SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't have anyone to talk to about my husband's "newest" affair. She was a friend of mine and is his best friend's wife. I haven't confided this to anyone as I feel ashamed it happened right under my nose and I was dumb enough to think it was over between them. Her husband has no idea this has all happened. I don't want to bring this pain to him as I do care for him (friendship only) and he has been a part of my life for a long time (predating his wife). I know I should tell him but this will have consequences far beyond just potentially ending their marriage. Anyway, I don't have a support system. I don't want to bring this to family. I'm really not close with my family and they think I should have left him after the first affair (another source of shame for me is admitting it has happened again). I'm close to my sister-in-law but don't want to talk to her about it either because that's his family. My best friend (really my only friend), is of the philosophy "once a cheater, always a cheater". Again, shame for staying and allowing this to happen.

I am in a constant state of anxiety. It is to the point that my heart is out of rhythm and I've had to undergo monitoring and a stress test. I have ALL the emotions going on. I can go from okay to rage in seconds and then crying. I am sick to my stomach and cannot eat. I really hate myself right now. I don't see my worth. It doesn't help that she is 15 years younger than me (he could be her father), blonde hair, blue eyed. Everything I am not.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I just needed to get something out there.

I am sorry. I won’t suggest you do anything right now but just take care of your mental and physical health. Remind yourself this has nothing to do with you, this is all on him. When you feel better make a list of things you want to do, the path you want to take. Meanwhile reach out here just to vent if needed. Do you have a therapist that you can talk to?

Abalone123, thank you for your reply. I am going to take a little time to see if he is going to do what I need him to do in order to move forward with the marriage. I thought he was doing okay with everything but, dummy me. However, I have printed out divorce papers and having them in hand does give me a little bit of a sense of control. I don't know if that makes sense.

As far as seeing a therapist, I am not. After his first affair, we tried marriage counseling. We went to one visit and he felt "ganged up on" so it never happened again. I also saw someone myself but didn't find her to be overly helpful. She just gave me some coping mechanisms to try to refocus my anxiety. I've thought about trying to find someone but the mental health system where I live isn't the best. There are very limited resources.

[This message edited by ReaganT at 5:17 PM, Thursday, September 28th]

Don’t feel shame. You did nothing wrong at all. That it happened under your nose is their fault, not yours. Reframe that, they were deceptive, selfish, dishonest, all for the "thrill". It’s not your fault, and they should be ashamed. I know exactly how it feels when you realize it was in front of you the whole time. You trusted, they took advantage.

Don’t feel shame that he did it again. You were strong and gave him a second chance, it was his responsibility to make it right, he decided to cheat again. That’s his fault.

Don’t worry about making any decisions right now, focus on your health. I will encourage you though, I hope you find the strength to tell her husband, he deserves to know. The consequences that follow all are on them, not you. It’s scary, but I hope you can tell him. He may even become an ally and can help you through this.

Oh, what a painful double betrayal. I am so glad you have the divorce papers ready because nobody deserves this kind of thing and it sounds like it's a repeated problem.

Any cheating is a terrible trauma, but having read so many books and stories I do understand this kind of double betrayal is a uniquely traumatic situation and your feelings of confusion and shock must be so compounded by this.

I understand the complexities of these situations because it's not a stranger doing this to us, it is the people we love and need most, and so it can be very hard to be objective. I think maybe this might be the final nail in the coffin for you, and I really hope it is.

This has only been a few days - you already know that this is the shock period. Have you got anywhere you can go to get calm and peace?

I’m going to be very blunt here. I think you can take it.

You need to talk to someone. You cannot bear this burden w/out cracking under the weight of this betrayal and resulting trauma.

Find an online therapist. There are tons out there. Find someone you mesh with. Please!! ASAP!

I was you. 10 years ago I was in your shoes. The OW was not a friend but she was much much younger, single and wanting to replace me.

