SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel I'm really struggling to view my WH as anything but a monster. I do want to R (I think), and I know he has many great qualities (I made a list and everything!), but I can't seem to accept them.

I view him in such a dim light and think of him as less than - I have said some awful things to him, which I feel terrible about, because it's not in my nature to be so nasty.

I feel for us to try and move forward and my heart to heel, I need to re-humanize him and see him as the flawed individual he is, but that is doing all he can to become a better person.

How can I do this? At the moment, he may as well have horns ☹

Meaning no offense, but I don't think I understand the question. Why do you want to R with someone you see as a monster? You don't respect him, you don't even like him right now. Why would you want to manipulate yourself into wanting to stay with him? It's not like you're just out of the blue unhappy with him. He cheated, right? I'm sure he has good qualities. Everyone has good qualities. Your brain seems to be telling you that you don't want to be with him. I think that's an acceptable position given he cheated on you. It's not your job to twist yourself into a pretzel to find a way to want to be with him. That's his job. It's your job to heal you and that doesn't have to have anything to do with him.

Dee asks questions that you need to answer, though I think you need to see your H as a flawed human being even if you D.

I saw my W as a human being from the start, but I did go through brief phases in which I questioned whether she was a good candidate for R. I also went through a couple of phases of contempt.

IOW, maybe you are telling yourself you want to dump your H; maybe this is a phase.

In general, I believe indecision will get resolved when your head (facts, logic), heart (what you want), and gut (intuition) align on one solution or another. I see nothing wrong with taking time to get h-h-g aligned - you want the optimal decision, which is rarely the quickest when R is a possibility ... you just can't know if your WS is a good candidate for R quickly ... it takes time for the WS who claims to want R to show their true colors.

Give yourself a break. Have faith in yourself. Let your decision grow without trying to force it.

What has your H done to heal? (I'm pressed for time, so I haven't checked your previous posts.)

Dee, I realise it might sound absurd. Why DO I want to R with someone I see as a monster? The simple answer is because I still (somehow) love him. I can see how hard he's trying, and I can see so many different areas of improvement. And it hurts ME to see him in this light, it doesn't align with my values.

Sisoon, I recall you mentioned in a different post re the HGH alignment and I thought they were very wise words. Nothings in alignment at the moment. Head tells me D. Heart...well, changes minute by minute. Gut...inactive at the moment.

My WH has done all the recommended job change, STI testing, NC, accountability. He's had IC and is currently having hypnotherapy to deal with the fact he keeps lying. Hypnotherapist feels this issue stems from his childhood, and his fear of abandonment. Apart from TT, he's not once blamed me, he takes full responsibility and he's trying to fix his brokenness.

I'm not sure if he's R material though or whether I am either tbh 😪

I’d ask if it’s really seeing him as a monster, or actually seeing the real him. It’s a hard thing to mesh the image we thought we had with the reality that we now see.

Don’t force yourself to see anything other than you do. Accept the reality, and decide if you can be in a relationship with that.

We have all said awful things in the bloody aftermath of affairs. The lies and gaslighting was so tremendous, when I had my reality back I unleashed hell. Took me a long time to not flip over small things.. It happens. It’s ptsd.

Whiskey, I read this post and felt almost envious. I had the opposite problem and struggled to stay angry at WS so I kept letting him get away with murder and completely disrespecting me and in the long run he walked all over me and the relationship was ruined anyway.

That anger, that loss of esteem, that disgust - it sounds really healthy to me and a good motivator for him to EARN back your opinion. It should really be HIM here typing "my BS is so angry and disgusted that she can't see me in a good light anymore, how do I earn back the love, respect and good opinion she once had for me".

Looking back I think that's the right and healthy attitude, and it's okay to feel like you do.

HINHF, I know, I just can't help but feel horrifically guilty for the things I've said. It's haunting me.

I mean you're right, I could just be simply viewing him in the light of this is the real him. But if that was the case, shouldn't I also be able to pragmatically see the fact that he is not simply all bad? I should also be able to see the good too? I can in a roundabout way, see the good....but it doesn't seem really reasonate in my brain. I can say the words, but I don't feel them

Not sure if I'm making sense, I've barely slept, sorry!

How have you come to accept the reality based version of your wife?

