience you have with attorneys but they usually bill in 6 minute intervals and it can get expensive fast (ps I'm a lawyer.) So, in the short term you are going to have a previously unexpected bill every month once the initial retainer is burned through. You are also going to have to discuss with your WW about the monthly bills once you move out (keep your attorney informed), does your WW expect you to keep paying half the mortgage and monthly bills while you are living in an apartment that you are paying for by yourself? Have you been sending money to your step-daughters for monthly expenses/run-around money while in college, do you want (or can) to continue to do that? Since everything in your house is a trigger, you will be looking at furnishing a new apartment and then later, full time housing...keep it simple, almost spartan-like until you decide on a longer term plan, which brings me to..

You indicated that during your week away you came to some conclusions not only about your marriage and your WW but also your career (I believe you stated "soul-crushing job" that you had in order to support your WW and step-daughters) I am going to assume, based on you growing up in the foster system, the city you currently live in, for the past 14 years, was based more on your WW's preferences (closeness to her family, where her daughters were born, etc.) You are now 38 years-old, you've lived a bit... is there any place that you thought you'd rather live than where you are now? Any city that you thought, "man, it'd be cool to live there" even if it's for just a short time? Now, without knowing your career or marketable skill sets, I would look at this as an almost perfect opportunity to go live in your dream city. Career change, why not? You've lived the grind, do something that is not so soul-crushing. You're going to have an opportunity, in the next few months while the divorce works its way through, to do a total reset of your life-- the way you WANT IT TO BE. It's not your fault, it totally sucks, you obviously wish it never had to happen but you are going to be fine, JustCrushed. Hell, I'd wager a good sum you're going to be better than just fine, you'll be doing great in a few months. I know everything is still raw and confusing right now, only a month out... but when you feel yourself getting really down, try to take a look at your situation from 30,000 feet up... you are a 38-year old, intelligent, educated, thoughtful, professional, and loyal man that accepted and raised 2 girls to attending college, you will be a catch in the open market when you are ready.

Stay strong.

JustCrushed - I have read your story from the beginning and haven't commented as 1) The advice you have been given is outstanding as always and 2) As others have said, you have dealt with this in an incredible way to date, with strength.

However at this very important crossroads just wanted to chime in. If you do go ahead with D, fair play and it would not be a surprising decision. But I sense hesitation. The mix of sadness and anger you currently feel will start to dissipate over time. Jumping to D is (in all likelihood) a one way street. Is there benefit in holding on for a while? From what you have written your wife does seem apologetic (I know this doesn't fix things, but it is a start).

I know there are varying schools of thought on when the right time is to start MC, but it feels to me like your W might be in the right place now if you are up for it? One of the things that resonated with me from your story is the length of time you have been together.. the amount "invested" (my MCs words). For us it was 17 years invested and 6 months of madness. Your timeframes are similar. While it is all so raw ending it may seem like the sensible thing to do. But there may be a way forward. It is up to you whether you want to give that chance or not.

I would just urge you to give yourself a little longer before making the choice. The pros and cons, etc. I know you have read about reconciliation stories. I would hazard a guess that a large number of reconciliation stories don't post on this site. It can be triggering when trying to reconcile.

Perhaps if your mindset is OK with it it is worth reading some stories on the wayward side? This helped me a lot to understand how messed up their brain is. It doesn't excuse anything, but can help with understanding and help with decision making.

All the best.

Once again, allow me to express my sadness for the great hurt and trauma that has been forced on you by your WW. The pain is unlike any other. Im so sorry you are facing this.

A note on this:

We sat down and I told her that she had been the love of my life, that I stilled cared for her, but I was filing for divorce. She seemed absolutely stunned. I went on to say that the pain and the cruelty with which it was delivered was something that I was not going to be able to get past and our marriage was over.

Im going to digress a minute or two on the bolded comment above. It never ceases to amaze me when the ones who inflict this trauma-by-treason are "shocked" when the faithful spouse/SO they've so heinously betrayed see it as it is, the end of their marriage. That they need to divest themselves of their abuser. Some say this is "the fog". Others a sure sign of cognitive dissonance. Still others that it is a proof of sheer duplicity. Honestly, who knows? More importantly, does it matter? Not really in my opinion. It is instructive as to how radically different the thinking is between the betrayer and the betrayed. To me, that comment alone is another proof positive that you are doing the best thing for you, all things considered.

The immediate days ahead will continue to be a slog but will get better in time as you invest in your own healing and recovery and thats what I hope you do. Invest in yourself. Its hard. Very very hard. Especially when you are a caring individual who gets great joy in caring for the ones you love. Do your best to pour that effort into yourself until the ship of your life is again "righted". It will happen.

