No, the marriage we had prior to the discovery of the infidelity (I found out about it years after the fact) most certainly is NOT better after the discovery of said infidelity.
It is not improved because it no longer exists.
My husband threw a grenade into that marriage years earlier.
Upon discovery, I poured gasoline all over the rubble and proceeded to burn it to the ground.
That marriage, and all of its dysfunctional infrastructure and baggage, is gone.
I've said it often on these SI boards: infidelity doesn't exist and it doesn't occur in a vacuum, as a stand alone aberration. It is the product of various pathologies and dysfuctional coping mechanisms that are influencing and playing out in other aspects of the marriage and in our lives as well.
I consider myself fortunate in that the actual infidelity itself was a one off and fairly minor in severity and almost inconsequential in fall out except that it was, well, sexual and physical cheating, which in itself is a pretty big deal.
I can actually get my head around the idea that 'It didn't mean anything!' with the rather huge caveat that it was a big damned deal, it meant quite a lot, it spoke volumes about my husband, his issues and the dynamics of our marriage that it even happened at all.
There were no further incidents of sexual/physical (or emotional/romantic) infidelity, but FOO issues that were baked into my husband's OS continued to dominate the dynamics within our marriage and in our relationships with the FOO, with our own children, with our relationships to our jobs/careers and with our interactions in the world at large.
While there was never again another sexual infidelity, Husband threw me under countless busses in the service of making his life easier with other people, people pleasing in general, conflict avoidance, and self-avoidance in that he didn't have to face or deal with his nearly non-existent boundaries.
Husband was raised by narcissists and personal boundaries were not tolerated, not allowed. Not modeled in a healthy manner. Agency was a one way street. Power and control uber alles.
Without understanding the true gravity or depth of what I was actually saying, I'd often quipped that I was the only person on earth to whom Husband felt safe saying 'No' so he said 'No' to me often, mostly just because he could.
That's truly an accurate description; most of the time Husband was so overwhelmed with making everyone else happy (or at least keeping them fairly pacified, several of those fuckers were difficult to the point of impossible, think high octane narcissists) that even the most pedestrian, minor bid from me was met with an immediate "NO!"
He got pretty control freaky too; he overcompensated for his absence of boundaries with everyone and everything else by micromanaging me and our household where ever he had contact with me/it. The only thing that made it bearable/manageable on my end was that Husband's people pleasing and absence of boundaries dovetailed perfectly with his workaholism. He was physically absent most of the time and that gave me some relief.
In one notable example from many years ago that remains with me to this day, Husband adamantly refused to allow me to hang one set of wind chimes *outside, in the garden, at a distance away from the house,* because he *might* hear them at night, and if he heard them even once at night, they'd keep him awake at night from that moment on.
Ergo wind chimes were forbidden in our yard *for years.*
The people pleasing, absence of boundaries and chronic workaholism coalesced into a clinical picture that presented as classic anxiety and depression, causing Husband's physician to prescribe antidepressants, which seemed to provide a modicum of relief, initially. It became a feed back loop: Husband got enough superficial symptom relief to take on even more work/responsibility, which in turn led to more anxiety and exhaustion and depression, which led to higher doses of antidepressants.
This of course was the death knell for what scant little remained of our intimate life, which was starved and on failing life support anyway. And it caused Husband to gain weight, which messed with his sense of well-being and self-esteem and basic wellness, and that didn't help his anxiety/depression, nor our sex life nor our general sense of well being in the marriage, not one little bit.
Finding out about a years ago sexual infidelity that happened in the early, vibrant years of our marriage on the backside of this shit avalanche was The Mother of All Mind Fucks. Never mind whether or not it destroyed what precious little remained of our marriage; it damned near destroyed me. And by that point I was exhausted: I'd already spent years trying to make life *perfect* and *beyond reproach* in a hopeless attempt to mitigate Husband's anxiety, which plagued and tortured both of us.
Perhaps the discovery of Husband's long ago infidelity was the kick in the head that *I* needed to take account and control of my own life and my own boundaries.
Boundaries are tricky in marriage.
It's often said on SI that in order for reconciliation to succeed, Waywards are instructed to embrace remorse and abandon all hope of controlling the outcome.
Interesting, I found the same to be true for me as a BS.
My own absence of boundaries and people pleasing tendencies and conviction that Only I Could Prevent Marriage Fires allowed Husband's poor coping mechanisms and lack of boundaries and anxieties and people pleasing tendencies and workaholism to run our show. Narcissistic, entitled and self-absorbed FOO members were more than happy to help themselves to their pound of flesh at our expense as well.
My own absence of boundaries didn't make, or cause, my husband to cheat.
My flaws and lack of boundaries did not make, or cause, the FOO's narcissism and dysfunction, nor did they create the pathologies present in others who took advantage of us and our foibles.
My absence of boundaries and co-dependence caused me to betray myself.
Repeatedly.
And once I saw that, Katie bar the door.
And that's when I had to let go of controlling the outcome of the marriage.
I was becoming a different person, a person who was not going to tolerate *any* of this bullshit anymore, and yeah, this marriage might not survive it.
And yeah, that's just fine.
I started kicking crap and people out of my life like that was my job.
And it *was* my job.
IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY FUCKING JOB ALL ALONG.
Hubs was, at first, horrified.
No, perhaps the better word is terrified.
Given who was given the abrupt and unceremonious boot, from his perspective, he was going to be next.
From his perspective, he should have been first.
