TRIGGER WARNING.
I want to give a full rundown of things that happened during her affair and post-DDay so that you people can have a more clear understanding of my situation.
Her A started in January last year and continued until Dday. Her A got physical in April. Since then, they have been kissing and touching each other every day. Sex was frequent, too. Since he is a single guy, it was too easy and convenient for them to have sex in his house. After a while, they stopped using condoms. Regular sexting and the exchange of photos were common too.
I obviously felt devastated after finding out that her A was very physical. I did suspect her A to be physical, but the extent and details of her PA have left me shocked. But, what is hurting me the most isn't her PA. It is those many moments where she chose him over me. For examples:
1. Last year, in June, she went on a business trip with her colleagues. She told me it was a 4-day work trip. On the second day of her trip, I had an accident and hurt my leg, back, and shoulder. I was admitted to a hospital. She was informed the next day. She was scared and worried for my health. She offered to come back that very day. I didn't want her work to be undone. So I insisted she finish her four days of work and then come back to me. My family was with me. So she had nothing to worry about. She finally agreed and returned home two days later. Only recently did I find out that it was not a 4-day work trip. It was only a 2-day trip. She also lied about her colleagues. She told me that she was traveling with four of her colleagues. 2F and 2M. But, in truth, there was only one colleague, and it was her AP. I don't think I have to explain why she lied and what she did in those last two days of her trip.
2. She had her first sex with him on the 4th monthiversary of their A. They celebrated their 4th monthiversay in a nice and expensive hotel in a nearby city. They had nice music, dance, and an expensive lunch before their first sex. They wanted to make sure their first sexual encounter was special.
The messed-up part was that that day was also her birthday. When I expressed my desire to celebrate her birthday in a big way by booking a hotel and inviting friends and families, she said 'no'. She instead suggested that I celebrate her bday in a low-key fashion inside our home by inviting a few of our friends and neighbors. That is what we did.
That night, she didn't want to have sex with me. It was really surprising to me, because that was the first time we didn't have sex on a special occasion like that. Back then, I didn't know why she refused, but now I know. And, I am both hurt and glad at the same time for that.
3. There was a musical concert held in my city in the month of August. My wife and I were very excited for it. We wanted to attend together. But on the day of ticket booking, she told me that she would not be attending the concert because of some 'important' office work. I was disappointed and decided that if she wasn't coming with me, then I wouldn't attend either. She was fine with it and didn't insist that I go without her. Two days later, my friends called and invited me to attend that concert along with them. I didn't want to go, but they somehow convinced me. When I informed my wife about this, her immediate reaction was shock and surprise. I didn't think too much about her reaction at that time. But after dday that reaction started bugging me. When I interrogated my wife, she revealed that her AP wanted to attend that concert with her, and she had agreed to that. He had also bought two tickets for them. But, her plan was spoiled when I decided to go to that event with my friends. She didn't want to get caught with her AP during the concert. So she had to cancel going to that event. Instead, on the day of the concert, they went to a nearby city and spent most of their day in a hotel.
There are a few more discoveries like these. As you can clearly see, in all these moments, she chose to be with him, instead of me. Sexual betrayal was already bad enough for me, but these repeated acts of choosing him over me have really messed me up.
She explains that her affair was a fucked-up fantasy, and she was completely lost in it. She wanted to feel alive. And that risky and immoral behavior made her feel alive and in-control during her A. Her miscarriage and post-pregnancy depression had eaten away her real self. She felt empty inside and wanted to fill it with something that would make her feel alive and excited. Her A gave her that feeling. It excited her. It distracted her from sadness and emptiness. She also said that the routine life that I offered her, coupled with her depression, contributed to her sadness and emptiness. I could not believe this. I had done everything in my capacity to help her heal. I tried everything I could to break her routine and inject some energy into her life. I took her to my grandma's house for many months. It is in a very cool and scenic village. She seemed happy there. In 2022 alone, I took her on 5 vacation trips. They were all week-long and expensive trips. Every weekend, we go out and have party nights with our friends. We are also members of a cricket club. Once or twice a month, we have these cricket matches where both males and females come together and play cricket. It is super fun, and she loves it. So we do have a fun, EXCITING, and engaging social life. I didn't always offer her a routine life. Although our social lives did experience major setbacks in 2021 and 2022, they were coming back on track in 23. So, I don't know what else I was supposed to do. If she expected more from me or from this marriage, then she should have communicated it with me. She knew I would never say 'no' to her. When I asked her this, her reply was that she didn't know what she wanted or what she was going through until her A happened. She didn't come to me even after her A started because she didn't want her fantasy or her marriage to end. She says she was a cake eater and never had any intention of leaving me.