Yes they planned the D before I knew if the Affair. 😡😡😡

I can tell you that you will survive this. We all do. I don’t know your outcome but right now, as others have stated, you need to take care of you.

I can tell you everything I suffered during his last affair. False reconciliation where he continued to cheat. Living in limbo for too long "waiting for him to decide what he wanted". Endless conversations where he "deserved to be happy".

The worst of all - him telling me I never loved him and I married him for other reasons!😡😡. It certainly wasn’t his $ b/c he didn’t have any. 😂

You are reading this and wondering WHY we are still married. Only answer is because I changed and stopped tolerating his crap AND he decided to change (or else we would be D and I would be the one D him!).

But your health and sanity come first. And that is where you need to focus.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:38 PM, Thursday, September 28th]

Try IC, it helped me. If the first one doesn't seem a fit try another. You might want to reconsider talking to you friend, hopefully she will skip the I told you so and just listen.

Talk to an attorney, get your ducks in a row.

You should also tell the OP, he deserves to know. For one thing, she is risking his health. I would want to know.

Thank you everyone. I plan to have a conversation about the possibility of D very soon. I need to gage if this is something that can be done amicably or if I am going to have to go the route of a lawyer, etc. I not saying that D is happening but I want him to know that it is very much on the table right now.

I so appreciate all the advice and first hand experiences. I have a lot to think through. I'm not rushing to any decisions but I'm so done with the lies and manipulation. I have places I can go stay but, again, I haven't brought this situation to anyone's attention. Part of that is me protecting him. I know he doesn't deserve that at all. The other part is, as I said before, my own shame.

Hi, Reagan, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here, but there's so much support and wisdom here from members who have walked in your shoes.

You've gotten some great advice so far. How many affairs has your husband had?

Gently, I think the betrayed spouse should always have the right to know they are living a lie. Obviously your friendships have to end, don't you think he will question why? How do you think he will feel if he ever finds out you knew and didn't feel he should have his own agency with his life?

In my personal situation, the OW husband found out about the emotional affair that had been going on for a couple of years between my husband and his wife. They were all colleagues, and fortunately we live on opposite coasts. Instead of this man contacting me and letting me know that I was living a lie, he confronted both of them and my husband and his wife agreed they would end it. He didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me or in any way affect any of their jobs. It's been 18 years, and to this day I could slug him bc he neglected to send me the memo.

Turns out they never ended the A, and his wife met my husband at his hotel when he traveled to their site about six weeks after her husband confronted them. Had the OW husband informed me, the physical side of the affair never, ever, would have happened which would have saved a great deal of grief on both sides. At my insistence, my husband found another job and never looked back.

Yes, our lives were turned upside down. His job, his hobby, our family, our finances, everything and anything you can imagine had a negative effect.

I hope you rethink not allowing him to have control over his own life. He deserves to know no matter the consequences. Your husband and his wife are the culprits here, he deserves to know he is collateral damage and make his own choices for his life going forward.

I am so sorry you feel shamed.

You should feel ANGER at him for treating you so poorly and lying and cheating yet again.

In times of crisis you know who your friends are. Sadly you realized after the prior affair who you can turn to. And that pool has shrunk to a handful of people.

You feel shame because you are letting the opinions of other people influence you.

So many people reconcile with cheating spouses. Only to face the same problem a second or third or tenth time.

Please don’t be ashamed. Be mad or angry or enraged or sad or whatever you feel…..but shame should not be one of them. You did nothing wrong. You didn’t cause him to cheat. You didn’t create this disaster.

Your H clearly has issues. Monogamy being one of them. He should be ashamed (but of course that is not something some of the lying cheating jerks would understand).

Just to clarify. Does he know you know? If so what is he saying.

Has he broken off contact with her. Have you? If you do the other betrayed spouse will want to know why.

Find yourself a good IC. Keep trying them out til you find a good one.

And just to have agency, next week go interview 3 different divorce lawyers in your town. Decide which one you like and pay them to draw up divorce papers and tell them to hold them to be served until you are ready.

