SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Edited to add married 29 years, together 33

I'm so confused and at a loss, I need clarity and help.

I found out by discovery (not disclosure) 3 separate "indiscretions". These were all in secrecy, my spouse didn't disclose anything, and I found all this out on my own. There are such heartbreaking stories on here and I feel like I may be overreacting but I also might be in denial/numb stuck in what Michelle Mays calls "betrayal blindness".

#1) About 10 years ago I found a few inappropriate texts between my spouse and a classmate (over-the-line flirty connection stuff). We discussed it, they promised it wouldn't happen again, I forgave, and moved on.

#2) Then recently I found texts between my spouse and a coworker that were inappropriate. Lots of talk about relieving stress (pleasuring self) and if they weren't in relationships and in the same state, they would pick each other to have sex with. My spouse asked this person to "relieve stress" at the same time (they said no). What should I do? I'm bored, do you have any recommendations, lots of winky faces.

#3)In looking through these texts I found ANOTHER text with a 3rd different person, "Thinking of you, I'm at that park we met at and made great memories". I found out that 15 years ago my spouse met this coworker and made out a few times in the car (nothing more happened). I actually called this person and their stories align, neither knew I was talking to either of them.

My spouse said there are no more secrets (willing to do a poly) and is very remorseful etc. I know they are not true affairs but definitely in the cheating category but am I making a big deal about this if I'm considering divorce?

[This message edited by lessthinking at 7:59 PM, Tuesday, September 19th]

These are absolutely true affairs.

Schedule the polygraph, get a foundation of truth, and go from there.

In the meantime, get tested for stds..your spouse as well.

You are not overreacting.

They know they keep getting caught because you see their texts. Start looking for a burner phone.

It seems you have a serial cheater on your hands.

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. I'm sorry that you had to find us. No, you're not overreacting at all. It is cheating, and kissing is physical so I'd consider that a PA (physical affair).

There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that have a lot of good information, so please read them. The Healing Library has even more great information, including a list of the acronyms we use.

Your WH (wayward husband) needs to do some work to become a safe partner, and that will usually mean lots of IC (individual counseling). The A isn't a mistake as all of these are deliberate choices he has made to be unfaithful.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair by Linda MacDonald provides a good blue print for your WH to use in helping through this mess. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. I really liked the chapter on windows and walls that really helps to spell out setting boundaries with people outside the M.

What do you want to do and how would you like for the rest of your life to look like? You don't have to figure it out today or tomorrow, but take some time to process and think.

The emotional rollercoaster is real, so expect for your emotions to be all over the place. If you think you might need meds to help you through this tough time, see your doctor.

Betrayal blindness is a real thing. I was an expert minimizer... with years of experience in diminishing reality out of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being alone. This stuff can turn you inside out if you let it.
As I've learned, you're entitled to assess your own live objectivity:

These were/are 'real affairs'.
You've been dealing with this for ten years.
The odds that you somehow discovered the only three times your spouse has ever engaged in this kind of behavior is statistically near zero.
He's now ACTIVELY juggling two other women at the same time.
One of them goes back fifteen years. (have the two of you been together that long?)

You didn't say who initiated the text - but 'making out a few times in the car' and GOING to the park where it happened fifteen years later to text the other person about 'the great memories' are very contradictory to one another.

It also seems like a red flag that a guy that has been repeatedly caught sexting simply continues to do it without a care as to whether you find out about it or not.

You have EVERY right to consider whatever you want, whether it's divorce, trial separation, or strawberry pancakes. If he can try to set up mutual masturbation sessions in secret and reach out to an old flame to bask in memories, you're surely allowed to feel whatever you need to.
I'm pretty sure there is no unreasonable response to finding out that your husband developed a secret relationship with a coworker to a point that he felt it appropriate to say 'I think the next logical step is masturbating together'.

DEMAND whatever you need to feel safe, and stand your ground. Depending on how you feel, that could be STD testing, polygraph, marriage counseling - whatever. If you want full access to his phone and email - say so. (AND don't let him delay if that's what you're asking for.. It's "give me your phone and your laptop, right now, and the passwords to both - and I'll see you in a couple days...")

