SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, I received a 3 -page handwritten missive from the OW on Friday. Before I start my rant about that, here's a bit of back story for context:

My WH went NC with his AP on 18th December last year and Dday for me was 23rd December. I agonised for months about how and when to approach the OBS, because I wanted to give OW time to come clean herself and I didn't want to be motivated by the need for revenge. I made a gentle approach to the OBS in March (I sent a text and he agreed to a phone call), at which point it was clear that he didn't know anything other than they had 'developed feelings for each other'. I was careful not to use the words 'affair' or 'relationship' but I implied enough to give him reason to challenge his wife. I followed up a few weeks later to see what he knew and he told me she'd admitted to some minor details, hugely minimised. I asked him if he wanted to know the truth, he said yes, so we talked again on the phone at which point I gave him a brief overview of the timeline. There's been no further contact and I have never attempted to contact OW. We pass each other occasionally in our cars but I just ignore.

Fast forward to last week. My WH wrote a letter to OBS accepting blame for his part of the affair, apologising unreservedly and expressing what I think was sincere regret and remorse (My husband and the OBS were work-related acquaintances before the A started). I advised him not to offer any kind of explanation, as this was just unnecessary and would sound like an attempt at justification. I felt a bit unsure about him sending the letter, but he felt a need to offer something. Well, didn't that kick the hornet's nest...

The letter from the OW addressed to me was hand delivered a few days later. I say 'addressed to me' because it was really written for my husband's benefit. She started by saying she had been denied the opportunity to get her side across. The rest of the letter was all about her and about how the affair was 'inevitable' given her past history of sexual abuse. She accused me of invading their privacy by telling OBS and implied that if I was kinder to my husband, he wouldn't have turned to her (she kept making a big thing about 'kindness' - I sense a projection there!). The whole tenor of the letter was that she was a passive victim of a predatory man, and that thanks to what happened we can all go off and learn some life lessons and have better marriages as a result. She made it sound like she'd done us all a massive favour! There was no apology, no remorse and no recognition that she had any agency whatsoever. I was angry for a about 5 minutes and then I just thought - righto then

I can disregard the letter as the ramblings of a damaged, narcissistic woman who has not the capacity for true introspection or empathy for the people she has hurt. What has been tricky is that over the weekend, the OBS has been sending long, ranty text messages to WH accusing him of nothing less than coercing his poor, vulnerable wife into having sex with him. A lot of what he says in these messages is hard to disagree with, and my WH is the first to admit the irredeemably shitty behaviour he engaged with. What he can't accept is that she (the AP) had no part in this at all. He has been trying to close the dialogue down without antagonising things further, by accepting a lot of accusations levelled at him. What he can't do (and what the OBS seems to be asking for) is admit he coerced a woman unable to give full consent into a prolonged sexual affair with the promise of 'happily ever after'.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really. Part of me is glad that my WH is being held accountable by the OBS and that he is suffering the consequences of his ego-fest, but I actually feel a little bit sorry for him at the same time. Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of communication from the OBS or OW? My strategy is to just not engage with it, but it really has me on a knife edge of nerves just waiting for the next tirade.

Hi uncomfortablynumb,

This is just my opinion here, but I wouldn't engage with the OW (your post title sums it up pretty well : she's irrecoverable) or the OBS.

As a BS myself, I think I know what he's going through, him thinking your WS manipulated his dear wife is really not uncommon. But as soon as you understand the real mechanics of the A, you understand that maybe SHE was the one manipulating. That maybe SHE was the predator. And from her apparent self-pity and lack of remorse, I would go with that.

Let the OBS process his own trauma, and maybe he will wake up and see his wife for what she truly is...

[This message edited by iamjack at 10:46 AM, Tuesday, June 6th]

What he can't accept is that she (the AP) had no part in this at all. He has been trying to close the dialogue down without antagonising things further, by accepting a lot of accusations levelled at him. What he can't do (and what the OBS seems to be asking for) is admit he coerced a woman unable to give full consent into a prolonged sexual affair with the promise of 'happily ever after'.

