SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey All,

Just wanted to post my story to see if I have the right mentality on this, or if there are any red flags with the situation/how I am handling it.

As a background my wife and I have never had great communication. I had to rely a lot on internalizing my emotions growing up and she was suppressed on speaking her thoughts by family/past boyfriends. And things got really bad right before the pandemic when I was going through bad work stress, we got a new dog that was a handful and then the pandemic hit.

Because of our poor communication, I didn't feel like I had the support I needed to make it past these life obstacles in a healthy way. So I turned to video games and heavy drinking (blacking out/browning out) 4-5 times a week, and eventually narrowing it down to 3 times a week over the last year and a half.

The drinking, and lack of support, also made me more angry and I was yelling at her a couple times a month along with checking out on household chores/spending time with her.

Over the last 11 months Ive realzied the rift we have had and tried to express I want to be more intimiate with her. We had a blow up about it in September. We talked about what I could do to help her feel more connected to me through a MC session and several one-on-one talks between September-December. Since then I've tried helping out more around the house, took her on dates once a week, and dedicated the majority of my weekly evenings (4ish nights) to hanging out with her. However I was still getting drunk and playing video games multiple nights a week, and we weren't getting any closer together.

A little over 2 weeks ago, I discovered sexts/a nude on instagram that my wife had been recieving from an ex. Could see any more than a few posts because she had vanish mode on with him. After taking a day away from her and staying with my friend (she tried to go over to his place to talk to me, but I was too emotional to talk) I went back to confront her the next morning.

After calling her out on some things I knew weren't true about her story of the situation, she revealed she began talking to him around the same time we had the blowup in September. It progressed to heavy flirting in December. And she began sexting him about 4.5 weeks prior to me discovering the sexts. At first she denied sending him nudes as well, but I eventually got her to admit that she did a few days later.

That same day I also dumped all the alcohol out of the house that day and haven't drank or played video games since.

I was strongly considering a permanent separation, but 5 minutes after she did the initial confession about the online affair, she told me she was pregnant with my child. Which makes me mad in 2 ways. The first being she took away what should have been a top happy moment in my life. The second way is she wasn't able to stop the affair for the sake of our future child's family dynamic (which she didn't deny when I brought it up to her).

Definitely haven't been the husband I always told myself I would be, and I've been trying to live that out every day since. In fact recently she told me she feels like she has the husband she's always wanted. But it's definitely not easy being this way. I want to believe this is over and she is really over cheating on me. And there is good evidence she is like;

1) Actively working on communicating me and showing me affection the way I've expressed I need
2) I don't see any weird names popping up when she gets alerts on her phone. Ive also looked at her texts and social messaging (facebook/instagram) and I am not seeing anything weird like I did before
3) She showed me she blocked her ex on instagram, facebook and his phone number
4) She is paying for our new MC (which is hundreds of dollars per session, not cheap)
5) She is seeing an individual therapist (so am I) to resolve her issues on loving herself and why she cheating on me (still don't have a great why explaination)
6) She has said sorry several times (while breaking down crying) and said she is glad she got caught
7) She's opening up to me a lot more about her past struggles with me and her childhood, which helps for our rebuilding
8) She is checking in on me a lot more when we aren't in the house together

However, its still very fresh. And I still get hurt and parinoid a lot. So anyone who has tips or advice on how to navigate please let me know. I do truely love her still and want a good family dynamic, but I also won't raise a child in a toxic parent situation.

You do not need marriage counseling right now. Both of you brought a lot of baggage to this marriage and you have to unload those separately. She needs her own therapist and so do you. Until you get a handle on how you deal with stress, it’s just gonna come right back around and deal you the same hand. The same with her.

Appreciate the advice, definitely a good way to approach this with different circumstances.

Right now, we are doing both individual and MC at the same time.