Take as long as you need to take to decide what you need.
Change your mind about how you feel if you feel like it.
Come here and get the support you need.

I can't believe how helpful it is reading your responses so far. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Lessthinking

Welcome to SI sorry you had to find us but glad you did. Please don't let him minimize his cheating and don't feel that "its not that bad". Those are true affairs, anything he does with another woman behind your back is cheating.

You are not making a big deal and divorce should be on the table as an option. You have just found out and need time to decide what is best for you. In the meantime he should be moving mountains to help you with details, transparency, helping you heal.

Again welcome to SI you are safe here.

He’s lied multiple times and cheated multiple times too.

Challenging situation for you.

I think you should consider getting yourself your own counselor who can help you navigate this very heartbreaking 💔 situation.

Your cheating spouse should also get counseling, but as well know here at SI, that is something many cheaters avoid or do it half heartedly.

I’m sorry you had to uncover all this.

I suggest you let him have his cake.

Don’t hesitate to confront him. He stated in one of his flings that if he wasn’t already in a relationship and in another state they could be together. Well… tell him he’s totally free to relocate, he’s totally free to be with this woman. If the ONLY thing keeping him from his soul-mate and eternal happiness is his sense of duty towards you… you totally absolve him of it.

Husband – this is the third time I discover your indiscretions.
This is not how I envisioned marriage, nor is it how I want my life to be. You are totally free to go be with Ms. Ohio (or whatever state she’s in…), you can go smooch all your old high-school girlfriends, you can seek all the relief you want from your coworkers… BUT NOT AS MY HUSBAND.
I don’t share husbands.
Nor do I want to keep you here against your will.
Go. Be free to do what you want.
Only… NOT AS MY HUSBAND.

I’m in no rush. I’m going to take my time and it would be in good taste if you kept your wanderlust discreet and maybe out of our home for now. But I am initiating both the legal and emotional steps to end our marriage. It will be a fair process – neither of us will be taken to the cleaners. But until and unless I detect SERIOUS change then that’s the inevitable path I need to take.
If you want ME and THIS marriage you need to be very clear and vocal about it. No "maybe" or no complaints… You know EXACTLY what you are getting and NOW is the time for you to escape this prison if that’s what you really think of me. But until and unless I am convinced… I’m simply assuming you are hitting on all the other coworkers or thumbing your way through your year-book.

And then you just go and start what is needed to detach.

If he starts about how you don’t pay him attention your stock reply: "Sorry you feel that way. If we were working on the marriage then that would be addressed, but since you are all about your freedom and your fantasy then we don’t need to deal with that issue"

This reply is standard to EVERYTHING. You do not enter into marital arguments.

IF he tells you he wants the marriage then there are certain things he needs to do:
Total and accountable truth.
Total commitment – including being an open book on his media, accounts, schedule…
Therapy for him
Possibly MC for both
Probably STD tests…

Even then all his wish does is buy him time. Time that he can use to convince you of his honesty.

Overreacting ? Not at all. I doubt these are just the three instances, they seldom are.

I classify all these instances as an affair. I am surprised you aren’t outraged more. I also don’t think there are harmless making out sessions between two adults.

You really should be putting your foot down here, pretty heavily I must say.

Bigger’s response is spot on !

[This message edited by Abalone123 at 12:42 AM, Wednesday, September 20th]

We are both in individual counseling and just started couples. Why am I not mad? Just sad? Am I still numb? How long does that last? Maybe I have already detached? I confronted him and he knows I'm leaning out of the marriage but I was hoping to make a decision with more confidence. Right now I'm just meh...

lessthinking

No, you are not overreacting!!

As the other members here have pointed out, anything done with another female behind your back is cheating.

Also, as others have pointed out, do not let him control the narrative, cheaters lie and minimize, gaslight and blameshift.

He has to be all in with reconciling, not half in (as is my current situation)

Hope you get this mess sorted out

The opposite of love is indifference. Maybe that is what you've hit.