SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have a thread on "Just Found Out," and am four weeks out from DDay. He cheated, our lives have been blown up, and neither of us knows if we want to try to R or to D.

A lot of people in the forums talk about wayward spouses doing the work to make them become safe partners. I’m curious what that has looked like to you all who have been through such trauma. What can a cheating spouse say or do or show that he or she wants to make their betrayed spouse’s world safe again?

My WH is stuck wallowing in self pity for the situation he has put himself in and keeps saying he is numb, emotionally blocked, having difficult communicating. He claims he wants to try to make it work but is afraid it won’t work. He is in IC (I am too), reading books, and taking time for himself. We’re in separate rooms and mostly communicating logistics only (young kids). I’m frustrated by the lack of redemption I am seeing. To me, he isn’t acting or sounding like somebody desperate to keep his family together. I told him that that is OK too. It is best that he is honest with himself and me about future pack. He individually wishes to pursue. But if he keeps giving me the soundbite that he wants to try, he needs to be back in that lot in more meaningful ways.

Just interested in what real work to become safe may have looked like from your spouses who cheated. Thank you in advance for sharing any insights.

I've been following your story. I can't imagine the stress that your family is under right now. It sounds like you're all in limbo until you know what's going to happen with his career.

He is in IC (I am too), reading books, and taking time for himself.

What does "taking time for himself" mean?

I’m so sorry you’re here. I don’t know your story. (Can’t linger in JFO as it triggers the life outta me).

Early on, our MC number 1 task for FWH was to be trustworthy. I didn’t believe him them, but over time that I could build on that trustworthiness.

Early on FWH was also feeling hopeless. And, as much as it sucks for me to write this….mourning the loss of the relationship he had with OW. It is a very confusing time.

The best advice I received here was to take care of myself. Treat yourself as you would a trusted friend going through a major life trauma….because you are. I didn’t decide to truly stay until maybe year 2. FWH did a lot of things right and a few missteps…..not new A behavior but mostly in his attempts to try to "fix" me and my response to the A.

You don’t have to decide today. Or a year from now…or 4. Take care of you. He will show you whether he is worthy of the gift of a second chance.

Former wayward here.

It’s a journey I can tell you that. In a nutshell, the ws must:

Discover underlying reasons for the affair without blaming the spouse for any of it. We didn’t deal with life appropriately so why did that happen? And then work hard to change all those patterns and deal with things with better coping and a diligence on self awareness moving forward.

This sounds simple but this took me years. I was safe in that I was there working on the relationship with the best intentions and not cheating but in the bigger picture I needed to be able to deal with life in a way moving forward that won’t require needing a third party to "cheer me up" gross, I know.

Taking accountability for the ways they damaged their spouse and their relationship. This usually happens after the ws unwinds some of their delusional thinking and blame shifting. I think we were almost six months out before I was showing signs of that. I am not saying put up with anything or wait for him, but the ws is often disoriented due to their own self brain washing, and they have to see they alone chose to do this for their reasons alone.

Work to rebuild trust and the relationship with consistency, patience and love. They have shown you who they are, they need to show you who they are becoming and that they have clarity over what they want and why and then work their ass off to make amends.

I could write paragraphs of nuances and details but this is probably a good enough overview for where you are sitting. I am sorry you have had this done to you, and glad to hear you aren’t blaming yourself for it. I think it’s awesome that you have elected to go to therapy and get clarity for yourself over your experience. No matter what happens with the marriage anything you can do for yourself you will reap the rewards and you can take them with you no matter which path you choose.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:37 PM, Wednesday, June 14th]

Thanks all. This is helpful.

Scared: he is taking time for himself by spending time alone, more than he has maybe ever had. We used to be very social with lots of events and activities and now that those are off the schedule and we’re not hanging out together, he has time. Each evening after the kids are in bed he does his own thing and I do mine. He’s factoring in time during the day to exercise, to read. He’s doing therapy twice a week. He has time to himself to work through what he wants and what he wants to work through.

What I'm asking about in a sideways manner is if his time alone is coming at your expense, or the family's expense. Like, is he spending lots of time alone while you care for the children and keep the household running? I imagine he has lots of free time since he's not working right now.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:26 PM, Wednesday, June 14th]

He has a temporary office space and I asked him to keep a regular schedule as much as possible. So we each have space and the kids stay on their usual schedule. So he is at the office 7:30am to 6:00pm. He does appointments, research, who knows what. Sometimes he comes home early to play with the kids.

