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Newest Member: Arpit

Reconciliation :
Looking for thoughts


 AhurtHusband (original poster new member #83481) posted at 7:59 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

That's my thoughts CFme. I know she'll be terrified before hand but hopefully relieved after. Even if she's not, my WW needs to step up. We're here because of her selfishness, cowardice etc. For her to maintain that behavior tells me she's not going to truly change inside.

posts: 49   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2023   ·   location: Connecticut, USA
id 8808623

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 7:59 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

There was no friendship happening. This would be like saying that a child molester was a terrific uncle when he wasn't abusing the child. The child molester befriended the child with malicious intent, just like your W befriended the OBS with malicious intent. There wasn't SOME friendship. You can't be someone's friend if you're secretly sleeping with their husband, especially if the reason for befriending them is to make cheating easier. It's just not possible.

The level of betrayal is enormous. My H invited the AP to stop by our home to pick up tickets for an event. He let me tape them to the door with a nice little note that said "Have fun!" She didn't even come, but just the thought of her even considering setting foot on my property infuriated me. That's like a 4 on the 1-100 scale of bad behavior. Your W's actions are completely off the chart.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:27 PM, Wednesday, September 20th]

Let the world feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.

posts: 809   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8808624

3Hundo ( new member #78650) posted at 11:16 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

I haven't read everything so I'm sure others have made these points but...

Your wife basically hit almost every Mt. Rushmore action of disrespect there is.

I'm big on respect. As a man, it's one of the most important ways my spouse shows love.

What you described was a tidal wave of disrespect.

Knowing he has an STD and still went raw with him, exposing you and your child.
The complete disrespect.

Having sex with him IN YOUR BED. In your home is bad enough, but in your bed? No other rooms/locations available in your house?
The complete disrespect.

Rarely visiting you in the hospital but finding the time to be with POS.
The complete disrespect.

Mixing your families to cover the affair and have easier access to POS. When you were hanging out with POS family, how many sly smiles did they have between them? How many times did he shake your hand, look you in the eye and smile? It seems they kind of got off on humiliating you.
The complete disrespect.

You said she was having the affair when she became pregnant by you (thankfully). So, that likely means you were unknowingly getting sloppy seconds.
The level of disrespect makes my skin crawl.

In the time between the affair ending and you discovering this mountain of crap, how did your wife treat you? Did she only become the ideal wife after discovery?

I don't know if you are stronger or weaker than me for attempting to R but I do wish you an excellent outcome, whatever that looks like.

posts: 18   ·   registered: Apr. 14th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8808648

CFme923 ( member #82955) posted at 11:20 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

There wasn't even "some" friendship. You only believe that because your wife says there was. I guarantee if you were looking at this from an outsiders perspective you would in no shape or form believe that person was a friend. I believe that your wife wants to believe that's how it went because it makes her feel better about herself. That's not how this is supposed to work though, WS needs to strip themselves down completely and see themselves for who they were/are.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2023
id 8808649

M1965 ( member #57009) posted at 12:37 AM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023


You wrote something that I think is very significant.

I plan to push the issue that SHE needs to come clean with the OBS. If the OBS was truly a friend in her mind, then she should recognize that she needs to make amends.....Step 9 if you want to look at the 12 step program. Her response to this will be very telling to me.

The element of a wayward spouse proving that they have turned over a new leaf by informing the OBS themselves is almost always absent from recommendations here. And yet, as you so rightly point out, apologizing to the victims of wrongdoings is an integral part of the Alcoholics Anonymous recovery process.

Frequently, the reconciliation process recommended here is for the betrayed spouse to inform the other betrayed spouse, but that lets the wayward person off 50% of their owning their actions/repentance. If a wayward person does not confess to the other betrayed spouse, and apologize, and accept whatever 'flak' comes their way in response, they are not really owning and accepting what they did, regardless of what they may do for their own betrayed spouse.

And such action also makes the revival of an affair unlikely, because the AP will probably not feel grateful/well disposed towards their former co-conspirator.

A wayward spouse's attitude to informing the OBS would be hugely indicative about how 'changed' they really are, and how committed they are to making that change. Great store is put in polygraphs, and they certainly have their place, but a wayward person taking the step of informing the OBS would be an equally significant and revelatory indicator of their understanding of what they did, and acceptance that there were more victims of their actions than just the spouse they betrayed.

posts: 1256   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2017   ·   location: South East of England
id 8808654

 AhurtHusband (original poster new member #83481) posted at 1:16 AM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

M1965 thanks for seeing my perspective. Part of the issue with the BS telling the OBS is that it’s also just as likely to backfire. In some circumstances it could push the two WS’s together due to common enemy thinking. But honestly I’m at the point where if she wants to go…. Just go already. I don’t need her, yes I still choose to love her but that’s because I’m trying to fix the marriage. If she’s not going to do 100% off what’s needed then it’s time to move on ands get our kids into therapy instead of us.

posts: 49   ·   registered: Jun. 15th, 2023   ·   location: Connecticut, USA
id 8808660

FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 7:32 AM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

It's much less likely to push them together as to break them even further apart. And like you said, if that's what she chooses to do after all this, then it's time to let her go anyway.

Make it a condition of R that she tell the OBS. You can be there if you like. Either have the OBS over (alone) or meet her in a coffee shop to break the news.