Get prepared. It will make you in control.

Abalone,

I’m so sorry you are back in this awful situation. You are not alone and there are many of us here who have been through it a few times.

I found a local support group in my area that has a monthly meeting. I found the group helpful while I was in the early phase of dealing with my latest betrayal. You may find a support system with your friend who is the other BS. But you may not want to let him know just yet since this is all intermingled. Eventually you should probably tell him.

Sending a virtual hug to let you know you will eventually be okay. My family and friends were not options either so I get it.

S2D

The biggest mistake I ever made (and I made it continuously over decades, through multiple infidelities) was carrying shame.

It rendered me unable to advocate for myself and stole my agency. Without the ability to see myself as someone who deserved better treatment, I inadvertently became the holder of the secret - and keeping the secret became more of a focus that solving the problem. Rug-sweeping, codependent behavior, self blame all followed - virtually ensuring that I'd be right back where I started. A WS will keep right on cheating as long as you make it comfortable and easy for them to do it.

I’ll be blunt:

Your family? Tell them. If they say "I told you so", tell them they're right and then tell them to offer some support or shove off.

His best friend? He’s a victim. Tell him. His marriage is already blown up, he just doesn't know it yet. Protecting him from infidelity was his wife’s job, and his best friend’s responsibility. They blew it. Protecting him from the truth is, in effect, passive participation in the affair.

As for Barbie, flush her like the turd she is.

Him? Only you can demand accountability from him, and only he can choose it.

Put the shame on the ones who deserve it and stand your ground.

[This message edited by suddenlyisee at 1:59 PM, Friday, September 29th]

He knows I know. She knows I know. We actually had the talk of potential D last night. I asked him if he felt it could be amicable and laid out the most likely scenario as to what would happen asset wise (former paralegal here). I told him I looked papers over and was ready to go that route if necessary. He was very quiet. I also talked about the fact that I think this needs to all be brought out into the open. That his friend needs to know. He knows that will not be a good outcome. They also have a business together and that would put an end to that.

As far as WH and "Barbie" (haha), allegedly, they have not had any contact since I confronted both of them Monday. I confronted him in person and her by text. Her first reply was just "WHAT??" I went into further detail on what I know. Radio silence from her to me. However, I don't believe that they have not messaged. He knows I can see a phone log as to what phone #s he has outgoing/incoming contact with. So, he's not that stupid as to text or call her. However, as far as I know, he has not blocked the new TikTok profile of hers from messaging him.

I do not plan to have any contact with her at all. I am done!!! From talking with WH, if he was willing to leave me, she would leave her husband to be with him. However, he told her he would never leave me. He said he told her that multiple times. I don't really know how to process that. I wish I could see more of their messages but he was deleting them. He had accidently taken some screen shots and I saw those in his photos. That is how I figured out things were still going on. She probably thinks I saw all of the messages which makes me wonder exactly what was said between them given she has not defended herself or tried to downplay it.

He has been pretty quiet since our talk last night. He didn't have much to say about the possibility of D. I could tell he was holding back tears. I told him it was not necessarily what I want but I am at the point that it is what needs to happen. I'm going to see how the weekend goes and what he is willing to do to make me feel secure in staying in the marriage. If he doesn't show any movement in the direction I feel things need to go, D will happen.

To answer this question, this is the second full on affair that I know of. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if there were other inappropriate relationships in between.

[This message edited by ReaganT at 2:26 PM, Friday, September 29th]

Her husband has no idea this has all happened.

it happened right under my nose and I was dumb enough to think it was over

This embarrassment that you feel,because you didn't know?OBS will feel the same,only his feeling of betrayal will include you,because you knew,and didn't tell him.

You are helping his wife betray him,by keeping her secret.

If you care about him,you will tell him. He deserves to know,every bit as much as you do.

Also,he needs to be tested for stds.

If you care about him, show him some respect. You aren't helping him by allowing him to be in the dark.