He has been giving them dinner bc I’m not really eating and plays with them. We take turns doing bath and bed routine. We usually recap logistics, sometimes talk more after they are asleep. Then each do our own thing. He usually sits on the deck or is reading or whatever in the guest room. I usually go for a walk and talk to a friend, then read in my room.

Weekends are harder because it is so much open time. We either divide and conquer with kids or I take them to an activity then he takes them to something.

So the effort is the same for family as it used to be. And he has plenty of time during the day for whatever he needs or wants to be doing.

Thank you for clarifying. It sounds like you're both good with the status quo. I had a vision of you in a kerchief, slaving away in the kitchen with children hanging all over you while he's lounging in a hammock, reading and sipping on iced tea. I was about to be super mad on your behalf.

I think at this point, the most important way that he can be a safe partner is to do whatever he needs to do to stop the bleeding. Meaning no more WS behavior. No secrets. No lies. Clear communication. Maybe he could use some of his free time to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. Or maybe he just needs to distract himself, which I think is understandable. This isn't your average affair screw-up. His whole ship might go down in flames. Until he's out of limbo, it might be best to maintain this status quo.

Do you have any idea when he'll find out what's going to happen? I imagine it's a whole lot of hurry up and wait.

It could be a year or longer. I don’t intend to be in limbo for the duration and I am not planning to wait to find out the outcome of the allegation before making a decision. I just don’t know when the decision will be made to try or to divorce. Or who will make the decision.

❤️

[This message edited by Devon99uk at 9:45 PM, Thursday, June 15th]

Oh wow. I didn't realize that it would be that long. I thought you'd know something fairly quickly and that you'd have some information in that regard that would help you to make a decision whether to R or D.

In general, I think becoming a safe partner means learning to be transparent and authentic. The WS must work to understand why they strayed and act in ways that build trust with their BS.

I think it would be a good idea to schedule state of the union discussions every few days. I think you should tell him what you've told us - that if he wants to R, he's got to push past his fear of it not working and start acting like he really wants it. And like you said, if he doesn't know right now, and you don't know right now, and simply surviving from day to day is tolerable - it's okay to do that until one of you climbs down off the fence.

First and foremost: the WS is committed 100%. Anything less and you don't bother with the rest of this list. You walk away! Because it's very, very hard work, and R is not in any way, shape, or form about "talking the WS into R." If they are not initially strongly committed to doing what's needed, none of this will stick in any authentic way. It doesn't matter that the WS does not know what is needed! A good candidate for R wants to try, try, try! The WS ideally has all the energy and desire, and the BS agrees to see how it goes.

If that is in place, then the rest of the list continues. If not, a BS must 180, detach, and move on. There is no other option.

When commitment is in place, then the real work starts:

1. IC

2. Sharing what is learned as the IC process goes along.

3. Willing to answer questions or have discussions about the A or about IC...

4. without being defensive or getting angry.

5. Reads articles and books that are suggested.

6. Agrees to safeguards that the BS needs--passwords, staying home, changing jobs, cutting back on work travel, getting rid of social media, telling family and friends. Each situation is different.

7. Writes a timeline if requested.

8. Does not pressure the BS for anything or prioritize his/her own needs (guarantees about the future, sex, intimacy, weekends away, socializing, whatever).

9. Tries to check in with the BS, asks what is needed, starts important conversations.

10. Never, ever blames the BS for past choices.

11. Figures out their Whys. Shares them.

12. Allows for a lot of time without anger or pressure to "get over this already."

13. Answers questions, answers questions, answers questions.

14. Even hard questions.

15. Is thoughtful, loving, and responsive in the ways the BS values.

16. Never, ever lies or says, "I didn't want you to get even more upset" or any excuses like that. All actions and communication must be honest.

"Doing the hard work" to become a safe partner requires walking straight into the belly of the beast when every fiber of your being is screaming, "Run!" Because you want the M, because you want to heal the mess you've made. It is completely uncomfortable for a WS who has already shown himself/herself to be an avoider. And to not get defensive? Even on Saturday night when you just want to watch the big game? Or on Friday night when you "just thought we could have a nice dinner"? Very hard. The most selfish of people have to instantly commit to the most selfless behaviors! Many WS cannot become this selfless. Lots of WS will try, but far less will succeed.

