I finally called it quits, but second guessing myself

I'll try to make the backstory short here. (Now that I've written it all, it's longer than I expected. Sorry) My WH started an affair in 2011, less than a year after I'd almost died giving birth to our 2nd baby. That affair continued for a few months, and then continued for the next decade over the phone. I didn't find out about it until the end of 2020. I later found out that over the years he'd been on dating sites, Ashley Madison, tried initiating other affairs at work, but was unsuccessful. In early 2020 he told me he'd met someone at work and wanted a divorce. After a couple weeks he ended that and we attempted R. But it was false R the whole time, as I found out later that year about the decade-long affair and datings sites and so on. Needless to say I was absolutely devastated.

I kicked him out mid-2021 and filed for legal separation. Didn't speak to him much for the next year. He was very sorry by this point and finally felt the full weight of his actions. We slowly started doing some things together as a family (like Halloween, or a random bike ride), but I was still very much not healed. I sank into a deep depression for a long time. By last year I was feeling more like a normal person again, and WH had been consistently here for me and our kids over all this time.

The reason I'm writing is becuase I so badly just want our family back together. It's like I want him here, but I also don't want him here. I'm angry that he stole so many years from me where I could have been with someone who truly cared about me. But also, it's done, and he seems to really be fully in now. But my god he's caused me so much hurt and been so disrespectful and unloving. If we didn't have kids this would be such an easy answer for me. But we do, and it just feels important for me to have us all together. I want something I can't have: either a life without him, where I get to raise my kids with someone who's all-in, or to have him here in an existence where he didn't cause so much pain.

Lately we've been in this weird limbo area, and I finally told him I know we can't keep going like this, and I just can't commit to 100% being back together and living together again, so I'm going to finally call it quits. And i feel AWFUL! I don't want this. I don't want any of this. I want to say ok, come back. I can see you've been trying hard for the last few years, and that counts for something. And I want my family together. And actually things have been pretty good. And we can get back to doing things and making fun memories. But also it's all so tainted for me. I feel like he never really loved me to be able to do the things he did, and so he probaly doesn't love me now, though he says he does.

I know this is all the consequences of infidelity. It ruins everything and makes the WS's words and actions feel meaningless for the BS. I just don't know what to do here. I'm so sad all over again.

7 comments posted: Tuesday, March 25th, 2025

I'm stuck. Exactly where I didn't want to be.

I need help. I filed for legal separation and kicked my WH out in late 2021 (multiple Ddays and TT'ing all throughout 2020). We've been separated ever since. At first I didn't want to speak to him and didn't want him near me. He'd had a decade-long PA/EA (that ended a year before I discovered it), and I just couldn't stand to be near him. I was horribly traumatized and had developed PTSD from this.

He did *not* move in with an AP. He's living with his mom. He is not with anyone. After some time, I decided I did not want to split time with my kids, and I let him come here more. So for the last year and a half or so, we occasionally do things together as a family. This has become normal-ish for my kids (both teens now), sometimes dad comes over to hang out.

(Apologies if my thoughts are all over the place)

Throughout this time I've just been in deep, deep grief and pain. I'm feeling somewhat more ok now, but I'm in this limbo place I did NOT want to be when this all began.

I cannot support myself financially. I'm living on alimony & child support which is enough to pay my bills right now, but it won't last forever and for example I need a new car but I can't get one because I can't afford it. I don't have a degree or any way to make enough money to support myself.

The possibility of us reconciling has been on the table this whole time. He very much wants that. I have mostly refused to talk in-depth about anything with him because I just feel like what he did is unforgiveable. But also, I want my family together and I want to be financially stable. I can't seem to firmly make up my mind when the possibility of us all being together and being financially ok is right there, but also I'm ok for now, so I don't really *have to* make a decision. I've allowed myself to just let things be so I could try to heal. I'm embarrassed it's taken me this long to start to feel ok (I don't feel totally ok, but I don't feel stuck in such deep grief anymore).

I'm not sure what I'm asking here. I think partly I'm looking for someone to tell me it's ok to reconcile. That maybe after 2 years of him consistently being here any time I need him shows he's really trying and maybe we could make this work.

I'm also sad and angry that my options are 1. reconcile and be financially ok, but have to eat the shit sandwich of a LTA, or 2. finally cut ties for good and maybe feel more ok emotionally, but struggle financially. I'd appreciate any wisdom here. I'm in tears writing this all out.

I feel like I know logically how I feel and where I want to be, but life circumstances aren't ideal and so I'm trying to justify things.

7 comments posted: Thursday, January 18th, 2024

Looking for help making a decision.

Just over a year ago, I kicked my husband out. It had been a year of trickle-truths, D-days, finding out about a LTA (PA at first with her, and then the rest of the time was online), false reconciliation, and I just needed him out. I couldn't stand to even look at his face anymore and was in constant hypervigilant mode and deep rage. I have never felt so terrible in my whole life. At first I was positive I'd never want to reconcile with him again, but I needed time to think, breathe, and start to process all of this. It's been nice to have this year of space and time alone.

My biggest issue is that we have kids and I have always just wanted my family together. Honestly, if we didn't have kids, I would never speak to him again. But we do, and it's an important consideration for me.

I'm glad my kids saw me stand up for myself and refuse to accept my husband's mistreatment. I'm not trying to go back to a bad relationship "for the kids," I only want to consider trying to reconcile with him if it can be good and healthy and I can feel good about it. We don't have the fairytale love story, but if they could see their dad turn himself around and be the dad/husband we need, I figure that would be a positive thing.

I am still attracted to him, and I still hate the thought of him moving on with someone else. Neither of us have been seeing anyone else this past year (of course he's proven himself a liar and a cheater, but from what I see and know, I really don't think he has been). But I don't know if I can ever trust him enough to really feel secure and safe with him again and let down all these huge walls I've put up. Although, I don't think I will trust anyone so completely again. I feel like that part of me is gone.

There have been a couple times over the last several months where I told him ok, I've made a decision, I'm officially calling it quits. But then I call him the next day saying "Wait, maybe I'm not...." I know I can't keep doing this.

The reality is that he hasn't done a whole lot to improve himself over this last year. It's not nothing, but I was really hoping to have seen more. But still, I have this part of me that feels like maybe I want to move forward with him and see how it goes. But I don't want to do this to my kids again and possibly have to go through the separation all over again if it doesn't work out. I have so many conflicting thoughts and feelings.

I hate that he's put us here, but here we are. I know I'm the only one who can ultimately decide, and I have to be able to live with it either way, but I'm hoping I can get some clarity here about whether I want to try again to reconcile.

17 comments posted: Sunday, October 23rd, 2022