SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm 70 and my wife is 68 over the holidays I told my wife since we are retired we need go on dates more. I told her her only time I had gut feeling something was going on. I got home early and she was out with coworker I went to bar. Coworkers were at and the other side of the room and were at one table and she and a coworker that was my cousin was on the other side of the room I confront them and she said were just friends then she started crying and confess she had a affair for 4 months 30yrs ago she was 38 and he was 26 at the time I can forgive her but I can't forget I can't sleep all I think about is them together and after not tell me for 30yrs I know it would of had difference out come. Just don't know what to do I'm at a lost like hear what people thinks thanks

Hi there. Sorry you had to find us.

Please know that even though it happened 30 years ago, it is fresh and new to you.
Please read in the healing library and also in the I Can Relate forum— there is a thread there for those who found out many years later.

Take care of yourself — this is a trauma to your system and it can be tough physically as well as emotionally.
Drink lots of water, eat healthy, get some exercise and sleep. If you are having trouble sleeping, see your doctor.

Others will be by with good advice.
Hang in there - you will get through this.

Sorry that you had to find us, and welcome to SI. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. The Healing Library has a lot of information, including the list of acronyms that we use.

Difficulty sleeping is fairly common after suffering betrayal trauma. If you need it, please see a doctor for some medication.

IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful to you. Healing from infidelity takes years, so please be easy on yourself.

As Bearly said, this is new to you, so it doesn't matter if it was yesterday or years ago, it is fresh. Although, when you don't find out for a long time, there's another layer of healing that's needed to work through the years of lies.

Have you asked her for a written timeline? Dates, feelings, conversations, etc? Because it's so long ago, she may have difficulty remembering all the details but she should give it a try. Is she still in contact with him? If so, the A probably didn't end. Unfortunately, cheaters lie and then lie some more.

There's no excuse for cheating. She had all kinds of options, but she decided to cheat. And remember that - cheating is a choice. It isn't a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk when you're at the store.

Sorry that you're here, and keep posting.

Know that the only reason she told you was for herself, not you. She was/is not thinking about you and wanted to unburden herself for her own peace of mind. Did you believe her the first time round or did you rugsweep what your heart and instincts were telling you.

She knew that you had a strong suspicion and continued to lie to you through out your life neverthelessm, because she knew that if she told you at the time, she would lose you. So now that it seems she does not have much to lose, she tells you and the tears she shed were for herself, again, not you.

Not only is it fresh news for you, but the enormity of it all is much larger than if she had admitted to it at the time. SHe turned your whole married life into a lie!!!

Did you always have your doubts about her? Did you treat her differently since then ?

Do you have kids? Did they notice your tension around her?

I am sorry that you are going through this at 70! That is horrible and you must deal with the trauma appropriately. It is up to you as to how you want to deal with her - whether you forgive her or not. But you do have to help yourself now - the trauma is significant, especially at 70!

What exactly has she admitted to? Did she give you all the gory details (as much as she can remember)? Places, no of times they had sex, what lies she told to cover it up etc. Is your cousin still around? Are you going to inform his wife, parents, siblings etc ? There is a lot to get you to the point of dealing with this - you need to know as much of the truth as possible to set you free. Most of all has she given you any kind of reason(s) as to why she did it? Has she accepted blame for it?

I would not accept that it was so long ago and that she cannot remember. This is probably seared in her memory and she has carried this for a long time, She would not have forgotten this,

Also a really important consideration is whether this was her only rodeo or might she have done this with others too and is now admitting to this because it was heinous and weighed heavily on her mind? Maybe a lie detector test would prove helpful (to you).

Take care of yourself and know that there is no right or wrong to feel, say and do at this stage. Give yourself time to process this.

I can forgive her…

Don’t rush to that judgement. Give yourself the freedom (and the power) to make that choice. You have the rest of your life to do so.

For 30 years, she was in control of her secret, and a critical part of your life. Now you have to be.

Sending strength, 1good!

I am really sorry you are having to deal with this now at this stage of your life.

Personally I feel it is much more difficult to find out years after it happened than to discover your wife's betrayal at the time she is cheating. The reason is because you will feel that you were cheated out of having a faithful spouse all those years. I grew up believing in "lies of omission". By her not telling you 30 years ago and keeping this to herself, she has been lying to you every day for the past 30 years.

Leafields mentioned this to you about a Surviving Infidelity forum dedicated to those who, like yourself, find out years after it happened. Here is the link:

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/660527/for-those-who-found-out-years-later-part-2/

Spend some time on that forum seeing how others handled this terrible situation.

My suggestion to you at this time is please take care of your health. Since this situation is occupying your mental space 24 hours a day, you will probably forget to eat or stay hydrated. This is most important. There was a poster on SI a few years ago who found he could not eat because he was so upset. He was experiencing what is known as the "Infidelity Diet". He thought he could get by drinking a couple of protein drinks a day. After a period of time doing this he passed out and split his head when he hit the floor losing a lot of blood. He had to be admitted to the hospital. He was basically malnourished even though he was drinking a couple of protein drinks a day. Please don't let that happen to you.

Again, sorry you are here. Hopefully others who have gone through this can give you some better advice than I can.

