1345Marine (original poster member #71646) posted at 2:38 AM on Monday, September 11th, 2023
This is a weird post, and I'd love to hear some thoughts. With as bad as betrayal and infidelity hell has been, today I took a kick to the gut that hurts way more than I think it should. But it does. I'm a diehard redskins/commanders fan since I was a child and my dad and I made it our thing. It's big to me. Football season is akin to Christmas to me. Ww never got on board, not a huge sports fan, no big deal. Today I went to opening day with my 11 year old son. Ww's AP is a fanatical steelers fan, has the car decked out, basically brands himself as steelers everything. I noticed WW wore a steelers hoodie during the affair, but she Saud it was from a random box, and I've got a grown son and other male family, so I never put it together until post dday. Today my son made the innocuous comment that "mom says the steelers are her favorite team and wants me to like them"..... that hurt. Not only did she embrace a team for him in a way she never wanted to do for me, but then tried to steer my son that way knowing how valuable that bond has been for my dad and me and I wanted with my sons. It may not happen for a million other reasons, they might just decide they love cowboy blue. I don't know. But for her to embrace and then steer my young son towards AP's favorite team???? That just sucks and hurts. I'm overreacting in the big scheme of things. I guess I'm just venting. Thank you for giving me a place to do it.
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 2:44 AM on Monday, September 11th, 2023
Oh hell no! You are not over reacting one bit.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 2:57 AM on Monday, September 11th, 2023
That is not petty.
If she still has that jersey and she still supports that team, that’s a big problem.
She cannot have any mementos of her affair.
That’s even the professionals advise.
If she still has it I would take it and toss it in the trash or burn it right now.
I’m so sorry. You’re in so much pain.
I hope things get better.
InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 3:00 AM on Monday, September 11th, 2023
Sometimes it’s the "little" things that just twist the knife. Before my wife confessed, I had been super duper pursuing her, like a preemptive pick-me-dance as I felt her slipping away. At one point I asked her if there was anything I could do to improve my attractiveness to her, and she said increase arm strength. Well post d-day I put 2 and 2 together and ask her if that request was because of him, and she admitted it was. Makes me want to say fuck off to weights for life, which I know is not beneficial to me but who needs that kind of mind fuck when working out is already a challenge.
Anyway, not to make it about me, sorry if it came across that way. That feeling of "she did for him what she would never do for me", I’m feeling that tonight myself. Really sucks. Sorry, Marine.
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. - Max Plank
BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 4:10 AM on Monday, September 11th, 2023
This happened today?!
Your wife will never cease to find ways to shank you in the gut when you least expect it.
In your last post, you talked about things looking up… well here’s exhibit 1003 demonstrating that you still have a cruel and remorseless WW.
No, you’re not overreacting.
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried
I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.
1345Marine (original poster member #71646) posted at 3:10 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023
Thank you guys so much for your replies and empathy. I need to clarify a couple of things.
1)the steelers hoodie has been gone since I put it all together over a year ago. I shredded it. It's not ideal, because she tried to keep it even after D-Day and continued the lie that it was from a box in our basement until I figured out who AP was and saw that the steelers are his personality..she swore she "just loved the hoodie, nothing to do with him". But then she went back to him and we had DDay 2 a year ago. Anyways, the AP's hoodie and all other mementos are gone as far as I know. I always fear she hides some, or even that she just still deep down treasures him in her heart, but don't most of us BS's still with our partner fear that?
2) yes, it happened yesterday, but that's not when she said it. She didn't go to my son right before the game or anything like thar. He just casually brought it up while we were talking doing some tailgating. He could've been referencing something she told him 2 years ago fully immersed in the affair for all I know. He remembers little things, and whatever/whenever it was it made the impression on him that "mom is a steelers fan and wants me to be one too".
Thank you guys so much for making Me feel heard. And inkhulk, keep lifting bro. Don't let anyone steal the glorious house of Gains (the gym) from you. It's my favorite place, lol. Its been my liferaft during all the infidelity hell years. Wishing you well brother.
HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 3:45 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023
No, sometimes the heartlessness is just hard to take.
My team beat the Steeler's ass yesterday, so there's that.
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 5:03 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023
Yeah, this sucks.
Emotionally, this is the equivalent of "My wife did XYZ sexual act but refuses to do it with me". She happily did something with AP that you value that she has specifically rejected. It really sucks. In some ways this sucks worse because the poor decision-making related to immediate sexual arousal isn't really in effect.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
survrus ( member #67698) posted at 6:28 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023
Wow you are if anything under reacting.
Does your WW claim she does not understand what she did?
Does she understand where her new found love for football and that team came from.
Her loyalty to that team is really a loyalty to OM.
Affairs change the cheaters in ways I sometimes think even they don't recognize.
The basic facts of their lives are no longer the same.
