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How long did it take your WS to get a breakthrough with IC during the R process?

Mine has been with her IC for about 3 weeks now (4 if you count the counseltation session), and they are still on the background work. I am starting to feel uneasy because her therapist has given her 0 exercises to do on self-soothing her past sexual trauma (which my therapist said any therapist who specializes in trauma should focus on). Also not sure how helpful she is being on the family trauma or helping to work on the issues that caused the A in the first place.

I am a little worried that she has the wrong type of therapist, but its still early in the process. How long did it take your WS to start showing signs of progress from their IC?

Unfortunately, mine didn't have a breakthrough, and now we're D. He went, but never did the work.

Some ICs use exercises; some do not; some use exercises some of the time. Some clients want exercises; some do not; some don't care. I would not use an IC who requires exercises; they just haven't worked for me.

My reco is to require your WS to sign a release that allows their IC to talk to you about their progress. That will allow you to ask the IC about how they use exercises.

Therapy works in a wide variety of ways ... sometimes the breakthrough occurs overnight; sometimes it's overnight after years of work; sometimes it sneaks up on a person; sometimes it never happens.

One thing I remember from 1980 is an article in a magazine called Omni about the results of IC, which I read while waiting for an appointment with my optometrist. One guy said about his boss something like, 'He's the same asshole he always was, but he feels better about himself.' But feeling better about himself might have made him a lot easier to work for....

Consider this: some of us think a person has to have some self-love before they can love someone else. A corollary is that your W's 'punishment' for cheating has to be some sort of building true self-esteem. That will enable her, IMO, to change from cheater to good partner. How does she get to true self-esteem? There are many potential paths. All she has to do is find one path that's right for her. Her IC is a just guide. The test of the IC's methods is what your W changes about herself. So far, it's impossible to predict what method will work for which person.

Unfortunately, mine didn't have a breakthrough, and now we're D. He went, but never did the work.

Im sorry. Sadly, I've read a lot of stories about how WS aren't willing to improve after D-Day. Makes me feel more fortunate about my situation. Hope you are finding your happiness though!

Consider this: some of us think a person has to have some self-love before they can love someone else. A corollary is that your W's 'punishment' for cheating has to be some sort of building true self-esteem. That will enable her, IMO, to change from cheater to good partner. How does she get to true self-esteem? There are many potential paths. All she has to do is find one path that's right for her. Her IC is a just guide. The test of the IC's methods is what your W changes about herself. So far, it's impossible to predict what method will work for which person.

True, and she has been trying a few different things (therapy, books, motivational videos). But I know she is a very structured person, so I feel exercises would help. But who knows.

I think what matters most is if your WS is getting something out of it.

We all have different needs and approaches that may or may not work for someone else. It's really up to her to decide if this is helping her or not.

Personally, I think it's too soon to tell. It can take a bit of time for the therapist to get the background they need to determine the therapeutic approach.

I know very well the urge to manage the WS's process but you really can't. She has sought help and is using it.

I think it's fair to ask her what her goals are and how she will measure progress so that she herself can decide if this is a good fit. Just to get her thinking about this as an active recovery step versus some meandering thing she can do for years on end without much to show for it.

But you can't control this. If it is working for her, then she needs to stick with it for her own healing.

My H has been going to IC for a couple of months and they're just now getting into his childhood trauma, which is his reason for going. Based on that, my guess is that it's not unusual for it to take a good, long while to get into the nitty gritty.

Assuming he’s doing one session a week, 3 weeks in is still VERY EARLY into the process. It takes quite a bit of time to learn the person's history and build trust/rapport (which is important for the IC to have before they start challenging the way your spouse is looking at things). That said, I remember feeling exactly like you are right now. I felt like I wanted him to be having big major realizations ASAP (preferably yesterday) and I wanted answers to big questions. WHY did you do this to me. HOW could you lie so easily. What was it about her? Why wasn’t I enough (and on and on). I was so impatient and couldn’t believe it when they would spend the whole session talking about his FOO history – I was like, "WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR DAD, YOU DIDN’T CHEAT ON YOUR DAD!" My husband was pretty good about sharing with me what he spent his IC sessions talking about. He isn’t naturally super introspective and found the process, and some of the questions the IC would ask, pretty interesting. He made a point of taking 15 minutes or so after each session in order journal about it briefly – partly for his sake, but mostly for mine I think, so we could talk about it afterwards. I’m always so impressed with the people who patiently give their WS space and privacy related to the IC sessions – I think it’s admirable and in theory, I totally think that the WS should be entitled to it, but in practice, I was DYING for insight and progress and it is not my nature to leave stones unturned.

After spending quite a bit of time on history, I feel like my husband got a little out of each session as they went but had his first real breakthrough around 2 months (or so) in. From my perspective (he shared with me obviously), it didn’t feel earthshattering or anything to me, but I think it shifted his mindset and how he was looking at things, so it felt important to him. It took many months longer to get into the bigger WHYS that I was desperate for. I’m not sure whether that sort of timeline is typical or not. I’ve certainly heard of people spending much more time, to get far less.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 11:12 PM, Thursday, June 29th]

On 'break through': I don't care about insights in therapy; I care about change that I can see. I'm pretty hardline on that.

I'm fine with calling a new insight a 'breakthrough', but 'insight' is different from 'change' ... so I'm asking future responders to this thread to let us know how you understand the term 'breakthrough'.

I know that's not a very timely request....

Are you in IC?

Any therapist worth their salt would not rush this vital early work of building rapport and working to stabilise and resource the client to be strong enough to begin the trauma work, otherwise it would be re-traumatising.

[This message edited by Edie at 5:38 PM, Friday, July 7th]

Tav - 3 or 4 sessions, assuming they're an hour each, isn't a whole lot of time.. You may find a little calm in looking for 'progress' as opposed to a 'breakthrough', especially if there's a history of sexual trauma. I can't say my WS is having any breakthroughs in IC, but I can tell that she's approaching IC differently this time because I'm seeing a progression. She's making connections, processing and accepting responsibility, and showing empathy and remorse. Those things have to be built on one another. She started IC on her own, BEFORE our latest D-day and came to the conclusion that she needed to come clean, no matter the consequences. Shortly after D-day, she changed ICs and we sought a new MC - making sure that her IC specialized in sexual trauma and that our MC specialized in infidelity. I really don't want to see any 'breakthroughs' this time around. In hindsight, I've seen our past 'breakthroughs' in counseling (either together or individually) as points where we abruptly stopped progressing. Linking destructive behavior to a past trauma is HARD - and after a breakthrough like that, it's really easy to say "Finally, I know why I did that.." and then just convince yourself that the knowledge alone will keep you from doing it again. Eventually, you end up back there, dismayed that you're still doing the negative behavior. The next "breakthrough' might be realizing that the negative behavior is an ingrained habit that, as destructive as it is, is filling a need. The next 'breakthrough' might be beginning work on the shame of having the need that has to be filled in the first place. This is a painful and frustrating process for ANYONE - and real progress is slow and meaningful.. Don't hold your breath for it.