The main reason is because I need to decide whether I am going to commit to this relationship or not before the baby comes along. And if we aren't in a good place where I feel she is genuinely committed to me, supporting me, we are communicating well and we can tackle life issues together, then I need to walk. And obviously I need to do the same for her.

And we need a MC to help us out just because neither of us have a good frame work on how to have a healthy relationshp.

When a wife gets pregnant, during an affair,it's advised that you do a paternity test immediately.

It sounds like you believe this was online. But, if he lives nearby,the chances they didn't meet are slim. Also,even if he didn't live nearby,who is to say he didn't travel to see her? There also may be more than one OM.

You may have contributed to a bad environment, but her choice to cheat is completely on her.

Who is this OM? Is he married? Have you told his wife?

Do not share this site with her.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:40 PM, Thursday, June 1st]

Yeah I would be surprised if it was physical in any way. Not saying its impossible but definitely unlikely

The guy lives over 1200 miles away, just had a new baby when they started to talk and I've been with her when she's traveled out of state pretty much every time but once, and she was with her parents the whole time without a car. I can't think of any moment when shes came home late enough in the last 10 months to make me suspicious. The few nights she was out late I would see pictures of her on her friends insta stories.

Plus I think her goal was to feel special/emotionally supported from someone, since we never really communicated well and I was drinking/playing video games 3 nights a week. Again I am definitely of the mindset that I am the victim here and not taking any blame for the infidelity. But I do feel bad I wasn't a great husband, especially to someone I love more than anyone. If I was the type of husband that I can look back on and respect, and she still cheated on me, then it would be divorce for sure.

Also we were actively trying for a baby the week after her last period, and she didn't travel anywhere between her last period and when she found out she was pregnant.

That being said, if in a few weeks when we see the doctor and she tells us how far along the baby is, and the timeline doesn't really add up to when we were trying for a baby then I will rethink things.

And yes, her ex is married with 2 kids and just had another baby last summer, so I think it would be hard for him to get away as well.

His wife has a public profile on instagram. It would be very easy for me to message her and let her know what is up. But its not in my moral code to destroy a family like that.

My wife will never know about this website, no worries. I just need some advice from others who have gone through this.

Others will be along with some great advice.

At this time I will say that others on this site almost unanimously advice to tell the Other Betrayed Spouse (OBS). She really needs to regain her own agency and act in her own behalf. By not telling her, her agency is being taken away and withheld from her and she does not know it.

I am sure that if someone knew your wife was cheating on you that you would surely want them to tell you and not leave you in the dark.

However, the timing of when to inform the OBS will depend on external circumstances for a number of individual reasons.

You say it is not in your moral code to break up a family by telling the OBS. I would suggest the opposite. You are not breaking up her family... her cheating husband is destroying her family.

Take care and good luck.

The family is already destroyed,thanks to her husband.

You would be giving her the gift of the truth. You would be giving her her agency back. Right now, she is making important life decisions, not knowing her husband can't be trusted.

Telling the OBS is always the right thing to do. Keeping it a secret is incredibly unfair to her.

You feel you deserve the truth about what happens. Why doesn't she?

You aren't going to find many people here who will tell you that it's ok not to tell his wife.

Also, telling the OBS is the single best thing a new BS can do. It means the chances of breaking NC is slim. But, very importantly, if you keep his secret for him, you are teaching your wife that,in some circumstances, it's ok to keep an affair hidden from the BS.

I hear you all, and definitely I would feel differently if he didn't have children.

But I grew up in such a toxic parent household, and I know that if those kids experience the same thing from me telling them about the situation then it will really mess them up. I would look back and regret being the bearer of bad news which lead to that.

We have a MC session Monday, I think I should bring that up then.

To be honest she may already know. I noticed she hasn't posted any pictures of her husband since I found out about the affair (and she posted a lot of pictures of her family this year before then) and he deleted his instagram profile all together, which I am sure he had to justify somehow.

Welcome to SI and sorry you find yourself here. This is not your fault, don’t blame yourself.