Continued strength and clarity to you sir.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:22 PM, Tuesday, March 19th]

Jumping to D is (in all likelihood) a one way street.

I try not to engage with other posters, but I could not disagree with this statement more strongly. In most states, a divorce proceeding is a long, slow slog through the courts. You have many opportunities to put it on hold, mediate, negotiate, stop/start, etc.

To my observation, what hurts a betrayed spouse the most is analysis paralysis. Frozen to inaction out of fear of acting. Your time is irretrievable. Once it's gone, it's gone. "Wait a while" means "give some unknown segment of your remaining life span to what is almost certainly a fruitless effort."

Whenever I see advice like this, my response is to look in the mirror and have a conversation with your 60-year old self. Ask that person if he's happy with the choices you made. It is of course true that choosing A always means not choosing B. That's always true, with every choice in life. Life is nothing but a stream or series of such choices. Choose to remain married to a person who insulted and demeaned you to another man, even from your marital bed on your anniversary, on the outside chance that it might get better. That's pretty much the advice embedded in the quoted statement.

Or, choose to move on, realizing that if she has genuine, heartfelt, real desire for you, she'll be around in a year, or two, or four. And if she's not around then, her desire was never real and you're the better for having moved on.

My cousin's wife cheated on him with another man and got pregnant by the AP. My cousin divorced his cheating wife and moved on. Years later, they bumped into one another (shared social circles). Had a coffee. Then a dinner. Then started dating. Then got re-married. That was like 20+ years ago. Now they're old and retired and still happy together. Life is a journey that is best lived by moving, not by sitting like a deer in the headlights passively waiting to see what somebody else might do.

Hi JC,

Your story doesn't make sense to me unless your STBXW is a sociopath. Your wife showed no regard for you at all while she was cheating.
She continuously choose her AP over you and, to put it mildly, compared you unfavorably to him. She's not a wife material, perhaps never was.
Your story is somewhat similar to that of SpaceGhost0007, but only in the sense that both cheaters were "really" sorry that they got caught. And to be fair, SpaceGhost0007's ex-wife was not as cruel as yours. I think you are doing great in handling this whole thing that was brought on you, divorce her and send her to the streets where she (and people like her) belongs. You are still young, you can marry a good woman (they still exist) and have your family with her.
Your STBXW is in her mid-40s, twice divorced and if she decides to disclose the details of your divorce to her future partners, most men will put her in sex category only or run for the hills. I wish you the best.

Jumping to D is (in all likelihood) a one way street.

BFTG beat me to it, and much better than I would have. The quote above is ridiculous, for the reasons he enumerated. You’re doing the right thing, and for what it’s worth, we are impressed with your decisiveness. You are absolutely setting yourself up for future happiness.

Ozzie1788

However at this very important crossroads just wanted to chime in. If you do go ahead with D, fair play and it would not be a surprising decision. But I sense hesitation. The mix of sadness and anger you currently feel will start to dissipate over time. Jumping to D is (in all likelihood) a one way street. Is there benefit in holding on for a while? From what you have written your wife does seem apologetic (I know this doesn't fix things, but it is a start).

I know there are varying schools of thought on when the right time is to start MC, but it feels to me like your W might be in the right place now if you are up for it?

I have to chime in as well. I am sorry Ozzie, but this is HORRIBLE advice.

There is NO use for MC. See, *the marriage* did not cheat, WW was the one who cheated.

MC if it is at all applicable, comes way after IC for the cheater. MC so close to Dday is a waste of time and money.

Fair enough, I am not going to argue the point. In this situation it reads like D is the best course of action to me as well.

I just sensed that hesitation so wanted to give that alternative viewpoint, more devils advocate than anything.

You’re doing the right thing, and for what it’s worth, we are impressed with your decisiveness. You are absolutely setting yourself up for future happiness.

I am also impressed with the decisiveness. As you were

I don't post here much until I cam across this thread. You seem to be doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances. From here on out watch your wife's actions and dismiss here words and ESPECIALLY her tears. Will she use her time even post divorce to fix herself or will she just continue on the selfish path she is on. I have seen friends go through divorces where the WW's tears dry up and they become vindictive once the divorce is proceeding.

Right now you need to invest your energy in yourself and getting yourself healed. Separation and divorce is very understandable since you gave her so much, even not having biological children of your own to be with her and her children. The dissolution of this family is 100% on her.

Do your stepdaughters know? What do you think your relationship with them will be post divorce?