I cannot emphasize enough how some of the hardest won advice here through the years is that No Contact = No Contact. Your WH sending a letter to the OBS, while not direct contact, is still contacting the OW and their family. As you've seen, I'm not sure what, if any good, even came out of the whole thing.

The OBS is clearly hurting and he is scrambling to find any stable ground in his life. His wife has always been "stable" for him and your WH is a convenient target of his rage, not something those of here are unfamiliar with. Clearly, his real beef is with his wife, but she is trying to re-write their affair so that she was just a helpless damsel of a victim. I mean, what you are describing to me sounds just like hundreds of stories that you can read about in the JFO forum and it is not specific go genders either. The number of times that I've read a newly minted BW state something about how their WH was seduced by some Harlet seems just as common as the BH feeling that their WW was coerced by some Rico Suave type. Of course, those of us veterans are aware that affairs aren't always 50:50, but it is not as though both cheaters didn't make hundreds to thousands of choices to keep things going.

Not that there’s anything you can do about it now, but it was a really poor decision on your husband’s part to reach out to OBS. Although it’s good that your WH is holding himself accountable for his actions, to the OBS, the letter probably came off as your WH trying to relieve his own guilt at the expense of OBS’s pain. I’m going to guess that, despite his best efforts, your WH probably used a lot of self-serving language (similar to OW’s letter to you) in his letter, even though that wasn’t his intention.

OBS’s reaction is pretty much to be expected. In order to cope with their wives’ betrayal and even attempt to keep their families together, many BHs need to believe that their cheating wives were poor innocent lambs that were led astray by predatory Don Juans. They simply refuse to entertain the idea that their wives fell in love with other men and were active participants in and/or instigators of their affairs.

OBS has to come to terms with the reality of his marriage and accept his wife’s responsibility for her choices on his own; nothing that you or your WH can say or do will help him.

As for what your husband should do next, he needs to stop engaging with OBS. If OBS messages again, then apologize one last time and then say that he won’t be responding to any further messages and to please stop contacting him. Then block him on all avenues of communication. If OBS or OW continues to contact and harass you after that point, get a cease and desist letter from a lawyer, or a restraining order from the police, if needed.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:46 PM, Tuesday, June 6th]

I admire your WH for owning his stuff and apologizing to the OBS. I'd love to have had a sincere apology from the OW. It'll never happen because she's an absolute mess of a human, but hey.

I think you and your H should close the door to any more communication. Block their numbers and emails, and mark any letters they send as "return to sender." No need to perch on the knife edge and wait for their drama. Take control and block their access to you.

No contact does equal no new hurts. You are more realistic and further along than OBS - he’s still believing his WS’ bullsh*t. There is nothing you can do about that.

It’s time to cut off ALL contact with either OW or OBS. Your WS did indeed kick the hornet’s nest and that cannot be undone. But close that door and focus on you.

SacredSoulSister

I admire your WH for owning his stuff and apologizing to the OBS. I'd love to have had a sincere apology from the OW. It'll never happen because she's an absolute mess of a human, but hey.

I think you and your H should close the door to any more communication. Block their numbers and emails, and mark any letters they send as "return to sender." No need to perch on the knife edge and wait for their drama. Take control and block their access to you.

Lol amen ! Funny thing is, I would actually have appreciated the AP coming to me, owning what he did, and apologizing. That was the only thing I was ok to hear from him. This simple act would have prevented him from having his uninsured car defaced. Sadly for him, he never got the balls or the honesty to apologize. He told his friends I didn't deserve my wife, and she was staying with me because she didn't have the courage to leave me.

You are all completely right, of course.

I really wish I had asked WH not to send that letter, but it's done now. My husband has now blocked the OBS's number and hopefully we'll have no more letters through the door. They both work in the same field, and I think WH is worried that OBS might attempt to damage his professional reputation somehow, but then he probably deserves it at one level.