I'm not going to tell you not to feel embarrassed, or shame. Although,logically, you know this is his shame,and he should feel embarrassed by his behavior, all BS feel shame. It's a normal emotion.

He's a serial cheater. They have a very high rate of reoffending.

Save yourself.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:32 PM, Friday, September 29th]

Reagan,

It never hurts to be prepared. Get all your ducks in a row even if you want to save the marriage. Let him see that there are serious repercussions to his actions. It will also help him get out of the Barbie fog. Telling the OBS is also important here. Affairs thrive on secrecy, they have no charm when exposed. The shame should be theirs, not yours to carry.

I hope you can find a good therapist at some point. They are few good ones out there. You can always discontinue after two sessions if you do not like them.

Please take care.

How was the weekend Reagan. I know this is hard. Almost impossible. But you are approaching this well.

Give yourself options and you give yourself the power of choice. Be serious about this and honest to him.

Explore your options with a lawyer. Knowledge is power.

You have been traumatized. Find a good therapist who specializes in trauma.

Take care of yourself.

Wow, what a punch in the chest. Takes the wind right out of me reading this.

Shame on you for having integrity. Shame on you for fighting for your marriage. Does your WH get to share in any of this shame, or are you going to shield him from it and assume it all upon yourself?

It’s not shame your feeling, it’s embarrassment and humiliation. I distinctly remember this feeling-still feel it, but it’s irrational and irrelevant and, more importantly, it’s paralyzing. Many people in peril, in various forms of life jeopardy, actually die from embarrassment. Firefighters lost in burning buildings wait until it’s too late to call for help, because of embarrassment, and their air supply runs out before they can be rescued.

Hopefully, in time, after the initial shock and overwhelming flood of emotions from this extraordinary event washes over you, there will be in its wake, ample scorn and resolve to get to work on your best possible outcome and promising future.

Your husband has betrayed his business partner and you-twice. He’s burned his second chance. The OBS needs to know of this double betrayal. His marriage and his business, his livelihood is at stake. When you’re ready, the OBS should be informed. But for now, your emotional health is the priority. Don’t let your air supply run out before calling for help.

I’m sorry your situation has continued b/c the contact has not stopped.

I was you 10 years ago - facing his 2nd affair but this time he planned to D me.

Except I finally had enough and it turned into me D him. Dday2 was the day I flipped the script with my 30 second "speech" where I told him I was D him. I’d had enough.

I’m not telling you to D him. But I am suggesting that you should figure out what you want in life and make the choices to get it. If you value monogamy and a peaceful existence (as an example) you need to decide if your cheating spouse fits into your definition of "happy life".

At dday2 of affair 2 I decided I had to put my sanity and well being first. For me. For my kids. For my future. And based on where we were in our marriage, he just didn’t fit my criteria.

I hope this helps you.

Something else I wanted to mention:

I too was about 23 years into my marriage when I discovered my spouse’s affair. Now, I’m a pretty independent guy. I always talked big that if I was ever cheated on, that I’d dump my cheating spouse without hesitation. However, when faced with this in reality, with 23 years invested, financially entangled, socially entangled, three kids, still emotionally entangled, futures entangled, etc. etc., I beyond hesitated. I was scared shitless. It was overwhelming to consider divorce. So much to lose. So much work to be done. So much uncertainty and, I was in absolutely no shape to be taking confident action or showing any semblance of initiative, Independence, focus or pro-action. I was completely wrecked, mentally and emotionally disabled. It was all I could do just to remember to breathe, get my ass out of bed in the morning and eat. I was paralyzed by fear, embarrassment, denial, and absolute sadness-depression. Crippling depression.

Start with baby steps. Start by tolerable degrees planning and taking these steps. Plot your course with the help of family, friends and your attorney, when you’re ready, as the reality of the situation compels you and you begin to get your legs back under you. You’ll find that as your path becomes progressively clear, your confidence will grow, proportionately, and so will hope.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:46 PM, Wednesday, October 4th]