SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Can’t believe I’m posting in the divorce forum after so long… years. I have a long history, but after multiple D Days I thought I’d reached recovery. Nope.

Serial cheater WW wants a divorce, and after claiming she was just unhappy, finally admitted she’d been "talking" to an old friend for 2 weeks. I found all this out earlier tonight, and am angry and heartbroken.

I’m not dumb. Dumb for staying and working through multiple affairs, maybe, but despite her insistence this is not an affair I’m 100% certain this it is—the only question is whether or not it’s physical/sexting/just emotional for now.

But does it really matter? Probably not. We are divorcing. I can’t take another recovery, and am already spiraling through the old feelings I’ve already been through multiple times. We have 2 kids, 6 and 5. She had a very successful business a few years ago that she let collapse, and aside from a 3-4 year stint of wild success, I’ve made most of the money the last 17 years. She currently makes none.

Of course she wants this to be amicable (and I do too) for the kids’ sake. If I get a lawyer, I have no doubt she will too, and I know these things can get ugly quickly, especially because I am so angry and hurt. She doesn’t want me taking her through the mud. Obviously. I feel like if I do ANY of the things she deserves, it will wreck any chance at this ending well for me. I don’t think I can be a single parent, and worry about basic things like getting the kids to school if I have partial custody. I also know WA state courts are absolutely brutal on men…even though she’s cheated a ton of times (which I have documented proof of) and I’ve been faithful. I also know I have faults—I can be too negative or pessimistic. Stubborn. Not good at romance. But I’ve tried damn hard and have had her friends and family tell me how lucky she is to have me, despite everything.

I don’t know what to do. I’m angry, debating whether to go sleuth and find out exactly how deep this affair went, but I also just feel a sense of pity for her, and like I should just let it end amicably and spend the rest of my life protecting my kids from the fallout from their mother’s horrendous choices.

I really am lost. And crushed. And scared. I don’t know what to do next, and it’s after 1 am… I can’t sleep. Ugh. I hate this.

Get an attorney. You can't trust her to be amicable,and not screw you over.

I'm really sorry she did this again.

Go to an attorney consult.

I had an amicable [cough] divorce. We worked out all the details ourselves and just had an attorney draw up the agreement.

It was after that point that it was not so amicable any longer but at least we had everything ironed out and signed off on prior to that.

I don’t think I can be a single parent, and worry about basic things like getting the kids to school if I have partial custody.

Yes you can. We do whatever we need to do for the sake of our children.

Oh man, been there, done that.

My advice:

1. You need to accept that your marriage is over.

Meaning, there are five steps to grieving and you need to get to the fifth step (acceptance). You don't have to hurry to get there, but you need to get there. It sounds like you are more than a little bit down this path, which is a positive. A divorce is a legal action/business decision. Detach yourself from the emotion of it all as best as you can.

2. Get a lawyer.

Now.

Getting a lawyer does not mean that your divorce will be combative. It means that you have a legal advocate through a lawsuit (a divorce is a lawsuit... one of you will literally sue the other for divorce). You need to know your legal rights and you need to work towards a reasonable resolution.

Right now, you are feeling sorry for yourself and you are overwhelmed by the thought of being a single father. You are potentially facing significant alimony payments and child support payments. You absolutely need an attorney to help you navigate these waters. I can't help you, at all, because you don't live in my State and laws vary from State to State. But, because you are the primary money-earning from your marriage, you need to know what your future financial status will be. For example, my state assumes that every adult can work a full-time job. My ex worked part time and she wanted to use her part time salary for the purposes of computing child support and alimony -- this was such a huge sticking point that we literally went to trial over that one issue.

3. Be prepared for an ugly divorce.

My ex said that she wanted a quick, amicable divorce too. She then proceeded to do everything in her power to ruin me financially and emotionally. I hope that doesn't happen to you, but the same personality traits of a person who is a repeat cheater... are the same personality traits of a person who goes bonkers during a divorce.

I'll sum of my divorce quickly: We had 10 of something (it doesn't matter what specifically). The law says that she should get 5 and I should get 5. She asked for 7 and I asked for 5 and then she accused me of being unwilling to compromise because I wouldn't "compromise" and give her 6. Be ready for this type of stuff.

Hopefully, this doesn't happen to you. But, put some effort into making sure that you have a thick skin going forward.