Reminds me of my cousins wifes daughter she cheated on her BH, started riding motorcycles and got tatoos before it became known. Amazing how the affair partners reprogram the cheaters brains.
[This message edited by survrus at 6:30 PM, Monday, September 11th]
deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 8:34 PM on Monday, September 11th, 2023
I am sorry you are hurting and you are definitely right to get rid of that sweatshirt the way you did. When I hear stories like this, I tend to take a different spin on it. I don’t think of them as doing something for the affair partner as much as them trying to pretend to be something for the affair partner (like they are doing a pick me dance). I know another lady that is not an affair partner, but the things she enjoys always change with her current boyfriend. She changes boyfriends about every two years and I always see that she suddenly loves everything the new guy loves. I find it sad. It’s like she can’t be herself. That’s what I think of when I see these kinds of posts: the wayward partner is just trying to be something they are not.
Me FBS 40s, Him XWS older than me (lovemywife4ever), D, He cheated before M, forgot to tell me. I’m free and loving life.
1994 ( member #82615) posted at 3:18 AM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023
That really sucks. Are you planning to ask your spouse about it?
Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 3:53 AM on Tuesday, September 12th, 2023
No this is unacceptable she has no interest in sports, but is going to wedge in between your Son? Bonding over sports is an incredible part of growing up. We don't follow UFC but my during my WW's A she showed interest in it. Well I found out AP is a huge fan. I walked in a store and they had a beer advertisement / Display and it was UFC, it triggered the shit out of me.
I'm a life long Dallas Cowboys fan, I have great memories of watching the games with my Dad. My Son and I now talk on the phone during commercials we love the Cowboys and I would be highly upset if my WW ever tampered with that.
T/J I'm not a not a Washington hater, I reserve all my hate for the Eagles.
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years
Seeking2Forgive ( member #78819) posted at 8:48 AM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023
A Steelers fan? Talk about affairing down.
No, this is not acceptable in any way. If your WW were truly remorseful, understood the pain and devastation she caused,
and cared about how you feel then anything reminiscent of the OM would make her ill. She's either low key still pining for OM or she's totally oblivious and just hoping to move on with minimal disruption to her life.
Me: 60, BS -- Her: 59, FWS -- Dday: 11/15/03 -- Married 37 yrs -- Reconciled
Nexther ( new member #83430) posted at 3:40 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023
I’d dump her cheating/lying ass and let her root for any football team she wanted.
Let your son know why mommy likes the Steelers so much
Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 4:24 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023
As a Ravens fan I can fully understand why you are miffed at the thought of a Steeler fan in your bloodline
Look man, my FWW and her AP got fucking matching love tattoos, like honest to God little designs with hearts in the middle. She got the tattoo in 2018, but I wouldn't learn of the affair until 2020, so for over about 2 years I would see this tattoo and never even think anything of it, but now I can't unsee it based on what I know now...It is a topic that I have strategically chosen to backburner while we work on our recovery and reconciliation, but it is still an unresolved issue. All of the other crap she had from him was boxed up and sent back to him, donated to Goodwill or thrown away.
Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985 Her - BW & WW - Born 1986
D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020
Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 4:46 PM on Wednesday, September 13th, 2023
Marine, i feel you.
Triggers can come out of nowhere.
"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.
1345Marine (original poster member #71646) posted at 12:44 AM on Friday, September 15th, 2023
Thank you everyone for making me feel "not insane". It also feels really good to hear a smattering of steelers bashing, selfishly, lol.
BOR, man my heart breaks for you on the tattoo. That's unimaginable. I feel like I'd require it to be removed as a condition for reconciliation..I'd be very upset if she didn't offer that on her own. But I've learned enough through all this to know me saying what I'd do in someone else's shoes is pretty pointless because I dont actually know. I'm struggling with wondering, "what is a momento of him", and now I basically look at everything that came into my house since 2019 and want to toss it. She had a thread bracelet with a brown thread intertwined with a white thread (fucking cute, right), and I still check her wrist constantly to make sure it's not there, even knowing she wouldn't even if she was with him now that I know. Affairs suck.
SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 4:04 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023
I'm a life long Dallas Cowboys fan.
T/J I'm not a not a Washington hater, I reserve all my hate for the Eagles.
Same. I was rooting hard for the Vikings last night. Sigh. Also, HIGH FIVE, Tanner! How 'bout them Cowboys?! 40-0?!
My H saw Eli Young Band with the AP when I was away for the weekend with my kids. When I got home, he was sitting on our front porch wearing an EYB hat. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but when I put the puzzle pieces together later, I shredded that damn hat with my bare hands. We have since "reclaimed" EYB, but they still trigger me slightly.
Do you plan on talking with your W about it, Marine?
[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 4:06 PM, Friday, September 15th]
Let the world feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.