When I asked her about Twinflame, she replied that it was her AP's fantasy. She claims to neither believe in it nor understand it. She went on with it because her AP is obsessed with it and she didn't want to disappoint him. I don't know if I can trust her on this. Although in those few text messages that I read, it was her AP who used that term more than once. I remember her using that word only once.
She has written a timeline for her A. That did give me a lot of info about her affair. But there were also certain truths that weren't there in the TL and I had to dig them out through other means. So, her TL was not complete. Her excuses were that she didn't remember things, she didn't think they were important, etc. Now, all three incidents that I mentioned above were not mentioned in the TL. Don't you think those were IMPORTANT and UNFORGETTABLE moments? She should have mentioned them in the TL. This is a problem for me. I asked her to write another TL, but this time I want a complete one. She has agreed to that. I have warned her that failing to do that would mean the end of our marriage.
She has neither blamed me nor our marriage for her affair. But, she has blamed me for her inner emptiness, which I don't fully agree with. She has taken full responsibility for her actions. She has gone NC with her AP since dday. She is also leaving her job this month. She has also informed her family and some of our friends of what she has done, and she hasn't blamed me but herself for her A.
We haven't had sex since dday. She has tried to seduce me to bed many times while telling me that she misses my comfort body. I don't know if she misses my body or his. I haven't even had a hard on since dday. My point is, I don't find her desirable anymore. Yet, I feel attached to her. I am very angry at her, and yet, I feel anxious when she is not around me. I get agitated when she talks to me, yet I daily listen to the songs that she has sung and recorded on my phone. She is not a professional singer. She has a beautiful voice and loves to sing.
She doesn't want to divorce. She has promised me that she would do everything in her 'capacity' to save this marriage. I don't know if she is even capable of that at this point. I mean, she already broke the sacred vow.
I did ask her that if I can't make her feel alive, then what is the point of me being in her life. Instead, she should go to her AP who makes her life exciting. Her reply was that I am the love of her life and not him. He was just a drug, and she was a junkie. She wanted a distraction. She wanted the high. He was there to provide them. That was all her A was. With him, she cannot have a meaningful life or future.
I am not convinced by her answer. It feels like some bs she read somewhere. I don't believe in this simplistic, one-line description of A. There has to be more to these affair relations.
For the past few months, I have noticed a considerable change in her attitude. She has more energy in her. She is more focused and gives me a lot of attention. Her attitude toward me has become very intense and intimate. Somebody mentioned here that BS is the prize. Well, her multiple attempts to seduce me, her continuous efforts to win me back, and her constant offers to take me on a date night do make me feel like I am the prize. And I confess, I like it. She hasn't been like this for the past three years, and I didn't realize until now how much I was starving for her attention. I find an odd similarity between my current situation and that of hers at the beginning of her A. She said she didn't know what she was missing until she started her A, and then she liked it and didn't want it to end. Right now, I feel that I am also going through a similar experience. I didn't know that I missed her intimate attention until now. Now, I lowkey love all the attention she is pouring towards me, and I don't want this to end. I don't know if this is a temporary or permanent shift in our martial dynamics. If it's temporary, then it's a fantasy, and if it's permanent, then it could be a new chapter in our relation. I want to be optimistic here, but these new discoveries are filling me with reasonable pessimism and necessary mistrust.
This is where we stand now. She is doing everything in her 'capacity' to win me back and build trust. But her TT has been counterproductive to her efforts. And I am swinging between the pleasure of her intense and intimate attention and the pain of new affair discoveries.
Please don't shame me if I appear indecisive and all over the place in this post. I need some more time to get my shit together. I am still trying to wrap my head around everything she has disclosed so far.
Sorry for this super long post. I just wanted to unburden myself in front of people who actually understand what I am going through. Thank you.