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Newest Member: May28

Reconciliation :
This is definitely not how to do reconciliation

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 Dreamdaisy (original poster member #67729) posted at 5:20 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

Hello forum family,

Some of you are aware of my ongoing situation from previous posts, but hell, things have not progressed in a positive light, they have rather got worse in some ways. Apologies in advance, I was not sure if I really should have started a new thread or not.

While I admit that some progress has been made in respect of him being less defensive in me opening conversations,other behavior has got worse, namely the absolute disregard for me asking for him to make an effort to make me feel more safe and being able to start to trust again & blatantly displaying disrespectful behavior by continuing to fixate on members of the opposite sex while out and about, even though I have spoken to him twice regarding this. What on earth is going on here, is he just plain stupid, does not care, I really do not know, it is certainly not making me feel safe, that is for sure.

So sorry, I just do not undersatnd

posts: 121   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: Uk
id 8807337
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 6:11 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

Dreamdaisy:


He also ogles other females in my company, twice I have had to call him out on it, it is done in a disrespectful way. Because I don't understand what is going on, I have started being suspicious again..cue the snooping.


Totally disrespectful and "creepy" as I am sure the "ogled" females would judge.

A glance - ok - more than that - just plain wrong.


Hubby is in need of a morals and behavior adjustment.

Given the time you have spent telling him to change and no change forthcoming - ?? - I have no suggestion on how to change him or how to get him to change himself.

Maybe put several hundred yards between you and him when he does the staring?

There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery.If you’re looking for an adrenaline rush, why not bungee jumping off a bridge span? For an extra thrill, don’t anchor the cord.

posts: 901   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8807345
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 Dreamdaisy (original poster member #67729) posted at 6:18 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

@Hippo16.

Thank you, yes, you are quite correct, just going round and round in circles with it all, I have all but given up on his behaviour being corrected, I think I am more curious as to why such disrespect after what happened

posts: 121   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: Uk
id 8807347
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antbee ( new member #80981) posted at 7:02 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

He doesn't care. He doesn't care how it makes you feel, he doesn't care that his behavior has severely damaged your relationship, he doesn't care that his continued behavior continues to damage it, he doesn't care that his behavior makes you feel unsafe.

I'm so sorry, I understand that desire to want to make sense of it. But you can't understand it because YOU would never behave like him. But for him, it's perfectly ok to treat you like this.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Sep. 19th, 2022
id 8807353
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 Dreamdaisy (original poster member #67729) posted at 7:11 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

@antbee,

Yes, that seems to be the only explanation I can come up with too, and yes, it is very puzzling and confusing to behave in this way after he put me through so much hurt...my logical brain can make no sense of it

posts: 121   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: Uk
id 8807355
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 7:42 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

My H did the same thing during his affair. Like blatant staring at other women right in front of me!!

Because his ego was so inflated that 2 women were fighting over him he just started acting like a complete jerk!!!

It stopped the day I told him I was D him but that’s not the point.

The point is the lack of respect, blatant disregard of your feelings and the fact he really does not care. Your H is acting like a teen aged jerk and doesn’t care the damage he’s causing.

You are right - this is NOT reconciliation.

Is he having a midlife crisis? My H sure was during his affair.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13929   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8807360
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 Dreamdaisy (original poster member #67729) posted at 8:00 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

@TheFirstWife,

Yes, blatant is the exact word I would use to describe the behavior. It is puzzling to me that this is happening in light of the fact that he is supposed to be helping me feel he is a safe partner again? and also, in light of the fact that he does not engage with me intimately at all. I think anyone would be confused by this to be honest, he then tried another tactic, which was to walk behind me in the hope that I would not notice him doing it..I can even pinpoint the women he will do it to, before he actually does it.

Perhaps I should give him a dose of stark reality by making him go and do his own shopping etc

posts: 121   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: Uk
id 8807366
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:23 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

He has no remorse. He doesn't respect you. He showed that by having an affair,and he's proving it now that you know.

Forget not doing his laundry. File for divorce. Save yourself.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6683   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8807373
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:27 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

I don’t see him as someone you can reconcile with at this time.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13929   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8807375
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 Dreamdaisy (original poster member #67729) posted at 8:31 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

@Hellfire,

What is it going to take for me to see the truth, the reality that I keep sugarcoating??

posts: 121   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: Uk
id 8807377
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antbee ( new member #80981) posted at 11:15 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023

Dreamdaisy — I think it feels confusing because you're trying to see it as something other than what it really is. I've been there too. But the reality is he's showing you he doesn't care. That's really all there is to it. He isn't trying to help you feel safe, rebuild trust, etc. He's continuing to be disrespectful and to hurt you, with full knowledge that's what he's doing.

What would you say if your daughter or close friend was being treated like this?

