SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You can find my story in my signature. So far I’ve exposed the affair to wife’s mum, dad, brother, sister, brother in law, boss and a couple of friends. All of my family knows due to me being committed to the nut house.

I’ve also exposed to OBS but she knew already and has left her WH. I also sent the OM and my ex a bunch of abusive and threatening messages (just stupid stuff but could easily be twisted to make me look bad).

The thing that irks me a bit is that it’s a small town and the narrative is I had a breakdown and isn’t my ex wife amazing for standing by me when I got home. Now I’ve had to leave the country for my mental health because I am pretty sure the affair is back on and I can’t take the toxicity anymore. I’m heartbroken for my kids.

Question is: should I expose the affair far and wide? I was thinking of writing a letter to the CEO of her company (coworker affair ofc) and exposing her and him. Then pdf the letter and send it to everyone in my network on LinkedIn connected to that town. I do not have any plans to move back there.

[This message edited by Jajaynumb at 7:21 PM, Sunday, August 6th]

Don’t think you will like what I am going to share…

I think you need to deal with reality with reality.
It definitely looks like your wife has completely checked out of the marriage. I can fully 100% understand that how she went about it is in extreme bad taste and probably the worst imaginable way to end a relationship. But she did it.
I don’t see any will or effort in anything you post indicating she wants to reconcile. Nothing. Nada. To the contrary I see indications that she’s content with this relationship being over…

So…
Move on…
Exposing, sending e-mails and all that… to what goal? What is the purpose?
Honestly and frankly – and this isn’t necessarily my view – all it does is confirm that you had emotional issues. Sven and Frida will be chatting over a bottle of schnapps about how Mrs jayjaynumb might have been wrong in starting to date Olaf before dumping you, but that your reactions clearly show how this was as inevitable as their next car being a Volvo.

This site usually recommends exposure as a tool to end affairs, as in with the goal of creating a situation where reconciliation might be possible. There is no indication whatsoever that your wife wants you back. It’s as tough as knackebrod, but I honestly and with the best of intentions for YOU and YOUR health see any profit in exposing, sending emails or anything of that nature.

As I said in your JFO post, public relations in the wake of an affair is a tricky business. If you come off as unhinged, public sentiment can lean towards the WS regardless of their knowledge of the affair and, others will just back away, remove themselves from the Jerry Springer shit show leaving you with few sympathizers.

I would handle all further exposure deftly, with discretion, grace and dignity. If someone approaches you, tell them in a very matter-of-fact way, for example:

"My wife had an unprovoked affair, in what seemed to be a thriving marriage, destroying our family, and I lost my shit when I found out."

Something like that. Keep it short and sweet. Don’t rant, don’t unnecessarily disparage. Pay attention to your audience. Keep it classy.

I would avoid public announcements. As tempting as it is to blow shit up on social media, it rarely goes well. You usually come off as unhinged, indiscreet, immature, lacking grace, cringy and un-cool.

Let primary parties spread the word to second and tertiary parties, for you. Use the grapevine, as best you can, to your advantage.

Then, remove yourself from all these assholes, whose opinions really, REALLY don’t matter, and move on and live your life well so that when people talk about you it will go something like this:

Person A: "I wonder how that JaJay guy is doing".

Person B: "I heard he’s doing well. He traded up for a better model and is doing quite well."

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:53 PM, Sunday, August 6th]

The boss at her company already knows so what do you hope to achieve by contacting the CEO?

Besides, since you left the country, your wife is currently caring and proving for your children on her own. So in the unlikely event that your letter to the CEO results in her getting fired, how does that benefit your children?

Thank you all. I’ve been hanging on to this vengeful idea or striking back and destroying her reputation in her home town. But realistically there is a huge potential for it to backfire.

I’ve done enough. She’ll be mortified her family and boss knows whatever she says. My absence will be noticed by all our friends and neighbours. I am sure she tell them the watered down version of what went down but that’s the way it is.

Bigger is spot on.

It’s horrible what you went through, but at what point does it matter anymore? The goal now is to just walk away. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, you have no control over that. What is important is taking care of you, and part of doing that is not caring about your STBXW. We in the BS crowd always pine for justice or karma, but it rarely happens. Cheaters cheat, and at least in short term seem to get their way. I ask, so what? It’s unfair but so what?

It’s always a revenge fantasy or something, but truthfully it rarely plays out the way we want. Her punishment is gets to live with herself, that’s more than enough.

Your marriage is over, and I’m sorry, but the goal now is to not give a crap about her or anyone from that past life. The opposite of love is apathy, not hate.

You and your kids are all that matter. Focus on that, your STBXW is nothing more than a formal email about Co parenting. Once you let go you will feel so much happier.

I had the same urge- more so for the other woman as my husband had his own natural consequences. I contacted her husband which was fair- but then I kept going and did a Yelp Review at her place of work. I was upset that she had zero remorse for violating my home where my infant and I live without thinking she did anything wrong. I couldn’t imagine the monster who wouldn’t feel bad for decimating a new moms world, so I wanted to make sure she was humiliated.

It felt good- but ultimately I did take it down. I think anger is normal- but at some point you have to ask yourself to what end? Do I want to invite this person back into my life? Do I want anything to do with her? Would I want my daughter to be proud of me during this time or would she be ashamed?

I wish this woman her highest and best, whatever that may be. That doesn’t mean I respect her. Or forgive her. But it’s time to move forward and focus on my healing- not in continuing the chaos her and my husband brought into my life.

We are not God and it’s not our responsibility to punish anyone for their terrible decisions outside of setting boundaries to keep us safe.

Jajay, You have been handed a terrible shit sandwich. And I understand you had to escape to save your sanity— I had the same.
But you have kids. And this means you have to put them first and foremost now that you have regained your footing a bit.

No more vengeance - just how to do the best thing for you and your kids.
You have to co-parent with her and so keeping thing reasonably civil so you can do that for your kids has to be the goal.

You can always speak your truth- as was suggested in a neutral manner. But vilifying your kids mom further is just harmful to your kids.

I know you are hurting. This stuff hurts like nothing else.
I hope you feel some relief soon. You have take some good steps, and I am sure you are going to be fine, with time.