Wanting to R is the easy part. Doing it right is the hard part.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:43 AM, Thursday, June 15th]

I just don’t know when the decision will be made to try or to divorce. Or who will make the decision.

I am familiar with your story in JFO. And I understand how scared and hurt you are. But sweetie, no decision IS a decision. You already know this. If he cannot fully commit, and soon, you have got to find your Bitch Boots or your dignity will never recover. Because every single day that he is not fighting for you, he is cutting you down further.

You simply must save yourself.

Excellent post,@OWN. This should be in the Healing Library.

So many BS say their WS is doing the work,but,when asked, they basically say the ws is being more loving, and helps around the house, and they've given transparency. And that's it.

Every thing mentioned in OWN's post sums it up,perfectly.

Fold, are you protecting yourself by saying that you're indecisive when you're really just waiting to see what he does? Or maybe it's the other way around, where he knows you're on the fence so he's perched up there too to save face?

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 2:14 AM, Thursday, June 15th]

I think it is hard to know what to do when the cheater is on the fence about the marriage.

You are in a limbo state and to me, having lived through that, is pure hell.

So sorry for you.

Scared: Thank you for your messages.

Transparency and communication are key. The transparency appears to be there (I request looking at laptop and phone and he obliges). He tells me where he is going and when and can back it up. There is no contact with the OW. He will sit and talk if I request it. He is not going out or socializing really. He is reading the book as far as I know. He is in therapy twice a week. He is doing things to help with the kids and family. The bare minimum of basics have been started.

It's the lack of anything I am getting from him -- no comfort (even if rebuffed), what feels to me like wooden statements, frustrated replies at times when I ask him questions that confront what he has done -- that feels like it is lacking progress. Maybe it is too early and like I said he is in shock, shutting down, not communicating. I don't know how much time I permit for him to languish in that, if it is real.

I am desperate to have an answer, a path, anything solid at all to cling to in this cess pool. I know it is unwise to make a decision when highly emotional, angry, and raw. For either of us. But I feel so much internal pressure to have something decided.

Owning It: this is one of the most compassionate replies I have read on these boards. Thank you for taking the time. All you have stated makes sense and is helpful. I can see how walking through these steps are a path for any WS to follow for an attempt at being present, being open, being committed to R.

Thanks for your contribution. I know this will serve others on these boards outside of me.

Owning It (again, should have compiled my replies when rereading):

Thank you for your kind words. They are helpful.

This is what I am mired in. I told him the other day that his words matter more than ever. Both what he says and what he doesn't say. He does not come across to me as somebody desperate to save his marriage and family. I am getting so little and it is either because he is really stunned and paralyzed or he doesn't want to address the truth of what he has done and/or that he doesn't want to make efforts to try to save it. But with each day and week that passes, if I keep getting nothing I am going to lose more and more hope that he is (a) being honest with himself and me that he wants to try; (2) that he has the ability and depth to do "the work"; (3) that I will ever be open to trying to make it work.

Scared:

Am I protecting myself and having him make the decision, or is he? Maybe. Probably. But for me it is not protection.

I know that there is a clear path: together, with uncertainty and pain, struggle and maybe hope, or alone, with uncertainty, pain struggle, and maybe hope.

My gut is that this will not work. We may both say we want to try, but neither of us may really do the work required, and it will of course fail in the end. Or we may say that there is too much to try to recover from and its best to walk away.

In some regards, if it is inevitable that we divorce, I think I want him to say it. Because then he will have to realize and address head on that he doesn't have the ability to change, that he doesn't have the motivation to really try, that he was lying to himself and me saying he wanted to stay together, that he is willing to take the easy way out, that he doesn't want to address what he has done to me or make reparations, that he is choosing a future that doesn't include our family, that he is deciding to see the kids 10% of the time. All he has done is made his own choices and put himself first, and if he does so again with the biggest decision of his life, then he can go and pick whatever decision it is and live with it.

If I say it, then maybe he address what he did and maybe he tries to make changes, but its a hall pass of sorts. He gets the soundbite of "my wife asked for a divorce, I wanted to try, but she didn't, poor me." And the decision is made for him. He gets out of fixing the mess he made by signing some papers and leaving me and the kids on fire.