4. Be polite and kind to your soon-to-be-ex at all times.

Any hint of domestic violence can be used against you going forward. Do not instigate anything. Be polite. Smile a lot. Keep conversation to a minimum. Don't listen to any of her legal advice or crazy theories. Stop worrying about whether her current thing is an affair or not. She's now your ex and she can sleep with as many people as she wants (and for the record, if she isn't cheating with this person... she's probably cheating with a different person that you don't know about. Exit affairs are thing, yo).

I recommend that you keep verbal conversations to a minimum. Try to communicate via text message and/or emails. Keep all communications.

A few stories from my divorce...

We did in-home separation for almost a year. During this time, my ex-wife accused me of blocking her in a room on three separate occasions... and she absolutely was taught by her attorney to instigate these incidents. On the first two occasions, we were having a somewhat normal conversation while I was casually standing in a doorway, leaning on the door frame. She then proceeded to yell "move!" at me and when I did not immediately move, she accused me of keeping her in a room against her will (which is illegal). Of course, I proceeded to let her through after she clarified that she wanted to leave the room (i.e., "move!" is very different than "I'd like to leave the room, please"). She tried this on a third occasion while I was emptying dishes from our dishwasher. On that occasion, I simply told her that she had an alternative pathway to leave the room and that she could use that or wait until I was finished unloading the dishwasher. At that point, she stopped these accusations because she knew that I knew the law and I'd be avoiding that trap.

My ex-wife developed a legal theory that I was required to live in the school district of our children. Not near her home. Not within a state. But, within the school district of our kids. She has complained that I failed to listen to her on this issue at least 10 times in the 5+ years since we separated.

Also, be very prepared for her to get angry at you when you start to move on. It's amazing how jealous cheaters get. My ex-wife absolutely hates my current wife. She can barely speak to her and she only does so with a clenched jaw. I didn't meet my current wife until my ex and I had been separated for two months, at which time my ex was dating her now live-in boyfriend (I don't know why they aren't married) while continuing her exit affair (with a 21 y/o COW), having an affair with her friend's husband, and having a tryst with my kids' soccer coach (I had access to her cell phone records).

5. Get your finances in order.

I'd recommend that you split all liquid assets immediately (50%-50%) and keep your half in a place where she cannot get to it. I'd recommend that you also separate your credit cards and other joint assets. Be careful to make sure that she still has the ability to spend money and to live a normal life.

You do not want to appear punitive. You are not doing this to punish her. You are doing this to separate your lives. Do not cancel any insurance policies of any kind without her written permission.

Do a credit check. I got myself an account on credit karma (later than I should have) and I noticed that I was still on one of my ex's credit cards even after our divorce. This would have affected my ability to get a loan if I hadn't caught it in time.

Look at any retirement accounts or other investments that you have.

Learn about what is defined as a "marital asset" versus a "non-marital asset". In my State, a non-marital asset was any possession that I owned prior to the marriage (for example, my canoe!) or any gift that given my a third party specifically to one of us. So, her parents once gave me a DVD for Christmas. That was not an asset that was divided as part of the divorce because that was non-marital.

Combine all of these together. My retirement account (from my job) started about a year before she and I got married. Those additions to my retirement account and all of the interest earned by those deposits were non-marital assets. Unfortunately for me, I didn't keep those records and neither did the company that manages my retirement account.

6. BE THE BEST FATHER THAT YOU CAN BE.

This is THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECE OF ADVICE.

You are scared. Your kids are even more scared, I promise. Their entire world is mom and dad together, which ending. So, go out and do stuff with your kids. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. That is, you need to spend time with your children (you don't need to spend money on your children).

I’ve contacted 2 attorneys for consult. WW thus far is being… reasonable? Proposing 50/50 custody, and so far open to discussing either of us keeping the family home to live in, with the other essentially buying it out using savings from a previous 2nd home sale. Then child support.

This feels positive, at least, considering I left the house this morning with both of us heated. I’m trying to keep emotion out of it, but my god. How do you? How do people deal with the emotions of it? It’s like she flipped a light switch, instantly from "tough times but I love you and we’ll get through it" to "no emotional attachment whatsoever, plus yet another affair partner."

