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Newest Member: KRE74

Divorce/Separation :
Struggling. 4 years later, why don’t I love myself enough

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Lighthousegrl (original poster new member #70334) posted at 3:21 PM on Friday, August 4th, 2023

I’m a mess. I feel like a loser, not worthy. Thrown away. I am struggling with legally ending this although it’s already over.
I’m sorry - I’ve not been on here in quite some time. I’m not sure how to locate my old posts for the history of my story….cliff notes …… ~4 years ago my husband of 25 years told me he was not happy/had one foot out the door…a week later, I find out he’s met someone/is having an affair. The trauma of the discard, the pain, the lies, the gaslighting —has lasted way too long. To this day he continues with AP. We are not divorced, no longer live together , my daughter is primarily with me- stays with her dad every other weekend.
I’ve begged him to file- Why cant I move forward with this? I’m a shell of who I used to be. I don’t know who I am. He says we are both to blame for the breakdown of the marriage, which is such a mindf#@k. He has no concern over how this has affected me nor our daughter. he has moved on , yet not taken care to finalize. I sound pathetic> i wish i had listened to the early advice to file and get this over with. I’m standing in my own way of moving on- why?
I live in Fl which is a no fault state—as he so callously reminds me . I take home more than him- he says he will not go after my paycheck. My lawyer says alimony is a long shot and once legally decided upon-can not be changed. Lawyer also is hesitant with what I’m looking at for anticipated child support…lawyer sent STBXH a letter /introduction/ representation and request for financial disclosure…last year….STBXH never responded to letter! ( sadly- It took so much just to pull that trigger as I soaked in a haze of self inflicted hopium).
I feel so insignificant.
There is no recourse on the trauma and fallout.
Thanks for letting me vent.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2019
id 8803206
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BrokenheartedUK ( member #43520) posted at 6:05 PM on Friday, August 4th, 2023

Hi Lighthousegrl! What a slog. Four years is a long time in limbo.

Have you been seeing a therapist to try and work through some of your feelings? You have been abandoned, that in and of itself is a traumatic event. Please start talking this through with a professional to help you move forward.

You don't need him to file, you can do it. Talking with an IC can help you do this and figure out why you haven't. You need to liberate yourself from this limbo and start taking control of your life again.

Your lawyer shouldn't be waiting around for financial disclosures to be forthcoming. There should be mechanisms by the court to force your STBXH to do so. If you aren't getting any traction with this lawyer, find another one. You can have consultations with a variety of lawyers in your area and see who you feel is best suited to your needs. You also have the added bonus of blocking your Ex from using those lawyers due to conflict of interest laws. So talking to some of the sharks in your area is time well spent to block your Ex from using them.

Big hug. I know this sucks but it's going to be better for you and your kid once you are out from under this.

Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide

posts: 3418   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2014
id 8803295
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:42 PM on Friday, August 4th, 2023

Agree with BrokenheartedUK and find a new lawyer and file yourself. You do not need to wait for him and only reminds you that you are in limbo.

I would definitely see an IC to help you process and get through this grief. It still takes 2-5 years whether you R or D to get over an A sometimes longer. Maybe filing for D will make you feel empowered to end this and move on.

Do you have friends you can lean on? Maybe plan a trip with your friends or even with you and your daughter. Something to enjoy yourself and rediscover life and what it has to offer.

He says we are both to blame for the breakdown of the marriage

Well "he says" this but it may not be true. The breakdown of the M could have occurred because of the A. Many times a WS will rewrite history to absolve themselves of guilt. Did he ever consult you about the state of the M before embarking on an A.

A good book I may suggest is called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. It helped me with the feelings of abandonment.

You may be on a longer timeline to healing but it won't always be this way. But definitely take measures to regain your life back. You deserve to be happy regardless if you are married or not!

fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8834   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8803298
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Helena67 ( member #80506) posted at 10:48 PM on Friday, August 4th, 2023

You are worth it! This is your precious life. Go and take your power back. Find a lawyer that will take the necessary steps. You can do this!!!!

[This message edited by Helena67 at 10:49 PM, Friday, August 4th]

BS (me) 56 years. Divorced!!!

posts: 129   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8803332
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kiwilee ( member #10426) posted at 3:44 AM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023

You are not alone! I’m going through divorce at age 52. I waited way too long (over a year) to file. Finally did it in June.