Here is a update she told me they hookup 5 or 6 times in 5 months one being overnight they did it twice she say she has a hard time remembering. I know wear my cousin works confronted him told he is died to me never speak and see me again he spoke at my mother service after they had a affair make so mad she say this was the only time just don't know to think thanks

My W cheated when she was 65 and I was 66. You can heal, but the first months are awful no matter what. The important part of that is that what counts most is when you find out. It's brand new to you at 70. It was brand new to me at 66. I healed. Thousands of SIers have healed. Millions f BSes who never heard of SI have healed. You can heal, too.

My main reason for writing is to encourage you to hang in with yourself. A good IC can help.

What you describe is normal. Finding out about your W's A is traumatic, and it throws everything you thought you knew into question. Finding out can change all your usual practices - the way you eat, sleep, interact with your WS, interact with others, etc., etc., etc.

My reco is to take care of yourself, especially hydration and moving your body. Aim for some level of equilibrium. Focus on yourself and your healing. Figure out what you want and go for it.

Above all, hang in. Life will be very tough for a while, but you can live a good life after being betrayed, whether you R or D.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:08 PM, Friday, January 19th]

My husband cheated with a woman back in 1978. I found a note in his guitar case from her, thanking him for a beautiful evening.

He claimed at the time that she needed a friend, she was getting a divorce, he helped her out, no big deal. I never believed him. We separated shortly after that because, well, he was in a band and just wanted to be single.

We got back together a few months later, as the single life wasn’t what he wanted after all.

In 2005, he had a PA. In his disclosure then, I asked about this "beautiful evening". He admitted to a kiss. I didn’t believe it then, either.

This time around, he owns up to tow encounters with her, a PA. Oral sex, she didn’t want to get pregnant. I’m still not sure. I’m not sure it matters anymore because I just don’t know if I will ever know the full truth of my life, or if this actually is the truth.

45 years of trickle truth, or 30 years —— it all hurts.

The wayward has to know that this can kill the marriage. It just can.

Wow. I am so very sorry. You two are a bit ahead of me in age but not by much. What a crusher.

I may be projecting here and you can call me out if you think appropriate, but I think Id feel that the memories of the last 30 years are now tainted by deceit and betrayal. I think Id also feel robbed of my agency to make a different choice had I known back then to stay or D and move on and build a life with someone else.

Youve already received some great input so Ill not cover the same ground. Here are the critical questions imo:

1. Regardless of other info that is yet unknown, is this a deal breaker for you? There is a man in this sight facing much the same and is not sure what he will do. He went to the point of exposing the affair to the other betrayed spouse who is in her 70's. I just read of a man who divorced his wife in his 80s due to an affair that happened 50 years prior. It happens.

2. IF this is all there is and no other betrayals took place, is there then a possibility for R? The only way to establish a baseline of truth would be to have her write a complete timeline of her betrayal and then have her take a polygraph against her claims , i.e. "Beside this, have there been other affairs?", etc.

3. If you then decide to try and stay married to her, what might that look like to you?

My own betrayal happened in the same age range (late 20s) but came out right away. Regardless, the fact that you just found out makes the gut wrenching pain the same as if it happened yesterday and is compounded worse in some ways for the reasons I stated above.

I think there is a thread on this site for folks who found out about their betrayals years later which may be helpful.

Strength, wisdom and clarity to you sir. Hope you keep posting.

ETA: If Ive read this correctly, her affair partner was her coworker and your cousin which makes this a double betrayal. Ill add that the fact that she was sitting with this douche is extremely disrespectful imo and may be indicative of ongoing feelings and/or the affair never ended.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:47 PM, Saturday, January 20th]

Hey lgood, how are you doing?

I'm doing good as expect have a heart problem and will have value replacement soon just trying to think about that and move on I told her I forgive her just can't forget think about almost every day mostly at night thanks for you advice.

It's normal for you to think about it so much. Your brain is still trying to figure out if you're still in danger. You may find IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist to be helpful. It can take 2-5 years to heal from the trauma. This is the time where you need to take care of you and practice lots of self-care.

Hey OP. Sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I would echo the other poster who caution again forgiving quickly. You need to slow down and process this.

There is a concept called "cheap forgiveness". It is where we rush into saying we forgive our transgressors because that is the right thing to do. But we need to know what we are forgiving, the full story of what was done to us, and they other person needs to earn the forgiveness, even if they cannot actually make ammends. They need to demonstrate they're sorry by taking full responsibility for their actions.

Try googling "stages of grief" in order to understand what lies ahead of you. It is a bumpy, non-linear journey. Good luck and keep posting/reading.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 1:00 AM, Thursday, January 25th]

I'm doing good as expect have a heart problem and will have value replacement soon just trying to think about that and move on I told her I forgive her just can't forget think about almost every day mostly at night thanks for you advice.

Sorry to hear about the heart issue. Im sure the stress of this is not helping. Best wishes on the valve replacement.

Gently, Im sure you can see the dynamic tension between the two sentiments you've expressed; forgive her and move on vs thinking of it every day.

My advice is to table this as best you can for now until you have your surgery and recover. Thats obviously priority one. Then, take stock of your feelings and perceptions. If you are still thinking of the betrayal every day, maybe get some input from a good therapist to help you work through your thoughts and feelings.

Again, good luck on the surgery.