Like… I don’t know. My world has been so exploded I’m shell shocked. I’ve been seeing the same IC for years, and she was our MC long ago too—but she’s on vacation this week. Aaaaagggghhh.

I’m trying to hold things together. I can’t eat but know I need to. Same with sleep.

The alien 👽 invasion is mind boggling.

Protein drinks will hold you over when you can’t eat. See your doc if sleep is a problem.

It is hard but it’s now a business negotiation. Do your best to steel yourself before engaging.

It really sucks .

You need to sleep,and you have to eat. Call your doctor..they can give you something to help you sleep.

Eat small amounts of food. A piece of toast. Some fruit. Drink water. Make yourself.

You will be ok.

Get yourself a giant smoothie and have them add whatever nutrients are good for stress. You can sip on it slowly throughout the day. I couldn’t make myself chew anything, but I could sip.

I’m sorry you find yourself here again. Hang in there.

It’s like she flipped a light switch, instantly from "tough times but I love you and we’ll get through it" to "no emotional attachment whatsoever, plus yet another affair partner."

I suspect the flip is due to the latest person she is talking with. She is probably on a cocktail of emotions. This is the ideal time for you to get all the details worked out, agreed to and signed.

My attorney had suggested that while my ex was being very agreeable and amicable because he said they never lasts once people start talking to their buddies.

My attorney was correct. Down the road my ex was not so amicable anymore. It came to the final days of the D and my ex was like "I am not sure about the house....I might have changed my mine". Well, it was too late. We had ironed and legalized that agreement early on.

Thank goodness!

True, she is probably more agreeable now than she will be at any point in the future. She already brought a batch of paperwork home we can start working through, which is both a gut punch, and I guess a blessing since we can start moving.

It sounds like she figured she’d keep the house, I’d move out, and she’d give me all the 401k and some additional savings to buy me out. The problem: she has no income to make the house payment, and if a court somehow demanded I pay it all, I couldn’t afford to survive. I doubt that’s an option, and I also doubt she’ll quickly find a job to make enough to cover the house payment and bills. I said I might like to keep the house and buy her out, which surprised her. It’s a huge house with a lot of maintenance I’m not good at, so keeping it scares me a little… I’d also essentially wipe out my 401k to give to her. Nerve wracking.

I don’t know which path to go down yet.

She was weepy and conflicted yesterday when we talked a little, showing some doubt. The guy lives a few hundred miles away so this is purely EA at the moment and I don’t know how far it went—I resolved to not care about it, emotionally, to get through this… but when she expressed doubt I thought "maybe this is ok and we can stay together, keep my life intact" which meant I started thinking about the EA, because I’d need to address that to stay together again.

Nope.

Man, what a whirlwind. Every moment is a different wave of feelings.

The smoothie idea is a good one. I’ll get one when I go out later. Going out forces me to get dressed and take care of myself…

[This message edited by TwiceWounded at 5:48 PM, Tuesday, October 31st]

Believe it or not, your situation sounds good right now and you should try to keep things as good as possible for as long as you can.

True, she is probably more agreeable now than she will be at any point in the future. She already brought a batch of paperwork home we can start working through, which is both a gut punch, and I guess a blessing since we can start moving.

If you are emotionally not ready for something like this, you can simply tell her that you are not ready and ask for a week to get yourself to a better place, emotionally speaking. Be very bland when you say this.

It sounds like she figured she’d keep the house, I’d move out, and she’d give me all the 401k and some additional savings to buy me out. The problem: she has no income to make the house payment, and if a court somehow demanded I pay it all, I couldn’t afford to survive. I doubt that’s an option, and I also doubt she’ll quickly find a job to make enough to cover the house payment and bills. I said I might like to keep the house and buy her out, which surprised her. It’s a huge house with a lot of maintenance I’m not good at, so keeping it scares me a little… I’d also essentially wipe out my 401k to give to her. Nerve wracking.

Figure out what YOU want. You can ask her what she wants, but that's less of concern to you. It sounds like you both realize that you can only get half. That's a good thing.

I don’t know which path to go down yet.

You don't have to make this decision today. Talk to friends and family and get advice on how to proceed.

She was weepy and conflicted yesterday when we talked a little, showing some doubt.

Her life/marriage is ending too. She's allowed to be emotional. You don't have to pay attention to her emotions, though. Just be bland. Grey rock for the win!