Do not wait on him, take control of your precious life and FILE. He has moved on and you are stuck. Get in therapy and please just file. Why waste one more day? You will feel so much better once you take action. Promise.

posts: 663   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8803357
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JammyWheel ( member #80828) posted at 10:44 AM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023

He sounds like a narcissist
He is happy keeping you in limbo because that maximises the chances of getting extra narcissistic supply from you at some point, or indeed keeping you in limbo in itself is giving him narcissistic supply
Find an individual counsellor who understands narcissistic abuse and trauma

posts: 68   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2022
id 8803373
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JammyWheel ( member #80828) posted at 10:44 AM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023

Watch videos by Dr Ramani on YouTube

posts: 68   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2022
id 8803374
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 Lighthousegrl (original poster new member #70334) posted at 3:04 PM on Sunday, August 6th, 2023

Thank you for the responses filled with support and solid suggestions.
I’m not sure where i lost my power and love of self, but i do know Im tired of limbo and yearning for change.
I cannot exist like this anymore.
I set a meeting with lawyer Monday……

Florida seems to be a 50/50 no fault state. Not sure if switching up lawyers will change what I’m looking at…..I am paycheck to paycheck- hesitant to find a "shark" because I’m walking a thin financial line as it is. But Perhaps a few consultations will solidify the correct choice…so I should take the time to do that.

counseling is for sure needed too and i will be looking for both my daughter and myself to restart sessions. I do have some close friends who have been my support. By year 2 of this I noticed me holding back- as I was aware of the prolonged pain/struggle - was on me/for not filing …so I don’t share much anymore- however I know that my circle of support would listen.
The book mentioned /Susan Anderson " the Journey of Abandonment to Healing’ I have. Sadly during my attempts to read its entirety/early on in this discard —-i was not convinced he actually did what he did—-abandoned me—— as he said the marriage was already over.
So I struggled -and still do- on feeling that I deserved this, that i caused his discard……..yet no closure. Not sure if that makes sense….. but i do have that book and it’s time to reopen it. It’s been recommended here and on other support sites.

This weekend daughter feels -again- dismissed by her dad/"doesn't seem to have much time" /answering her text/calls…when he did- she says she felt rushed off the phone and that he sounded annoyed . she eventually broke down in tears last night, sobbing. ((This weekend started off with back to school stuff/getting new schedule/finding out who’s in her classes/teachers/texting friends n such. She wanted to share that with her dad/was excited and then just deflated and hurt….?abandoned?)). (Daughter is biracial/adopted at birth …She has struggled with feeling like she belongs, struggles with identity on a family level, and normal growing pains of being now 12…..she’s dealing with so much, my heart breaks for her)

There is something truly wrong with him. Empty.
I’m stunned and disappointed on how long it has taken me , and what I’ve allowed him to do —-to accept that he is dysfunctional and disordered.
Our marriage had its bumps,crashes and bliss……I was not perfect- not even close to being so, but do not deserve this trauma.
My daughter does not deserve this trauma. I never thought id come to hate him, but im there.


If my story resonates with anyone…don’t be me.


~thank you again so very much for responding , the support is needed!~

posts: 35   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2019
id 8803468
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kiwilee ( member #10426) posted at 11:54 AM on Thursday, August 10th, 2023

How did the meeting with lawyer go?

You have such awareness of your situation, yet remain stuck. You have gotten to an emotional level of understanding the marriage has died. It’s time to take action- it’s the only way out!! You are suffering more needlessly by remaining in a dead marriage.

I am being direct because it’s hard to see you are in the carnage. You have the courage inside of you to do what must be done. One step at a time until you and your daughter are on a better path. The definition of insanity is doing what’s been done before and expecting different results.

Freedom and peace are priceless!!

Just keep swimming. Forward momentum.

posts: 663   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2006
id 8803879
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:05 AM on Friday, August 11th, 2023

The spiteful side of me wants you to contact his AP and ask why he never responded to the request for financial disclosure and has refused to file…. Then watch her blow her top. It’s really common for WS, when being pushed by an AP to get engaged, married, or go public with the relationship, to say the divorce hasn’t gone through because the BS is uncooperative.

But the smart side of me says you just need to move forward, with our without a lawyer, and simply file. You can’t begin to heal while you still have knife lodged in your back.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 2011   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8803966
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ANewPerson ( member #83728) posted at 12:50 PM on Sunday, August 13th, 2023

As a BS, I think we all know the feeling of losing our identity? My identity was woven into that of my wife and my marriage. I made no decision without considering her interests and her feelings. I looked around the corner to make sure her path was safe. Now, those 15 years training myself to consider her interests and, often, place her interests above my own is damaging to me. I read your post and reflected on my own inability to act in my own self-interest. I filed, that was a step. Now my accountant and I are putting my own financial disclosures together, next step. I'm taking one step at a time. What's the next step your attorney advises?

BH 54 Divorcing

posts: 55   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Heartland USA.
id 8804281
Topic is Sleeping.
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