The sheer quantity of bullshit their affair has created for all of just astounds me. I really don't think my husband will ever be tempted again, not just because of the affect it had on me and our marriage, but because of all the wider ramifications that the selfish git just didn't think through at the time. But then he never thought he'd get caught!

I think WH is worried that OBS might attempt to damage his professional reputation

It's so odd how the cheating spouses don't worry about any of that during the affair,only after.

If your husband has his reputation damaged by this..it's simply the consequences of his actions.

You were right to tell the OBS.

The letter from her probably would have been better sent back,unopened.

Your wh never should have contacted the obs. If obs contacted him, then by all means, apologize. But to make the first contact was wrong,and selfish. He did it because he felt HE needed to. Not at all concerned about whether the BH would want to hear from him.

Many BH need to believe their WW was a victim of a predatory OM. We see it here all the time. Sometimes they come around,and realize their WW is entirely responsible for her actions. Sometimes they don't.

Your husband needs to apologize, one last time, IF the obs reaches out to him again. Then strict NC.

I don’t think it was necessarily bad for your husband to apologize, especially if it was unequivocal and not couched in excuses and explanations.

I also think it’s fine and good to block the OBS at this point. He’s going to process it the way he processes it, and there’s nothing at this point that your husband can do to help him in that.

Like you, I got, an "apology" from my husband’s affair partner. It showed some level of remorse, but was layered a mile deep in excuses and fantasyland horse shit, not to mention lies about how she wouldn’t contact him inappropriately again (three days later she was contacting him trying to get him to communicate with her secretly).

She also went to great lengths to cast herself as a victim, even though I know from the initial communications I found between them that she started the inappropriate relationship and pursued it more than my husband did at the outset (he threw himself in unreservedly once she started it, though). According to her, him drawing firm boundaries around workplace communication with her (they still work together) is super unfair to her.

APs turning themselves into victims is a sore point for me. My husband’s AP had and has so many reasons in her head why she’s the victim. She went on and on in her communication with me about how she was having a hard time in life, and how her own mortality was weighing on her, blah blah blah. It also seems somewhat common on this site for female APs to blame their choices on past sexual abuse, which really gets my go. The thing is, I was really badly sexually abused as a child for a long period of time. I have lots of sympathy for how deeply that impacts people and how much it can impact how you relate to people. I’ve had loads of other shit to deal with too—most people don’t get to midlife unscathed by hardship and trauma. And yet I’m not throwing myself at my coworkers; not have I ever had difficulty shutting down a man’s advances.

Sorry for the tangent.

Basically, I think you’ve handled the OW and the OBS phenomenally well. And I think you’re right that it’s time to block them completely and move on. They have their work to do, and you and your husband have yours. Yes, your husband may suffer some workplace or industry consequences now and down the road. It’s the way that it is; it’s a natural result of his choices.

[This message edited by Grieving at 5:16 PM, Tuesday, June 6th]

Without going into the vast details of my own story, I am seeing some immediate parallels.

A hit point from mine. Because my WH’s mCOW was APing several professional business men to replace her dying husband’s income AND because I help with his work and was a part of the HR review of all materials presented from her work phone and computer in helping the hired attorney timeline my obsevations with the multiple men dynamic, I had the pleasure of seeing the then post DDay xMCOW text a fellow OW that she had stuff saved to show me about my husband that she was sure would make me leave him. BUT that she needed me to come to her or go to her husband first.

She had been planning a take down and division and saved some very detailed and graphic stuff.

Because Mr Uxor had decided to work on our marriage after DDay, her plot was revenge.

And she had another plan to use it to get raises and money.

How ironic that the fact that he could not fire her as he ranked above her helped tie the extortion plan together.

She had also detailed that she was working on both he and another exec to leave their wives.

Her H at first blamed Mr Uxor. But as it became apparent that she was targetting men to leave him, he no longer had that as focus. He was dying. All of his energy had to be channeled to dealing with a woman who told other men they were just paychecks to their wives, while she was the true villian. Not her husband. Not the other men’s wives.