The guy lives a few hundred miles away so this is purely EA at the moment and I don’t know how far it went—I resolved to not care about it, emotionally, to get through this… but when she expressed doubt I thought "maybe this is ok and we can stay together, keep my life intact" which meant I started thinking about the EA, because I’d need to address that to stay together again.

My experience was that... after I got some emotional separation from my ex... I realized that she was not the person who I thought that she was. This made it very easy for me to very quickly become indifferent about her.

Your STBX sounds very similar. You need to accept that she was a serial cheater and that she was not a good partner for you. As long as you avoid making the same mistake, this divorce will be a very good thing for you.

I guess things are pretty good in some ways, meaning she is being amicable while we talk about how to split assets and seems open to me getting the house. I believe that she knows how bad she screwed up and is, at the very least, trying to soften the blow. She’s a decent person at heart, but a horrendous partner (obviously).

She’s started filling out uncontested divorce paperwork. I said I wasn’t quite ready yet, but do think I’ll strike while the iron is hot.

It’s dawning on me the affair is probably deeper and bigger than I knew, which is painful and I’m trying really hard not to think about it and focus on my kids. But man, is it hard. I’m crushed inside, and very angry, and it’s hard to hold it in, or hold myself together.

I took 2 days off work. Now I need to go back, and I’ve also told I need to come into the office more—which averages 2 hours each way. Those commutes are going to be BRUTAL with me stewing about this. Any tips?? How do you deal with that time, forced to be alone in a car??

I did message AP’s partner. He has 3 kids with her, including a 1 year old. Sounds like a great guy huh? Not sure if she knows yet (supposedly he broke up with her) but she deserves the truth either way. I partly want her burn down her boyfriend, because I know I should not take any action myself. We’ll see.

I guess it shouldn’t matter much, but I got definite proof from AP’s spouse that it was an intense emotional affair, with sexting of some kind. She’s in a better place than I am emotionally, despite having 3 kids including a baby… she has an excellent lawyer whom she’s convinced will destroy AP. This guy is a scumbag… aren’t they always? Anyway. I know the A isn’t important now but it still hurts. A lot. In only a few weeks they got very intense.

WW accused me of dragging her through the mud, because I’ve told people she is cheating on me again. She says it’s not the reason she’s leaving…but that she was very very unhappy. I am looking at old texts and do see she was unhappier than I imagined, but I believed much of it was because of her careers falling apart, inability to find any fulfillment for kids or work or life. She wanted to move to CA and I didn’t, which became a bit sticking point.

But I feel like I’m in crazy land. I can’t just lie to people and say she’s not seeing someone else already. Can I? I mean… why would our mutual friends have to know? Maybe I’m wrong for telling them? I guess I AM looking for extra emotional support but it does make her look bad.

I just feel so, so awful and am looking for comfort anywhere I can. But need to keep this from turning ugly.

Hi, Twice, I would tell anyone who asks the truth.

You don't have to give details. You cannot be married to a wife that has a boyfriend. That's it.

Continue playing Mr. Nice Guy until the paperwork is signed and every i is dotted.

Take your attorney's advice. Hope you find a great one.

Do you think she will try to take the kids out of state? Just something to consider since the AP lives miles away.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I live in the same state as you, so I am familiar with the insane traffic and crazy commutes and high housing costs. If I were you I would keep the 401K and sell the large home. I know owning a home is a good way to build wealth, but that commute is going to wear you down. 4 hours a day on the road plus work will leave you no time for parenting or taking care of yourself. My husband had a long commute for many years and it did terrible things to his health, and that was with me taking care of the kids full time. A large home is just is not worth it. After the divorce, rent a small apartment closer to work and regroup. Your kids are young enough that a school transition won't be too bad.

As to what to do on the long commute. I listen to podcasts. My husband worked his way though many epic fantasy series' on audiobooks, and had music playlists to help destress.

You can get through this. I am thinking of you and sending you strength.

She says it’s not the reason she’s leaving

So her affair isn’t the reason she’s leaving? It’s always good to see people deal with their issues in a healthy manner and grow from their bad decisions/s.

When she spouts off with this kind of nonsense just know that she’s trying to convince herself even more than than she’s trying to convince you or others. Don’t worry, she will succeed in persuading herself that her bullshit is perfectly reasonable.