I am sorry your wife chose this direction, and I'm sorry for everyone this hurt. I hope the two of you can work it out.

posts: 188   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8808671

ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 2:28 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

Sorry, but I just can't agree that having the WS inform the OBS is some kind of gold standard litmus test for gauging remorse. When an affair has been over for five years like what we're seeing here, I'd be more concerned about opening the pandora's box of renewed contact. We never know how people will react to that, and I just don't agree that we are obligated to put someone else's interests ahead of our own even if we're pretty sure the end result won't be stalking, harassment, or violence.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 6960   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8808682

SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 2:47 PM on Thursday, September 21st, 2023

If the OBS has no clue, surprising them with this kind of news in public is a bad, bad idea, IMO. That's not fair to the OBS. I've never been in this position because the AP was single, but I'm thinking that if I was the OBS, I'd want the initial news to come from the BS, not the WS. And I'd want an invitation to speak with the WS if/when I choose to do so. If the OBS knows nothing, this is going to come as a huge blow and it would be softer to have the news come from someone who can commiserate than from the offender herself. JMO

Let the world feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.

posts: 809   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8808686

Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 4:32 PM on Monday, September 25th, 2023

She needs to try to fix the marriage not you. She is not trying. You know what you should do. Don’t let fear of change keep you unhappy.

posts: 86   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8809315

sven ( new member #80286) posted at 4:13 PM on Friday, September 29th, 2023

I know this is not an advice, but your WW is a horrible person. Jesus Christ. She knew it was going to destroy you; she barely visited you in the hospital, instead brought him to your home, had an STD and she knew it, and still wanted unprotected sex. He insulted your oldest, she befriended his AP's wife.

I'm sorry, man... but WTF!
I understand reconciliation, but that is something hard to get over with!
Hell no.

And after all this time, she still hasn't told OBS. Are you kidding!
Again... WTF!

posts: 35   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022
id 8809920

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:25 PM on Friday, September 29th, 2023

Nope. Sorry. Informing the OBS is YOUR responsibility. And,it should have been done a long time ago. You will need to apologize to her for that.

Your ww needs to leave that woman alone. She was never her friend. She isn't her friend now. She isn't even really remorseful. The "apology" would be about her, her feelings, her pain,her,her,her. She will minimize what she did. No BS should ever have to hear about the affair from the person who this case..very manipulatively set out to destroy her.

The ONLY time an AP should EVER have contact with the OBS, is if the OBS initiates it.

You need to call his wife today and tell her the truth she needed years ago.

And,do NOT, for the love of God, do not tell that poor woman that your wife never meant to hurt her,and really misses their friendship.

You may be in denial about your wife's intentions by worming her way into the OBS'S life,but,make no mistake about it, the OBS will be very clear,very quickly, about your wife's intentions.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:30 PM, Friday, September 29th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6184   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8809924

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:04 PM on Friday, September 29th, 2023

The ONLY time an AP should EVER have contact with the OBS, is if the OBS initiates it.

This^^^ the only time I was EVER thankful the AP contacted me was to tell me the A never ended but that's about it. Don't care about their sorrys or anything else for that matter just go back to that dark corner you came from.

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014

posts: 8634   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8809948

Tempocontour ( member #65971) posted at 1:19 AM on Friday, October 6th, 2023

I am late to this posting. Sorry that you are going thru this.

Sorry if you answered these questions but I couldn't find the answers. How did your ww and AP meet if they worked in different bldgs? What made AP break up with your ww? AP's wife never called you and asked why you never hang with them anymore? What consequences have you given your wife? Did you at least expose her to friends and family of her cheating?

posts: 101   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8810656

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 12:56 PM on Sunday, October 15th, 2023

Been a while since you posted on this thread. I hope things are ok.

If you do return I had questions about the 2 Friends who knew about the affair. Did they know about it during the affair and if so did they encourage it or try to discourage it.

Obviously if they were affair cheerleaders hopefully they have been removed from your lives.

Hopefully they discouraged it.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3546   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8811739

wondayatatime ( member #83941) posted at 4:06 PM on Wednesday, October 18th, 2023

Hello AhurtHusband,

I am new to this forum and just took the time to read your story and all of the replies. I hope you and your (3) kids are well. I wish I had something to say that could be helpful, but unfortunately I am in a bit of a shitty sitch myself. I will be thinking about you and what you are going through for the rest of my life. I am lifting you and your children up (in prayer, positive thoughts, and love.) I will never forget your story.

I hope you are at a point where you are finding peace regardless of what you decide. I am really working to figure out if R or S/D will be the correct thing for me. I am a huge advocate for R after these things happen. However, I find your story to be absolutely horrifying. It's almost like the affair and aftermath was designed by some evil tormentor to utterly destroy your self confidence, ability to love and trust again. My brother, you have a lot of people here that feel love for you and are wishing we could form a protective and nurturing bubble around you and your three children.

I am witnessing your pain. I hope that this can ease your pain if only a little bit.

Peace brother.

Me: BH 59
Her: WW 51
D Day 1 - March 2009
D Day 2 - July 2023 (Regarding event 22 years prior)
"Catch a wave and take in the sweetness, think about it, the darkness, the deepness, all the things that make me who I am..."

posts: 55   ·   registered: Sep. 28th, 2023   ·   location: Mountain West
id 8811998

FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 7:52 AM on Saturday, November 11th, 2023

Hi HH,

Its been awhile since we last had a update.
How is the reconciliation process going for you?
I recall that you and your ExWW were engaged in a 13 week marriage programme.
I hope that so far this has been helpful for you.

I recall a couple of comments that you've made previously:

There are two big has finally come to realize just how selfish (and blunt?) she is as a person and I don't know if I can trust that she'll be able to change that long term.

What progress is your ExWW made in both/either of these obstacles?

And concerning your strategy:

My plan is to not jump to any decisions, go to couples and single counseling and see where I end up.

I appreciate that you were going to wait until the 13 week course was concluded before (perhaps) making a decision about how you might move out of infidelity (either by D or R), but do you have any reflections that we can discuss or some frustrations that you want to vent about?

We are here to support and encourage you, especially since you have mentioned several times that you have a deep concern for your children,
Kind Regards,

posts: 94   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8814867
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