Check out the book "Why Does He Do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. I think that will help with the confusion you're feeling. There's a free pdf of the book online, if you google it.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Sep. 19th, 2022
id 8807407
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:27 AM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

Agree with those that say he doesn't care about how you feel, just how it makes him feel. I'm sure there are many other selfish behaviors along this line. I would honestly detach and start seeing him for who he really is which will help you detach more.

If it were me I would divorce than remain in a M that is so one sided and you are getting nothing but pain and limbo from.

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8765   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8807415
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 Dreamdaisy (original poster member #67729) posted at 11:17 AM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

@antbee,

Many thanks for the recommended reading. It is a hard pill to swallow to realise the person you have spent so many years with does not care that their behavior is hurting you, that is the hardest thing to deal with and understand.

It is only very recently that I discovered (through research) that the behaviors I was dealing with, is in fact emotional abuse, along with the infidelity (emotional) and I do actually understand that none of this is about me as a person, but more about him being broken.

This community has literally been a lifesaver for me, which is why I sometimes feel the need to come back and let others help me make sense of what is going on, so I am so grateful that I can come here and do that.

posts: 121   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: Uk
id 8807457
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 Dreamdaisy (original poster member #67729) posted at 11:20 AM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

@crazyblindsided,

Many thanks for your support and understanding, it is appreciated so much.

It sometimes takes others to point out what is staring you in the face, although that is hard to accept

posts: 121   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: Uk
id 8807458
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:09 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

What is it going to take for me to see the truth, the reality that I keep sugarcoating?

Dr. Ramani has some videos on YouTube regarding narcissistic abuse. (I'm not saying your WH is a narc.) She did some really good videos on trauma bonding, and one went more indepth on the brain chemistry that this does to the person on the receiving end. There's intermittent reinforcement, which is the push/pull of loving behavior. This can cause us to become trauma bonded, and we're willing to stay in situations just hanging on for that pull back in. We become somewhat chemically addicted to our partner, and it makes us sugarcoat things and stay when we really shouldn't. Dr. Ramani describes it so that it's easy to understand, so you don't have to be a brain surgeon to understand.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8807500
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 Dreamdaisy (original poster member #67729) posted at 9:42 PM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

@leafields,

Thank you, I have listened to Dr Ramani not long ago, this was part of my discovery of what I have been experiencing with this man for many years, I was just not aware what it was until recently.

Although I understand the manipulative and emotional abuse, I cannot quite wrap my head around the fact that the other behaviors (disrespect, Ogling other females etc is all part of it) or am I missing something here??

posts: 121   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018   ·   location: Uk
id 8807536
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 1:57 AM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

Right now, you are "confused" because you are refusing to see the behavior as unloving, uncaring and not respectful. You believe somewhere deep inside, that the man you thought he was is still hidden deep inside. That *may* be true, but for right now, you have to deal with the man he is choosing to be. He isn't showing love, care and respect to you...in fact, exactly the opposite.

Now you have to choose. To continue to be his doormat, or to move on and to find someone who will adore you as much as you do them. I chose option b, and I can't tell you the happiness I have today, and the disbelief in how I allowed myself to be treated in the past. I pray you find your way out of this situation, one way or another.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8807573
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 3:14 AM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

I could advise you to call him out in front of these women, as in, "[Insert his name here], you staring at her is disrespectful to her and to me."

Yet, I assume your goal isn't to "police" him for the rest of your lives.

Your goal would be for him to grow some empathy and stop doing it.

Yet, you can't make him feel or show empathy.

Which leads me to your core issue:

What on earth is going on here, is he just plain stupid, does not care, I really do not know, it is certainly not making me feel safe, that is for sure.

When I was struggling with an issue in watching my fWH's lack of growth and progress in key areas, my therapist asked me: "Do you think he's not doing it or that he can't do it?"

It was the same question I'd been rolling around in my own head: Is it that he can't or that he won't?

And suddenly I realized that I knew the answer:

It didn't matter.

It didn't matter if he couldn't or he wouldn't work on this change.

What mattered was that I NEEDED THIS CHANGE TO HAPPEN TO FEEL SAFE.

So if the change didn't happen, his "why" didn't matter. I couldn't stay with him if I didn't feel emotionally safe.

That was an epiphany for me.

What do you need?

Do you need to be with a man who shows you the respect you deserve (and doesn't actively disrespectful you)?

Do you need to be with a person who cares enough to believe you when you say "Hey, this matters to me," and also cares enough to take positive action?

You don't need to understand his motives to decide what YOU need in a relationship.

Be in the relationship you deserve.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 3:15 AM, Wednesday, September 13th]

"...lately it's not hurtin' like it did before. Maybe I am learning how to love me more."[Credit to Sam Smith]

posts: 484   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8807575
Topic is Sleeping.
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