Annb, yes, I am worried about her trying to go out of state. AP lives in the same state but several hours away. But a big driver for her unhappiness was me not wanting (or being unable to) move to CA. She hasn't considered how that will look in the future, even suggesting maybe the kids and I would follow her down there if she decided to move. That's a big point we'll have to address in any agreements.

Icy--I hear you about the house. I'm very worried about commuting, and what the future looks like with how I can both work and parent. Selling the house probably means a more generous custody arrangement for WW... courts generally side with stability and familiarity for the children. I'm having to be very cautious with how I approach this. But needless to say, I know I have to set up a childcare/support system (I have had offers from friends and family), and make sure it looks feasible to a court.

And yeah... she's definitely convincing herself that her A isn't the reason she's leaving, and is somehow managing to NOT feel like a horrible person. It sounds like absolute nonsense to me, but I'm so close to it, it's hard to see. It's nice to hear that validation.

I just found out they've actually said "I love you" to each other. Like, a bunch. So it's deep. No idea how she could know this, and still think she's leaving because she was unhappy and this guy has nothing to do with it. Even mentioning this turns people to "my side" so to speak, which is problematic because it'll make her feel defensive and more likely to start trying to burn me down with a lawyer.

Once again--I hate this. I hate it all so much.

I've been posting here a lot. I've been taking to my sister, and two close friends. Even my mother in law, who is extremely supportive and disapproves of her daughter's actions. I've talked to AP's SO.

I feel so awful, and it just seems like I'm desperately searching for something, someone, anything to make me feel better. Talking about it helps, maybe, a tiny bit...temporarily. But also just feels like an escape. Am I talking too much? Do I just need to go through the fire?

I just have never felt this broken and confused before. I... and I hate to say this... I almost called a hotline at 1 am last night because I wanted to get in my car, flee and just...see what happens, even if it ended up hurting me. I did not do that, and do not want to. But that is how aimless and confused and scared I feel.

I am trying to eat, and have gotten some in me. Not a ton. Drinking water. I guess it's only day 3 after I found this all out and learned my life was *completely* exploding and I was going to start single parenting, but... is this normal?? My god. I need to crawl in a hole and hide for a month, but I can't. I need to be strong, even after being strong for many years, and it was never enough. And I'm so tired of being strong. While WW does whatever she wants without feeling this crushing pain, always with some AP somewhere to run to when the pain and guilt start to surface.

My story is complicated and long enough, and I've gone through things that would make people's blood curdle. Acknowledging my full story, it's probably surprising I'm NOT a basket case. So there's that going for me.

[This message edited by TwiceWounded at 9:57 PM, Wednesday, November 1st]

You are not posting too much. You have a lot on you plate and your world has just been turned upside down. It's OK to not be able to do everything yourself. There is no shame in calling a hotline for help. Please call them before you do anything rash.

I hope you will hire a lawyer to help you navigate the divorce, the parenting plan and child custody. Hopefully they will take some of the burden off of you. Maybe look for a father's/men's rights lawyer. Explain the commute you have as well as the fact that your STBXWW doesn't have a job. I wish there was some way your STBX could be convinced to find a job closer to your work.

I understand what you are saying about needing to be careful with regards to the house and custody and child support payments. This is where a lawyer can help. Talk to your lawyer, but to me it doesn't make sense that you drain your 401K to buy her out of the home that is 2 hours away from your work, unless you have some long game plan. Let STBX figure out if the house is something she can afford on her own. Your lawyer can help you navigate the agreement so that you are not liable if she can't make the payments.

Focus on doing one thing at a time and getting through each day. Give your kids lots of hugs. I am rooting for you.

Hi, Twice, you are not posting too much. Reach out whenever you feel like it, late nights and weekends are a bit slow but someone will always be here.

When are your attorney appointments? You might feel a bit better when you understand how to navigate this mess.

After I found out about my WH affair I didn't want to get out of bed....but I had to, I had three kids, a part-time job, and I was taking classes on the weekends. I was a walking zombie but managed to do things that HAD to get done. Everything else fell by the wayside.

Focus on your health and your kids and your job and how to get through each day. Speak with your WW about finances and kids, that's it. Are you familiar with the 180?

If you are desperate, call the hotline. There's no shame in needing to talk to someone who is experienced and will listen.