A clever trick to actually taint people to see their loved ones as the danger that is actually the one who is so enticing.

Takeaway for you:

1. Many betrayers plot and plan what to do in the "event" of. It is actually a part of their thrill of danger fantasies to turn into reality…just…like…the…afair.

2. You did the right thing for her BH. Now walk as far away as you can. Your spouse too. Do everything to cut the connection off as clean as possible. Doing the right thing can become feeding the addiction and become the wrong thing if it goes beyond the initial necessary exposure of the affair.

3. She clearly wants to hurt you. For the rest of your life you are to remind yourself
that NO behavior or quality of the betrayed EVER justified the betrayal. Every single human is flawed. But not every single human cheats. She HAS to punch holes in
who you are to feel better about your WH wanting to reconcile. Her self worth is based on his attention. MAKE SURE YOURS IS NOT!

4. Kindness? A valid reason? Lol. Everyone has an unkind moment. Even the most giving of people cannot give to everyone in need at the same time. Your WH used a bad coping skill to deal with what feels empty to him. He needs to work on that. What if your were unkind? Then his job is to tell you and set a healthy boundary. NOT go bang another broken person.

If anyone agrees with her, they enable both of them into not getting the help they need.

But your only responsibility is you.

5. There is also the dynamic that when a person is being lied to by their spouse, they may try to set good boundaries but fail - because you can’t respond healthily to what you don’t know. The ever shifting sands of how a wayward covers, withdraws, reconnects, disconnects, make
It impossible for the betrayed to navigate. You may have failed in kindness because you were not adequately able to care for yourself and life with such lack of information about things happening you could not control.

Also. You may have set healthy boundaries which people in the addiction of affairs perceive as being mean because then they feel bad about themselves.

I am not saying I know if you were kind or not. I am saying don’t believe false justifications just because you tried to do the right things and someone else either covertly set you up for failure or didn’t like you caring for yourself in the chaos of affair neglect.

6. On passing her in traffic, you are doing better than me. I used to get the shakes and want to throw up. Of course, I had caught the xm COW following me in traffic and learned she had friends and xAPs track my whereabouts both before snd after DDay. Yeah. Those stalker types don’t let life get boring.

7. Speaking of which. If you think your WHs xAP is becoming the stalker type, or is working at reconnecting with WH, you and your WH can and should hire a PI. We did. We should have right away. But we didn’t know how off the rails it would become.

I also kept an old phone charged and ready to film being followed so the other was free to call the police if needed.

Be unpredictable in your schedule. Block numbers, add home cameras. Get a big dog.

Do not ever feel bad tracking someone who worked hard to know so much about your marriage without you knowing, then labled you as the problem and expendable without any compassion.

Your safety is first. And you got in her way.

She peeled your life open. Do not be afraid to see her well enough to know her tactics.

Be smart. Be safe.

8. Last. Who was at fault? I am always big on both. If you want your WH to continue on his path to true reconciliation (his confessions and taking the blame to her BH is a BIG step), do not enable him by making it all about her. Affairs are a spiral
of mutual blackmail. Even if she is the grandest and best trained of seductresses, he still had to get his fix. She is the drug dealer…he still has to be accountable for his own recovery.

Blame both. But focus on behaviors of accountability - not quantity of blame.

Don’t feed the need for their fix of connection for either of them. Don’t enable. Keep your eyes wide open and stay safe yet disconnected from her.

And never be afraid to find people who have survived.

You did the right thing to notify OBS even comparing notes. Now it's time to block everyone and go NC, there is nothing else to be gained by either of them. After Dday the AP(a stranger) reached out to me, apologized and said he would never contact my W again. He actually kept his word while my WW was still lying and TT me.

I'm thankful he did that because I never had the red hot rage towards AP like I often see here. I put 100% of the betrayal on my WW. She is the gatekeeper of M and she let someone in. It sounds like your H is already accepting this.

Ignore these people and work on R with your H.