It would be very easy for me to message her and let her know what is up. But its not in my moral code to destroy a family like that.

Again don’t blame yourself, he and your W are destroying families, and his W has a right to know.

You still need to do a paternity test, the ex might not have had an opportunity to meet up, but your WW has decided to become a cheater. You have to be suspicious of everyone she comes in contact with. She has given herself permission to betray you please check for yourself unapologetically, this is part of the consequences she created.

Please stick around you are safe here, there is a lot experienced people to help you.

Cheaters who aren't caught,typically cheat again until they are.

We've had women here who have had HIV. A wife who died of AIDS. Women who have lost their unborn children,because they unknowingly had an STD. Women who had stds that they didn't know about until it was too late,and they're found to be unable to carry a child.

Stds are a very real thing. Her life is at risk. You care about the kids? Tell her the truth so she can be there to raise those kids.

You should definitely have a paternity test. I can't imagine not. Not shutting that door now and permanently will leave you always wondering. Besides, it helps hammer in the reality to your wife that she is an untrusted cheater.

Obviously you weren't a great husband in this M. No one is perfect. You turned to addiction, she turned to an affair. These are major difficult strains in the marriage.

My biggest concern for you is that you might think that somehow *your addiction* was the reason for *your wife's affair*. They are two totally separable dysfunctional coping stratgies. She could have cheated on you whether or not you turned to addiction. Her "why" needs to explain how she gave herself internal permission to cheat, and how she will make a different decision next time she is faced with something difficult. The fact is, addiction relapse is very common. I can't say with confidence you have a marriage worth saving even without the A, I think that's the best reason to look at everything at once at the beginning.

I agree you both need to manage your major issues individually before MC. You need to be a safe partner from addiction. She needs to be a safe partner from infidelity.

Now the boilerplate:

Books:
"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your affair" by Linda MacDonald.

Needs:
1) Complete written timeline of the affair, optional polygraph to confirm completeness and accuracy. This is to help avoid trickle truth.
2) Complete electronic transparency. Location, all devices, all accounts, all passwords.

You wife is doing a lot of things right so I'll leave off the counseling and no contact needs.

Yeah I hear you all. After some debate I am going to tell the OMs wife tonight. But I want to give my wife a heads up (like 2 minutes on our zoom call tonight first).

Shes out of town right now and I am worried she might unblock the guy and message him if I tell his wife. But I am willing to take that risk.

Again I really wish I had the luxury to do them separately, but our MC says it usually takes a year to put couples into a good place. And I need to make a decision before that if I am going to stay or not based on our progress as a couple.

As for my addiction issues, I really haven't felt a strong need to drink since I gave it up. There are times I thought it would be nice to have while like BBQing or watching a movie alone, but never really tempted to an extreme point.

Oh and also there are things I demanded from her at the very beginning

1) Need to understand her why for cheating
2) For her to get individual therapy
3) For her to change her last name to my last name (initially she said she would, but then has been hesitant to do so because she doesn't like the gender norms of it)
4) Prove that she geniuenly loves me, finds me sexually desirable, wants to know me, can give open communication and is there for me when things are bad

She did something very nice today, she left sticky notes all over the house filled with complements and saying she is going to miss things we do together. Very touching.

And obviously I need to prove to her I am over my avoidance coping mechanisms for anxiety (which drove the drinking/gaming so much). So I am doing things like

1) Going above and beyond to help around the house
2) Spending most of my free time with her (still working out, seeing friends, and picking up hobbies but otherwise Im with her)
3) Not drinking while playing video games
4) Not playing video games unless she is around to monitor me
5) Not yelling at her when there is an issue and instead approaching her to find solutions to tackle the problem in a productive way

I am beyond 2 weeks of keeping my end, shes making progress as well. Again on paper things are looking very good. But I will keep what you all are saying about the process in mind. If we hit a big road bump I can rethink the whole MC situation.