I didn't care who the fuck you were, who the fuck you thought you were, if I had ever been or was currently being thrown under any damned bus because you exploited (taught, ingrained, enforced, depended upon, manipulated) my husband's and/or my absence of boundaries, YOU WERE GONE. *POOF!*
Not surprisingly, this *POOF!* banished several people who were 'closest' (ha! the irony!) to us.
By societal and traditional conventions, this was horrifying/terrifying.
By the most basic standards of decency, this was long overdue.
But yeah, it was pretty hardcore, and not one damned thing less would have been sufficient.
Four things happened pretty much immediately, as in, immediately:
1. FUCKERS ACTED OUT. LOL. "WHAT??? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??? YOU DO NOT SAY NO TO US!!!" It was Super Special lol and informative. In addition to illustrating and reinforcing *exactly who they are and what they do,* it brought what they'd already done into sharp focus. WHOOP THERE IT IS.
2. Kicking the shit starters out of *my* life at least, ultimately Husband is his own person and for better or for worse, he gets to choose who is in his life, but putting up at least a perimeter fence for a boundary significantly reduced the amount of bullshit/drama/toxicity in our lives. It was notable, immediately, for both of us. Hubs noticed it as well, on his own. Reduced the temperature and toxicity in our lives *immediately.*
3. Per above, Hubs is his own person. He gets to choose who he wants/needs/values in his life. That may or may not include people that I cannot tolerate. And that may or may not include eliminating me as a life partner, as a consequence. And in and of itself, as a fundamental, stand alone choice, that is a valid choice. I accept that. In fact, I welcome it. I do not control this outcome. I do not control his outcome. I *do,* however, have a MUCH firmer definition of whom and what is allowed in my life, and that includes and may also encompass Hubs, his dysfunctions, his baggage, and the hanger on fuckers who wandered or barged through our threshhold on the coattails of his dysfunctions.
Furthermore, if Hubs, of his own accord, discerns that I do not belong in his life, by all fucking means, PLEASE SHOW ME TO THE NEAREST EXIT. I ALSO DO NOT NEED THIS STRESS IN MY LIFE.
I TOO WOULD LIKE TO ENJOY MY BASIC STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY.
I'm not fucking modeling clay to get shoved through his or other people's molds.
Long story short, Hubs gets his own choices. He is free to be true to himself, and I encourage that.
Marriage to me is not a guaranteed outcome.
And that's OK too.
4. I modeled boundaries to my husband.
That was beyond overdue.
I modeled radical boundaries to my husband.
That was beyond overdue.
It is beyond convention or societal expectations or societal norms. Yeah, FUCK all of that. Worse than useless, in our case, absolutely exploitative and harmful.
Mutual respect, mutual courtesy, mutual civility, mutual dignity, mutual accommodation, mutual honesty/transparency while respecting mutual, basic decency and privacy, stay in your own damned lane, OR BE GONE WITH YOU.
REGARDLESS OF YOUR FAMILIAL, SOCIETAL 'TITLE.'
Rather than The End of The World as You Know It, the long promised apocalyptic outcome for breaking any of these stereotypical constructs, we received in return, wait for it-
A true sense of ourselves and our marriage.
Peace.
Absence of bullshit and the cease and desist of transference of other people's problems into our lives and into our marriage.
Finally, an accurate picture of ourselves, our lives, our marriage, our priorities, both together and individually.
Freedom.
Predictably, some of our toxic people scattered like roaches when the bright overhead light was turned on.
Some circled back for one more round, one more attempt at 'getting us back in line, back with the program.'
One or two still occasionally make lame, I mean *really sadly lame,* attempts to hoover us back into the toxicity.
Each of these responses further illustrate who these people have been all along, and what the dynamics have been all along.
Husband sees it for himself.
He is making decisions for himself, as am I.
Of each our own accord and volition, we are leaning into each other and into our marriage.
It took a full five years.
We are two weeks to the day from DDay2, the 'real' DDay.
It has taken five years to wade through all of this bullshit, sort it out, and flush what needed to be flushed.
Current Status Report:
I am no longer angry, frustrated, feeling chronically ignored and violated.
Hubs is no longer anxious and/or depressed.
Hubs and I are both in good physical shape.
Hubs is free of all anxiety/depression meds and has been for a good chunk of, actually the majority of these past five years.
He lost all gained weight with a lifestyle and diet that are comfortable for us both. He's in the best physical shape of his adult life.
Our sex/intimate life is as solid and as consistent as it has ever been, including those early years in our late teens/early twenties.
We've made long needed, essential, fundamental infrastructure changes to our life together and our marriage, that keep needy, narsissistic persons from using us, from using our marriage and our infrastructure, as some sort of vulgar, obscene, unholy 'kibble drive through fast food restaurant.'
We are no longer chronically sleep deprived.
We get plenty of sunshine and fresh air.
We process, cook, preserve and even grow a sizeable portion of our own food.
True friends who love us have filled in the voids left by flushing the turds who were abusing us.
We are no longer beset and burdened with problems that are not and were never our own, as a couple.
In the end, as I've said for years on SI:
The infidelity *is* a symptom.
It is NOT a symptom of the BS's inadequacies.
It *is* a symptom of fundamental dysfunctions and poor coping mechanisms in each person entering into the marriage, and into that basic marriage contract.
Obvs, long term affairs with emotional components and palpable consequences are more impactful, more complicated to resolve, and obvs may be intractible.
Also obvs, there are deal breakers, and deal breakers are legit and real.
My simplistic model does not apply to every situation.
We're in a much better place now.
Our basic dysfunction was our problem.
The infidelity was a symptom of our flawed 'first marriage.'
That bitch is ashes now.
There are several wind chimes in the garden.
Both of us sleep peacefully through the night.