I'm not sure if he's R material though or whether I am either tbh 😪

WhiskeyBlues, I'm not a good candidate for R and I don't see that as a judgment against me. It isn't a judgment against you if you aren't either. There are things that I cannot get past, that my brain won't allow me to get past. That's okay. That's self-love and self-protection. It's not a value judgment against me if I cannot stay with someone who cheated on me. It broke the bond and nothing in me wanted to re-bond, no matter how inconvenient and life-altering divorce was. My XWH actually did just about everything right in the immediate aftermath too. He dragged me to a therapist to try and keep me there. He dedicated himself to me to a great extent trying to convince me to stay, to win me back. As messed up as he is today, he also has good qualities. He's not evil. He's damaged and no doubt suffers a lot. That isn't my doing. I'm just not built to stay after a betrayal like that. Some people can forgive and move on to R and that's fine too. For me, it was just broken and he couldn't have had my full heart again. I still loved him too for a while. That wasn't a good enough reason for me to stay. Love is one of those things that can fade away and die if you let it, and I chose to let it. I divorced and that wasn't the end of my life. I have a full and happy life now and I'm grateful for it. That's a future you can choose if you don't wind up wanting to R.

Either choice is okay, but I don't think that it's healthy to try and force yourself to R if you aren't feeling it. When someone cheats, they really do break the marriage. You didn't break it. If you divorce, you won't be the one who broke it. It's broken now.

I mean you're right, I could just be simply viewing him in the light of this is the real him. But if that was the case, shouldn't I also be able to pragmatically see the fact that he is not simply all bad? I should also be able to see the good too? I can in a roundabout way, see the good....but it doesn't seem really reasonate in my brain. I can say the words, but I don't feel them

Every single person on this earth, from the best to the worst of us, has good and bad. If someone beats my dog, I'm not obligated to give a damn if he also feeds the homeless and takes care of his aging mother. No one is all bad. If I hurt someone enough, they don't have to care that I also do good things. Otherwise we'd have people on trial for crimes and the defense would just be "but he volunteers and has a nice smile and is really good at fixing broken dishwashers". Having good qualities doesn't absolve someone of the harm they've done to you.

I said some very "indelicate" things to my WW on Dday. Do I feel bad? Nope. They were all accurate. You processed a trauma that was inflicted on you by the one person who, after having stood before God, family, and friends, vowed never to do those things, did them. You get a pass on being indelicate.

I entered my marriage contract thinking that my fiance was a certain type of person. She revealed herself to be another and so, I could never look at her the same way again. We all look at our significant others through the prism of what we want to see. When they shatter that prism, we need to reassess what we want going forward.

Was/is my EXWW a monster? No. What she is, is a very low quality human being. Some people are just shitty people for whatever reason, be it FOO issues, wiring, etc.

From a quick read, I'd say your WH is just a morally weak person and not a monster. It may be that his A destroyed the core attribute you found attractive in him and you are finding it difficult to reattach to him without that.

I'm another one who said awful things to my xWS and I too do not feel bad about it. Most of it was true anyways...besides the name calling which was me taking it out on him trying to hurt him as badly as he hurt me.

Some of us are not built for R. I couldn't stop seeing my xWS as a monster too. Well he did in fact turn out to be a monster and I was seeing him in the correct light. I think even if he had been remorseful I was not built for R. I know that about myself now. I could not handle D-Day or my reactions to it. Had lost all respect for XWS then became completely repulsed by him eventually.

There is a really good book that explains why we have such extreme reactions to infidelity (it is not an R friendly book but eye opening nonetheless). It's called "Cheating in a Nutshell." This book best explained my reactions and feelings after D-Day towards my XWS.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:29 PM, Wednesday, August 23rd]

R is tough as it is, worse with a spouse that you think is a monster.

I remember your post history, he’s done some really crazy **** that honestly is hard to come back from. So he would really need to be a solid 10/10 in R.He most likely isn’t.
The effort to re-humanize needs to be from him, not you. He’s shown you what he is capable of , now he needs to show you that he is capable of change and not being that monster again.
Communicate what you need from him A-Z to see him less of a monster.

My WH has a wonderful IC and is constantly focused on the marriage and trying to get us to view each other positively, improve our connection. It’s another story WH isn’t making much use of it . I would imagine a therapist like that could do wonders if both partners were very amenable to therapy and looking to change.

It’s also might be too soon for you to see him in a positive light. You could give yourself some time to see if things change. This is such a roller coaster, emotions change all the time and I think time is the biggest healer. You will settle down to a baseline and if then he still looks like a monster , you know what to do.