Don't give heads up to your wife. She will definitely unblock her AP and inform him of this. First, make sure your message has been delivered to his wife. He will be expecting this and monitoring his wife's insta. So, if your wife gives him heads up then he will be waiting for your reach out tonight and will make sure the message is not delivered to her. So, don't tell your wife until you made sure the OBS has been informed.

Again I really wish I had the luxury to do them separately, but our MC says it usually takes a year to put couples into a good place. And I need to make a decision before that if I am going to stay or not based on our progress as a couple.

I don't feel this is a good idea. First, you need to make sure your wife is safe and you and her are both out of infidelity. For this, IC is very crucial. Only after this, reconciliation process starts. During this time you need MC. Right now, you are not sure your wife is safer for you. What MC will do to you now is coerce you to rugsweep this affair and get over it. Otherwise, you will be made villain.

And I need to make a decision before that if I am going to stay or not based on our progress as a couple.

What decision is your MC talking about? Why is your MC setting timeline for when you SHOULD make decision? It doesn't feel right to me. You should put a hold on MC until you are sure your wife is safer and her affair has definitely ended.

Please, avoid PICK ME DANCE. You are playing that now. Working on yourself is good but don't do it to win her back. That is wrong motivation that will backfire disastrously. You need to deaddict for yourself. Also, beware of LOVE BOMBING and HYSTERICAL BONDING. She is definitely doing that.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 8:28 PM, Thursday, June 1st]

Don't tell your wife that you are telling his. At all. They're supposed to be NC. So,if she does say something, you know they're not.

If the APs wife knew about the affair and didn't tell you, would you be fine with that? I'm guessing no.

So do the right thing and tell her.

Also, you should not be giving your wife the heads up. She could warn the loser and he could intercept your message or sell his wife on some BS.

Do not tell your WW you are contacting his W. He will intercept the messages, he will tell her you are a dangerous stalker, this is a bad idea. She will find out when AP breaks NC and tells your her.

Just told the AP's wife on instagram (only way to contact her). I let the AP know as well I told his wife.

I did it in front of my wife, who was on zoom, so she knows but didn't have time to give a heads up. She agreed that it was the right thing to do, but still begged me not too message her. Did I make a mistake doing that? Who knows. But I told myself when I made the decision to work on our marriage that I was going to be 100% honest with my wife moving forward. I don't think we can build mutual trust unless I am.

But she told me she isn't going to reach back out to him. I am not 100% sure if she will, but I can't stop or monitor it either way since I am not around her until Sunday. So I just can't let it bother me.

It may not be the best steps but I did what was right according to my virtue and can live with my conscious moving forward.

To be honest I could give 2 craps who believes me. My wife sent me a message today that helped confirm the affair, so I screenshotted that message and sent it to his wife. Its the only proof I physically have. He can paint me any way he wants, I literally am planning to block both of them after today on all social accounts. I can't be involved in their marriage and fix mine at the same time.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 9:32 PM, Thursday, June 1st]

Your mistake was informing your wife and her AP. Now, they will talk to each other and come up with fake version of their affair to tell his wife. This will also prevent you from getting new details of their affair through OBS.

If you are trying to do the right thing then you should do it in a smart way. You should have made sure OBS has read your message before informing your wife and her AP.

You should go for poly after your wife comes back on Sunday. Through that you can verify two things:

1. They had sex or not.

2. Has she broken NC after today.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 10:30 PM, Thursday, June 1st]

It's extremely unfortunate that you told him. You've handed him the opportunity to either delete your message to her. And, he will probably do what many cheating husbands do. He will tell her you are abusive,amd accusing all of your wife's online friends of having an affair with her. So not only won't she believe you,if she even sees the message,but she will be leary of you,because you are abusive.

Don't block his wife. She is an ally. You may need her. And she may want to message you to ask a few things. She is not your enemy.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:25 PM, Thursday, June 1st]