SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all. Haven’t been on here in awhile. Need some advice/thoughts.

My ex is a pure narcissist. And the last 5 years havent been easy. Both my teenage kids are in therapy cause of him and what he has done to all of us. He tries to gaslight my kids and get control/sympathy by saying thing like he will get a gun to kill himself, call the police if they don’t want spend time with him and that no one loves him. He is always pulling something.

Recently my oldest (18) has really been distancing himself from him. He just doesnt like being around him. And comes up with anything to avoid seeing or talking to him.

Instead of my ex thinking he and his behavior could be the cause…he is blaming me. As if I am influencing my son’s opinion about him…which is the furthest from the truth. He just can’t stand that he is losing any control he thought he had and desperately needs to feed his ego.

Now he wants to have a talk with me. I am guessing to express his anger over what he thinks is happening. What he is dreaming up in his head. Why can’t he just leave me alone!!! His relationship with his kids is his creation…not mine.

How do I set this arrogant bastard straight without giving him too much of my time and emotions?

Of course it's your fault because he's perfect as he is.

Is you XWH paying CS for your 18 year old? If not, too can say that the relationship with DS18 is between them and you won't get involved. If he is, then maybe ask DS18 to help thou and meet with his dad once a quarter to get him off your back.

If you need to have contact, do grey rock. You're a rock so you show no emotion at all. I have sat and listened, showing no emotion on my face. Let him vent and just listen. With my narc, sometimes I wasn't going to say anything but would open my mouth and he's be off in a tangent.

You're not going to be able to set XWH straight. He doesn't case and it's never him. I was watching a Dr. Phil podcast on narcs. He said he tried to treat but it was above his paygrade.

Dr. Ramani is a narc abuse specialist and had free YouTube videos. You and your DS may find them helpful.

Take care.

I would suggest not meeting with him. He’s not your H and you owe him nothing.

If you feel you must meet, do it with a counselor present. Someone who is a neutral third party and can monitor the situation for you.

I think you know an 18 year old is an adult who can make their own decisions. Let your XH Blame you. You need to be in a place of not caring what he bemieves.

Keep your attorney on speed dial and any time you need to file against the XH, your XH should have to pay for it.

How do I set this arrogant bastard straight without giving him too much of my time and emotions?

You can't. I see no reason to meet with him. Nothing you say is going to make him see the light.

That is his relationship with his children to build or destroy.

I understand...really do. I have two children that have suffered a lot of damage from their father. Through tons of therapy, one has cut ties and the toxicity. But the other one is still being manipulated (as an adult). It is all very sad.

No is a complete sentence.

Or tell him to speak to your attorney.

The 18 year old is a legal adult. He doesn't have to have anything to do with him,if he doesn't want to.

And,considering his mental abuse of the kids, I'd cut my arm off before I told my kids to placate him.

^^^Exactly what Hellfire said.

You don't owe him a damn thing, and he's a grown man who needs to get his sh*t together and figure out why his relationship with his kids is strained.

Do not meet with him. Has he ever gotten violent? I wouldn't trust him. At all.

I agree with everyone. Do not feed his drama by agreeing to meet him. What is the point? You're never going to convince him that he's the problem (because they never think it's them ) and it's just going to be unproductive and enraging at best.

The threat of firearms is concerning. If he ever makes that threat again, I'd coach your kids to tell you and you should call the cops. That should at least put an end to that threat and if he's in danger to himself, they can intervene.

My Ex is also a narcissist and it's so painful for the kids to deal with him. I really feel so sorry for our children having to deal with this bullshit. Big hug.

How do I set this arrogant bastard straight

Have you EVER set him straight about anything? No. And it won't work now. Why would you fall into his trap?

Now he wants to have a talk with me. I am guessing to express his anger

You must break the cycle of allowing this. It seems to me that it really bothers you that he blames you and you want to correct him, but that is a you problem. The need to not be blamed for things that aren't your fault is a you problem. Take the fall. Take the blame. Sit with it or go talk to IC about how being blamed makes you feel bad. But do not try to correct the feeling by talking to him about it. By not defending yourself against his crazy and by learning to manage and counter your own bad feelings instead, you break the cycle of trying to change a narcissist.

