Topic is Sleeping.
delahoya1985 (original poster new member #83796) posted at 8:59 PM on Wednesday, November 1st, 2023
Hello,
I cheated on my wife on a few occasions a while back and have since been trying to rebuild trust. The problem is that every time I tell her something now or she challenges me, she doesn’t believe me due to my infidelity. I am really struggling on how best to convince her of my truths. Will she ever be able to trust me again?
Thanks in advance
Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 9:10 PM on Wednesday, November 1st, 2023
What I wish every wayward knew……not only do you damage your relationship. You damage the person you cheated on to her very core. To the very fiber of her being.
Your only job is to be trustworthy. Be transparent. Be present for her in her pain. Lose any sense of defensiveness in this. You did the damage….you need to be willing to accept the consequences.
DO things that are ultimately believable. Make efforts to do things, small things, over years to show you’re growing into a safe partner.
GET into IC. Find out your whys. Get support for yourself to be the best version of you and show her that you want to share that with her over the long haul.
This is a marathon, not a sprint.
EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.
SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 10:31 PM on Wednesday, November 1st, 2023
What Ladybug said.
Your focus right now should be making sure that you are 100% reliable, honest, accessible, transparent, and trustworthy, even if she doesn't believe any of it. You need to work on BEING these things, not just doing things performatively. Even if she never trusts you again, you'll be better off in the long run for being in integrity with yourself. That's really the only thing that you can do.
Every human is different, and although there are many similarities amongst BSs as a whole, you never know how a person will react until they're tested. Some BSs have zero tolerance and know immediately that they want to D; some take months or years to figure out whether or not R is a possibility for them; some want to R right away. FAFO -- literally.
Just do your best and see what happens. What else is there to do, really?
So, what ARE you doing to make yourself a safe partner?
Gasping for air while volunteering to give others CPR is not heroic.
Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.
SerJR ( member #14993) posted at 11:30 PM on Wednesday, November 1st, 2023
I am really struggling on how best to convince her of my truths.
Is there a difference between your truths and the truth?
That's... a very odd way to phrase it.
Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 11:34 PM on Wednesday, November 1st, 2023
Will she ever be able to trust me again?
Proven behavior over time. That's what it will take. And any deviation from truth will knock you back to less than Ground Zero.
Anything you say for the longest time will not be believed. It may even be challenged. And even if that improves for the longest time it will be speculated over. Do not expect things to improve anytime soon.
Trust can be earned back - proven behavior over time.
Caution - if you are looking for Blind Faith Trust to return - that is (most likely) forever shattered.
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades-2 adult children. Multiple DDays w/same LAP until I told OBS 2018- Cease & Desist sent spring 2021 "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
WhiteCarrera ( member #29126) posted at 4:05 AM on Thursday, November 2nd, 2023
Listen to what Ladybug, SacredSoul and Chaos said, PERIOD!
Married 13 years @ D-Day in 2009. Still hanging in there (maybe by a thread sometimes)
delahoya1985 (original poster new member #83796) posted at 9:22 AM on Thursday, November 2nd, 2023
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:37 PM on Thursday, November 2nd, 2023
Are you saying you let the truth trickle out? If so, you lengthened your trust-building by an order of magnitude.
If you did trickle out the truth, it may help to sit your BS down and lay it all out in chunks as big as she will take. She may dump you if you're hiding some facts, but at least you'll shorten the agony for both of you.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Topic is Sleeping.