JustCrushed feels compassion for his WW... the "mixture of anger and sadness" is part of his compassion. He loved his wife at one point (and I'm sure still harbors some love for her) and no one wants to see a loved one in pain. But flip it around, where was his wife's compassion for JustCrushed during her affair? Compartmentalization is flat out wayward-apologist psychobabble... her actions were a deliberate attempt to destroy her marriage. What was her end game? A 4-5 month affair is more than "fling" as if a drunk ONS or week long affair is somehow acceptable? She knew that if JustCrushed found out, he would take these actions... she willingly gambled her marriage for cheap thrills, ego-strokes and hormonal relief. And she lost, spectacularly.

JustCrushed, did you ever ask your WW what she would do if the roles were reversed? How would she feel and react if she read texts to your girlfriend saying you had to have sex with your wife on your anniversary, but you only took her from behind so you could imagine it was your girlfriend you were having sex with and not your wife? Sorry for being graphic, but no one can come back from reading something like that. Such callous disregard...

And to add to that ^^ it isn't even just a matter of revenge or "getting even" or even "bringing WW to justice". JC's WW is simply NOT a safe partner right now. (Well to clarify she was always a ticking time bomb it turns out but JC has very recently learned what WW is capable of.) Is JC even sure that this is WW's first time cheating? Because I sure as hell would not be!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 5:29 PM, Tuesday, March 19th]

Just Crushed,

I have been following your thread and haven’t posted in a long, long time. I really don’t have anymore words of advice to offer as you have received great advice here. I just wanted you to know that as best I can, I feel your pain, and through prayer, I’m carrying your burden with you. Infidelity is the most pain and confusion I have ever felt in my life. Even worse then when my Momma died when I was young. My betrayal happened when I had been married 28 years to my high sweetheart, had 2 grown children, and a grandchild on the way. It was like a nuclear bomb was dropped on my life, and I had no warning, no bomb shelter (up until then I considered my husband my bomb shelter) and no lead suit to protect me from the fallout, none of my own making. You’re doing great. Take it step by step, moment by moment, day by day. Please know right now, as I’m saying my prayers at night, you are included, right along my family and friends. I pray peace for you eventually. But that will be a long time coming.

Betrayed by WH after 28 years marred, 30 as a couple

Successful Reconciliation after lots of blood, sweat and tears

[This message edited by Catula at 6:50 PM, Tuesday, March 19th]

JustCrushed, did you ever ask your WW what she would do if the roles were reversed?

Nuke Zombie, that's an excellent talking point for JC if he needs to use it.

Imagine JC has a couple of buddies that he regularly socializes with, including regular social events in his home where they hang out, have some beers, watch a game, talk to Mrs. JC.

At some point around the time the girls are going off to college, the buddies start telling him what a great guy he's been, how he's done a yeoman's job as a stepfather to the girls, raising them with love as if they were his own, and how he deserves a treat for this. So they fix him up with a woman who is looking for some casual sex with a married man, and he settles into a highly sexual relationship with her. Sex once a week at her place, sometimes more often if he can figure out a way to be away from the wife. She's kind of skeevy, been around the block a lot, but she knows how to empty JC's pipe and so he does her rawdog, over and over and over, just because it feels good. This goes on for months, during which JC continues to have unprotected sex with his wife, exposing her (without her consent) to every man the AP had ever been with.

During this whole time, the buddies continue to come over to the house and socialize with Mr. and Mrs. JC as if nothing were happening. When his wife isn't looking, he and his buddies exchange conspiratorial smirks about what he has been up to.

Meantime, JC is sending texts to the other woman: "Baby, your body is so smoking hot, way hotter than my wife. I get so horny every week just looking forward to the moment I can get my hands and my tongue on your deliciousness."

Or, on the anniversary: "Did you fuck your wife?" "Yes, I had to, or she'd be suspicious that something was up. I didn't want to, though. I made her get on her hands and knees and only gave it to her doggy style so I could close my eyes and pretend it was you."

Honestly, JC, ask your WW what she would do if she discovered that sequence of events and communications, including the fact that the affair would still be going on (including the messages demeaning her to your AP) had she not discovered it.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 3:27 PM, Wednesday, March 20th]

Ok, that was a lot more detailed than my version, BFTG.

But JustCrushed (sorry, can't make myself abbreviate you to JC, not that I'm that religious, just doesn't seem right) next time your WW begs for a chance, read her BFTG's version and ask her, would she really forgive/overcome that? Then follow up with the best (only?) thing she can give you is an amicable and fair divorce if she really ever loved you.

JustCrushed, did you ever ask your WW what she would do if the roles were reversed?

I bet that's an easy one, BftG, it always is.