I get that the intervention is for your kids, but it won't work. You can't save them from your ex's emotional manipulations like you couldn't save yourself. In my view (from being raised by a narcissist mother and then entering into long-term abusive relationships with two npd) you teach the kids to be strong by teaching them to ignore the narcissist's blame and to listen to their own needs and voice instead. This is how I learned to be strong against my mother's hurtful ways because that woman is never, ever going to change. She's always the victim, and I'm always "hurting her." Her comments or silent treatments are background noise to me now. I ignore them and do my thing until she's ready (bored, lonely enough) to re-engage. Then we forget it happened until I "wrong her" again. Because her selfish demands NEVER END. New ones always pop up, and then I'm the bad guy again. She push, push, pushes on my boundaries. She turns other family members against me, but I hold strong (lots of IC to learn this). Nobody moves my guilt needle now, and nobody 'makes me feel bad.' THAT'S what you teach your kids to survive.

In my view, talk to your son about what is best for him. Agree and support him in this decision. Give him confidence that he's a good person still even though his dad is trying to convince him otherwise. Ignore all of ex's correspondence to you on the subject or give the most boring, non-committal answers. "Sorry to hear that. You'll figure something out." When he makes threats, tell him you will call 911 to get him the help he needs. Do it if you have to. Teach your kids to interact with their dad in the same bland way whenever he gets selfish or pushy or accusatory. I do have nice chats with my mom on her more civil days, but when she pushes stupid stuff, my answers turn boring as heck. Or I go dark without guilt or regret. I see the patterns and know how to protect myself now. Your kids' best weapon is to learn to do the same and listen to their own inner voice, not the narcissist's voice.

Do not meet with the ex. Manage your own feelings in whatever way--IC, journal, YouTube videos, books, self-care--but do not allow even more manipulation. Gray rock. Live your lives until he can be more civil, and then re-engage.

Stay strong against his emotional pushing.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:32 PM, Friday, June 30th]

Remember that a narcissist usually goes after the very best people because they know they can use their goodness against them.

Your ex is using:

*Your desire to BE a good person

*Your desire to raise happy, healthy kids

*Your hatred of feeling guilty or ashamed

*Your worry that others will be harmed

Your ex is intentionally making you feel guilty and ashamed that you are not a good person because your son is struggling since his dad is going to do harm to himself! He's using it all against you, pushing every button!

His trick is to attack your good nature, so don't fall for it. Don't meet him. You already know you are a very good person and excellent mother. The narc's ridiculous words do not change that fact. Listen to your gut, your inner voice (this is how narcissists are so successful with people with low self-esteem; they don't have a strong inner voice). Ignore your ex's attempts to make you feel bad about yourself. You believe in you. You know who you are. Ignore the narcissist's petty, juvenile tantrum. And you don't want him hurt of course, so offer to call 911. End of story.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:54 PM, Friday, June 30th]

Don't try to set him straight. What he wants most right now is your attention. He wants to check that you can still be a supply for his ego. Any interaction with you, positive or negative, is rewarding and reinforcing that urge of his. It is incredibly hard to not call him out, and it is not fair to you to never be allowed resolve from what he did and is doing. But for your health, please don't meet with him nor talk to him, not even to yell at him. Don't give him attention.

Let that bastard starve.

Thanks so much for all the advice and kind encouraging/motivating words!!!

Update…so I didnt have a conversation with my ex afterall. My son did instead. He told him he can’t forgive him right now and since he is 18 he has chosen not to hang out with him or speak to him much for awhile. He said his father said he could accept that and will step back and stop with the constant daily texts and the guilt trips for not replying or wanting to hang out. I want to believe that. Eye roll! We shall see.

My ex also told him that what he did (the infidelity) really wasnt that bad! (This man, he never stops!) And then had the nerve to tell his clearly fragile son that every night he does everything he can to not kill himself! (Yup, he is a terrible person and has learned nothing!!!)

My poor daughter still has to deal with him legally which breaks my heart. But thankfully her therapist has helped her to be equipped to continue to deal with this narc!!!

Wow!!!! The lying cheating parent tells the son "how hard he tries not to kill himself".

Purely manipulative behavior that proves the point how much a selfish person NEVER takes others into account.

I hope your son understands that his dad was inappropriate and should never have said this to his own child.

What a jerk. Putting that kind of load on your DS’s shoulders. Manipulative, aggressive, and just plain wrong.
Your DS did well setting his own boundary - well done. Now make sure your shields are up, too.