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... however she still finds the time to blame me for all the things that went wrong in her life.

Resume: We had a seemingly happy and steady marriage for 15 years, and one day she told me she didn't love me and wanted to leave. One day before she left I found out she was cheating. She took our sons and moved in with her lover 1 month after she left. That was more than two years ago, since then she started making bad decisions one after the other. The lover is broke and is basically a hustler, but for some reason she fell for him. One year after she left, she took my kids without a warning and left town. I spent two months trying to find my sons and 8 months passed before I could see them again, and only because a judge forced her. The divorce took 2 years (because of covid and other mysterious delays), and I had my visitation schedule settled on February this year. She took them to a city 7 hours away by car, so it has been challenging to keep the schedule, specially when she started to try to force me to be there at 5pm on Fridays when I leave work at 3pm, and as I stated, it is really far so I was forced to take airplanes, however I have managed so far.

So back to the title, apparently she is just realizing that this guy was not her prince charming, and they are really struggling financially, because she is the one paying for most of it (and by her I mean the alimony I give my kids). Apparently she got fired from her job because she is absent a lot of the time, and she told my kids it was my fault. So, she told a friend that she wants to leave the guy and move to yet another city, but she hasn't told me yet. Her friend called me out of concern for my kids and I found out by her that she already applied for a job and got it. The situation is that the judge ruled she can't move without my permission, however this hasn't stopped her before. Her friend asked me to help her because of the kids, but we haven't been able to speak in a civilized manner since she ran away with my kids. And believe me, I have tried. School begins in two weeks, and she told me that she already enrolled them on the city she was supposed to be, but she refuses to give me the invoices so I can send her the money, and now I know why.

Now, here is the question, I know she is struggling and somehow I think she has made a lot of bad decisions and I shouldn't get involved, but in the other hand... if she is struggling financially, my kids will suffer as well. I can't afford to help her economically if they leave so far away from me, because I won't stop visiting my sons, so, should I offer her help with the condition of her coming back to our home town? Should I really make her that offer? what happens to my kids if I don't get involved?

I am omitting a lot of details, but the post is long enough as it is.
I can't sleep since her friend called me and told me the real struggle my kids are facing...

I dreamt about her the night before her friend called... sure it was a coincidence, but it had been a loooong time since I dreamt of her. I don't wish her harm, but she has made my life miserable for the past year when she ran away with my kids following this relation, so it is very hard for me to even think that I should help her... but I wouldn't be helping her, but my kids...

Help me, give me your opinions on this dilemma.

Man that is everyone’s worst nightmare. I am so sorry this happened to you. I would take the shot if I thought it would mean my kids would move closer. But it’s tricky because your EXWW is behaving wildly. Maybe she needs to hit rock bottom before she’d entertain coming back? I mean to your home town I think R is off the table for you?

No. You don’t help her per se, and you definitely don’t create or set conditions for where and how she lives. The goal of having someone as an ex is to untie and unravel both the legal and emotional connections established as a married couple. Frankly and bluntly: It sounds like you are trying to control your wife by using your kids, rather than think of THEIR benefit.

What did the divorce say about custody? You say you were happily married for 15 years, and that it’s 2 years since she left so I’m assuming both that you two were legally married and that you have AT LEAST started the divorce-process.
Even if you are in the process of divorce or separation you have input into where and how the children live. It’s very common that the court accepts conditions such as limitations on area of residence. I.e. your wife can’t move the kids out of state or some unreasonable distance away from the old family home.
If your characterization of OM and your wife’s conditions is correct you should be looking into more custody and more time with the kids. Even if custody was established in divorce you can always take it back to the judge based on changed conditions.

Can you go to you attorney and share all this and try to get more custody?

How was she allowed to move that far away? Can you ask your attorney about making her move closer making it easier on everyone to see the kids? I would think moving them around so frequently and away from their other parent would not be in their best interest.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I can't imaging going that long without seeing my kids.

About a decade ago now, one of my friends and colleagues from work married a divorced woman who had two younger kids at the time. We felt awful for him, because about two months after the wedding, he lost his job in a layoff and then by stroke of luck, he was able to find a new job pretty quickly working alongside another friend...the only catch, the new job for him was 7 states away in Alabama (we lived in Nebraska at the time). As a newlywed and new step father, he wanted nothing more than to be able to provide and be with his new family, but his wife's custody order required that the children couldn't live out of state from the father so he was never able to relocate his family to Alabama as they had initially planned. He quickly grew sick and tired of driving 12 hours back to see his wife and within a year he found another job and left. I'm happy for him today because he eventually was able to find a job closer to home and the kids are now grown, but him and his wife have a couple of little ones of their own now and he gets to spend time with them.

My point being, your XW should not be able to just up and move the children from place to place. Being 7 hours away from you is clearly in violation of the spirit of the custody agreement, if not in outright legal violation of said agreement. You need an attorney who can help you to fight for the custody and time that she owes you and your children.

I would not help her directly, she is in violation of the court order and it’s detrimental to the welfare of the children. This needs to be handled legally.

She needs to hit rock bottom, don’t provide a safety net and enforce the custody order to the letter.

Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer